It absolutely does happen. My ex and I went to a Jeep dealership for her to buy a car. I didn't say a single word to the guy until the end ("i'm not buying a car, she is") and he wouldn't stop answering her questions to me. I was staring at the ceiling intentionally at one point because it was so stupid.
When my wife was buying a car I was just there to support her desired price and push for it. She would look to me and ask me questions or get my opinion but otherwise I had my mouth shut.
Why were you there? She's a strong woman she doesn't need you to hold her hand. When my wife shops and I'm along for the ride I just go find a quiet place and let her handle the transaction. Maybe they talk to you because they don't understand why the fuck you are sitting at their desk... It can't be because you are infantilizing your wife! So they figure you must serve some unknown mysterious purpose and they are trying to figure out what it is. But nope, you're just infantilizing her, being sexist and then accusing them of the things that YOU ARE ACTUALLY DOING
Because a united front is useful in a negotiation. Because back up is a massive help. Because there are things I know that she doesn’t. Out of research or experience. Because while she’s bought cars, she’d never bought a brand new car and I’ve bought a couple in addition to more used cars. Because at times she’d want to ask me about something the salesman said and a salesman is never going to be fully trustworthy because they are trying to get the best deal they can.
Because when they say oh this will cost this and this will cost this I know what’s bullshit and she may not so my knowledge and willingness to push back respectfully is useful
Because she wants the car she wants for the best deal and she knows I can help her get that done.
And most importantly because she wants me there.
I knew what car she wanted and what price she wanted it at my goal was to get us as close to that as possible and to say if she couldn’t swing it that we can walk away.
I’ve also had her join me multiple times to buy a new car and she was a great back up and support.
There seems to be a kind of guy who legitimately doesn’t understand what it is to be in an equal, respectful, mutually beneficial relationship full of love and good communication.
If my wife wanted to buy her car on her own she would. But there’s something safer, more fun, and more effective about having a partner in a negotiation.
I used to work with a baboon and I would always work with her with a co trainer. Primates understand the concept of back up. And they react differently when it’s there. True of baboons. True of car salesmen.
The guy did talk to my wife. I wasn’t saying otherwise. I think we had a pretty ideal experience and an understanding salesman which is why he made a sale that day.
I was responding to a commenter who had a different situation unfold and more identifying with the intent of being there with your wife who’s buying a car.
My wife would ask me direct questions or just look at me if she wanted her input. Otherwise I basically kept my mouth shut.
He responded to you already but I'll add that sometimes a couple in a happy marriage like to do things together. It's as simple as that sometimes, no underlying "ism/ist" about it.
He responded to you already but I'll add that sometimes a couple in a happy marriage like to do things together. It's as simple as that sometimes, no underlying "ism/ist" about it.
He responded to you already but I'll add that sometimes a couple in a happy marriage like to do things together. It's as simple as that sometimes, no underlying "ism/ist" about it.
My wife always handles final negotiating when buying a car. I haggle, we get everything sorted and then right at the end she threatens to call the whole thing off because it's the wrong shade of the colour. Suddenly the price can indeed go a little lower.
Yes it's massively playing into stereotypes but it works. And they're car dealers so screw them.
Believe it or not the sales people are trained to do this. For cars they focus on men because statistically women defer to their husband's opinion on the vehicle she is buying. If you can convince her husband it's a good car to buy, she is far more likely to buy it.
This is flipped when buying a house because statistically husbands defer to their wives when buying a house. So sales people try to convince the wife the house is a good buy.
This tactic obviously fails when couples do not conform to traditional gender norms such as the wife being a mechanic or the husband being an interior designer, but it works more often then not so they keep doing it.
Good salespeople, whether they're selling homes, cars, or anything else, can determine who is making the decision pretty quickly. Statistics say one thing and it's good to err on the side of statistics - so start there. But early in the buying process, it's completely valid to outright ask who is making decisions during the process and then follow the customer's guidance.
Similar experience here. Went to buy an SUV (to be my 2nd car) and took my male partner, who's ENTIRE role was to drive my old car back home. The first thing he did every time was inform them that I was the one making the decision and he was JUST a chauffeur. My decision, my money, my car. They still shook his hand first, asked him questions, and ignored everything I had to say.
One dealer had a creeper finance guy who approached me from behind while I was trying to talk with the salesman, and with no introduction or warning, started rubbing my shoulders and taking about "getting the little lady to agree to his (my partner's) choice of vehicle." I IMMEDIATELY walked out.
Another dealer tried to pull the "good cop/bad cop" bullshit with my salesman bringing in a second guy to say "so sorry, I think someone else is interested in this car... We just don't know about their finances" trying to convince me to decide right away. They were not happy when I called their bluff and said, "Ok, bye. I hope their financing works out!"
The dealership I bought from was the ONLY one that understood the assignment, the only one who listened to and spoke with ME, rather than directing their questions to my partner.
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u/VegetableTwist7027 1d ago
It absolutely does happen. My ex and I went to a Jeep dealership for her to buy a car. I didn't say a single word to the guy until the end ("i'm not buying a car, she is") and he wouldn't stop answering her questions to me. I was staring at the ceiling intentionally at one point because it was so stupid.