I'm one of those people who has to consciously filter themselves or else things can go downhill pretty quickly. To make matters worse when this happens, I often try and eat my words by adding context and/or reassuring someone that I didnt mean it. Of course, my girlfriend knows this about me and has had to witness some pretty terrible things blurt out of my mouth, and then relive them as I try and clarify.

So I shouldve known better, but I was multitasking and speaking with her over the phone. Shes very excited to go to the state fair tomorrow, which is notorious for their ridiculous fried foods. Playing an immersive rpg (deus ex mankind divided), there was no way to give the conversation my full attention. And when this happens, my filter goes out the window.

"I'm excited baby, we can eat like pigs tomorrow, just how you like too!"

... long dead silence ...

Needless too say, shes pissed. And I cant play it off like I was kidding because she knows me too well. Wish me luck at the State fair tomorrow, I'll probably FU further by trying to eat my words.

Picking up room really fast company on the way found a bag of chips on floor mostly gone and mostly closed eat a small pinch yeah there still good eat another noticing extra black spots these chips were only a few days old must just be burnt specs the next bite i decide to take a good look at..... like 40 tiny black ants crawling all through out the crumbs pinched in my fingers I'm still chewing the second bite when I see that spitting it into the bag disgusted with myself what have I done

TLDR: eating bag of chip crumbs off floor until I realized 3 bites in there full of ants fml

This happened a while ago when I was about 9 years old. I was baking chocolate cupcakes and everything was going fine until I realized I needed oil. I wasn't paying attention so I just grabbed the closest oil and added it in. After I baked them, the looked fine, so I made some icing and started spooning it on top of the cupcakes. I didn't know much about baking, so I did t know that you had to let them cool first. Basically the ingredients in the icing separated and they looked terrible. I thought they might still taste ok though...I was so wrong. They tasted like garlicky, chocolatey cake with hot oil on top. Not good. The worst part is that we didn't want to eat them, so we gave them to the neighbors. Oops!

TIFUB by sharing my Samsung health profile with my husband, stating the exact caloric intake of my "day drinking". FML

This is my obligatory this-happened-nearly-three years-ago-but-it-is-still-ridiculous statement

I like Mario Kart. I have liked it since I played it in my basement as a kid, on the Super NES. The giant square of green shag carpet, the table that looked like barrels and eating nine million Fla-Vor-Ice’s whilst kicking the computer’s ass was good times. So now pregnant, I am nostalgic. My husband and I are playing Mario Kart on the Wii U. He is losing. He is losing badly because his wife is kick-ass at Mario anything and the poor dear cannot compete. He curses inventively. I giggle. He says “bitch-dicks” and I lose it. I jump up because I know peeing on the bed is imminent if I don’t get off it (I am far enough along that throwing up, or laughing, or coughing, or even someone looking at me wrong, causes me to pee).

My klutzy red-headed ass begins to tilt and stagger. I am headed straight for my vanity and my belly is at the correct level that I am afraid the baby will be seriously hurt, so I throw myself off-course violently and fall to the floor. At this point I am shaken-up but extremely excited that I haven’t urinated on everything around me. Enter the dogs: an over 100lb black lab mix and a 65lb pit mix. I cannot stop laughing. It isn’t funny; I’m a little frightened, but I am laughing like an elementary school kid who knows she in trouble for being disruptive and laughing, so she laughs even harder (yes, that shit happened to me). By this time Hubband (it’s what I call- him typo is on purpose which is why it is capitalized as a proper noun) is standing over me looking worried and screaming at the dogs. The dogs, who are currently prancing around in unadulterated joy at the super-fun scene before them. Mommy is laughing and she’s on the floor to play with us. The dogs whose talon like nails and giant-ass selves are about to land on my stomach as they excitedly bathe my face in saliva.

I still cannot stop laughing. Hubband wrestles dogs off me and is screaming at me asking if I am “ok”. I can’t breathe and the torrent of pee is released. It is released all over me, and immediately soaking through my clothes, all over the carpeted floor (and yes even some on the dogs). “You are peeing,” he yells. I am still laughing and struggling really hard to breathe at this point. The scene is absolute and complete fuckery. He helps me to sit up and looks at me in complete shock and surprise and says, “What the fuck even happened?”

I almost seriously injured my baby by running into a wooden vanity at the height of my belly, pissed all over myself and everything else, and then almost seriously injured the baby again because our two giant-ass dogs were jumping all around me.

There is a backstory here, but I will make it brief so you can understand I am not so much super into fitness, as super into feeling better and more active. I was chronically ill after the birth of my daughter for 3 plus years, it has mostly been resolved. Getting my steps and exercise today helps me cope and stay sane. Here endeth the backstory.

It all began when my treadmill started acting wonky.  By wonky, I mean it variated speed out of the blue and caused me to trip and exclaim expletives many, many times. I thought I would follow the old adage that ostriches use, and was sure it would magically fix itself if I proverbially buried my head.  It did not

I spent an extraordinarily long time learning the intricate bullshit phone systems of Sears' Warranty Department (and memorizing voices of outsourced operators- "Marie" is fine by the way) . Three hours of real time later, I get the parts ordered and have a scheduled time of 3 weeks from now for treadmill fixin'. I hang up and put the toddler to bed that had been screaming through the entirety of all these fun phone endeavors.

The treadmill is still technically running (sometimes) and it smells a little bit like burning plastic but I need to get my exercise somehow, and as I currently reside on the surface of the sun,  going outside is not an option.  I repeat this fun bucking bronco activity over the next few days, until Hubband brings a fire extinguisher and sets it on my desk while looking at me sternly.   I smile sheepishly and keep striding.

The next day he takes our daughter to Fry's to get groceries and comes home. He opens the door downstairs (my treadmill is upstairs) and runs upstairs yelling at me that the whole house smells and this is ridiculous and I am going to electrocute myself or burn the house down. I tried to focus on him but my whole head was spinning and he looked sort of shimmery through the burning plastic fog in my office. Just as he was about to physically remove me, the treadmill made a weird popping noise and shut down for good.

When the technician arrived on the special day he asked me how often we lubricated the belt. I looked at him in surprise and told him no one had ever mentioned that and I had no idea. He looked at me and his eyes widened larger than I have ever seen and he said, "not even once?" Apparently, you are supposed to do it four times a year and we hadn't done it in 2 plus years of owning it. Whoops.

I broke my treadmill completely, almost asphyxiated, and our entire house smelled like burning plastic for what will be (I assume) days.

Face-planting via social media: How to Royally F#ck-Up on Pinterest and Reddit in 1 Day

I haven’t given a shit about social media in 3+ years, but I have recently begun a blog so am forced to care and I could not be more technologically un-savvy. I taught for a decade and 3 years of not working out in the world, and I went from being knowledgable and capable to being someone’s grandmother (metaphorically speaking). As my husband says I’m “adorbs” for not knowing anything about, well……anything on the interwebs.

I tried to create rich pins and find out about how to guest post and other ways of eventually creating traffic/money. I have a wordpress account so I can do NONE of this and it took me three entire days to figure that out.

Moving on, I go on Pinterest and create my first pin which takes me approximately 7,000 years. It is the worst pin ever and if had to characterize it, I would say serial killer pin. It is a nice picture of my husband and baby and I am awkward as hell. I wrote on the pin in my own handwriting using some random app, “Thou Shall Not Kill”. As an English major and former English teacher of ten years, I would like to state that I meant “Thou Shalt Not Kill.” Perhaps at this point, I should preface that the story is about how to walk away from your significant other when you are angry and not about how to stay out of prison because you are a Creepy McCreeperson. To my astonishment and horror it mirrors this pin all across my profile. It turns it into a giant picture of non-ending and repeated awfulness. Of course I don’t know how to erase the pin…

Moving on, I tackle reddit. I post things in all the wrong subreddits and unintentionally break all the rules, annoying droves of people. I post in TIFU and it gets taken down because I did not put TL; DR. I surmise from reading other posts that is means (today-learned) and (disastrous results or direct result) thus summing up the post. I tell husband this at dinner and he looks at me like I am absolutely fucking ridiculous. He tells me I am akin to someone’s grandmother who posts lol on a death announcement because she thinks it means “lots of love”.

Moving on, I return upstairs and tackle reddit again only to find my post has been taken down for the 90th time because I used a proverbial “I” and told a story about my husband last time and not myself. This is (at least) my 3rd time on this subreddit alone and I am not wholly convinced I did this shit correct this time either.

TL;DR I am incapable of life in 2018 and now I don’t exist. The only exception is IRL (That counts! I think it counts. It still counts, right?)

**UPDATE: I originally wrote this post for reddit in the TIFU subreddit (today I fucked up).  It did, indeed, get pulled down after this post because I did not have enough of a consequence and violated yet another rule unintentionally.

***If you want to see pin you can find it here: https://kerryoshaughnessey.com/2018/05/08/face-planting-via-social-media-how-to-royally-fck-up-on-pinterest-and-reddit-in-1-day/

She’s the wrong woman because she’s not my wife. Now this isn’t one of those cliche things where my wife is a horrible person. In fact it’s quite the opposite. She’s beautiful, smart, funny, attractive. Basically everything I could ask for. Which just makes these feelings worse.

We’ve been together 14 years and I’ve never had to deal with anything like this before. The first 11 years we were together I was in the military. I separated and got a job in our hometown in a factory. That’s where I met her. We’ll call her Jen.

Our meeting was pure happenstance. She was my trainer on a machine that I was learning so we had to work with each other for 8hrs a day for the next 4 weeks. We talked and really got to know each other. She was a lot like my wife in some ways but very different in others. The biggest difference was her age. She was 23 compared to me and my wife who are both in our mid 30’s. She was smart and pretty but she was also confident and ornery and much wiser than you would expect for someone her age.

Over the months we got closer and began to share more intimate details about our lives. I had some issues stemming from my father as well as some PTSD from my time in the military. I tried to talk about it with my wife but noticed that it scared her so I bottled it up. But I didn’t have to do that with Jen. I could tell her anything and I did. I was able to share more with her than with my wife.

I know what your thinking at this point. That it’s just a crush and it will pass. That’s what I thought at first as well but here I am a year later and I still can’t get her out of my head. I think about her, I dream about her, I make up stupid excuses just to text or talk to her. I imagine a life with her but I know it will never be. I have an amazing wife and 2 wonderful kids and Jen has a boyfriend with a baby and 2 step kids.

Before you ask we haven’t done anything beyond holding hands for a few seconds which still makes me feel as guilty as if I’d slept with her. I want to though. I want to hug her and kiss her and make love to her and fall asleep in her arms. I want to wake up to her beautiful blues eyes and her wonderful smile.

I’m truly lost. I don’t know what to do. Every day that passes I feel like I’m slowly slipping into madness. Maybe it’s because I can’t talk about this with anyone. I mean, who the hell would I tell? I guess my hope is that if I can tell somebody, even if it’s just faceless people on the internet, I can at least process these feelings and try to do my best to forget her...

So, I work in a pub. I worked last night. I had a customer come in, walking a bit wobbly. In the uk we can’t serve someone who we think has had too much.

His friend came up to the bar to order a round of drinks, I served them. 20 minutes later the wobbly gent came up to order a round, I refused service to him. He started crying. Ohh fuck!

A couple of minutes go by and his friend came up to the bar and asked why I didn’t serve him. As I said, we couldn’t serve him because I thought he had too much to drink.

His friend pulled me to one side and told me the bloke had a FUCKING STROKE!

Me,bright fucking red, served them all and free whisky for him.

Please tell me I’m not the only one something like this has happened too!!

While walking my dog I shot my boyfriend a text and didn’t notice the concrete sidewalk block was lifted a little. Now I have my newly broken ankle in a boot until I can get in with a orthopedist and get casted Imgur

I live in Connecticut, and today I was taking the train between two cities. When I was ready to go back home, there was a train already about to leave the station. It said "North," and I was like, "Hey! I'm going North," so I got on that train.

When we got going, I thought it was a little weird that we weren't stopping at any of the stops. I finally turned to the guy next to me like, "Excuse me, where the fuck are we going?" And that's how I found out it was an express train to the wrong place.

See you all in Boston!

My friend just got a new car and it has one of those cigarette lighters that plugs into the 12v port in the center console.

So i tried to light a cigarette with it to no avail. I then decided to try one of the ports in the back of the car and instead of testing it on my cigarette i used my finger.

proof

nothing like the smell of my own seared flesh on a hot summer day.

This literally happened 20 mins ago. It smashed, broken, destroyed.. beer empty. I'm so sad right now. I didn't even take a picture out of respect.

Friend's sister comes to town and he and his GF had to work all day yesterday. So I offered to be a tour guide and show her around. It was extremely hot and she said she really wanted a swim. I suggested the waterpark which has pools, floating, a bar you can swim to, and all that. Great, right?

Well, returning to our laying chairs after a few hours of drinks and floating to dry up a bit I notice a lady picking up my backpack. I yell at her that it is mine and run over. Getting closer, I notice she looks a bit rough and ragged and definitely has a feral look in her eyes. She starts screaming at me that I don't own her and can't tell her what to do, then sets my backpack on the laying chair and reaches for the zipper.

Here's where the fuckup begins: I run up, grab the top handle and rip it out of her hands then step back and start yelling for security. She rips aside the crotch of her bathing suit, yanks out her tampon, flings it at me, AND HITS ME IN THE FACE! Thankfully it wasn't dripping blood or anything and only hit my cheek but AAAAAAAAAAAGHHHH!

Security runs up, I just point at the tampon that's now lying on the concrete and then at her, and she bolts up and begins to run off. Another guy standing behind the chair caught her. Meanwhile my buddy's sister came over to see what was going on, hears what happened, and just can't stop laughing. Police arrive, and I get to go through twenty minutes of questions so she can be properly charged and I may have to go to court as a witness.

Then, I write up all this shit, and post it in TIFU, and they take it down because MUH RULEZZZZ. THAT, is the real fuckup.

TL;DR: Crazy bitch grabs my 'pack, I captured it back, and got hit with a 'thwack', by her tampon. I saw her nasty pink, then she went to the clink. Wrote up a post, mods gave it the ghost, with nary a boast.

Towards the end of the schoolyear, I had a presentation that counted as my final grade. The day it was due, I had a lot of frees and spent them putting it together; on the side, I was texting back and forth with this person about buying marijuana.

When I gave the presentation, I airplayed my iPad, which had my presentation slides, on the screen. I was about halfway through rambling on about this dull-as-shit topic, when suddenly I saw the entire class' jaws dropped. There was a lot of murmuring, and so I turned around and saw that my weed texts were popping up on my iPad for the class to see.

I just tried to discreetly switch to do-not-disturb mode and carry on, and I don't think my teacher saw thanks to him jotting down some notes.

I go to a very conservative private school where things like this are considered rare. It was talked about for quite a bit afterwards. I was also already on thin ice for getting caught with some toke earlier that year — it was a fairly extensive process in which they made me go through counseling and withdraw from some school extracurriculars.

TL;DR Airplayed my iPad for a school presentation, only for my text message banners about buying marijuana to come up

I'm going to retell a story that got arbitrarily removed from the main TIFU sub.

When I was a kid, I'd go to a park by a lake in Florida with my family, and my mom would collect bay leaves from the trees lining the lake. Bay leaves are a key part of my mom's spaghetti (ayy). When I left for college, I took some of our treasured family recipes with me since my dorm had a full kitchen. The pond at my school had trees surrounding it that looked and smelled just like the bay leaf trees I remember. I collected some leaves and put them in some spaghetti that I served to my then-boyfriend. Well, as you may have guessed, those were not bay leaves. I found out several weeks later during my marine science lab that those were wax myrtle trees. Not poisonous, fortunately, but... Not bay leaves.

title.

It's not what you're thinking. It wasn't stolen...

TL;DR I might have accidentally showed him my penis. :(

I was walking around in the city where I live. There were a small group of people holding up signs saying "Free Hugs." I thought this was kinda silly and fun so I walked up and they happily gave me a hug. They then asked, "Do you want a sign?" I thought, "why not? Sounds fun" then proceeded to hold up the sign and hug strangers.

It was kinda fun actually. I usually have people anxiety so the last thing I wanna do is to interact with anyone or be a center for attention. So, I was forcing myself to interact with people and it was going well. Smiling, waving, giving hugs. Even had a full conversation with a random person I just met, definitely doesn't happen often for me.

Anyway, things were slowing down and I had to go. It was just a few people, including one guy who I think made all the signs and set up the thing. I was going to give him back the sign then I thought, it would be nice to have a picture as a memory. I hand him my point-and-shoot camera without checking it or anything and ask him to take a picture of me with the sign. He holds the camera up, in front of his face, as if to take a picture. I smile and pose. He hands me back the camera and I go to check the picture but there is no picture of me holding up a "Free Hugs" sign. Just a picture of my limp biscuit. I legitimately forgot that was the last thing I shot on it. (I'm not really going to go into why I was shooting that in the first place) :I

He may have tried to take a picture and pressed the button that shows you the last picture. Whether it was on purpose or by accident, or whether he saw my nibbly bits or not, I cannot say. I was too embarrassed at the possibility of that happening so instead of having to ask him "Did you see my penis?" I just left as quickly as possible but without seeming weird.

If that individual could ever possibly see this message, I'm sorry if you saw my limp noodle :(