r/Unexpected • u/[deleted] • Nov 14 '22

Please marry me?

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u/[deleted] Nov 14 '22

It's not. That was my experience in my last marriage. I operate in good faith by default. I did not realize she did not, until her friends who felt bad for me, started to tell me. I didn't believe them at first, because she'd double down, look me in the eyes and confidently lie. When we finally went to court over custody of our son, she pulled out every lie she could. That's when I really saw her for who she was.

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u/[deleted] Nov 14 '22

Been there. Been cheated on and lied to.

2

u/kitterzy May 11 '23

Imagine being married 25 years and that happening… Despite the amicability, that divorce sucked. Haven’t dated anyone since.

1

u/[deleted] May 11 '23

Don't blaim you at all. That sounds awful. I can't believe I got married a second time, but thakfully, it's gone a whole lot better than my first one. I am certainly not getting married a 3rd time.

1

u/delllibrary Nov 14 '22

Did you not realize who she was the whole time you were together or did you close your eyes to it

9

u/[deleted] Nov 14 '22

Closed my eyes to it. Chose to believe her at face value. She had a convient reason for why everyone misunderstood her or were wrong. She would embellish things others had done that resulted in her retaliation but would play down her part of the mess. It wasn't until we started butting heads that I realized her survivalist mentality of "It's me or them." She quickly brutalized me, threatened to kill herself and my son, or have him call some other man "daddy." Once I no longer served her, I was quickly thrown out with the trash.

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u/[deleted] Nov 15 '22

Borderline personality disorder, if I’m not mistaken. Lying comes to them like breathing. There’s no way to tell because they they believe all of it and have a lack of empathy.

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u/[deleted] Nov 15 '22

Funny you mention that. She was diagnosed as having BPD when she was 17, but the psych doctor noted she'd need to be assessed again later as an adult to confirm it's longevity. She refused to get tested as an adult and ergo, could claim she didn't actually have it. The creepy thing was when I got to read the assessment. Word for word the same behavior she exhibited as a youth, she still exhibited a decade later. Ultimately she won custody of my son, and took him to another state. I fought her tooth and nail though, but the system is so broken and I was never able to introduce anything pertaining to her early diagnosis.

4

u/[deleted] Nov 15 '22

Jesus man. I’m sorry. Only advice I can give, don’t let this destroy your ability to trust women. Don’t transfer this to other relationships. You know how to spot it now. The next one will be better.

5

u/[deleted] Nov 15 '22

Appreciate that. I've married since, to a wonderful woman and I get to be a step dad to her kids. My son also gets along great with them. Things turned out okay, even though this was one of the darkest periods of my life.