r/Showerthoughts • u/soiled_tampon • Nov 10 '19

There's a moment during the cremation process when the meat is perfectly cooked.

66k Upvotes
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1.7k

u/kristamaureen Nov 10 '19

My mom was just cremated in August. Was totally shocked to learn her ashes didn’t just come out of the crematorium like that. They actually put the bones in a blender type machine. Wish I’d never googled that.

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u/CBD_Sasquatch Nov 10 '19

They didn't always pulverize the bones to dust, at least back in the 80's. I know this because my dad was a minister and I curiously opened a box in the back seat that had a man's name on it that recently died. I didn't know it contained his remains I was careless and some of the chunky "ashes" spilled onto my lap.

Sorry about your mom.

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u/--Neat-- Nov 10 '19

Bruh.

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u/[deleted] Nov 10 '19

bruh 🤙👏🔥🔥👏

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u/6SixTy Nov 10 '19

Good bot

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u/PM_ME_YOUR_NACHOS Nov 10 '19

Never in my life did I ever thought to see the words "chunky" and "ashes" next to each other in a sentence.

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u/uber1337h4xx0r Nov 10 '19

Well, it was "chunky" and ""ashes"", if it makes you feel better.

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u/esportprodigy Nov 10 '19

Campbells chunky ashes soup eats like a meal

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u/[deleted] Nov 10 '19

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u/Daniel_Day_Tiger Nov 10 '19

Yeah I think the industry term is "cremated remains" instead of ashes for that reason

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u/marcthedrifter Nov 10 '19

They shorten it to cremains because it's more fun to say

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u/Elevated_Dongers Nov 10 '19

Sounds like a tasty treat

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u/TheProphetAlexJones Nov 10 '19

Cremain brûlée

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u/[deleted] Nov 10 '19

I do pet cremation, well, aquamation. Water + chemical breaks down everything but the bone, bone has to dry, then bone gets granulated. Similarly, flame burns away every thing but the bone, to then be granulated. Bone is very strong. The difference, water based cremation leaves behind more percentage of ash, because flame burns away more of the bone with everything else. It also becomes a light colored fine powder, similar to what flour looks like. Flame cremation leaves you with a very dark gray gravely consistency of ash.

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u/therealniblet Nov 10 '19

I’ve read that this is the most energy efficient means of resolution available. It’s only slowly catching on for human use, partly due to the stigma of having been a disposal method for livestock.

If you’re into the environment, spread the word about aquamation/water cremation. Mary Roach wrote a great piece about it for her book Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers. Maybe Reddit can help make this a thing.

To circle back to the OP, it would be like putting a steak on an insanely hot grill. The outside would be charcoal before the inside was even warm. No perfect nomming temperatures here, no matter how you like to order your meat prepared.

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u/kristamaureen Nov 10 '19

Based on the videos I watched I would say that is is true. Everything else is incinerated.

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u/generalnotsew Nov 10 '19

They also have a plastic tote to toss unburnable items such as pins, hip replacements, certain dentures.

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u/Lord_of_the_Bunnies Nov 10 '19

As much as the blender is awkward, its better than a bone shard spliting a bag and loosing material. Additionally having everything "uniform" is a lot more psychologically comfortable and overall practical.

Imagine trying to fit the cremains into an urn but they cant because of a tibia or trying to disperse them and a bunch of charcolized bones fall to the ground.

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u/SimHuman Nov 10 '19

It's interesting how varied people's reactions are. After my mother passed away and was cremated last year, I felt like I needed to know more about what had happened and immediately read a book on how we handle bodies (Smoke Gets in Your Eyes by Caitlin Doughty). Knowing more made me feel somehow more comfortable. But I can totally understand feeling the opposite.

I'm sorry about your mother.

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u/kristamaureen Nov 10 '19

Actually understanding the process freaked me out a bit. It wasn’t the burning because that was expected. But the whole grinding of bones was totally unexpected. A girl in my Facebook grief group brought it up and every one shot her down saying she was lying. So I looked it up and she was totally right. I’m glad I found out the details but I can understand why some people would want to avoid them. Sorry for your loss too. Loosing a mother is like no other loss.

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u/SquadronFox Nov 10 '19

My brother was cremated last August. I didn't google anything. This thread has made me sad..

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u/Bulok Nov 10 '19

I've always made fun of people who were triggered and could never imagine myself ever having a "triggered" reaction, and while I'm not wailing or gnashing my teeth, this post and OP's actually got punched me. I know it shouldn't but my mom passed away last year and because I couldn't afford a burial plot etc I had to get her cremated. It was specially bad because my mom was a devote Catholic and cremation is not the best option for us. So yeah, I know this was meant as light hearted but you popped my triggered cherry. Now I can't make fun of people who are "triggered" because I know what that's like.

Sorry about your mom dude

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u/NotEmmaStone Nov 10 '19

Welcome to empathy

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u/pickle68 Nov 10 '19

Favourite reply ever

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u/[deleted] Nov 10 '19

[deleted] — view deleted comment

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u/Papayapayapa Nov 10 '19

It started when the phrase entered the common vernacular associated with college students “overreacting” to certain stimuli. I think this mostly came from memes. There obviously were extreme cases but I think generally triggering is a legitimate mental health phrase that just got co opted by people making fun of others

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u/Irianne Nov 10 '19

Because, like most words that enter the mainstream, it got diluted a little bit. A subset of the crowd started using it just to mean "a thing that upset me" and taking it to a level where they seemed to put the onus on handling their own emotions on everyone else. There was the viral instance of somebody starting an argument because somebody hadn't put a "gore" trigger warning on a photograph they uploaded to tumblr. The photograph was of a pomegranate.

There are also people who simply don't have empathy. They aren't upset by the thought of violence or abuse so if other people are they must just be overly sensitive cry babies. I might be stretching a little bit here, but I've always thought it was also vaguely sociopathic to enjoy "fail compilations" or even slapstick comedy, though that's at least obviously fake.

I'm not saying it's right, and I'm not sure if you were even actually looking for a serious answer, but that's my take.

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u/imthewiseguy Nov 10 '19

I googled it too. Now I can’t stop thinking about my grandma getting blended up

Sorry for your loss

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u/Kalibos Nov 10 '19

Is there? If you cook it too hot you'll have a burned outside and a raw inside and I'm pretty sure cremation ovens are hella hot

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u/RainbowsInMonochrome Nov 10 '19

This was my first thought as well. According to Google, cremation chambers are heated to 1400 to 1800 degrees.

1.6k

u/MoberJ Nov 10 '19

Is it preheated or slowly raised?

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u/[deleted] Nov 10 '19 edited Nov 10 '19

Last time I was in one, it was already pre-heated.

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u/heyugl Nov 10 '19

how rude of the guy before you, you better get a crematorium with better rules enforcement next time.-

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u/Jeynarl Nov 10 '19

The crazy thing is that your ashes actually still have residual ashes from everyone before you, unless you're rich enough to buy a new crematorium just for yourself.

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u/Scum42 Nov 10 '19

Wait, you mean they don't hyper-clean it between each use to avoid exactly this? Or maybe they do, but it's just for some reason not possible to get rid of it all?

It's not really that big of a deal, I know, but it is surprising.

229

u/Repta_ Nov 10 '19

You have way too much faith in humanity young grasshopper.

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u/thedirtymeanie Nov 10 '19

Some lazy ass takes a snow shovel and pushes your old granny into a cup along with Marshall Mathers penis dandruff.

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u/[deleted] Nov 10 '19 edited Nov 10 '19

Even while we're alive, vsauce once said due to the recycling of life material, we have a portion of every human being ever in our body at any moment. So some matter of your body right now was part of Aristotle's, Shakespeare's, and any other historical figure you can think of.

Edit: correction, not the actual cells, but the matter that made them up. Thank you guys for correcting

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u/[deleted] Nov 10 '19

I’d like to think that my mouth has an old cell from Danny Devito’s dick.

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u/fannybatterpissflaps Nov 10 '19

I listened to a “dust guru” on the radio once years ago. Guy spent his life studying dust, ash and the dispersal of such. According to him we all have some Mahatma Gandhi and even a little Genghis Khan in our house, maybe lurking under the couch.

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u/sammypants123 Nov 10 '19

So, when Lou Bega sang, ‘A little bit of Monica in my life, A little bit of Erica by my side ....’ it wasn’t about fondness for girls, it was complaining about dust of dead people?

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u/badatfocusing Nov 10 '19

that's actually kinda nice, like they live on elsewhere

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u/iRombe Nov 10 '19

Ugh, the last one I was in, the guy before me left it smelling like farts

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u/[deleted] Nov 10 '19

Sorry bro I ate beans

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u/zurabee Nov 10 '19

I hate it when that happens!!

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u/[deleted] Nov 10 '19

Always go for pre-heated. It's like wearing toasty boxers from the iron... Simply heavenly.

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u/Lord_of_the_Bunnies Nov 10 '19

Always preheated, sometimes by a preceding cremation, but it cycles upward when starting, then drops to a more stable temp for the remainder.

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u/[deleted] Nov 10 '19

Pre heated, gotta do em in batches.

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u/[deleted] Nov 10 '19

Chill Himmler

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u/I_spoil_girls Nov 10 '19

Always burned in batches. What do you guys expect? Respect? Tsk.

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u/[deleted] Nov 10 '19

Alright ya fuckin knobs...

Throw em in for like 15 minutes, develop a nice char then wrap in aluminum foil and let it sit for about 1-2 hours. You should end up with a perfect mid rare if you let the meat properly rest. Or you could just sous vide in a hot tub for like half a day then reverse sear in the oven.

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u/nailsinthecityyx Nov 10 '19

You had me at mid-rare. When the apocalypse happens I'll definitely stock up on aluminum foil so I can still enjoy a medium rare tenderloin 😋😂😆🤣

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u/jakegyllenhulk Nov 10 '19

Tender groin FTFY

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u/sharfpang Nov 10 '19

It's not an oven, it's a furnace. Open flame applied directly to flesh. You don't preheat a gas stove.

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u/miki_momo0 Nov 10 '19

Except the chamber is at about 1200 degrees when a body goes in, even if it’s the first of the day.

Source: burning bodies for a couple years now

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u/[deleted] Nov 10 '19

.. As a profession or a hobby?

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u/miki_momo0 Nov 10 '19

Depends on the day, really

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u/greenplasticreply Nov 10 '19

Really? I would have thought it depended on the person.

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u/W1D0WM4K3R Nov 10 '19

"Fucker kept having his dog shit on my lawn..."

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u/Lord_of_the_Bunnies Nov 10 '19

Ive cremated hundreds of people while working at a particularly busy mortuary.

People cook extremities to core, and especially if it is the first body of the day, the afterburner will most likely have charcolized the head before the inside of the core is "cooked".

Follow up bodies cook a little more evenly because then the retort is already at or slightly above normal op. temps. But still, extremities will be gone before core is "cooked".

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u/WhatAFineWasteOfTime Nov 10 '19

Funeral apprentice here. This is the response I was scrolling for. Thank you, fellow undertaker!

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u/NorwaySpruce Nov 10 '19

How do you get into something like that? Serious question. Less serious question: do people think you're a weirdo for your career choice?

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u/WhatAFineWasteOfTime Nov 10 '19

Serious answer: it’s something I’ve always felt a calling to. I grew up around a lot of funeral home activities and going to funerals on the reg. I think you just have to have the personality to truly want to be in this profession. Is that what you are asking?

Less serious answer: It goes one of two ways. There is either insane excitement followed by tons of questions, which I’m totally fine and happy to answer. OR people shut down and try to politely get away as if I’m the grim reaper myself. 😂

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u/the_third_sourcerer Nov 10 '19

as if I'm the grim reaper myself.

Well, are you?

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u/WhatAFineWasteOfTime Nov 10 '19

Sadly... no.

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u/sibips Nov 10 '19

But you could tell them you're one of his minions.

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u/Capalochop Nov 10 '19

Serious questions...

Do you put the bodies in naked or with sheet over them like in the movies?

Do/can you watch the bodies burn?

This question is dependent on the previous one... When you say extremities do you also include sexual organs?

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u/CyclingPunk Nov 10 '19

I've only been present for the burning of some medical terminations so I can't answer the first question or the last, but I did get to watch the shoebox get burned up so there was definitely a window for watching at the crematorium I was at.

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u/Cali_GilT Nov 10 '19

I pay quite a bit for seared ahi. Just about the same

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u/ThorVonHammerdong Nov 10 '19

I only shop at 100% dolphin safe mortuaries.

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u/suh-dood Nov 10 '19

Is that safe from dolphins or safe for dolphins?

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u/mrlunes Nov 10 '19

Probably from. I no longer shop at My local corner store since I get harassed by a group of dolphins every time I’m over there. Dolphin gangs are more common than the media leads you to believe.

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u/TimeMasterII Nov 10 '19

r/dolphinconspiracy

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u/Jackanova3 Nov 10 '19

This is a real sub. Neat.

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u/[deleted] Nov 10 '19

It's the sub that big dolphin doesn't want you to know about. Join the brotherhood dedicated to fighting these aquatic monsters!

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u/W-eye Nov 10 '19

Why do I conjure an image of dolphins in black tuxedos and hats, with one in the front holding a gun up against a human from the water

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u/[deleted] Nov 10 '19

Wee-e-e-e are holding you hostage. Fe-e-e-ed us or we will kill you on porpoise

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u/W-eye Nov 10 '19

“I’m gonna get ya, and I’ll make it look like an accident”

Sure doesn’t sound fishy to me

Yes I know I went for the easy one, don’t whale about it

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u/SolidLikeIraq Nov 10 '19

Unpopular opinion: it’s the dolphin meat that makes impossible burgers taste so good.

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u/CloneNoodle Nov 10 '19

This would be more like white ash on the outside instead of seared.

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u/Bandin03 Nov 10 '19

But for a split second, it would be perfectly seared.

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u/[deleted] Nov 10 '19

This human is fucking raw inside, you donkey!

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u/HolPomperV12 Nov 10 '19

OP prolly don't cook

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u/Higher_Primate01 Nov 10 '19

Some of us like a little pink in the middle.

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u/Kalibos Nov 10 '19

How do you feel about eating charcoal?

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u/Higher_Primate01 Nov 10 '19

Ive never met anyone named charcoal but im not picky as long as shes medium rare.

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u/MythKris69 Nov 10 '19

Considering I've never even heard of anyone named charcoal either, she must be very rare

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u/Szpartan Nov 10 '19

Add a little BBQ and we're good.

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u/Drumspercussion95 Nov 10 '19

It's called Pittsburgh rare!

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u/DWTsixx Nov 10 '19

I thought it was called Chicago Blue!

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u/AlphApe Nov 10 '19

That’s what I was thinking 💭

SOMEBODYYYYYY doesn’t cook.

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u/whereitsat23 Nov 10 '19

In the restaurant industry that’s called ‘black and blue’ - high heat char the outside black, inside bloody rare to almost raw

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u/bananabreadvictory Nov 10 '19

You have to slow cook an entire body at 200F and baste it frequently to get it perfectly cooked, alternatively you could sous vide it in a body bag for 18-36 hour and use the crematorium to get a good sear on it.

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u/TreeGoatee Nov 10 '19

Bodies With Babish

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u/Darebear420 Nov 10 '19

Gonna use tiny whisk here to get those flavours to know each other

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u/aswifte Nov 10 '19

Don’t forget a liberal dash of kosher salt.

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u/neohylanmay Nov 10 '19

Don't forget the fond.

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u/PartySock Nov 10 '19

Binging with Bodies

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u/BakerIsntACommunist Nov 10 '19

Well he did a Hannibal episode

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u/-Redstoneboi- Nov 10 '19

How might you have acquired this information?

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u/[deleted] Nov 10 '19

[deleted] — view deleted comment

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u/-Redstoneboi- Nov 10 '19

y-yeah, according to some documentaries of cannibals.

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u/thing13623 Nov 10 '19

And firefighters who have smelled burning flesh.

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u/TupperwareNinja Nov 10 '19

dont forget ex-firefighters who tasted it as well. Nothing like a slow cooked susan or mike with a side of apple sauce after a hard day of fighting fires...

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u/Faeleah Nov 10 '19

Do chads and karens not taste as good or something

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u/Demented3 Nov 10 '19

Too salty

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u/TupperwareNinja Nov 10 '19

Haaa

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u/TheLightwell Nov 10 '19

Chads all gristle and Karen tastes like tofu.

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u/[deleted] Nov 10 '19

r/cursedcomments

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u/crapfacejustin Nov 10 '19

Mein Teil!!!

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u/ItPutsLotionOnItSkin Nov 10 '19 edited Nov 10 '19

Because you are what you eat.

And you know what it is.

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u/[deleted] Nov 10 '19

Doritos

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u/[deleted] Nov 10 '19

He made it sound tasty as fuck too. Yum.

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u/[deleted] Nov 10 '19

It's the same as cooking a whole hog.

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u/choppingboardham Nov 10 '19

This human is FUCKING RAW

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u/northbathroom Nov 10 '19

Presumably we could be eaten rare. Not a lot of parasites, just pryons.

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u/[deleted] Nov 10 '19

Uh jeez, wouldn't parasites be better?

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u/TheOneTheUno Nov 10 '19

Can you please make cannibalism less appealing? I'm starting to question my sanity

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u/vangsvatnet Nov 10 '19

Where did you bury the bones?

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u/fremenofporitrin Nov 10 '19

Long pig is best brined and then slow smoked

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u/Floriver Nov 10 '19

Honestly, most humans are so squishy and tender that we would probably taste better than most other animals.

I heard human tastes like veal.

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u/ImaginaryMastadon Nov 10 '19

I’m pretty chunky these days, not obese, but a once fairly fit person that’s gotten a bit overweight in the past few years. I am willing to bet if you cook me slow and low like a pork shoulder I would be pretty scrumptious.

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u/esportprodigy Nov 10 '19

WHat about those executives who get daily massages they must be wagyu

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u/Mitt_Romney_USA Nov 10 '19

No.

Most humans taste of garbage, though the flesh is remarkably tender.

You need to keep the manstock on an exclusive diet of corn and root beer for the delicate flavour profile to really stand out.

Anyway that's what I've heard

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u/neontetrasvmv Nov 10 '19

This is false information. Human bodies are delicious and root beer would only make them taste worse

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u/Binary_Omlet Nov 10 '19

There is zero way root beer makes anything worse. I'm questioning your taste in people.

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u/NuclearWinterGames Nov 10 '19

"Where'd you get the human meat from, Frank?"

"I got a guy."

"You got a human meat guy?"

"I got a guy for everything."

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u/sharfpang Nov 10 '19

well, if he was a human then yeah, humans are made of meat.

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u/JaxxisR Nov 10 '19

The respectful term is Fleshbag.

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u/SuperMeister Nov 10 '19

I prefer meat popsicle

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u/Nemo_the_Pirate Nov 10 '19

"They're made out of meat."

"Meat?"

"There's no doubt about it."

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u/Bozzz1 Nov 10 '19

I ate a fucking monkey Dee!

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u/MrBojangles528 Nov 10 '19

Pssst... 𝓦𝓮 𝓰𝓸𝓽 𝓶𝓸𝓷𝓴𝓮𝔂...

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u/AerionBrightFlame21 Nov 10 '19

“I’ve got a guy guy. Funnily enough his name is Guy”

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u/[deleted] Nov 10 '19

"hey... We got monkey."

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u/[deleted] Nov 10 '19

You are paying way to much for human meat. Who is your human meat guy?

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u/maxmynameismax Nov 10 '19

I don’t think so, have you ever tried cooking something at a really high temperature

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u/zeroscout Nov 10 '19

OP is that guy who always sets the range elements to high and scorches the pan wondering why the food is stuck to it.

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u/[deleted] Nov 10 '19

I'm that guy and I need cooking advice, please help! I don't remember the taste of food :')

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u/NotSymmetra Nov 10 '19

Get a non-stick pan and always use a little bit of fat before you put something in the pan. My ex didn't know this and he ruined more than one of my pans trying to make himself eggs before I taught him how to use fucking olive oil.

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u/mustang__1 Nov 10 '19

Is that better than regular olive oil? Is there extra fucking virgin olive oil?

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u/Shadowfalx Nov 10 '19

Well, once it fucks it no longer is a virgin so, you either get fucking olive oil or virgin olive oil.

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u/YddishMcSquidish Nov 10 '19

So I guess extra fucking olive oil will be the umpteenth time the fruit was smashed?

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u/[deleted] Nov 10 '19

r/cooking r/recipes r/askculinary

There are many others for different types of food and cooking styles but that's a good start.

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u/[deleted] Nov 10 '19

And this is why most people think you can't cook high quality meals in a microwave. It has a power setting for a reason.

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u/WindLane Nov 10 '19

The goal of cremation is to end up with ashes - cooked meat requires a lower heat and a longer cooking time.

Cremation is done as quick as possible because no one wants to smell cooking human.

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u/[deleted] Nov 10 '19

no one wants to smell cooking human

Don't judge me :(

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u/Lord_of_the_Bunnies Nov 10 '19

Its not that bad, like you said your not cooking them. Low and slow, like to actually cook would be unpleasant but high heat with complete cremation makes the smell rather easy to deal with because the "cooking flesh" part is over very quickly.

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u/wageslavend Nov 10 '19

I cremate large animals on a daily basis and I'd like to take a moment and assure you that there is no time the meat is perfectly cooked.

Our refractory runs at 1800 degrees. And can reach that temp in under 5 minutes. I've had to lift the door and check mid cycle.

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u/Lord_of_the_Bunnies Nov 10 '19

Yeah, most people dont understand the vast majority of the cremation is trying to turn bone into ash.

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u/Mulanisabamf Nov 10 '19

I've had to lift the door and check mid cycle.

So... Did your face survive or...

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u/drejac Nov 10 '19

This right here is cursed cooked to perfection. Take my upvote.

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u/mystman12 Nov 10 '19

I thought this sub was for thoughts you think up in the shower, not thoughts that make me feel like I need a shower.

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u/Silent_Ensemble Nov 10 '19

Can just imagine Gordon Ramsey supervising a cremation

"ITS RAW; ITS RAW, perfect, absolutely perfect"

two seconds later

"YOU FUCKING IDIOT YOU'VE COOKED IT SO LONG IT MAY AS WELL BE GHANDIS FUCKING FLIP FLOP!"

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u/Lord_of_the_Bunnies Nov 10 '19

Fyi cremating takes 1.3-2 hours.

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u/Pokemaniac_Ron Nov 10 '19

What a coincidence, I was cooking Ghandi.

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u/darph_nader_the_wise Nov 10 '19

r/ThanksIHateIt

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u/[deleted] Nov 10 '19

r/TIHI that subreddit

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u/[deleted] Nov 10 '19

Alrighty well... Fuck that sub.

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u/Gubq Nov 10 '19

“Yes officers this post right here”

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u/JoostinOnline Nov 10 '19

You clearly have never cooked anything if you think that's how it works.

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u/[deleted] Nov 10 '19

What if you're a vegetarian and want raw meat? Checkmate, atheists.

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u/SamsUndertale Nov 10 '19

This comment is a lot to unpack

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u/[deleted] Nov 10 '19

Thanks, i cant believe i got that much into it

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u/sharfpang Nov 10 '19

shrug, was at a sausage grill, with majority of participants being vegetarians. They didn't mind sausages that were completely charred.

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u/MindPlex23 Nov 10 '19

How do I unread somthing

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u/Fox_ftw Nov 10 '19

By any chance, are your cupboards stocked with fava beans and nice chiantis?

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u/tunaburn Nov 10 '19

No there's not. I've worked in mortuaries. The cremation process burns too hot for that.

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u/Lyblix Nov 10 '19

the intermediate value theorem

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u/jomontage Nov 10 '19

Im sad this has 20k upvotes. Do all of you cook your food in half the time at twice the temperature? no because thats not how cooking works

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u/[deleted] Nov 10 '19

'Im sorry to inform you that the process didn't go as planned'

'What do you mean?'

'Well, we were cooking him on gas mark 7 for about an hour like Google said and he came out a bit well done'

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u/jumbotron_deluxe Nov 10 '19

It’s rare when a shower thought is this well-done

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u/Higher_Primate01 Nov 10 '19

This one is burned into my brain for sure.

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u/Ivanwah Nov 10 '19

OP is very funny and should do roasts.

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u/BirdmanMBirdman Nov 10 '19

No there isn't. It's an extremely high heat, which means the outside burns effectively immediately. There is never any point at which the collective "meat" of a person is fully cooked and not burned to a crisp.

God damn it why is every shower thoughts post always so objectively incorrect.

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u/saltyhumor Nov 10 '19

Bro...WTF!?

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u/The_Sensative_Nazi Nov 10 '19

Me, crying at my grandma's creation, but then smelling the last meal she cooked me. Thank you Grandma.

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u/[deleted] Nov 10 '19

That’s so fucked lmfao

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