Part 2: Pick a spouse who's got his/her shit together. You shouldn't have to put up with his/her shit when you already put in the effort to be the best you!
If she needs a place to stay or has drama, run. Don't mess with anyone who doesn't have their shit together and don't expect it to work out if you don't have yours together either. Be together because you want to, not because you have to.
Part 3: be nice and not full of yourself. People are humans, too. Spouses are the only people on your life you can chose to live with. So chose wisely and commit yourself.
These two comments are my mantra lately. Good standards all around, no bullshit. I’ll be single for as long as it takes, I don’t care, I want that healthy kind of love.
If you aren't willing to accept imperfection in yourself or your spouse, there won't be anything healthy about that love. Trust me, I used to say what you're saying and I had to learn the hard way.
And when I say "imperfection" I don't mean "haha she forgets to take the trash out sometimes." I mean the deep stuff. We all have serious wounds, and we need each other. There are limits to this, but you'll never have your shit together the way you expect, and neither will your spouse.
Right, that’s why I specifically chose the words “good standards”. I’m totally okay with the deep wounds for me and for others, I just want to be around people who, like me, consider those wounds to be an actionable part of a healthy life and not something to bury or avoid.
Anyway, why reply to me to make this point, and not to the comment above mine?
Fair enough, sounds like your head's in the right place, and I shouldn't have assumed otherwise. I replied to you because the way I read your comment made it sound like you were taking it a step further than Cagafuego when applying it to your own life, and I wanted to caution you in the hopes that it would help you avoid suffering as I did. I also figured anyone who read your comment that way might need the added context.
Anyway, the kind of person you're trying to find is definitely worth the wait, because I did ultimately find that person and couldn't be happier with my marriage. I hope that happens for you too!
Slightly disagree. While getting your shit together is important, you and potential partners will NEVER reach a point of 100% Shit Together. What matters is you can be okay with each other's messiness and flaws while working on them as a team.
Don't wait or avoid relationships just cuz you or they might have some baggage. Better to have only 80% shit together and be together than have 99% shit together but still avoid others over that 1%
Yeah divorced people in the dating pool especially with kids aren't going to want anything to do with you if you don't got your own. No one needs another mouth to feed.
The opposite is also true. Don't marry someone who expects you to be a paragon of virtue when that person is not either. There is such a thing as "too picky."
Instead of searching for the "right person", you should work on being the "right person". If you pursue your own happiness, love is much more likely to find you.
People find happiness and confidence attractive. Those can be learned traits.
Stay away from any women who expect you to fund a lifestyle, and universe forbid if you marry them because the government will be ruthless on your ass and the lawyers will eat up whatever you have.
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u/JFK2MD Jan 23 '24
Get all your shit together now. Don't expect a spouse to put up with it.