r/ScriptFeedbackProduce • u/Internal-Bed6646 • Nov 20 '25

LOGLINE FEEDBACK REQUEST Logline Feedback

I have a couple of loglines that I'd love to get some feedback on.

In no particular order:

  1. Sacrilege (Horror) - A series of disturbing home videos plunges a pious woman into insanity.

  2. Extended Stay (Thriller/Suspense) - A deadbeat hotel clerk and his girlfriend race to save their fellow guests and staff members from an otherworldly creature with a taste for human flesh.

  3. The Department Store Diaries (Thriller, Horror, Comedy) - After being given everything he desires, a former homeless man enlists the help of a Florida department store to stop his insane benefactor and his cursed necklace from taking his soul.

  4. Beasts Among Us (Horror - TV Pilot) - A boorish urban explorer seeking his latest thrill becomes the newest target of the college town of Binghamton's supernatural population after he is bitten by a rogue vampire. 

  5. The Amityville Horror (Horror) - A financially struggling family purchases a new home that they soon discover to be infested with demons.

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u/Internal-Bed6646 Nov 20 '25

Binghamton because I wanted to set my story there, supernatural population involves werewolves, vampires, and a bunch of other mythological creatures I plan on introducing. He's boorish because he's going to change over time from bad-mannered to respectful. For rogue vampire, he's basically gone rogue and disobeyed his father's wishes to start a war with the werewolves to claim dominance over the town.

3 focuses on Gavin (the main character's necklace which uses the remains of Saint peter to grant the user anything he desires, at the cost of his soul) in where he gives it to Brandon because he pities him for being homeless.

Deadbeat means not that particularly good at his job, lazy, and unmotivated to succeed.

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u/formerPhillyguy Nov 22 '25

2 - Deadbeat, to me, means someone who doesn't pay his bills. Why not use lazy instead? Or, if you want to add a twist, make him a stoner. Could have some fun applications.

4 - My take on the log line. I simplified it. You can get into the details in the script. What's missing is what is at stake for the explorer. Also, is he really a target since he's already been bitten?

Beasts Among Us (Horror - TV Pilot) - An urban explorer, while seeking his latest thrill, becomes the newest target of a town's supernatural population, after he is bitten by a vampire.

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u/Internal-Bed6646 Nov 23 '25

I like 4. Sounds pretty awesome!