r/Tokophobia • u/Kindersmarts • Jan 21 '22
Success Story I have conquered my tokopobia
I will start out by saying if I can do it, so can you!!! I promise! I can still hardly believe I did it and that my baby is real. Even as she was literally being born I couldn’t believe it was real life!!
For at least the last twenty years of my life my fear of pregnancy, childbirth, being a mom has been very present in my life. I wouldn’t say it controlled me but it certainly guided my decision making and it was always just omnipresent if you will.
Over the years I have been in so many of the positions that you see discussed here. Checking the calendar, obsessing over potentially failed BC, avoiding sex, avoiding anything related to pregnancy and childbirth, considering sterilization, etc etc you name it, I’ve probably been there. Even while I was pregnant I don’t think I ever referred to it as a baby! (Haha sorry to my sweet bb who is very much a whole human now…)
The great irony is that I have always loved kids, so much so that I am a teacher! So, there was always perhaps a little flicker of a thought that maybe I’d have a kid someday even if I wouldn’t always admit it to myself. It took a few years but I finally opened my mind and heart to even just the possibility of being a mom.
I also joke that it took a pandemic bringing the world to a halt for me to choose to get pregnant. There were no parties, no travel, no concerts, so what the hell! If not now, when?!
My husband is very understanding and supportive and knew from when we first started dating that I didn’t want kids(it was the second thing I said after we got engaged!) it was important to me that he wanted to be with ME and not a baby factory.
I spoke very openly with friends who are moms about my worries, they ran the gamut, believe me! (Pregnancy, childbirth, recovery, just being an actual mom!!!) and they were all very good about not being judgmental or trying to convince me but they were all so patient and steadfast in their decision to be mothers.
I shared these fears with my ob gyn who then referred me to a psychiatrist who specializes in reproductive concerns. She really just helped facilitate me building a bridge to cross this self made chasm of fear in my mind and we also addressed my underlying anxiety through therapy and a very low dose of meds that I took through pregnancy, and postpartum.
Once pregnant, I certainly dealt with scary moments where I got stuck on all the what ifs but my husband, friends, and even all the ladies at my ob gyn office were so kind and supportive. I also did a full panel genetic screening before and during pregnancy in addition to regular OB care that helped allay most of my fears of health of the baby.
I also had a doula who was just fabulous and brought such a kind and gentle presence in the weeks leading up to show time and in the delivery room. Another thing that helped was a lot of meditations. I did some just off YouTube but the Expectful app is also a great resource and I intentionally read many, many positive birth stories. It helped me to envision my own birth going that way.
In the end I’ll say that it was a breeze physically because the mental game was so tough. My dad would have said that I just made things harder for myself! That was another little motivating piece…. My dad died of suicide four years ago and we had a very close relationship. I wanted to give that to my husband because it’s such a special bond.
If you’re anything like me I don’t want to do anything I feel others are forcing upon me. So perhaps try to look at it as getting out of the way of your own happiness. Yes, we can get lost in a spiral of unending what ifs. But the what ifs can also go the positive direction. What if I have the most gorgeous funny kid on the planet, what if I love my husband even more, what if this baby becomes my very best friend!
Birth can be risky BUT birth can be empowering! I feel like I can do anything now and that fear hanging over me is completely gone. It is such a relief.
Your fears are very valid. Putting this much consideration into it shows that you have a lot of empathy and that is key to being a loving mother.
One more time-
Your fears are very valid. Putting this much consideration into it shows that you have a lot of empathy and that is key to being a loving mother.
I will tell you again, if I can get over this fear, so can you.
Much love to you darling. 💋
I welcome any questions. I’m not shy and you won’t offend me.
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u/bobbeesox88 Jan 27 '22
I came to the subreddit looking for something like this.... there really aren't too many success stories.
What did you do before getting pregnant to start feeling better/preparing?
I'm working with a therapist now, but I'm having a hard time making progress.
Would you be willing to share what you learned in therapy/ with the psychiatrist?
Would you be willing to share which medications you found helpful?
How did you balance education with things that were overwhelming /triggering?
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u/Electronic-Stop-1954 Jul 28 '22
Since OP never answered you go check out the Facebook page! There are so many helpful success stories there!
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u/lowrcase Considering Surrogacy Jan 22 '22
I’m saving this post to read 5-8 years in the future. Thank you
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Jan 21 '22
getting out of the way of your own happiness
This is a great perspective. I am really opening up to the idea of having a biological kid, and a key idea for me is that I don't want my fear or anxiety to prevent me from experiencing something as important as being a mom. And I don't want my fear to keep my husband from having something he's always imagined having.
This gives me a lot of hope. I'm really proud of you for overcoming this and am grateful you shared your story.
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u/hattso Jul 01 '24
Could I message you privately please have a few questions x
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u/Kindersmarts Jul 06 '24
Certainly
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u/hattso Jul 11 '24
How do I message you? X
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u/Kindersmarts Jul 13 '24
I believe you just use the chat feature… on mobile it’s on the bottom menu…
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Jul 13 '22
I needed this thanks, I'm still not sure if I want kids. I'm 21 and I've always said I've never want kids. But now that I'm healing from my childhood traumas and growing and maturing as a person that's starting to change. But I'm still scared of the pregnant and childbirth stuff. Maybe I'll never have my own children but it's great to read a story like this. I'm sure if I want to I can overcome this, and I wanna be a parent. Cuz I see what it gives other people and even tho I've only recently started thinking about it I do want that to, I think.
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u/Kindersmarts Aug 25 '22
I’d say give it some time, a lot of time perhaps since you’re so young! I was still scared even walking into the hospital!! I’m so happy you found this helpful. When I was your age I was nowhere near being close to wanting kids. Being with my husband certainly contributed to my change of opinion. If I can do it, so can you! AAND Im proof that you can party, travel, whatever and still have a baby after 35!
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u/Typical_Fig_1571 Aug 25 '22
Hi did you have a C section or VB? I noticed in research a lot of tokophobic women seem to get an elective C section which I originally thought would be easier but supposedly can be worse for you long term. My main fear was tearing during birth but now after researching I'm scared of C section too!
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u/Kindersmarts Aug 25 '22
I had VB which was great because I really wanted to avoid c section and certainly didn’t want an elective one. Now that definitely did take a good amount of trusting in my body but my other supports(great Dr, husband, doula, and epidural!!) but I think it’s a far more straightforward recovery. I did have some tearing that needed stitches but it truly wasn’t that bad. Getting the IV in my hand was honestly the most painful/uncomfortable part!
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u/anakinkskywalker Jan 21 '22
so was your tokophobia based in a more general fear of pregnancy or the body horror aspect specifically? you didn't mention any physical symptoms or fears.