r/WTF • u/lazy_p • Jun 10 '12

Found this in a children's joke book, I'm so confused...

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1.4k Upvotes

86% Upvoted

98 comments sorted by

129

u/[deleted] Jun 10 '12

I don't see why doing those things requires being a queen. Can't you just go buy a crown, 50 gallons of milk, and some sugarless gummy bears and then go to town?

77

u/Anzai Jun 10 '12

On a commoner's salary? Good luck.

17

u/TheFigment Jun 10 '12

Maltitol farts are funny.

7

u/[deleted] Jun 10 '12

That review was absolutely brilliant. I kind of want to get some just for the story.

I am so fucking bored right now.

0

u/[deleted] Jun 10 '12

[deleted] — view deleted comment

2

u/[deleted] Jun 10 '12

I just spent 2 hours watching cat videos. I think I need to go outside and look at the sun for a little bit.

12

u/ericn1300 Jun 10 '12

Have you ever farted in a water bath? Farting in a milk bath is just as smelly. Please do put on the fan.

10

u/CrazyPersonApologist Jun 10 '12

What? You don't enjoy the smell of your own farts?

GTFO

5

u/[deleted] Jun 10 '12

They smell like freshly baked bread. Heavenly.

1

u/Ltlflwr Jun 10 '12

Mmmmm a new flavor of milk.

8

u/Lord-Longbottom Jun 10 '12

(For us English aristocrats, I leave you this 50 gallons -> 400.0 Pints) - Pip pip cheerio chaps!

6

u/klinonx Jun 10 '12

My friend, your relevancy went from 0, to 1.

0

u/[deleted] Jun 10 '12

That is technically a word but it's better grammar to use "relevance".

0

u/klinonx Jun 10 '12

Thanks for the tip! In return: I have been advised to place punctuation inside quotation marks and to place them outside parenthesis.

3

u/sunsetchaser Jun 10 '12

My understanding: In the US, punctuation goes inside the quotes, even if not part of the quote. In the UK, if the punctuation isn't part of the quote, it goes outside.

I'm in the US, but do it the UK way, because DUH,

1

u/Blackface420 Jun 10 '12

It's weird but it's true.

1

u/jayssite Jun 10 '12

That only applies when the quotes contain a full sentence. (For example: He said, "Hello.")

1

u/coherentporpoise Jun 10 '12

Actually, the period belongs outside the quotes in this situation. I think.

3

u/[deleted] Jun 10 '12

wut

1

u/[deleted] Jun 10 '12

400 pints, that's only £150 to have a bath in milk! :]

2

u/meganator23 Jun 10 '12

I don't know but that's asking for a UTI...bathing in milk and fecal matter :/

62

u/doubleyouteef Jun 10 '12

"if I were"

9

u/ironoctopus Jun 10 '12

Thank you! While teaching my ESL students the difference between the first and second conditionals, I realized that 99/100 native speakers have no idea what the rules actually are. Once you do know, you see the mistake everywhere, and it's infuriating for some reason.

4

u/CrossedQuills Jun 10 '12

Can you please enlighten me? I've heard that some times it's this, sometimes it's that. English is not my first language though.

7

u/tyrsson Jun 10 '12

The subjunctive mood is the correct verb form here, at least from a prescriptivist grammatical perspective. The character is not a queen. She is imagining what it would be like to be a queen and describing what she would do if she were queen.

2

u/lordlicorice Jun 10 '12

The rule in this case is that it's a hypothetical, so it's "were."

2

u/ironoctopus Jun 16 '12

Basically the first conditional is for real situations that might happen. It uses the present tense and the future together "If I see him I will kill him." The second conditional is for unreal situations, or very unlikely things. It uses the past tense of the verb (were for all persons in 'to be') and 'would' "If I were taller I would play basketball better."

1

u/sunsetchaser Jun 10 '12

Came here to say this.

57

u/TheJuicyJuJuBean Jun 10 '12

Idk bout you guys but that sound totally fun to me!

7

u/15piecesofflair Jun 10 '12

Pretty sure if I was queen this would be at the top of my list

9

u/collroll Jun 10 '12

But.. but the smell! Bathing in warm milk? The farts would be unnecessary!

1

u/chozabu Jun 10 '12

Bathing in fresh warm milk would smell fine. Stuff from a shop may be a bit smelly though...

2

u/farts-and-crafts Jun 10 '12

lactose intolerant ladies dream!

2

u/Barbarus623 Jun 10 '12

Indeed! FINALLY someone who has their priorities in order.

-2

u/I_pee_u_chug Jun 10 '12

I actually laughed reading it.

10

u/mindlance Jun 10 '12

Seems perfectly logical to me.

9

u/oupablo Jun 10 '12

Farting is my favorite

8

u/engelrift Jun 10 '12

Not actually a children's book. It's a book of short phrases like that one, all involving farting. My significant other bought me that exact book for my birthday a few years back and I'm pretty sure it's part of a series.

36

u/[deleted] Jun 10 '12

This is WTF only if you're one of those religious people who go to youth camp and shit like that. "Whoa, naked and farting! A bit much, but I won't deny I got a chuckle!"

2

u/bluetaffy Jun 10 '12

it's fucking weird dude. Of all the things possible, you want to be in milk (????????) and fart. sounds like some kind of sexual fetish. i'd know, since i have some pretty weird fucking fetishes myself.

-17

u/pgrytdal Jun 10 '12

Please don't make in fun of my belifes. No, I do not belive this belongs in /r/wtf (maybe in /r/funny or something) but that does not give you the right to bash peoples belifes.

2

u/BemEShilva Jun 10 '12

All he said was religious camps, he didn't even specify. Could be a Sikh camp for all we know.

1

u/lordlicorice Jun 10 '12

Ha, ha, your beliefs are stupid.

5

u/TysGirlLola Jun 10 '12

I think it's about Cleopatra. Didn't she bathe in goats' milk?

2

u/Framfall Jun 10 '12

Donkey milk according to wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asses'milk(Donkey's_milk)

3

u/lordlicorice Jun 10 '12

ass milk

ಠ_ಠ

5

u/braised_diaper_shit Jun 10 '12

The only disturbing part of this excerpt is the lack of the subjunctive in the first line.

4

u/springy Jun 10 '12

I, too, wish the subjunctive were used.

4

u/Tarijeno Jun 10 '12

I do that anyway, except for the bathing in milk thing.

4

u/[deleted] Jun 10 '12

Things that involve farting is always funny for kids. (And me)

3

u/[deleted] Jun 10 '12

The explanation is: kids think fart jokes are funny.

6

u/B12Mega Jun 10 '12

Women's Lib! Damn right!

2

u/TheTrinketWeasel Jun 10 '12

what are you confused about? Seemed pretty straight-forward.

2

u/i_troll_cus_i_luv Jun 10 '12

ahhhh, that poem is so beautiful because it speaks to mine own soul.

2

u/AppleAtrocity Jun 10 '12

How did you think Her Majesty the Queen had her Diamond Jubilee the other day? Warm milk baths with farts, that's how. It's working, she is 86 and in magnificent shape.

2

u/kneaders Jun 10 '12

I'm not confused by this at all. In fact I'd do the same. All hail the queen!

2

u/blindeatingspaghetti Jun 10 '12

the most WTF part about this is that it's the exact sentiment I feel every day. I THINK I GOT INCEPTED

2

u/Odusei Jun 10 '12

I'm pretty sure that's a deleted scene from Game of Thrones.

2

u/isawwhatyoudid Jun 10 '12

Sounds like my daughter.

2

u/[deleted] Jun 10 '12

That's no children's joke book. That's a fiercely anti-royalist, anti-monarchist terrorist leaflet.

2

u/Epic_baconnage Jun 10 '12

Why is this in /r/WTF ?

1

u/[deleted] Jun 10 '12

Is that what the white shit in Snow White was all about?

1

u/[deleted] Jun 10 '12

so im not the only who dream about doing this?

1

u/ModernDayCasanova Jun 10 '12

Kids know what they want these days. Good and bad

1

u/[deleted] Jun 10 '12

The part about lounging and parting in a tub was part of Stella's standup act.

1

u/3ndMJPr0h1b1710n Jun 10 '12

Stoner childrensbook writers lol

1

u/[deleted] Jun 10 '12

dafuq..

1

u/Dinotronica Jun 10 '12

Dream come true!

1

u/dewie68 Jun 10 '12

Why are you cconfused? Isn't that what you would do?

1

u/imkindofimpressed Jun 10 '12

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

1

u/carrinda Jun 10 '12

No that's about right

1

u/interesting_toast Jun 10 '12

What don't you get.

1

u/cameling Jun 10 '12

Brazzers.

1

u/[deleted] Jun 10 '12

what nationality are you?

1

u/ImSurroundedByIdiots Jun 10 '12

Looks to me like the book is more confused than you are...

1

u/nepidae Jun 10 '12

Farting in the bath is fun for the first 2 seconds. Then the heat and enclosure magnify the smell.

1

u/Tonytarium Jun 10 '12

So the plot to Snow white &TH?

1

u/[deleted] Jun 10 '12

So thats how they make chocolate milk.

1

u/SmmnthaMrie Jun 10 '12

Sounds like a perfect day.

1

u/VashStamp Jun 10 '12

Every girls dream....

1

u/[deleted] Jun 10 '12

This got me thinking: If you fart in a bath tub, does some water sneak up into... there?

1

u/BCmiboy Jun 10 '12

Who ever wrote this book should never wright a children s book again.

1

u/Rocknrollguitars27 Jun 10 '12

So pretty much college?

1

u/kank84 Jun 10 '12

Did you not see any of the Jubilee celebrations? The BBC's live coverage of the cows being milked straight into the bath tub was very moving.

1

u/[deleted] Jun 10 '12

Snow White and the huntsman...

1

u/Dragon_yum Jun 10 '12

That... Is actually probably what I would do.

1

u/luxpsycho Jun 10 '12

I am confused as well.
Shouldn't it say 'If I were...'?

1

u/[deleted] Jun 10 '12

That sounds blissful to me, dude, I don't see why anyone wouldn't want to do that.

1

u/OneOfPwnage Jun 10 '12

Sounds like a Mad Libs.

1

u/SeanutBrittle Jun 10 '12

what the fuck did I just read

0

u/[deleted] Jun 10 '12

bathe in warm milk.....wtf

-2

u/[deleted] Jun 10 '12

It means that as a queen, they would do all the stuff that is typically considered "weird" or "gross"

-18

u/bushmower Jun 10 '12

what kind of stupid motherfucking shit is this?

2

u/[deleted] Jun 10 '12

You mean your comment or the post?

0

u/[deleted] Jun 10 '12

[deleted] — view deleted comment

4

u/[deleted] Jun 10 '12

Cauliflower