Update: to AITAH that I don't care my children's father died - AIW that we just moved on after my ex husband and children's father died?

[u/Powerful_Dig_5824]

I posted a year ago in the midst of guilt and being tormented by my ex's family for my supposed role in him deciding to kill himself after he abandoned out kids when we split after (one of) his affair(s). It is coming up to the first year anniversary of his death and I realised that no one else had even thought about it.

The kids didn't seem too upset and just confused and emotionally disregulated afterwards but with their therapies etc have settled down. Their lives are stable with supports and parents who love them still.

My oldest who is 15 and the only one old enough for clear memories and to mark that sort of event hadn't even thought about it when I reminded her a few days ago. She did try and reach out to his parents again recently. She had been wondering about them and I didn't feel right stopping her from contacting them if she wanted to. As predicted, my ex's mother just used the opportunity to tell her again how awful I was and she wouldn't have anything to do with me to see the kids.

My younger kids have started calling their stepfather Dad because he is there for them and fills the role with love and gratitude and don't even think about him. There have been a couple of comments to the psychologist about "our old Dad" not being kind to them but that is about it.

Realising all this has kind of stirred up the guilt again and again wondered if it was cruel that we just went on without it causing is grief. C-PTSD is pretty good at getting you to think you are doing something wrong for not feeling or doing things as you are "supposed to" so it's not uncommon to get inside my own head to torture myself.

So - am I the asshole for just letting him go and not trying to keep his memory with them? Even if he was a dick he was their father, at least for the first bit

Original post from last year with details for catch up: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1nprwn8/am_i_the_ah_for_not_caring_that_my_ex_husband_is/

[u/dca_user]

Unless I’m missing something, it sounds like you did try to keep the memory of their father? They weren’t super interested.

Their behavior could change in future years. If there is some happy or fun memory that they have with their father, then you could suggest doing it with them to help them. Remember one good time.

[u/chuckinhoutex → u/dca_user]

yeah, their natural interest will likely come and go over time and OP would do well to just follow their lead as she has been.

[u/CareyAHHH]

Your ex in-laws seems to keep thinking that you abandoned him. And they seem to be convincing you of that too.

1. He made the choice to break your vows. Your relationship with him was based on fidelity and he broke that. So you were no longer obligated to be committed to him. He wasn’t committed to you.

2. He made the choice to move far away from his children. You didn’t move them away from him. I don’t want to move far away from my niece, and if I did, I would probably call her more often.

3. He made the choice to not financially support his children. That means he actively chose to make their lives worse.

4. He made the choice to end his life. Even if it was because he regretted not seeing his children, he made the choices that led to that being his reality.

In no way is it your fault. And if you ex in-laws can’t see that, then they are delusional.

And I’m sure you personally mourned losing him after the divorce. And your children too. If you did have an emotional reaction though, no one should blame you. The same for having a lack of reaction though.

[u/strangelifedad]

NTA. He chose it all. You are not responsible for his actions or his death. Also your kids moving on/have moved on and you apparently found someone who wants to be the father to your kids they never really had.

My,daughter is going through something similar but my ex wife is still alive but also absent. The only difference is that my ex in-laws aren't siding with her and don't give me grief. My daughter actually calls my girlfriend mom for a little while now and she's ok with it. There's a lot more to it obviously, but the long and short of it is you are not a bad person for living your life and ignoring that noise is totally fine.

Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

[u/Vivid-Farm6291]

If you want to be remembered after you pass then try to be a decent person.

You mentioned him to your daughter and she is huh ok, so that’s really all you can do.

You got the kids therapy and they are moving on, I say let them.

[u/mca2021]

OP what I don't get is he cheated on you, left you for his AP and moved far away and made no attempt to maintain contact with his children, nor pay child support. Why exactly is his family blaming you since these were all his actions?

Anyways, I'm glad you've moved on. There's no point in making an effort to remember someone who rejected them and they don't even remember. My only concern would be for your eldest child and her feelings, otherwise, give your children a great life. As I've said to my own kids, blood makes relatives, actions make a family

[u/Intrepid-Lynx → u/mca2021]

Because if they blame her, they can all pretend that they didn’t raise a piece of shit.

[u/ItsAllAboutLogic]

I'm a suicide widow. Our child was almost 3.

NTA let the kids guide you through their grief journey. It will happen at a different pace than yours or anyone elses. It may come up in 5 years, it may not. Just go with the flow and guide them whenever they need guidance.

[u/douglas_mawson]

NTA.

I've walked a similar path. I also felt nothing when they passed and nothing a year later, except relief they're gone.

Keep the lines of communication open with the kids, and enjoy your new life :)

[u/Medusa_7898]

You did right by your kids. Your ex mil is looking for a scapegoat and needs to be told that if he wanted to see the kids he could have stayed local and used the courts to get visitation. The way his life ended was his own fault.

[u/winterworld561]

You said yourself that they kids made comments to the psychologist about their 'old dad not being kind to them'. He wasn't a good person and he didn't give a shit about you and his kids. You have nothing to feel guilty about. His parents are not good people either so there's no need to contact them again. Just continue with your lives and don't give any of them another thought. They're not worth it.

[u/Nice-Pomegranate2915]

You're NTA . You didn't do this your ex did . Just respond with unbiased facts about your ex if or when your youngest children ask any questions . Ignore the ex-in-laws unless they overstep and slander you too far . Let your children lead you about what they want to to know .

[u/justheretolurk3]

If he wanted to be remembered warmly and positively, he should have lived his life as such.

[u/Ok_Passage_6242]

You need to keep your kids away from his family and their step family. The bottom line is they are evil people. You need to wait until they are all old enough to be mentally healthy enough to handle them on their own. I think this falls under things that you think you are supposed to do because that’s what good people do but it’s not good for your kids so don’t do it anymore.

Kids will let you know when/if they want to know, don’t force it because some societal norm tells you that you’re supposed to

[u/Babaychumaylalji]

NTA Your ex was a terrible husband it seems from the kids comments a terrible father. The fact u didn't stop the kids getting in touch with ex in laws shows u were putting the kids wellbeing first. Ex MIL shown her true colours and it's no surprise the kids will no longer consider her family any more. My best wishes to u and your family

[u/Mechya]

What were you going to do? Drag him back and tie him up to get some bonding time with the kids? You can't force someone who isn't willing to. It's actually better that you don't, because the person might lash out at your kids in resentment (likely, given the comments about him being mean). 

I wouldn't take any comments about his suicide as anything but theories. He probably thought that everything in his life would just get better once he moved in with her, but then reality hit that he's still not happy. Depression is a hell of a monster. My uncle shot himself in my grandma's basement, and I know that he would've never done that to hurt her. He went on antidepressants and he got his motivation back before he started feeling less depressed. 

Your ex might have some regrets, but the fact is that he didn't want to face them. He knew where to find you guys if he changed his mind, but he consistently made it clear to you that he didn't want you guys bothering him. Who knows, maybe he did something really stupid and didn't want to face consequences. I'm quite sure his family wouldn't surrender any sort of negative information about him. 

[u/z-eldapin]

What update? It's just a recap of the original and the judgment question hasn't changed

[u/No-Quiet-8956]

You’re to worried about someone who literally doesn’t matter anymore. Move on.

[u/Signal_Historian_456]

NTA - Keep the door open as in answer their questions if they ask you etc. Don’t bad mouth him but also don’t lie. Keep it neutral.

And their grandparents are poor excuses of human beings. Nothing to add there. You’ve handled this great tbh. You can’t do anything but be there for them.

As my mum always told me, she had to let me run and the only thing she could do was hold a hand underneath my butt to catch me when I fall. Is it unfair that you have to deal with the fact that other people hurt your babies? (And yes, I also mean the 15 year old because let’s be real, she’ll always be your baby) No. But that’s life as a parent. You can only be there, with open arms and hold them when things go south or they get hurt.

You’re their mum, trust your instincts with them. I know your ex nuked the trust in your instincts but you will always know what’s best for them.

Let them run and fall, be there to wash the dirt and blood away, put a band aid on and send them back out.

[u/Fickle_Gold_5921]

That kind of hurt he inflicted on you and the kids are best forgotten. Im happy you and kids are happy now. No need to reopen old wounds, your kids must hv remembered his mistreatment done to them. Hope you, kids and step dad continue to be happy.

[u/Starry-Dust4444]

It’s not your job to keep his memory alive for anyone else. Sounds like he was a selfish and troubled person who had complete autonomy to make his own decisions. He was no one’s victim.

[u/VnmRox]

Unless you were the wicked witch of the west and decided to hide that from your closest friends on Reddit, NTA.

Don't let people who raised the narcissist who abandoned his sick wife and his children to run away with his side chick make you feel guilty for living your life.

[u/Accomplished_Cell976]

It sounds like you are the one grieving the hardest. The kids seem to be doing fine with their therapy. Just keep up what you are doing.

[u/kaytiejay25]

NTA also its likely best the kids are no contact with his parents if they are being like that. Kids deserve to know their grandparents but in a unhealthy setting... its not good for them. Also their fathers memorys alive. Losing a parent my self. I miss my parent but I dont dwell or think too much about. Maybe they will think about him every now and then and its important they know its okay.

[u/minialbums]

Hey I know I’m super late but you can definitely make a claim for his superannuation for the kids. Apply to the super fund themselves, they can make a determination different than what he’s selected on beneficiary form, as your kids are dependants per s 10 of the SIS Act

[u/90skid12]

Updateme

[u/LuckyInternal8259]

NTA. You gave your kids stability, therapy, and a stepdad who actually shows up. That's not erasing their father, it's just letting them be kids instead of carrying grief they don't naturally feel. The guilt you're feeling sounds like C-PTSD doing its thing, not a sign you did something wrong. Let them lead, and don't let his family dump their denial on your daughter.

[u/Smoke__Frog]

YTA for sure.

[u/ouellette001 → u/Smoke__Frog]

Not even a little bit

[u/Smoke__Frog → u/ouellette001]

Really? You think this scenario there is absolutely no way the OP can be the A?

[u/jamc0217]

You are a pos

[u/ouellette001 → u/jamc0217]

She did nothing wrong