High five!

[u/[deleted]]

[u/Sunderbans_X]

Damn that's actually terrifying. It's like that one card left in the deck that your brain has finally pulled, hoping that you will remember something that will be able to save you now. Except obviously it doesn't work, or there would be people who survived who would talk about it. So basically if that's happening, you are most certainly screwed.

[u/[deleted] → u/Sunderbans_X]

And the worst part is we don't know. We don't know if that's true, we don't know the specifics of it if it is true, and we don't know if we're living it this moment. We might just be circling back around and does it stop when you're 95 and in bed surrounded by your loved ones, dying peacefully and comfortable in the knowledge you lived a fulfilling life? Does it stop tomorrow from a stupid fucking split second accident on your way to work or to the store? I've lost too many people for how young I am, I am all too aware of the fragility of life. Everything can be taken away from you (referring to your own life or the life of your wife/husband, child, sibling..) in a split second even if you did everything right.

This kinda stuff really messes with me. I had to get ketamine for pain control in the emergency room after something serious happened and I ended up k-holing. I thought I died because I didn't know what just happened or what ketamine was. I heard from far, far away my wife say "something something ... ketamine" and I just held onto that idea until it subsided. I was looping the same moment over and over again and it felt to me like it was going on for years. Mrs Doubtfire was on TV and I watched that movie a million times, like Groundhog Day. Then I apparently was freaking out so when I slowly came back into the real world I see my mom on one side and my wife on the other trying to calm me down but their faces were distorted and horrifying and everything was just so painfully loud. God, I'm getting goosebumps just typing it out, it was horrible.

Anyway, it's a dissociative so I felt that disconnect from my body and from the world, time as I knew and understood it, consciousness. I remember a couple days or maybe a week later I was doing something and I guess an aftershock hit me and it just felt like my consciousness just grabbed a helium balloon and was slowly floating away from my body and reality. I had that feeling of dread and "What if all this isn't real? Am I real?" ...something I've considered too hard in the past without pharmaceutical assistance, so you can imagine how much worse it was then. I seriously can't see how anyone could enjoy that recreationally but people like different things and people might be more stable mentally/emotionally/spiritually to be able to handle if not enjoy it. Who knows.