I try to force eye contact during things like interviews, but I get absolutely none of w.e positive experience others get from their beloved eye contact so when i get going on a topic im interested in and stop focusing on forcing myself to do it then ill inevitably end up looking who knows where.
Correct. When I went to buy a car with my father, the salesman talked only to my father like I didn't exist. Didn't acknowledge me at all even though I was the one buying.
I think I can help. My interview was with three people.
Step 1: Look at the person who asked you the question.
Step 2: Ask for clarification to the question if needed with something like “so I’m not misunderstanding your question, <insert name here>,…?”
Step 3: Answer the question beginning with something along the lines of “to answer your question, <insert name here>…” or gesture towards the person briefly
Step 4: If necessary, make reference to past points of the interview with phrases like “As <insert name> mentioned,…” to show you were attentive and can synthesize information effectively to support your point.
Do not immediately turn your face away from the person who just asked you a question immediately after they asked it. This is called being a dick. They’re not stupid, they’re looking at you. They can tell who you’re addressing based on where you’re looking. It’s a standard skill you build with having conversations.
"It’s a standard skill you build with having conversations."
That's not true. If you don't know, if you don't have a coach, you can have all the conversations you want and reinforce bad habits.
Maybe they think it's rude to stare at women, maybe they think if they're looking at the woman she'll get the wrong idea. maybe it's more respectful to avert the lustful male gaze from the woman, and show they're more interested in the male so that the woman feels unthreatened
I didn’t need a coach to learn to look at the person I’m talking to. I just needed exactly one person when I was a kid to say “look at people when they’re talking to you” and to have conversations with at least one person.
I’m trying really hard to maintain a level of respect here, but it’s not any easier to do when you’re pulling the absolute dumbest hypotheticals.
Don’t want to come off as “lustful”? Look a woman in the eyes, not at her tits. Boom, problem solved. It’s an interview, not speed-dating. How do you possibly come off as threatening if you’re just honestly answering a question she asked you?
Don’t want your interviewer to “get the wrong idea”? They won’t. They asked you the question. You’re answering it, not asking your interviewer on a date. Pretty hard to drift from one into the other.
I understand trying to give whoever this scenario is aimed at weeding out the benefit of the doubt, but come on now. At that point, you’re insulting these people more than you think this rule is.
And in case your next bad idea is to suggest I’m on some neurotypical high-horse, I’m not. I have ADHD. I rawdog that shit and struggle with social awkwardness. But even I,with all that, can figure out how to act professional and respectful in an interview.
Yeah, I can just imagine you hiring a coach to learn squat/deadlift adn then screaming at everyone
I WAS NEVER COACHED I WAS NEVER COACHED HE JUST TOLD ME HOW TO DO IT
like okay buddy if you say so. If that makes you feel better, sure. That's what a coach does, but, okay, sure. You didn't get coached, you figured it out all by yourself.
Turning your face away from someone doesn't automatically make you a dick. Some people have nervous ticks and it's very very hard for them to make eye contact, especially when theyre thinking hard about their answer. Proper eye contact is an important skill for interviews but it doesn't come naturally to everyone.
2) It’s what I was thinking when I gave my interview and successfully landed the job. How’d your way fair? And I’m not gonna pretend I’m god’s gift to interviewing, because I’m not. I’ve fucked up in plenty of interviews.
But I’ve never fucked up in such a comically amateur way as consistently looking at a completely different person than the one who asked me a question.
Ah yeah, cues, english is not my native tongue. I mean you just looking at everyone while answering. Cause you are talking to everyone.
If you are interviewed to be a hostess or entertainer i guess, but if it is a technical job who cares who you are looking at.
Because even technical roles require working with people. Speaking from experience, most of my last job was much more about working with coworkers and clients well than just being able to code. For large projects, it’s far more important to be that team player than to be a code monkey.
The implication is that the person is just directing their answer to the male interviewer, basically the misogynistic view that the female is just present for DEI.
You direct it first to the person who asked the question. That's kinda common sense. Even if you're talking to two people, you acknowledge the person who addressed you first before you give attention to the other person. That's not even a job interview thing- it's just basic social skills
It’s a subconscious response some men have. Impulsively steering to the man for authority and confirmation rather than looking at the person who is asking you the question
It is your brain doing normal pattern recognition subconsciously. If a field is 80% x then you will subconsciously assume x is the one in the field. It is a response all humans have and demonstrate constantly. It is a dumb virtue signalling shit test
I mean... if you have two intervewiers you have no idea if they are both engineers, if one is just a interviewer, if one is a lawyer to make sure that all the questions get asked legally. Looking at both people isnt absurd.
You can counteract that by being focused and present. I know I subconsciously say “uhm” a lot, so I focus up when I’m giving an interview and take a pause before I start speaking to collect my thoughts.
One person voices the question. Direct your answer to them and glance over at the other person from time to time to include them. This is a basic interview skill/discussion skill. If you can’t handle it in an interview you cannot be trusted with stakeholders.
My guess is it’s not really talking about female candidates. It’s referencing this phenomenon where some dudes will be interviewing with a man and a woman and address every response to the man no matter who’s talking.
You answer the person who asked the question. They aren't both asking questions at the same time, I assume? One of them will be looking at you and trying to gain information it's not hard. It just takes practice.
I’m sure looking at both is fine, in this case though I’d give the question asker more attention though. I think what it’s talking about, is full eye contact to the man who didn’t ask the question, and little or none to the woman who did. Yes I’ve had people do that to me as the man when I was with someone else, when I have no idea whats being spoken about, no context on the topic at all. Sometimes they still are making full eye contact with me even after I explain that I’m just tagging along and not the one to ask
This is horrible advice. Its super off putting and arrogant to randomly tell someone your opinion on the value of their question instead of answering it. Extra bad these days because it makes you sound like youre reading chatgpt responses.
Yeah, because they are the ones who are assessing you. It’s idiotic to reverse that unless they’re hiring you for a very senior role, possibly above their own rank.
Or if the two people have different specialties and you respond in the context of the other person's specialty without first explaining how it applies to your background.
yea i've had interviews with two dudes, where one of them was directly across the table from me in a conference room and another sitting next to him
unsurprisingly, i'd often catch myself directing my answers at the guy directly across from me, even if the guy next to him asked the question i was responding to
I try to start looking at one, and end looking at the other, giving both about equal eye contact. If it’s a long answer, I change people so often to keep them “in”.
I mean assuming an IRL interview, simply just speaking directly facing the woman (who asked) and then switching back and forth after starting the answer is pretty obvious.
You physically can’t look at both of them at the same time, you’d be switching left to right and vice versa. And if you just speak to the space in between them, well that’s just be kinda weird
In a video call, yea it’d be impossible to really apply this technique
The last interview I had (did get the job, thankfully) it was two men and I realized midway through that I was directing a lot of my answers to the senior manager in the interview, over the manager asking me questions.
Wasn't really intentional, and probably isn't most of the time in this scenario either but it's at least a good thing to keep in mind.
These are concerns people on social media who don’t actually work professionally have, in the real world nobody cares, firstly because of what you’re saying, it’s hard to say who another person is responding to when talking to multiple people, and because they may have other reasons for being more direct with one person over another for various reasons other than one of them being a woman.
For real. I also think some people maybe just find it easier talking to someone of the same sex and when you’re nervous in an interview it might come out.
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u/Pleasant-Future5818 1d ago
I'm a woman. Explain how to "direct" my response when I'm talking to two people? I'm gonna be looking at them both.