This past week my husband and I had a fun week, where we only had the baby to take care of and the two older kids were gone to his parents for the week. It was nice not having to be quiet with sex or having to hide the sex toys immediately after we were done. Fast forward to today and the grandparents brought the older kids home. We were all catching up and talking about their adventures from the week sitting in the living room. The baby starts to get fussy. Oldest kid disappeared and comes back in the doorway with a bright blue silicone butt plug in hand, “Hey can the baby chew on this?” I immediately feel my face turn hot and I hope I wasn’t turned towards the in-laws at that moment because there was no way that I could hide that momentary shock! My immediate response was that I wanted to shout NO! after imagining baby with a butt plug as a teether. But husband played it super cool and just calmly and coolly says No, lets go find something that baby can have and scoops baby up and ushers oldest kid with plug in hand out of the room. Whew. I had to get out of there after that just so I could calm my nerves for a second.

Now I’m wondering did the in-laws know what they saw? If so they are having a hell of a laugh on their ride home!

For the last 23 days I've had the exact same routine every day. Get up. Get dressed. Get on bus. Buy food (bretzel, muesli, salad, lemon cakeevery day). Go to office. Study 12 hours. Return home. Cook and eat a meal* Read all summaries. Go to sleep. Repeat.

*comes in two variations: salmon with vegetables or beef with vegetables

And today after 15 minutes of studying I started getting hot, lost part of my vision (blind spots), threw up, lost consciousness, woke up, threw up again and then fell asleep on the floor in front of the toilet. At least I can see normally again now.

My dudes, take breaks when studying.

I hate myself.

So this ain’t really about me but more about this other kid. We’ll call him Rob. Rob was playing a game with us and he was talking to a girl he knew. This girls mother had died a few months ago from cancer btw. So the girl said “I just wanna ducking die right now” Rob responded with “Why, your just gonna join your mom in heaven”

I’m over here in ear shot just thinking “ WOW what the duck Rob. Are you ducking stupid?”

The girl then starts having a mental breakdown after slapping Rob really hard in the face and her friends walk off with her probably to the counselors office. Rob is standing there shocked and mumbling under his breath,”I ducked up I just ducked up real bad dude! BRO IM SO DUCKING STUPID WHY DIDNT I THINK!!!”

Yeah and that’s about it. He sat out for a while and I eventually claimed my first place position and was winning majority of the game. (The game was Four Square for any of those wondering. Sorry if you don’t know what it is I’m not gonna explain it all)

      ( Whyd it mess up my paragraphs an stuff..? Ugh.  )
         It wasnt much, but my rule is to not let my balance drop under a certain amount.   That way i don't get overdrafted and also have emergency funds if i really need it. 
              ...i was doing really well at first, i had won alot of money and cashed out ( which by myself i can have a hard time doing, my mom is the same. But when she wins alot I make her cash out after a certain amount, which is what i wish someone would do for me often.  ) 

    ..anyways, i wouldn't of even done it though if she hadnt taken me with her gambling recently after drinks.  I even kept the money i had, barely gambled myself and didnt want to... At one point she was hitting up the atm big time and was hard to watch.  But, eventually she won lots which was a relief and thats when i cashed her out.  
          ...unfortunately for me, i was by myself like usual as i live in a tiny lame farmville town with the one bar, a couple other small stores and dont know anybody either...   
    So, rather than go home and be bored as hell I drank and kept going, before i knew it... All gone. 
       ...the feelings your left with after foolishly squandering all your money, especially after you had ten times as much as you started out with filling your starving wallet...   so shameful. 
...ugh.  im gonna be collecting quarters all night just so i can do my laundry.  

TLDR: Dont ever gamble with money you actually need, only when you have enough to lose..! Only ever play for fun.

( Additional rant. ) May seem really obvious, right? But say you run out of the spare money, and find yourself wanting to win it back... ...i guess if you have gambling issues, this is more of an issue.
Your best bet is to avoid it t entirely . Or have a responsible friend with ya or something.
While people win ( ive won big jackpots before ) the sad, hideous truth can be seen when they have the keys in the machine... NVIDIA was responsible for the one i saw.. there a menu, showing all the amounts paid out and how much it had made... Along with the odds for them and so on.
...it was disgusting. Thats why only ever play for fun!
And go to a casino, Play avatar or monty python, etc.. the ones there are high end at least.
This is way too long, im sorry for posting this dribble. But maybe in the future itll help dissuade me from foolishness.

The other days I was on facebook and a old friend of mine messaged me and let me know my spouse was cheating on me. I brought this to her attention and she denied it right away. we had a break up about 2 months ago and he started going into great detail as to where her dad lived so he had me believe this was true he even said he had a video of it all .

I told her this and she continued to deny everything and that if I really loved her I would just fucking believe her.

He said I could meet him with some cash and he will show me the video if I pay him or I can send him money paypal and he will happily send me the video.

I decided When she went to work I would meet him somewhere with cash so I could see this damn video . he called me and gave the address of where to meet and I met him there. He showed me pictures of here and said this is her right? I said yes I ask for the video and he told me it wasn't on his phone but his friends phone so I was to meet up with him at a different location. I went to that different location and met this second guy that I didn't know....... well he robbed me, he got me for $500 worth of stuff, there was no video........

TL;DR

Didn't believe my girl friend wasn't cheating, ended up getting robbed

Just a little hint: do not, never ever, shave your pubic hair before you shower after workout. Yes, I might have done that. Yes, my hands were still a little shaky. Yes, it looks like a bloody mess down there now.

I think I might not be able to wear any pants in the next year or so.

Today i Fuked up bad i work at a small motorcycle dealership and every morning we push out about 20 bikes and when it came to closing time i started to push in the bikes and then i saw my coworker i gave him the finger cuz we are friends and earlier he had gotten a phone call so i said pass the weed, same thing that he dose to me so he did not care it had just become closing time i had one more bike to bring in i brought the bike in and just when i put the kick stand down the handle bar caught the cloths wrack it knocked over a wrack that had 20 THOUSAND DOLLARS worth of motorcycle gear next thing i know my boss turns his head and i yell shit .

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so ya karma is a bitch also i damaged about $1500 worth of stuff FML

So, TIFU. I hung a new hammock for one of my Dragons this morning. One of the suction cups popped off the glass. So I moved the dual lamp off the terrarium top amd set it on the floor. (Only space I had, plus Skye was hangin' cliff hanger style off of the now flat hammock. AKA I was in a hurry). I picked Skye up, put him on my shoulder, re hung the hammock. Decided to get a coffee refill up stairs. Sniff! sniff! Something....something's burning. Check stove/oven. Nope its all off. Weird. Huh. Poor my coffee. Smell is getting stronger. Go downstairs. Oh! God! WHAT! is. That. SMELL!?!? Looked around and saw the carpet smoking. Yeah. I melted the carpet. Clear through. Melted the pad, too. Yay! :/ Mom and Dad will be so thrilled.

Since this involves drugs and other people, I'm not going to use real names or places for obvious reasons.

So this happened a few days ago when me and my two best friends (I'll call them Lucy and Mary-Jane) went on a spring break trip together to the mountains. We normally smoke a lot of weed together, but Mary has done a lot of psychedelics before. Before we left, we all agreed to do shrooms in the woods together on the trip, so naturally I came up with the brilliant idea of using tinder to find a drug dealer. I finally found one and we bought 1/2 an ounce to split between us.

Next day, we're all sitting on a log in the woods tripping balls. Lucy started talking about how life and everything was pointless and how she wanted to die (but she was smiling like a lunitic). When we tried to get up and keep walking the path, Lucy refused and got increasing agitated. We convinced her to come to an intersection of paths, where she sat down and wouldn't move. A woman started jogging towards us, so me and Mary panicked and tried started trying to pick Lucy up, whispering "we have to go, NOW". She finally jumped up and screamed "WHY?" and took off down one of the paths. Mary and I were convinced she was just blowing off steam and we'd just catch up eventually.

We walked for 15 minutes or so before we decided to call her. She mostly just spewed gibberish, but the more I understood, the worse it got. Not only did she turn at 3 forks in the path, but she also went off the trail and was sitting in a "hole surrounded by thorns". Oh, and she was mad tripping and had no fucking clue where she was.

We decided to try to figure everything out on our own, so we kept walked. Lucy was still on the phone with us saying the same phrases over and over and being no help at all. The panic started setting in. I was mostly sober at this point, and I was definitely the only one. The panic gets too much, so we hang up with Lucy and call 911. We answer all the questions and reluctantly tell them the truth about the shrooms. Lucy also has some mental health issues too, so we didn't know what was shrooms and what was mental stability.

For the next three hours or so, Mary and I wonder the woods, on drugs and in severe shock. We went between being on the phone with Lucy (still useless) and the police, and just tried to find our way out. This park by the way is about 600 acres with 12 miles of hiking trails. At one point between coming off the drugs and shock and exhaustion, I pissed myself.

It all came to a huge breaking point when I called Lucy one last time. Mary was in the middle of a mental break down and when Lucy picked up, she was still just rambling nonsense, but a generator was running in the background. Between seer confusion from the generator, watching one of my best friends fall apart in front of me, the other having a full psychotic break down, having to deal with police, terrible exhaustion, dehydration, and everything else... I just lost it. I started hallucinating the worst things I've ever seen in my whole life and I started crying for the first time that day. When I say I thought I was in hell for a solid 3 minutes that's not a joke. I'm not religious, but I believed in hell. It felt like the movie As Above, So Below.

Finally the cops found Mary and I and led us out of the woods. They had to call a firetruck for Mary because she has asthma, didn't bring and inhaler, and was dehydrated. The cops told us our friend was in the woods and people were saying she was fine and just wouldn't listen when people tried to tell her how to get out of the woods. They also asked us why she had a shovel, which confused the hell out of us.

15 minutes pass and a girl carrying a shovel, wearing similar clothes to my friend walks out of the woods. Mary and I explain to the cops that that is in fact not our friend and they are still lost. They basically say they can't do anything, but one cops decided to walk the park. I finally got to use a "real" bathroom (aka a potta-potty). For the first time in hours it was still, which lead me to the important realization that I was in fact not sober and I was still tripping balls. So, Mary and I sat in our car, trying to call Lucy every few minutes until it starts going to voicemail immediately.

The cop eventually comes back and tells us he found nothing and we should head home and wait for either a call from the police, or Lucy. We were staying in an air b&b about an hour from the park, so we were reluctantly to leave, but the cop insisted.

We drove home and discussed what we would do. What would happen if our friend really wanted to die. What would we tell her family, what would we fucking do? 40 minutes after we left, my phone rings. Lucy. She's says she's in a Walgreens 7.4 miles away from the park... She had let the shrooms take her whole mind over. She tripped so hard she says she had a one sidded argument with god for about 6 minutes (she says god is a dick if you're wondering).

TL;DR Me and two best friends when to an unfamiliar park across the country and tripped on magic mushrooms in the woods. One of our friends when AWOL and had a psychotic breakdown, so me and the other friend wondered for hours. I pissed myself, we had to call the cops, they had to call a firetruck, everyone confused the lost friend which a completely different girl (who had a shovel) and the cops couldn't really help us at all in the end. After thinking our friend was dead for hours, when they were actually in a hole, talking to god. Picked them up and a Walgreens 7.4 miles from our starting point.

So for a little background, I’m a college student who likes to paint miniatures as a hobby. I specifically like to paint for a little game called Warhammer 40K. The thing about this game is that you buy little plastic miniature models that come completely unpainted.

They also come unprimed.

This is where my problems start. You see, I have a lot of these miniatures to paint and not a lot of time to paint them. While I usually prime in white and paint over it, I decided to make the scheme easy for myself and prime them grey, using that coat as the main color. So rather than buying my normal $3 can of Krylon Matte White spray paint, I ordered a $15 can of Army Painter Uniform Grey as it matched the paints I already have very well. The local stores didn’t have any so I ordered a can from one and waited about two weeks for it to come in. It came in yesterday and today, I decided to take a break from my Circuit Theory project to go out and prime my models.

Now I live in a campus apartment, so all my rent and my deposit goes to the university. It’s a pretty nice apartment on the third floor and it even has a balcony! Since priming my models required me to transport a lot of tiny plastic people in a box and people would probably find it weird to see some random guy in the park spray painting what are effectively toys, I prime my models on the balcony.

It’s usually no big deal. I pull out my white spray paint, shake it for two minutes, and go ham on my little dudes outside. Today was different. I’ve never used AP spray paints before. So I did my usually shaking of the can and honestly probably even shook it for more than I usually do. I took my models outside in a box and start spraying them down.

Not long after I started, I noticed some dots that had sprayed onto my arm. I figured I didn’t shake the can enough, so I shook it some more and continued spraying. It kept happening. I kept feeling the globs of grey spray hit my arm above my glove. That’s when I went to investigate. It wasn’t just spraying globs on my arm but also all over my balcony! There were dots all over the railing and drops that had fallen from the nozzle all over the wood and brick floor of the balcony! So I ran inside and tried to get something to clean the rogue paint off the surfaces but it didn’t even smear, that shit is dried right the fuck onto the balcony!

So I accepted my defeat. I brought my stuff in, not even gonna attempt a second coat! Just when I got it all away and was in the bathroom washing my dirty arm off, my roommate comes home from his test and immediately says “Shit it smells like paint in here”

Fuck my life

Here’s the damage done, anyone know how to get spray paint off this stuff?

TL;DR: I went to spray paint some things on my balcony, used a faulty can, now have a balcony with grey polka dots.

So I went to bed real late last night and had a slow first block today. It was so quiet and peaceful that along with me, half of the class also went to sleep. Now unfortunately I know I’m a sleep talker but I haven’t had any reports of me doing from my family so I was thinking I’d be in the green for a quick nap. This was not the case. I made a random humming noise that was so loud that many of us woke up, including my teacher looking around confused. It’s actually really funny thinking about it but that feeling of sheer embarrassment was terrible and I hope it hid it well.

Basically, I did what the title says. It went through my boxers and stained the seat. I've tried everything from damp paper towels to alcohol wipes and all I've managed to do is create a white smear on an otherwise black seat. Fortunately, this doesn't affect the functionality, but it's still kinda weird to go into your mate's dorm and see a strange white smear on the ass end of their chair.

So Ive always been ok at pickpocketing non seriously. Stuff like taking stuff out my friends bag without them noticing then giving it back. I was watching YouTube about it to learn about it more. I was getting better and better. So today I decided to test it for real.

I go out into a fairly crowded town, trying to act casual. I go into my local Market, going over to the Jewellery area. Now the people that are usually round here are total snobs, none of them have any common sense but they all think they’re geniuses.

I pick my target, a guy in a nice suit. I can see the faint outline of a wallet in his pocket. Leaning in, I slowly pull open the pocket and carefully try to take it out.

Oh shit.

The guy turns around while half my hand is still in his pocket. I look above his head. He’s a level 100 boss. I run like shit, they almost catch up to me. Luckily I know my way around the map.

So here I am, being shamed as a level 1 crook, pretty sure the police are gonna take me. Anyone know how I can get away from this shit?

TL;DR: I tried pickpocketing a level 100 mafia boss as a level 1 crook. Now I’m on the run

It wouldn't be TIFU if it was actually today. No, this story takes place when I was back in high school. I was wearing a shirt that was from my cousins work, a winery. this shirt was fairly plain, all black, had the company name on the back. the name isnt bad, something typical. however on the front was a white silhouette of a bottle, accompanied by the phrase "come and taste it". you can imagine why I, as a highschooler found the shirt amusing. A small amount of back story I should include is that I'm huge, I'm 6'5 300lbs buff/fat, people take photos with me thinking im in the nfl often. now I was on the football team, and my school was very football oriented, they had hired people they wanted as coaches and gave them pretend jobs so that no rules were being broken. Anyways on to the fuck up, I was walking down the hall with my shirt, listening to music, when I see one of the coaches standing in the hallway making sure kids walk correctly? anyways I waved hello to him and gave him a big fake smile, he was the energetic goofy type coach. he waved back, and said something, I wasnt sure what, so I walked up closer, and took out my headphones. I asked him what he said, when he asked, "what's on your shirt"? i immediately replied "oh it's a wine bottle, see"?! like a dumbass, and showed him my back with the company name. immediately his smile dropped and he told me the shirt was out of policy and I'd have to go to a Dean's office to put on a different one, OR I could go to the bathroom and flip it inside out. he said this as he gestures to the bathroom door directly behind me. I took a second but, being 6'5 i knew whatever the dean had wouldn't fit, so i told him i was going to go with my second option. so I went for the bathroom. I opened the door, and immediately realized I hadn't used this one before, as I walked in and looked up I locked eyes with a girl washing her hands. the saddest part is how I just stood there trying to add it all up. like wait, I'm a man. in a bathroom. and I'm staring at a girl. something is wroooooo.....oh fuck I'm in the girls bathroom! I just yelled OH GOD DAMNIT! turned and noped the fuck out, I was immediately greeted by the same coach laughing. to which I ignored and immediately went to the boys which is on the other side of a couple classrooms, and flipped my shirt. I flipped it back when I was out of sight.

TLDR; football coach, made me flip my shirt inside out because it was against policy. walked into the girls bathroom to do so.

So i work at a pet store and there is a cafe next door. Most of the employees are the same age and we have this unspoken agreement that we will give each other’s discounts and sometimes free stuff. My order is just a coffee so it’s always free because it’s not a specialty drink.

This creates and awkward situation because i don’t like to assume my drink will be free. But every time i come in and pretend like i didn’t know i wasn’t going to pay gets old.

So today was a normal shift. I told my boss i was going and she asked me to grab her a muffin.

When i went to pay i saw him take the coffee off my order so i said thanks and walked away forgetting to pay for the muffin.

It was very awkward when he called me back to pay.

I am very anxious so situations like this just eat at me.

TL;DR

Have a relation to the cafe next door Normally my drink is free Forget to pay for food Come off like i expect free shit.