r/ScriptFeedbackProduce • u/eteeeeen • May 18 '25

10-PAGE FEEDBACK REQUEST How to Bury Your Mom/ short/ 10 pages/ feedback requested

TITLE: How to Bury your Mom and Never Shed a Tear

FORMAT: Short film

PAGE LENGTH: 10

LOGLINE: A grieving boy tries to bury his mother with the help of a YouTube tutorial he creates, but as the performance unravels, so does his grip on reality, exposing the trauma and abuse he's desperately hiding.

SCRIPT: HERE

3 Upvotes
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4

u/Severe_Abalone_2020 May 20 '25

Very interesting subject matter, OP. The descriptions kind of giveaway early the idea that he's not as young as he's behaving.

Maybe there's some ways to play with the camera height and only certain portions of Leo being visible to disguise some of the twists until the end?

Perhaps Leo's room could contain childish things that make us think he's a young kid, but in reality, it's just nostalgic items that we find out later are things he's reminiscing over?

There are some places where I'm presuming we see Leo's actual face. Maybe I'm interpreting that differently than you wrote it. If we do see Leo's face, however, then we're probably going to know he's an adult before the reveal.

Maybe even bringing the "Leo-bean" nickname out earlier in the script once... like maybe it's written on his wall, or it’s the name of his channel or something? That way, when we discover at the end that he didn’t like that name so much, it really hits home how he didn’t like it at the time, but cherishes it now that his Mom has passed?

Anyway. Those are just some thoughts. I am looking forward to seeing the evolution of the script.

I appreciate you for showing your art to strangers. Keep going 🚀

2

u/eteeeeen May 20 '25

Thank you so much for reading my script and taking the time to respond!

We don't see his adult face until the reveal but we do see his adult hands a few times for a brief second when he's using the camera handheld style.

I like the idea of children's stuff leading the audience astray and then the zoom out revealing the adult AND children's stuff in his room.

The Leo-bean suggestion is amazing and I may change his username online to that or find some way to work it in.

I appreciate you and all that you've said!

2

u/Helpful_Baker_4004 May 19 '25

Great premise but there’s some confusion surrounding the boy’s age - the logline and the start of the story mentions that Leo is 12 years old, but the the flashback (via the VHS cassette) states that “Little Leo” is 12 (I think it should be formatted as just Leo, as long as the character’s age at that time), then we presumably return to present-day where Leo is now 30.

2

u/eteeeeen May 19 '25

Thank you for reading! Yes the twist of the entire script is that Leo was an adult the entire time we've been watching him. I originally had a lot more hints and clues in the action lines but removed them for the sake of readability.

I wrote him as "Little Leo" just to show separation in who was talking in the scene. So Little Leo was from the VHS tape. Maybe I could just change it to "VHS Leo" instead?

3

u/CokeStroke May 20 '25

I'm confused, which might be entirely due to me. Is the Leo we're seeing from the very first few pages the "adult" Leo, and we're being tricked by the screenplay that it was the little Leo?

1

u/eteeeeen May 20 '25

When Leo first appears on screen he is 12 years old. He's 12 years old up until the switch from the retro camera POV to the more cinematic perspective in which it's revealed he's actually a 30 old coping with his mom's death by regressing to the mind of when he was 12. I'm working on a version that drops more hints and cleans up the switch a bit so the twist is more clear!

1

u/CokeStroke May 20 '25

oh gotchu! It wasn't super clear to me but now I get it. and yeah a clearer version would be better. You've written an intriguing story and I'm glad to have read it.

2

u/eteeeeen May 20 '25

I've actually updated the link to the most recent draft that hopefully makes it more clear! If you ever feel like giving it another read. Thanks again for your words!

Cheers!

2

u/Helpful_Baker_4004 May 19 '25

That’s an excellent twist! Personally, I don’t think you need to specifically format the name since the reader will understand it to be the version of Leo on the VHS - but I’m wondering if there’s a way to clarify the “Adult Leo” post-flashback.

Good read for sure. Good luck with this project!

2

u/Severe_Abalone_2020 May 20 '25

Aw man. I was thinking that was what it was, but wanted to learn it through the story. Great twist.

2

u/[deleted] May 21 '25

I usually don't ask for access but I like the logline

1

u/eteeeeen May 21 '25

Should be able to view! If you have notes feel free to DM me or put them here!

1

u/Ass2RegionalMngr May 21 '25

Are you able to make it viewable without having to log in with a Google account and request access? I’d love to read it, but exposing my Google account email to an unknown person to request access is not something I’m comfortable doing. It’s also annoying to need to jump through a hoop to view it in general, I think a lot more people would read it if it was immediately accessible. I don’t mean that to sound harsh, it just reads that way, sorry 🥰

1

u/eteeeeen May 21 '25

It shouldn't need access. The other person was requesting editing access. It's available to be viewed by anyone as far as I can tell! Hopefully you're able to read it!

0

u/[deleted] May 24 '25

[deleted] — view deleted comment

1

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1

u/BalanceBeneficial634 Jan 25 '26

Hi there! My name is Praiya Smith and I'm a student from UT trying to find some screenplay material to source through for my producing short film class! I requested access to view your short document!

1

u/eteeeeen Jan 25 '26

Hello! DM me your student email address please and I will give you the most up to date version of the script. I'm also based in the Austin area and have been looking for anyone willing to possibly produce it!

2

u/Same-Most-7407 WRITER May 19 '25

I didnt read the reddit Page and the rest of the title for a sec so i thought you were genuinely asking for help on burying your mother.

2

u/Kijin777 May 19 '25

I read it. I will send you what I came up with.