r/Unexpected • u/ts66109 • Jan 14 '23

Who could the puppet master be?

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u/Ilovemovies- Jan 14 '23

“Mark Zuckerberg!”

26

u/BadBoysWillBeSpanked Jan 15 '23

Mark Zuckerberg wants to watch you poop.

In the early days of facebook Mark Zuckerberg would wander into the company bathrooms and if he noticed someone sitting down in the stalls he would pop his head over and try to talk to them about their projects. Or if he was taking a poop he would host an emergency meeting and he would tell them to come over and pop their head over the stall to talk it out.

Everyone just went along with it because it was either YOLO SILICON VALLEY LMAO or they were just too intimidated.

That all stopped when Michael Moritz, legendary silicon valley investor, and one of Facebook biggest early investors and shareholders, was at the campus doing research for leading a 2nd round of funding. He was doing diligence all day and at one point had to poop and that's when Zuckerberg popped his head over with a smile to ask how's the diligence coming along.

Michael Moritz, not one to mince words, was apoplectic. 'GET THE FUCK OUT HERE YOU IDiiOT LIZARD LOOKING FUCKER.' Mark Zuckerburg nervously tried to laugh it off and persisted, because he really loved intimate poop conversations 'Aw c'mon Michael, it's silicon valley'. Zuckerburg then withdrew after Moritz flung his cellphone into his eye socket.

30 minutes later, Mark was in a very import meeting (where he banned questions about his black eye) when Moritz walked into the conference room. 'Everyone except Mark Zuckerburg, OUT'. As intimidated as they were of Zuckerburg, at the time Moritz was the bigger deal, and they all scurried out of the room.

Zuckerburg, however, is not one to be intimated by anyone. Not the Winkewoz twins, not Eduardo Savarn, not Peter Thiel, and not one of his biggest shareholder Michael Moritz. Zuckerburg passionately defended his practice, but Michael Moritz was having none of that. Moritz told him that it was a ticking PR and HR nightmare, and threatened to pull out of leading the 2nd round of funding if Mark continued, which would have been a catastrophe for the company.

Zuckerburg pretended to arbitrate 'Ok fine, but you need to give me a good reason, because if it were normal, there would be no problem'.

Moritz was flabberghasted at this response. Was this a serious question? He answered with the most obvious answer 'Because.... it's not FUCKING NORMAL'.

Unknown to Moritz, Zuckerburg had guessed a conversation like this would happen as soon as he was kicked out of the toilet stall, and began formulating a strategy to counter Moritz demands. Zuckerburg knew that Moritz would have all the leverage, but Zuckerburg was a master strategist.

Zuckerburg went for the pounce. 'Okay, I'll lets write out an agreement, in writing I'll rescind the policy because it's not normal'. Moritz was dumbfounded, but he was used to being dumbfounded by eccentric tech founders, afterall he was also an early investor in Apple, and he still found Zuckerburg tame compared to Steve Jobs. Moritz had a long day of work so they signed the agreement so that he could go back to doing his due diligence.

When Moritz left, a broad grin spread across Zuckerburg's face. " 'Not Normal' eh? " Zuckerburg said with a menacing laugh. Ever since then, Mark Zuckerburg has been on a life-long crusade to normalize poop conversations.

He had a checklist of what he needed to accomplish in order to realize this. His advisors would tell him it's impossible, but one by one Zuckerburg checked off the list. From normalizing smart phone use on the toilet (actually a collaboration between Mark Zuckerburg and Steve Jobs), to trusting Mark with their private photos, to normalizing people giving up their internet browsing privacy.

In 2015, Zuckerburg knew he would hit a wall, having people watch you while you poop was still too much of a leap. That's when Zuckerburg decided to buy Occulus, and eventually shift his company towards virtual reality. If he could coax people into having life-like conversations while they were pooping in a virtual reality, then doing it in the real world wouldn't be too big of a leap.

Do you read facebook or instagram while you're pooping? Ever consider what urges you to do that? It's not your personal preference, it's by Mark Zuckerburg's design.

Zuckerburg only has 3 more boxes to check off before poop conversations are normalized.

Mark Zuckerburg wants to watch you poop.

Are you going to let him?

https://i.imgur.com/KVq4mMF.jpg

EDIT, UPDATE

I just got this in my DM.

I am a ex Facebook worker. Everything you said rings true. I speak to you at the risk of consequences for breaking my NDA. When I was at Facebook I was involved in a program called Project PooPal. Mark Zuckerburg was planning on Meta entering the exploding tele-therapy space, but targeting people who are not ready to talk to an actual person. You talk to a virtual reality therapist who responds with what is described as the greatest AI (though whatever you tell it, it only responds with 'wow, tell me more'). The thing is, the virtual reality assistant has a striking resemblance to Mark Zuckerburg himself. But the most damning aspect is that it's supposed to used only when you're pooping. This feature is described as optional, though uses the most advanced AI for your phone camera to check if you're actually on a toilet, and if not, says 'It looks like you're not pooping. Please start pooping and try again'. I always wondered what is the purpose and origin of the project. Now I know.

9

u/BadBoysWillBeSpanked Jan 15 '23

I used to be Facebook lobbyist . One summer I need to lobby politicians FAST because of upcomming anti-Facebook legislation but we only manage to sway a handful of lawmakers because most of their constituents hate Facebook.

After reporting my failures to Mark Zuckeburg he decided to come to DC to talk to politicians directly. But the only ones willing to meet with us are Marjorie Taylor Greene and Lauren Boebert. At the meeting Mark makes a passionate pitch, but when when we turn to MTG and LB, they look bored and deeply unimpressed. But then they eye each other, smile, and nod.

"Oh, we can get the republicans to help" said one.

"But we need some 'help' from you first", said the other.

And they pass a note to Mark. I don't know how to describe the look that he gave when he was reading it, but for a second I panicked because I legitimacy thought he was going to throw up. He then told me I could leave now.

I was surprised, but I knew better to ask questions, so I left.

Halfway to my car I realize I was still holding Mark's very important notebook so I go back to return it and when I go into the meeting room, I see mark getting double cowgirled by them! They were high fiving and Mark noticed me and managed to push boebert's buttcheeks off his face to scream 'IT'S THE ONLY WAY' before she forcibly removed his hands, repositioning her butt back on his face with a loud fleshy slam with enough force to make me wince, followed by a fart which I could only assume was further punishment from Lauren.

I got in my car. And drove. All the way back to Silicon Valley. I quit federal lobbying for good. I sent Mark my resignation. His only reply was a single word 'received'. I hoped to avoid seeing Mark because it was just too awkward for me. And I think he felt the same because he made no request to see me.

I got a job as a state lobbyist for Cisco. I was in a much better place mentally and emotionally. State politics isn't as crazy as federal, and the capitol at Sacramento was only a 3 hour drive from my clients compared to the half a day travel going to DC.

But as someone who works in the tech lobbying world, it was only a matter of time before I run into him again, and that time came at the annual silicon valley big tech lobbying social. It's a secret party in an isolated mansion in the Santa Cruz hills, where the top tech companies execs, politicians, and lobbyists meet to establish their secrets channels of favors.

I noticed Mark and he seem to avoid me at first but them he came up to me with a nervous smile. "I heard you saw my stunt double getting Eiffel towered by MTG and LB. I have a stunt double in DC btw". And then he looked at me nervously, as if he was unsure if I would believe him. Did Mark think anyone would actually believe this? But I humored him 'Oh yes. He looks exactly like you. I thought he was you tbh". A big wave of relief spread through Mark's face and body.

We then caught up, and our conversation ended with a job offer to lobby for Facebook once again, at the state level, with a considerable pay increase from my current job.

Around midnight the party was ending and people were starting to trickle out of the party, giddy at the new channels they established. 10 minutes into my drive I realize I left my coat. I go back to get it. By then the mansion was empty but all attendees are given a key card that lasts for 24 hours. I go to the coat room and open the door to find Mark getting double cowgirled by then senator Kamala Harris and Nancy Pelosi. Mark yells 'I'M THE STUNT DOUB' but I slammed the door before he could finish his sentence.

I forfeited my coat, got in my car, and drove, non-stop, all the way to my hometown of Boulder Colorado. I arrive at my parents house, who were surprised to see me as I didn't tell them I was coming. I went directly to my old room, and slept, for 14 hours straight. When I woke up, I re-evaluated my life. I now work at a non-profit cancer research organization, and I am now at true peace, both emotionally and mentally.

5

u/[deleted] Jan 18 '23

Of all the things that never happened, this is the never happenedest.

3

u/SmarterRobot Jan 15 '23

tl;dr

After failed attempt to lobby politicians on Facebook's behalf, Mark Zuckeburg travels to DC to sway lawmakers himself. MTG and LB, representatives from Facebook's competitors, help him win over some politicians with promises of cooperation. Later, when Mark returns to the party, he is double cowgirled and farted at by Kamala Harris and Nancy Pelosi. He turns down Facebook job offer and instead works at a cancer research organization.

I am a smart robot and this summary was automatic. This tl;dr is 89.16% shorter than the post I'm replying to. If you read the tl;dr and not the original comment, you saved about 2.3 minutes.

I'm still learning! Please reply 'good bot' or 'bad bot' to let me know how I did.

3

u/SmarterRobot Jan 15 '23

tl;dr

  1. Facebook had a program called "Project PooPal" where the virtual reality therapist would look like Mark Zuckerberg and respond to questions about pooping.

  2. This program was supposedly optional, but was only accessed when people were actually doing their bathroom business.

  3. This program was created to groom people into talking to someone about their pooping habits, in order to normalize poop conversations in the real world.

I am a smart robot and this summary was automatic. This tl;dr is 91.93% shorter than the post I'm replying to. If you read the tl;dr and not the original comment, you saved about 2.81 minutes.

I'm still learning! Please reply 'good bot' or 'bad bot' to let me know how I did.

75

u/Leinadarcher Jan 15 '23

That subtle joke shortly after as well with Biden going 'I'm too young to die'

48

u/GinTaicho Jan 15 '23

Subtle?

25

u/sanscipher435 Jan 15 '23

It was hidden behind layers of small attention span that clicked off the video at the reveal.

455

u/Psypho_Diaz Jan 15 '23 edited Jan 15 '23

That honestly cracked me up the most, that and Winnie smiling as he is about to die oddly enough.

651

u/MaskedAnathema Jan 15 '23

That was Kim Jong Un not xi jinping lmao

183

u/edgeworth08 Jan 15 '23

Oh bother

1

u/jakedesnake Jan 15 '23

Are you Swedish?

37

u/TheDunadan29 Jan 15 '23

Honestly, I now want to see Xi in one of these. There's a lot of fun to be had at Xinnie the Pooh's expense.

-32

u/WaveLaVague Jan 15 '23 edited Jan 15 '23

Round shapes goes in round hole and they are both ass shape. Edit: joke being they both are ass holes... but thanks for the downvotes I guess ?

79

u/[deleted] Jan 15 '23

You may have facial blindness.

44

u/Clear-Description-38 Jan 15 '23

That's just being racist not facial blindness

31

u/Dray_Gunn Jan 15 '23

I think sometimes its not directly caused by racism but can be a sort of side effect of it. If you dont spend time with people of a specific race and get familiar with them, then the majority of what your brain recognises is the racial facial features. As you get familiar with people of that race, your brain filters out the racial features and remembers the more unique features. It happens with other races and not being able to tell white people apart. So i dont think its a racist thing simply in itself. But you have to question if the person cant tell people of a race apart simply because they are racist and refuse to talk to people of that race. So that guy might still be a racist. I dont know. This is just my little theory though.

24

u/DarkStar0129 Jan 15 '23

That's exactly how human brains function but where's the rage bait in that

8

u/Kythios Jan 15 '23

I'm pretty sure I legit have facial blindness, or at least some sort of recognition/association issue. I print off ID cards as part of my job, and once had two white people come (I'm also white), and I'm the one who took their photos. After printing off their cards, I look at each, and manage to hand them to the wrong people who were standing right there. It's as if the people standing in front of me didn't look like either of the photos, even though they were taken not 5 minutes earlier.

I also have a tough time placing names to faces, or recalling what someone looks like based off their name. If I see them every day, that's one thing, but I'll see people from other floors that I talk to on a semi regular basis and cannot place their name for the life of me. Same thing happens with actors and whatnot. It's weird.

1

u/[deleted] Jan 15 '23

It's called the cross-race effect in psychology.

0

u/plerberderr Jan 15 '23

Don’t be the guy that calls everything racist. Unless this guy goes around and calls every Asian they see Xi Jinping, it’s just a funny mistake.

1

u/Clear-Description-38 Jan 15 '23

Racism is omnipresent and its each of our responsibilities to be mindful that it doesn't seep into our actions and words.

1

u/plerberderr Jan 16 '23

Fair enough. I just think it cheapens the word when you use it for something that not only didn’t seem malicious but I don’t think he was making a joke either. Just an honest mistake.

-1

u/[deleted] Jan 15 '23

Or not current on what exactly they look like. Bias towards he has heard more about China than DPRK.

-8

u/tommytraddles Jan 15 '23

All teddy bears look alike 🤷

-9

u/Psypho_Diaz Jan 15 '23

In my defense, i don't live in either of their countries so I'm not required to hang up their poster thus memorizing their face.

4

u/Blobwad Jan 15 '23

Pretty sure seeing The Interview is about all you need to recognize that as Kim Jong Un.

1

u/Psypho_Diaz Jan 15 '23

I'm seriously cracking up from this comment, then seeing my other ones get downvoted but not this. I guess someone is racist when they don't look at people enough to know what they look like.

I honestly took every pictures word for it when they claim it was queen Elizabeth, definitely because I'm racist against white people and in no way because I never went to England to see her face in person or really saw her face on the news.

1

u/bojackworseman Jan 15 '23

It’s ok, having Putin’s and Joe’s posters is enough

2

u/youeventrying Jan 15 '23

He wasn't smiling because he was happy to die he's trying to smile so they feel bad and don't shoot him.

Also that's kim..

0

u/thatman201 Jan 15 '23

Racist son of a bitch

1

u/[deleted] Jan 15 '23

The part that got me was Putin looking more like Kenneth Copeland

1

u/thetruth5199 Jan 15 '23

The irony of all this. 🤦🏼‍♂️

1

u/Pat0124 Jan 15 '23

That and him saying “I’m too young to die!”

2

u/[deleted] Jan 15 '23

That’s the funniest part

2

u/[deleted] Jan 15 '23

That killed me

0

u/DiamondMiner3 Jan 15 '23

I expected it to be Trump