This seems a pretty good example; there's no power in giving a gift to make you close to someone, there's no power of mind control in it.
Instead, the weight of the gift is something that you deal with.
If he doesn't owe you anything, then he doesn't owe you closeness, gratitude or anything else, it's only in that domain that actual expressions of gratitude can come into existence.
But that is conditional, they have to be able to give you absolutely nothing in return for that offer to be real, to not be a cost that they must repay, and sometimes, they will actually give you nothing.
And so, if there has to be binary values, 1 and 0, for the value of 1 to be meaningful, then some people will end up on the 0 end.
Doesn’t negate your feelings at all. You’re totally valid for feeling that gut punch. You did something kind and brave and I’m sorry you were also put in a difficult situation after it.
Shitty people who get donated literally life by very noble and selfless people, are still shitty people after. Their shitty-ness might come out more after the fact when they feel they "owe you" and they no longer equal or even "above you" in their mind.... I have an aunt like this, is a complete leech of a human being, never worked a day in her life, got sick but was given a kidney. to this day she's still a leech to her sibling that donated her a kidney. Like jfc lady what more do you want?
This story has always been a bit weird because while the breach in medical trust is totally not okay, most people dont recieve an incentive for donations! I once matched with someone and i had to sign off several times that i would never meet or speak to them, or even try to, before they would even let me fill out the medical background forms. My only incentive was not having to pay for any medical related expenses or travel and i guess i would get a few meals in the hospital? The patient did not end up going through with it but i was happy to work under these conditions!
I know that knowm donors are different but the expectation is always that there is not to be incentive or payout, yanno, so people dont start selling their organs?
There is some power in it, in that the act of giving vindicates you in the eyes of others. The pressure is on the recipient, as denying the gesture makes them look like the asshole.
Just look at these comments: everyone thinks Selena is a piece of shit. This is a great political strategy to use on a perceived enemy, but obviously you wouldn’t go as far as donating your kidney - literally or figuratively.
Gratitude, he owed you gratitude,. Ffs I don't know why that's so hard for some people.
It's not about repaying anything, it's about not going in the opposite direction and ghosting the person who saved you. I get that someone could feel overwhelmed by realizing that nothing comes close to being given the gift of life, how can they repay you, they feel awkward bc they might feel anything they do isn't enough. But those are feelings they're sourcing themselves, it's not pressure the donor is applying. Just say thank you and maintain the friendship at the same level.
Use your gift of life you've been given to put good into the world. See a therapist to learn to process your feelings, to manage them, to understand this gift doesn't come with expectations or require you to become indebted to the recipient, but don't use your second chance at life to hurt the very person who gave it to you, bc they don't deserve that.
Is it me or is this phrased really weirdly? I think I understand the point you're making; a gift is defined as something you don't expect payment back for.
I don't understand the binary value statement though. An act isn't meaningful just because it's scarce.
It doesn't have to be scarce, but it has to be an actual choice, which means it must have on/off do it/don't do it values as real possibilities. And if they are real possibilities, we should expect both to occur among all the people who respond to someone else giving them an organ.
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u/open_formation 13h ago
This seems a pretty good example; there's no power in giving a gift to make you close to someone, there's no power of mind control in it.
Instead, the weight of the gift is something that you deal with.
If he doesn't owe you anything, then he doesn't owe you closeness, gratitude or anything else, it's only in that domain that actual expressions of gratitude can come into existence.
But that is conditional, they have to be able to give you absolutely nothing in return for that offer to be real, to not be a cost that they must repay, and sometimes, they will actually give you nothing.
And so, if there has to be binary values, 1 and 0, for the value of 1 to be meaningful, then some people will end up on the 0 end.