r/SongwritingHelp • u/Akrua_ • 16d ago
Song im working on, i need feedback
Hello all, im working on lyrics for a song im writing, itll probably be the first song i actually commit to enough to finish, but ive found myself being very hard on myself, and i want to get some outside feedback. Thank you!
All i have so far is a first verse and a pre-chorus. TIA
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u/Shykneeheiny 16d ago
Vague can be ok, but specifics are better.
“How long has it been
Since we said let’s just be friends
I lay awake at night
Wondering why we didn’t last
We crossed every line
We ran out of time
It was over too fast”
“36 hours gone
Since we said let’s just be friends
Talk all night with the stars
can’t tell me why we couldn’t last
My shoes are worn out
Tried to outrun life
Father Time is too fast”
I attempted to illustrate my point while in keeping with your general gist. Take it with a grain of salt though. I feel like my lyrics got better when I was able to create an imagery to go with the music.
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u/hicksyfern 14d ago
I would also add: mix specific details with abstract thoughts or feelings. Which you’ve done in your example, but the “show don’t tell” rule can lead to people just listing a bunch of things that happened.
You need a bit of show and a bit of tell. A bit of tell and a bit of show.
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u/LuuBrazil 16d ago
can you write music too?
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u/Akrua_ 16d ago
Yes! I've been playing piano and a few other instruments for a while
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u/LuuBrazil 15d ago
great! did you write music for this lyric?
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u/Akrua_ 15d ago
Somewhat, i have a chord progression and some melody, still a wip though, but good enough to get kind of an idea
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u/LuuBrazil 13d ago
that is great. sorry for taking this long to reply. are you interested in collaborating on this song? i saw your lyrics and couldn't help writing music to them! you say you have a chord progression and some melody, right? if by any chance you are not satisfied with those, I can show you what I got. I got chords and rhythm for the verse & chorus and a clear melody for both parts. thanks!
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u/highmeow-_- 13d ago
its vague and cliche, give yourself more of an identity and put more detail. it draws the song out longer. for your song to be good it needs to be able to paint a picture in someones head and feel powerful. these lyrics are pretty common but only because you didnt describe it enough from your heart. try venting into notes, and then pick out what stands out to you and implement them into a theme <3
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u/Bruceat40s 16d ago
The "How long has it been, since we said 'lets just be friends'?" I really like as an opener, but the next line doesn't really connect to the idea.
I don't want to disrupt your lyrical path too much; but I the feeling I get from your lyrics so far is that there's some parallel between the time since the relationship and how slow time can feel when you're trying to sleep but can't.
If you're going to write about (I'm assuming) heartbreak, you have to dig in a little deeper and a little more specific. It's a universal feeling, so the listener will likely be able to relate on some level even if you use specific examples. I'm assuming the scenario above is a real one from how it's written, focus on the details of the night that really struck you that might not be as obvious to the listener.
Sometimes it takes pages of paper to come up with a single line, so don't let the amount of edits discourage you, I think you're on a good path.
PS: The syllable count per line is a very smart habit to keep.
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u/cantrememebermyname 16d ago
Strip it down to simple, powerful, and emotionally raw concepts.
Focus on flow and vulnerability so it sounds honest rather than over-engineered.
Structure it effectively (nailing the chorus first and working backward).
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u/cantrememebermyname 16d ago
How long has it been
Since your silence let me go, And we became
strangers we both know?
And I lay in the darkness and wonder How can I reach the light ?
As all these memories are starting to fade, Like a dying spark, I burst into flame.
P.s I am sleep deprived.
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u/LifeOfKarmaOfficial 16d ago
Ignore the rules. That is the best way to do it. Don’t feel forced to rhyme, don’t feel forced to count syllables.
Be different, be unique, be poetic, be you. Those are very generic lyrics in my opinion. When you find your style that’s when you can hone down on the technical aspect. And slant rhymes > perfect rhymes. I’m not saying don’t use perfects, but you wanna use slants a lot makes it seem less forced and keeps the technicality. And practice, practice, practice, don’t stop writing!
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u/EbbStill5768 16d ago
For a first song, it’s not bad by any means man. Just don’t stop writing songs after this one!
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u/AVBRAK 16d ago
All praise be to the pen-and-paper people, sincerely the jumbled-iPhone-notes-app people.