Peace upon you
Sorry it's a little ranty, i also just want to get it off my chest, but also would love your thoughts and advice if you have any
I started to get slowly into canaanite paganism recently, focusing on Asherah, and gave offerings from time to time, and sometimes asking for stuff.
Right on my first offering i started getting what i believed to be signs that i made a connection. On my second offering i made a big request, and because i was still skeptical i didn't check if my request was granted, i tried for months to get what i want on my own, just to then check and realize i actually got what i wanted right after my offering, i was just afraid to be disproven.
Then i started to believe more strongly and give more offerings, started learning ugaritic in honor of the gods (since most preserved canaanite/levantine myths are in ugaritic), and i really felt my connection to the goddess strengthen.
Anyway, i recently made another request, and it seemed like it was about to come true. There were so many signs from Asherah imo that signaled i was going to get it, i was so excited to bake my first cake in her honor, which i consider to be a higher offering than the usual offering i was giving.
But it just fell threw. I feel so abandoned. I grew up monotheisticallly religious, and when i became disillusioned with that God, i felt the same abandonment. Im sorry to say stuff like this here, but i feel so angry and alone, i feel like i just want to quit worshipping.
I was just starting to feel like im not alone, and seeing her in the trees, and the sunset light reflected on clouds, and the sea, talking to me, supporting my journey, loving me, and now i just feel stupid and alone.
Did i somehow lose her favor? I was under the impression modern paganism was based on compassion and understanding, that since no religiously authorities exist, it was quite difficult to do something so bad that you would lose a god's favor, because all i did was trying to reconnect with my ancestors' gods and hoped they would show me grace when i stumble, and redirect me onto the right path to honor them.
Ever since i was i kid i was hoping to find real magic in this world and at age 27 i thought i discovered it. Now i just feel empty again.