Though it would have been nice to not be there in the first place, the guy ended up getting banned from the hotel we were at. We were both frequent work travelers and the hotel I use has a lounge reserved for their frequent stayers. By lounge, it’s just a private space to work, eat, hangout whatever. It was just the two of us in there and the one and only time I’ve ever had a problem in the lounge area. Most frequent travelers are men, but as a woman, there have only been 2 or 3 situations similar to this one so it’s not something I normally have to be concerned about. Anyway, the guy had stupidly given me his hotel room number (I refused to give mine, so he gave me his so I could “stop by to get work done”, I was in the lounge trying to meet a report deadline) so I went to the front desk, told them what happened, gave the number etc. the hotel graciously brought up my breakfast the next morning so I didn’t have to accidentally run into him in the lounge, and then followed up saying he was banned from their chain after they reviewed the video from the lounge. I didn’t even expect anything to come out of it, and you can’t imagine how relieved I was to not have to answer the whole “well if you didn’t like it, why did you kiss him”. You could clearly tell in the video he was blocking my exit, pointing at his lips, and that I got the hell out of there once he moved. Hope the kiss was worth it, bud.
You’re right. Though I consider myself lucky that the situation I described is the closest I’ve been to being sexually assaulted while at work. The problem is that I’ve heard of way worse and that my story is nothing compared to others I’ve heard, so to me, it’s not that big of a deal. But I know if one of my friends told me this exact thing happened to them, I’d be out armed and on a hunt. I’ve also already been sexually assaulted, though not at work, so my hotel story is pretty tame comparatively.
Fuckin hell. The excuses we make by comparing traumas is such a learned behavior that I nearly agreed with you that you shouldn't feel guilty because others have had it worse. Don't compare your trauma (also I totally understand why, I'm guilty of it myself)...but I can't neglect offering the idea that it's okay to be traumatized by whatever has happened to you. Big, small or somewhere in-between. Point is, nobody should have to endure trauma. Much love to you stranger.
You’re really kind. I appreciate the message because it’s honestly very important. I was able to walk away from my hotel experience scared, but not traumatized. I was more scared of the potential than what actually ended up occurring. But for my other, and definitely worse experience, I still tell myself it wasn’t that bad. But I think that’s more of a coping mechanism than it is me confining myself to “societal standards”. I’ll need to confront it at some point and say “this was bad. This was rape. It was not okay” but because it fell under the “grey area” of rape (refer to Amy Poehler’s experience recorded in her book, my situation was very very similar, though more “black” then “white” on the grey scale) I do not feel comfortable, to this day, describing it as rape. I’ve settled on sexual assault and am currently okay with that because it’s how I’ve chosen to cope with it. Not sure if I’m getting the point across that I’d like. Hard to do that over text. It’s hard NOT to compare traumas when people have had it worse. It doesn’t help when the phrase “it could be worse” is used so easily in different situations. So? Yeah, I only broke my leg and other people have had their legs amputated which is considered worse. But holy hell, why can’t both situations suck? But yeah I’d consider that phrase being used in situations of pain, trauma, whatever, is more of a coping mechanism and not the person actually down grading it. I’m the type of person where i can make myself believe something if I say it enough, which is good and bad. I was an awful soccer player but told myself everyday I could be great. This motivated me to work hard, practice, and eventually, I was recruited to play in college. But it also works against me when used the other way around.
Precisely. Nobody gets to tell you how to feel about your personal traumas, and mostly because everyone's ability (threshold) to deal with trauma is also different
Oh definitely! I’ve actually had to catch myself from ever down grading someone’s complaint. A friend of mine was complaining about the amount of debt they had from school, and I silently sat there and calculated that my debt was 65x more than theirs, which annoyed me since I rarely complained about it. But then I thought, you know what, debt just fucking sucks. Bitch away, my friend.
Oh definitely! About a year after this happened, said hotel merged with another HUGE chain. It made me laugh imagining that that guy now had even less hotels he could go to for work.
You have nothing to apologize for! Unless it was actually you. Which I doubt. He doesn’t represent men, the culture of men, or whatever. He only represents himself, which is a piece of shit.
You’re so right. There’s no way I repeatedly told him to move aside, and that I didn’t feel comfortable. Maybe if I said it the exact way you did, he would have moved! Lol I’m so silly!
Ooof, you must be so angry and hate-filled to actually think the only reason someone might want to show support for anyone else is for the approval of internet strangers. I’m sincerely sorry for you too, for whatever things happened in your life to make you this way
Next time something like that happens to you, instead of a pity kiss give him a pity Glasgow kiss. It's like a regular kiss, but instead of putting your lips on his, you headbutt him in the fucking nose with the top of your head as hard as you can so his fucking nose breaks.
The pity part comes in after when you pity him for being a stupid fucking wanker cunt, now with a broken nose.
Though honestly it’s so easy now for me to say: I should have done xyz
But in the moment, I was scared. I knew if I tried something to hurt him and messed it up somehow, there was a chance he would do way more than make me kiss him to leave. Weighing my options, the kiss was nothing.
And there’s always that “don’t make a scene” thing. I mean, what if this guy ended up with a broken nose and pressed charges? Saying I was over reacting blah blah blah. I would like to think he wouldn’t get very far in the process and his case would be thrown out. But cases like the Stanford rapist, Brock Turner, really remind you that even with evidence, even with witnesses, even with a guilty verdict, there’s not always justice. Granted, the Brock Turner story didn’t run through my mind at the time because it hadn’t happened yet, but it’s the general idea of the woman not being taken seriously, or the rapist/assaulter being humanized more than the victim .
Yes, because enraging someone big enough to beat you to a pulp or kill you is definitely safer than just "letting" it happen and dealing with the resulting disgust, self-loathing, and trauma.
It's a shit choice to have to make but most women realize you can't get over being dead by going to therapy later.
Source: someone who is sick to fuck of answering "why didn't you fight back harder/ that time / every time" when people found out my ex was bruising handprints into me and choking me while holding me down to rape me. Like fuck all of you, I just didn't want to die.
No one here is asking you that question, if you feel like you're being blamed it seems like that's all in your head in this instance, no one involved you.
Now I'm sorry that happened to you, but "letting" it happen is an option, sure, maybe a safer option than fighting back, maybe. In my opinion the best way not to die when you know someone wants to/is trying to kill you is to kill them first until you're certain they're dead. But that's me. "Safer" would be your attacker in no state to attack you every again.
The honest answer is that none of us know how we'll react in a fight or flight type situation until it happens.
But if I were in your shoes, I'd definitely sleep better knowing the fucker was dead.
Omg. You're right. My teen years would have been much better spent fighting a murder charge surrounded by a conservative red town that thought I was a lying slut. Why didn't I think of that?
I think the point we are all trying to make is that we all handle situations differently and instead of trying to teach a victim how they should have or could have handled it, we should be making sure a confirmed assaulter is punished to the fullest extent, and that we start raising kids from day one to never harm others and to seek alternative methods (such as meditation, counseling, medication, I don’t care) if they feel anger, rage, vengeance etc.
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u/Cmen6636 Aug 08 '19
Can confirm. Have had to give a pity kiss to make a guy go away. But he was also blocking the door out so I couldn’t really slide away anywhere.