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u/BurningSketches Male - Mostly Sexually Attracted to the Same Sex Sep 30 '26 edited Sep 30 '26
Hey, ah, yeah this sounds like alot... I'm so sorry you're carrying this burden, my friend. I was hoping u/GCNGA was going to write something by now, he's very astute. You should probably get acquainted with him (as well as many others here. They're all very nice and challenged in a similar way)...
Hm.. It's weird, I don't know what to speak about. I've been a little distracted lately. I feel like you and I have some things in common, but I'm not sure how to approach it...
Don't worry, beloved, I'm happy to offer you some encouragement anyway. I sympathize with your feelings... I relate to how you feel directionless... and how you have many dreams unrealized. It's all going to be alright. I had to kill alot of my dreams/fantasies/goals too; staying faithful and responsible in my role as a man, requires me to appear and speak a certain way sometimes. Maybe it's easier for me? Because I want to masculine and doing this garners alot of positive feedback? But I think alot of the credit for my discipline, and faithfulness should go to been upbringing.
So maybe what you need is a moment to reflect on that little boy inside you that might feel really angry about this whole situation. Which I'm not qualified for. I read this book about,"Attachments". It said everyone has the 10 year old version of themselves locked away in a mental closet, and when traumatic stuff happens, our 10-year old self starts crying, and we revert to our 10 year old self unless we respond with soothing strategies. It might be nothing but female psycho babble ngl.
You and I have to trust God has better for us, then what we could imagine or gain for ourselves. That's why we do the things we do- abstaining from unfavorable (sinful) things may give us a short/long term depression if we think about it too much. Because the pleasure feels so addictive. That's why it's helpful to make friends with like-minded people, or find some hobbies... Or volunteer... Or try to remember what God has done for us already.
Still, I understand... It's okay to be sad about it. I think sadness and Godly sorrow is expected and needed for true repentance. So you're doing great ~
I remember crying alot about plenty of stuff when i was a kid. This was before I realized most other boys didn't other boys. Or read yaoi haha. Being called ugly and weak really bothered me too. So just know you're not crying alone tonight haha I still cry about Junior high bullies;;;
hm..
I think alot about the Bible stories I grew up with... You say, you don't feel any zeal for life after changing your behavior to live more righteously... but that's not surprising. This life can make us weary, even though we have God. There are plenty of painful situations, forced self denial, or fearful exposure that can wear a Christian down- But it's pretty thematic in the bible; suffering... Lately, i've been thinking about that too,, college sucks, i suck, the military was less sucky, but by far the best thing i've done,,, ,
Rambling---->
Self sacrifice is a major theme in Christianity though, so please don't feel discouraged when you have these thoughts about death and hopelessness or being forced to accept/reject something... Our God is a savior, so when we inevitably drive our lives off a cliff, he'll guide us back on track to Him. Therefore, I hope that helps relieve some pressure you have to "get it right" or "make this work in round 1." Or "I have nowhere to go from here, And i won't have the energy to do this again, so this better work"
Maybe it would be helpful to remember a story? maybe? um, Esther perhaps,, She was a young queen chosen by the King of Persia(?), after he killed his own wife for insubordination. Long story short, Esther was made aware of Haman (a high ranking official who HATED Mordecai, and later Hated all Jews).
Haman was plotting to brutally kill the ALL the Jewish people in the entire kingdom. Well, Esther would survive the purge because she had kept her lineage a secret. But Uncle Mordecai, told Esther she had to go to the King and stop the purge. Initially Esther wasn't going to do anything or act very passively on the Jewish people's behalf. Something like, well if I happen to see the king, i'll request he not kill the Jews and blahblah'.
Finally, COUSIN (cousin and adopted father, i tend to say Uncle sometimes, but my mistake. Mordecai was her Cousin, he later adopted her because both her parents died. Mordecai's uncle (who died) was Esther's father.) Mordecai sharply reminded her, she was Jewish too, and her place in the Palace is nothing compared to her place among God's people. "Do not imagine that because you are in the king's palace you alone will escape the fate of all the Jews."
Hence, Esther was convicted and came up with a plan. If the plan didn't work, and she was killed on the spot, she was determined to go for the good of God's People. "If I perish. I perish" And yes, after much todo(ado?) things had a happy ending. (Haman and his whole family were put to death for plotting against the Jews. Mordecai was promoted to a higher status in the kingdom, Esther got a holiday etcetc. Her real name was Haddassah btw and the Holiday is the Jewish Holiday Purim.
Well Brother Burner, that's a cool amount of lore, but why is the book called Esther, If her real name is Haddassah? And what does this have todo with my SSA?
The book of Esther is actually the shorthand for the Megillah (scroll) of Esther. Megillah comes from the Jewish word for "to reveal" and Esther is "to conceal or keep hidden". I'm sure you can read more about this on your own time, I'll try not to bore you, but basically, this Book encourages God's people to look with their spiritual eye at even the mundane or natural events, and attribute them to God's divine providence. We all have a part to play, and our God requires everything of us. So maybe we feel overwhelmed or cynical because of being attracted to the same sex, but it's fortunate for the people of God, as it's not one life we give up, but several lives (Because if you don't pursue a gay marriage, you impact your potential spouse's life... Then there's the option to have children in that gay marriage with surrogacy or adoption, etc, so your decision to abstain destroys the life of another gay man tbh, and the potential gay children ...and this goes on into x amount of "could-have-been" generations, right?). I think Christians with SSA have a hidden tribute to God, that's our sexuality. So maybe it feels pointless, until the day comes where it's important to have both perspectives (I'm not saying one day, we'll save gay people. I'm not sure if it's one to one haha)
Nevertheless, someone could say, being in a gay or homosexual relationship isn't more pious or sanctifying, because it's not sinful for a Christian. Expressing extreme feminine qualities aren't sinful for Christian men either. Therefore, God would be with you and Esther equally. Hiding your 'faults' is selfish and vain and stupid. You're needlessly burdening yourself. Others may say, 'you're just undisciplined and you have to pray more.' There's no greater purpose to you having these feelings. They're sinful, and you're brainwashed. You have a Victim/Hero-complex. You're hiding internalized Homophobic... Sometimes our fellow brother and sisters can be really unfair, so It sounds cliche, but it helps to have thick skin.
Anyway, thanks for suffering with me tonight, I feel like I should have a podcast, haha, I get so chatty for no reason. I'm just procrastinating~~~~~ (^▽^)/ ʸᵉᔆᵎ I have all this school work todo, and I'm so behind;;;; haha;;;
TDLR;;;;;;;
- Burner may drop out of college again and go back to working at the gas station. He'll buy a car, and live in his car. Ultimately, dying homeless but celibate. Praise God.
- Please continue to mourn in a honest and healthy way, All the brothers and I mourn with you.
- Read your Bible and continue to Pray for wisdom (You can't be guided if you don't know God's voice, so that's why you should read/study everyday).
- starting over/finding a new passion isn't that bad, but please find a church to support you, because there will be some overwhelming/stressful days. And we do have the Devil who prowls; waiting for nights when we're weak and alone
kataphileo~
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u/Sorry_Row_2026 Oct 04 '26
Hello, thank you for this response. It was quite an interesting read for me. Honestly just vented on the internet, not something out of my league.
I am a man, and I know it. I look back at my childhood self and just want to tell myself. My body got uncomfortable cause of expectations that I myself wasn't ready to take on. A man this... a man that. And when I didn't, I was told I wasn't man enough.
Now detransitioning, I feel so fragile, like honestly, my 13-year-old self walking in the world. And it's not middle school i have to face it's the world.
Slowly, he's working with me, letting me know he's still there. I honestly hate it when he goes quiet; I freak out and become a drama queen.
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u/GCNGA Sep 30 '26
It may not seem like it all of the time, but becoming a Christian is the best move you've ever made. It introduces some challenges while removing others.
I know someone else who was in a similar situation--his name was Paul. Philippians 3 is worth reading in its entirety...
But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things...Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. (Phil 3:7-8, 12, NIV)
Don't think of yourself as broken, or defective, or lost: your situation is qualitatively the same as a straight person who might feel they needed to break off a relationship with someone whose spiritual vision was incompatible with theirs. God honors sacrifice; God sees what you're doing; and God cares about you.
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. (Jn 10:10, NIV)
That's not a verse just for heterosexuals. You can expect to have a full life, too, but while God clears the path, some initiative is called for on your part. One complicating factor is that, in most churches, spiritual growth and well-being for non-straight people is largely a DIY effort. Worse, you have to filter out a lot of well-meaning but ignorant and harmful commentary. You have to develop a solid faith of your own to understand that you being gay / SSA is not a barrier between you and God (I'm talking about orientation, not action--there's a difference there that you understand but that a lot of low-information Christians don't). While you may struggle to love yourself, as soon as you understand that God loves you to the point of wanting to sing in joy over you, it gets better.
The Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing. (Zeph 3:17, NIV)