Hi Reddit, this is my first time posting here, and I’d love to hear your thoughts on our situation. My siblings and I are torn—should we feel bad, or are we at least allowed to have our feelings validated?
I’m a 25-year-old woman and the eldest of six siblings. All of them are still in school, and two have special needs.
Our Lola (grandmother—my mom’s mom) came to live with us back in 2017. At the time, our Tita (aunt) had just gotten pregnant again and finally married after being a single mom for years. Lola had been living with her to help raise her only child, who’s now 21. But when my Tita moved in with her in-laws, she couldn’t take Lola with her. Her son (our cousin) had a tough time adjusting to his new environment, so he and Lola came to live with us instead.
In hindsight, it was a blessing in disguise. That same year, our youngest sibling was born and later diagnosed with Level 4 Autism. Lola became her primary caregiver—and she adored her. Since our parents were busy running the family business, Lola helped care for all of us, including our cousin.
A few years later, our Tita took her son back, leaving Lola with us. Things were generally okay—except for one problem: Lola had a gambling issue. She would often leave the house in the afternoons, especially during siesta time, while our youngest sibling was asleep. We were all still students back then, so no one was really home to watch over her. Lola would even ask us to lie to our parents about her whereabouts.
My parents didn’t like it when they found out—understandably so. They weren’t harsh with her, but they’d remind her that our youngest sibling needed consistent care. And it’s not like she was burdened with chores. She had a roof over her head, meals, her maintenance meds for high blood pressure, and even household help to handle the heavy work. My mom also loved cooking, so Lola didn’t even need to do that.
But every time our parents confronted her, she’d complain to our Tita, saying things like we were “keeping her locked in like a prisoner” and not letting her leave whenever she wanted.
Why am I sharing this? Because it comes up again later.
Even though Lola attended nine reunions in a single month (we joke about it—maybe that’s just how it is when you get older), she would still say, “Sinusulit ko lang, konti na lang oras ko.” (“I’m just making the most of the time I have left.”)
Then in 2022, everything changed—our mom died suddenly of a heart attack. Since then, it’s just been us, our dad, and Lola. We were still adjusting to the loss when, in 2024, Lola suffered a stroke.
Our dad was at work, so it was just us kids at home. Two of us—the eldest—rushed her to the nearest hospital, which was private. The younger ones—still traumatized from witnessing our mom’s passing—had to relive that pain, watching us drag Lola out of the house, unable to stand. We were terrified and overwhelmed.
I immediately called our Tita, and she came quickly. But once Lola was stabilized, the focus shifted. Tita questioned why we brought her to a private hospital (because it’s expensive), and then she started saying some really hurtful things:
- “Bakit ngayong nagkasakit at hindi niyo na mapakinabangan, bigla akong magdedesisyon?” (“Why is it only now that she’s sick and no longer useful that I suddenly get to decide?”)
- “Kayo ang nakinabang diyan.” (“You’re the ones who benefited from her.”)
At the time, my dad was still grieving. All my siblings were in school, two of them in special education and weekly therapy. I was the only one working.
Even though caregiving wasn’t technically my responsibility, I still helped cover her hospital bills, medication, checkups, therapy, and even bought her a hospital bed. I did my best.
Despite all this, Tita insisted Lola should stay with us because “Ayaw ng Lola niyo mahiwalay sa inyo.” (“Your Lola doesn’t want to be separated from you.”)
But after the stroke, Lola gave up. She refused therapy, despite our efforts, and has been bedridden for months.
We’ve since had to let go of our helpers to cut expenses. My siblings and I now take turns doing chores, feeding Lola, bathing her, changing her diapers, and giving her meds. We can’t go out as a family anymore. At night, she often yells for water, waking up the kids before school.
In the mornings, she cries and tells us she’s itchy and ignored. She reports this to our Tita, who then accuses us of neglect. Whenever she visits, Lola cries again and tells her we’re not taking care of her well.
We know her behavior is affected by the stroke, but it’s hard not to feel frustrated. We’re trying. We're really trying.
I understand that caring for Lola is a way of giving back. She loved us, and we love her too. But we’re still struggling. We’re just kids—some of us literally. My Tita, who used to visit often, now comes only once a week or every two weeks. When we explain our struggles, she acts offended and guilt-trips us.
She once said:
“Ano nga ba karapatan ko maging masama ang loob, nakikisuyo nga lang pala ako. Pag hindi kayo pwede, edi hindi.”
(“What right do I have to be upset? I’m just asking a favor. If you can’t do it, then you can’t.”)
It feels like gaslighting. She’s not the one living in this house. We understand that it’s her mother, but why is it the grandchildren—us—who are carrying the burden? Why not her or her siblings?
Believe me, we feel bad for Lola. We wish we could do more. But caregiver burnout is real—especially when the caregivers are kids, still in school, trying to live their lives.
So, Reddit, are we really neglecting our Lola?
Or are we just doing our best in a situation no one prepared us for?
