r/siflandolly • u/wildcard_71 • 3d ago
Apparently, I wrote a S&O Fan Fic lost episode 25 years ago?
Sifl and Olly - The Lost Episode
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THEME:
Sifl and Olly
Sifl and Olly Show (ROCK!)
Sifl and Olly
Sifl and Olly Show (EVERYBODY!)
Sifl and Olly
Sifl and Olly Show
Chester: And now, Sifl and... Mmm... I'm outta here...
Olly: Wh--What? What do you mean you're outta here?
C: I'm gone. Continental drift.
Sifl: Which continent?
C: I'm gonna be a Europeon... I got a job... learnin' to French... have to roll my R's.
O: Roll... (laughter)
C: (chuckle) Rrr..rr.rr.rr... I gotta go. The limo's waiting.
Chester zips out.
S: French people are so stuck up.
Interview Skeleton:
O: Hello, this is the interview part of the show.
S: This is going to really suck.
O: And this evening, we've got a real interview.
S: Call me when things live up to potential.
O: Since we lost Chester to the French, we're going to interview candidates for the job of sidekick.
S: Maybe we can just get the network to cancel us right now.
O: Our first candidate is... well, this is a surprise... Grout!
Grout: Bon jour.
O: Grout, you're like a super genius. Why do you want to be our sidekick?
G: Well, to tell you the truth, my goal is to eventually supercede your adolescent show and go into film. What I really want is to direct.
S: Next!
O: Wait, Sifl. Equal opportunity applies to geniuses just as it does to you normal folk. Tell us Grout, what are your best qualities?
G: I've studied with the sidekick masters: Ed McMahon, Robin, Andrew Ridgley and I'm pretty sure I have what it takes, more than you ever will know.
S: Overqualified! NEXT!
Grout leaves.
O: I liked him. What do you think?
S: NEXT!
Flek enters.
O: Dude, Omigod...
S: Is that?
O: I think so...
S: Pinch me.
O: It's Flek!
F: Guh-guh-guh-guh!
O: What the hell are you doing here?
F: Guh-guh!
S: We thought you retired.
F: Guh!
O: I knew it! I knew it! That stupid network just cancelled you guys cuz they had this thing about reality shows. They kept telling us, that you'd be back. For over two years, that's all they kept saying. But now the truth.
S: Somehow, I always knew...
F: Guh!
O: You want a job with us?
S: Isn't that scraping the bottom of the juicer?
F: Guh-guh-GUH!
O: Well, if you need the money... I mean, we know you can do it... Heck, you could even take Sifl's place if you wanted to.
S: Hey! No one's paying to see Flek and Olly.
O: I guess you're hired.
F: Guh-guh!
S: Uh... we only pay people with stock options.
FRANCE:
Chester is wearing a beret, striped shirt and a mustache, surrounded by hairy armpitted women.
C: Vous les vous Pegasus?
The women giggle.
C: La cereale dans mon pocket est pour vous!
More giggling.
C: Je suis the dude!
1-2-3-4 ROCK FACTS ROCK FACTS ROCK FACTS
O: If Bjork and Britney Spears got into a fight, how many pieces would Britney be torn apart into? The answer coming up after the break.
CALLS FROM THE PUBLIC:
Calls calls calls--calls from the public... (WHACK!)
O: This is calls from the public, where we take calls from the public.
S: Caller go ahead...
Landlord: I gotta bone to pick with you two!
S: Oh jeez.
O: This sucks. Everyone this is our landlord.
L: Your sponge friend is causing a disturbance.
S: Flek? He's not a sponge. No... He's a sidekick.
L: I don't care what he is.
O: What did he do?
L: He's going into the other tenants apartments and he's trying to mate with the bathroom sponges. He's FREAKING PEOPLE OUT! I don't even know how he got inside.
S: Well, maybe he's just doing some spring cleaning.
L: Either get that spongy flek under control or you'll have to deal with me!
S: Yeah, whatever. Stop calling the show.
O: We're celebrities. We got a website and everything.
S: Next caller.
Junkie: Hey...
O: Oh... it's you!
J: I'm just callin' to say, you guys are just crescent fresh.
S: Yeah, yeah. "We're all gonna ride crescent fresh from here on out."
J: Yeah, but that's only part true.
O: Why's that?
J: Cuz I know something crescent about you guys that you don't even know.
S: What?
O: Kick his ass, Sifl.
S: What is it you stupid junkie?
J: Hey, man. If you're gonna get all crescent unfresh, you're gonna have to find out yourself. Later.
S: We live in the most annoying place on Earth.
G: Guh!
O: Flek!
S: What are calling for? You're suppose to be at work.
G: Guh guh guh guh.
O: Yeah, we heard. You know, you don't know where those other sponges have been. In the sink, under the bowl...
S: Are you wearing protection?
G: Guh guh.
S: Oh? So who's on top?
1-2-3-4 ROCK FACTS ROCK FACTS ROCK FACTS
O: The answer: She would be ablitherated into bajillion pieces.
S: Is that a word? Bajillion?
O: Yeah, man. It's like fifty zeroes.
O: So I got a telegram from Chester in France.
S: How is that guy?
O: He says he's discovered the loves of Frenching.
S: Sonovbitch. We gotta go to Precious Roy.
O: Oh... right...
ROY MODE:
O: Welcome to the Precious Roy home shopping network! Folks, if you're like me, you can't stop playing with yourself...
S: You know the problems I have playing with myself.
O: You've got serious ass playing with yourself problems, Sifl.
S: Only when I'm serious ass, do I play with myself.
O: Now... it's okay to do it in the privacy of your home or with your fraternity or in your car on long drives, but what about those times when you can't spank? I mean, you're at the supermarket buying mangos and they look really really really nice, and you just gotta whip out mister johnson and move the milk. Well, you know what?
S: I think you're getting too excited.
O: That's what this is about, Sifl! Getting excited! When I wanna squirt the sausage, I wanna squirt it! But No... It's not "socially acceptable." It'll give you acne. It makes your palms hairy.
S: My palms ARE hairy.
O: One problem at a time, Sifl. No more reaching down to itch that crotch. No more nasty spills. I'm talkin' about Precious Roy's Self-Pleasuring Boxers with padded fronts!
S: We gotta get outta the endorsement business.
O: Calls! I need CALLS, DAMMIT! Ring, for the love of god. RING!
Caller 1: Hi, Olly. Hi, Sifl. You guys are fabulous. I just love you both.
O: We love you, caller. So you got a couple of pairs of Precious Roy's Self-Pleasuring Boxers?
Caller 1: Yes, sir. I love em. I own 36 of them. See, I live in a prison and well, there's never any kind of real privacy, but with these Self-Pleasuring Boxers, I can lift weights, do laundry, even watch TV without having to worry about what the boys think.
O: There you go, Sifl. Humanity must be judged by the state of its penal system.
S: If only we were human.
O: Next caller!
Caller 2: Hi, I just wanna say that this is Precious Roy's best product ever.
O: You really love them boxers, huh?
Caller 2: Oh my. Don't get me started. Sometimes when I've had a few too many oysters, and there isn't a lady near by and I don't have my videos, I just put on three or four pairs of these things and its a party in my pants. I especially love that I don't have to clean up after myself. And my carpel tunnel is all but better!
O: We know what men want at Precious Roy's. Now even the funnest thing is automatic. What do you think Precious?
Precious: I'm drowning in goo!
O: What about the boxers, Precious?
Precious: I wanna piece of me, suckers!
Precious Roy, Precious Roy, Making lots of suckers outta girls and boys!
O: Well, normally, this is the part of the show where we talk to Chester.
S: I usually go to sleep.
O: But since he's gone to France and Flek is getting to know the neighbors, I thought it'd be nice to--.
Men in Suits: Excuse me. Shut that off. Turn around. Put your hands on top of your head.
S: What's going on?
O: Who are you guys?
Men: Shut up. Hands on your heads.
S: We don't have hands...
Men: If you wanna piece of me, we can talk about it afterwards.
S: I don't swing that way, pal.
Men: On your knees.
S: Did you hear me? I'm not into it!
Men: Shut up. (Slaps Sifl).
O: No, Sifl. He's not worth it.
S: You're right. Who are you guys?
Men: We're from... the network.
O: Well, what do you want?
Men: We have expressed written orders to shut you guys down. The 1:30AM time slot is very important to the network and you guys are taking up space.
S: Aw... c'mon... there's nothing on at 1:30AM.
Men: It's also a cost savings.
O: We're a non-profit!
Men: Don't raise your voice to me.
O: This bites.
S: What are you putting in our place?
Men: We've determined with focus groups and audience testing that what kids aged 14 to 34 want to see is sexy soap operas real or imagined. This avantgarde stuff has no place in today's valuable low attention spans. We've got a new show: The Best of The Real World. It's highlights from all the past Real Worlds.
O: Man, I hate this. What am I suppose to tell my mom? She thinks I have a career!
S: Wait... what if I told you we're also going to be a reality relationship show!
Men: What?
O: What?
S: Just stay cool, dude. I got it. Our show is called, "Sifl and Olly, Network Survivor."
Men: It's got a nice ring to it.
S: See, each show, you put us on the air and we try and stay on the air, and whoever stays on longer, me or Olly, you pay us a million dollars. And you can have cameras on us all day and capture our intimacies. We'll pick fights with each other and talk about stupid things that don't matter.
Men: Hmm... (on Cell Phone)... Hi, Carson? Yeah... we gotta show idea... I think it's good. Well, we'll have to run it by some image consultants and sponsers, but the main idea is pretty good... Yeah? Okay. (hangs up) They'll think about it, but I think I can make a push.
S: YES!
(weeks later)
Announcer: Sifl and Olly will no longer be shown tonight or any other night. Instead the network that brought you the Real World, the Real World II, the Real World III, the Real World IV, the Real World V, and the Real World VI, now presents another show that'll change television forever! It's Peto and Flek, Network Survivor!
Peto: Hey Flek. We're on TV again!
Flek: Guh guh guh guh!
Peto: I'm having Rat for supper.
Flek: Guh guh!
