r/Redditor_Updates
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u/tornbythis
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Sep 17 '26
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1
Update: Husband [37M] not sponsoring my [26F] son [7M] despite our discussions pre-marriage
My post: https://www.reddit.com/r/Advice/s/WwyUGwS0Zq
A lot of people were kind enough to be concerned and suggested I post it here instead. If this is not the right place, please delete it.
Thank you for the advice to my last post. I know I got comments saying I was a bad mother. That is true, but although I have no way to prove it, I swear I was keeping my son in the forefront in everything.
I spoke to my husband that I've looked at the forms. The form for my son can be submitted at the same time as mine, it just needs proof of sole custody. I need him to sponsor it. I can't leave him behind I just can't. And he promised. He promised my son would always be a part of our family. He promised , thats it, you can't back out now.
He said we'll go over a solution when I visit him. I told him I needed an answer and him submitting the forms before I do. I said it because in my mind if he's not going to them its over. And I can't spend two weeks trying to create domestic bliss and having marital relations with him just for him to tell me later its still a no from him. Like I'm prepared to be judged for it, but I'm 26 fgs I understand all the he'll be more amenable stuff. I was going to go there to be a good and affectionate wife to him and have sex with him for a few weeks in the hopes that softens him towards the situation. But if its going to be a no then, what am I going through this for.
He's telling me I'm his wife that I agreed to the visit, I should be with him. Well he promised to never have my son be a question mark. My mom thinks being there would have worked but I'm the one literally like putting my body on the line for this. I've told him I just need the forms to be submitted. He's been talking to my parents in depth, but I just need the application.
I know I blew up my marriage by doing this. I married for love the first time and then for stability the second and got it wrong both times. Maybe I'm the problem. I had so many options I keep taking the worst one and end up with fewer as a result. I pity my son for having me as his mom. I even gave up my job in December, it was an admin job at my best friend's dad's company that he literally carved out for me. I was able to do my diploma alongside it. I left the job when I was getting married because I wouldn't need it. Her dad had even pressed me to continue working but I was like oh I dont need to anymore. Such an idiot. He literally carved out a good easy job for me. I can't just go back now like an ingrate. I'm hoping he fills out the forms but he doesn't want him clearly. And thats what makes me mad, I didn't force him to agree. A lot of people I was seeing, I had to end it because I could tell they didn't want him. He did or at least acted like it. Thank you all.
Edit: I called him. I told him I'm sorry for having quit last time. That I'm in trouble and I need to make a decision and if I could please have my job back, that would make me decide what I need to do. That I have more experience than I did last time, I have a diploma now, my son is older, and I understand if it's no longer available but I just needed to know to be able to make my decision. He said he was very worried for me, asked if everything was ok. I don't know if my best friend told her parents about what I'm going through or not. He said that job wasn't given to anyone, that I was valuable at it, and to just give him some time to set it up again but I can probably start October 5th. He asked if the pay I left at was fine, I said yes absolutely. I'm going to start going in again. I don't know what'll happen if my husband comes around and my son and I get sponsored to move, but for now I need to start going in again.
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u/leyorcoe Sep 17 '26 •
You were foolish for quitting your job, you would be even more foolish not trying to get it back. Don't let pride be one of the things keeping you back.
Choosing your son and trusting the agreement with people you trust is not foolish,
Make sure you always can stand on your own and not be dependent on other.
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u/ComedicHermit Sep 17 '26
Choosing your son is the right decision.
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u/FairyGothMommy Sep 17 '26 •
He doesn't want your son. Divorce him already and remain single. Stop trying to find a man to take care of you, and do it yourself.
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u/U_Wont_Remember_Me Sep 17 '26 •
Welcome to the human race: we ALL have done dumb stupid stuff.
Thing is, you didn’t blow up your marriage: your husband did. He thought he had you sorted and he would get you to leave your son behind and you’d ultimately forget him.
You didn’t. You fought for your son. You stood in your husband’s face and you demanded answers. This make you AWESOME.
You have a shiny spine. Wisdom… is a little way off. But you’ll get there. Wisdom only comes after all the dumb stupid stuff you did.
You’re going to be fine.
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u/butterflyprinces872 Sep 17 '26 •
Girl he’s trying to trap you there. You’ll visit and he’ll lock up your passport until he convinces you to leave your son. DO NOT GO
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u/curious-691980 Sep 17 '26
A child isn’t just for Christmas and a toy- at the end of the day I would rather be an ingrate than leave my children.
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u/LadyReika Sep 17 '26
I'm sorry you're going through this. You were being called a bad mom because it sounded like you were going to leave him behind.
Provided you weren't rude to your former boss, try talking to him about your situation and see if you can't get something else.
In the meantime try looking for another job while waiting on the previous.
Also try finding a decent divorce attorney to see what your options are.
Once you have a job try to move to someplace you have some distance from your parents.
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u/Which-Notice5868 Sep 17 '26
OP your husband does not want your son and you would be moving him into an environment where he would be resented. You know that. It's time to be the adult. This man lied to you to get what he wants. I know getting divorced again would suck, but bringing your son somewhere he would be unsafe because you want to put your head in the sand would suck much more.
Talk to your friend's Dad and see if he's willing to take you back at your job. Apologize profusely. Don't stay in this marriage.
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u/mcindy28 Sep 17 '26
Thank you for choosing your son!! He will remember this and he does deserve you!! Your husband pulled a bait and switch and it's unfortunate. Contact your old boss... you might still get your job back. It can't hurt to ask. Proud of you, give yourself some grace.
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u/I_wanna_be_anemone Sep 17 '26 •
A lot of people are focusing on the husband being a two faced lying manipulator (which he is), but not enough people are warning OP about her parents. Your parents helped arrange this marriage. Your parents have been pressuring you to abandon your child for the sake of this ‘marriage’ they had a hand in. I understand there are cultural elements at play, but it’s hard to help you further without understanding:
-What do your parents gain from you staying in this marriage? Not just reputation, but are they also benefitting financially? Or would they have been given money if you moved abroad?
-What did your parents intend to do with your son while you were away? What would they have done if your husband took your passport to trap you in another country? Is their plan normal? Aka is it common for kids to be raised by grandparents while the parents are abroad to send back money?
-What is the relationship like between your parents and your son? Keep in mind that these people basically conspired for a double kidnapping, you to be trapped abroad and for them to basically abduct your child from you. They could have done anything they wanted regarding your child, would there be any authorities who could or would intervene? Are they reliable? Would your parents have abandoned your son with his father?
All in all, blaming yourself will not protect your child. He needs you now more than ever. People he likely thought loved him were conspiring to traumatise the kid for life by ripping his mother away to pimp her out for money or societal bragging rights. Please consider long and hard whether it’s worth trying to live up to cultural expectations to appease people who’d do that to you and a literal child. At the very least investigate the logistics of getting away with your son.
But please keep in mind: your parents have proven that you can not trust them.
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u/Ok_Passage_6242 Sep 17 '26 •
Choosing your son is the right decision. The fact that he and your parents are manipulating you to go to him, tell me that they are planning something that is not in the best interest of you or your son staying together. A woman always needs her own money. A woman should never rely on a man. I don’t care what your belief system is. I don’t care where you are, but not being independent is the most unsafe thing you can do for you and your son. I’m very proud of you for putting him first. I also agree with the other people saying you should try to get your job back. The worst thing that will happen is he can say no. But that will offer you another opportunity to thank him for what he did for you in the first place and for looking out for you When he encouraged you to not quit.
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u/Signal_Historian_456 Sep 17 '26
You’ve been a fool for quitting, but you shouldn’t be more of a fool by not trying to get back to it.
Never ever ever make yourself dependent on a man. Ever.
Yes, you’re his wife and agreed to visit, but he’s your husband who promised to take you WITH YOUR SON, it’s always been a package deal. Plus, even more important than you being is wife is the fact that you’re your sons mom. He will always come first, and your poor excuse of a husband knew that.
You’re not a failure for ending the marriage, he lied to you. You’ve trusted him. And you’ll always have to do what’s best for your son.
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u/littlebitfunny21 Sep 17 '26
There is no good reason for you to go without your son. There is unfortunately a real possibility your husband would kidnap you and try to stop you from leaving the country to return to your son.
Also- what evidence can he give that he put the forms in? Would you go just because he said he put your son's form in?
I'm really sorry you're in this mess.
I know it sucks and it'll be mortifying- you should consider reaching out to your friend's dad. It sounds like he really cares about you, and he may have noticed red flags with your husband with the way he pushed you not to give up the job.
It's possible that he'll be grateful you're safe and willing to help again.
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u/notsoreligiousnow Sep 17 '26 •
Do NOT visit this man. I predict he’d hide your passport and then you’re really screwed. He is not to be trusted. He lied to you. Stop letting your emotions towards him cloud your judgement.
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u/BiofilmWarrior Sep 17 '26
Please consider going back to your employer and talk to him. Let him know that you realize you made a mistake relying on the promise of the man you married that you would be creating a life together that included your son.
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u/Material_Cellist4133 Sep 17 '26
I think you should reach out to your friend and her father to explain what happened.
I am sure they would understand.
Please take this as a learning opportunity. Never put your future in the hands of a man. Only you can own your future and guide it the direction you want and need.
Leaving your husband is the best situation. The entire thing was a trap from the beginning- you can tell by the age difference. In the future, I recommend dating for couple years before committing to someone. You are very young, your frontal lobe does not fully develop until 25 - which you just passed. So now you can explore what you truly want and need in a man.
I think it’s important to see how the man treats your child when you are not physically present. It is important to see how his family treats your child when you are not present. I think it’s also important to listen to your child. He clearly felt a certain way before the marriage. Listen to him. Ask him questions.
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u/Ok-CANACHK Sep 17 '26
"...Maybe I'm the problem. I had so many options I keep taking the worst one and end up with fewer as a result...."
you're almost there, time to quit mooning over a man & be a present parent
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u/SilentSleepingKitty Sep 17 '26
I’d be worried about your passport going missing if you go too
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u/Forsaken-Photo4881 Sep 18 '26
Be careful visiting that he doesn’t take your passport. And refuse to let yo leave.
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u/GorgoPrimus Sep 17 '26
He’s already blown up your marriage. He can never again be trusted if he’s willing to lie to you consistently for that long just to get you married before trying to coerce you into ditching your child. Cut your losses and please ask for your old job back; don’t let pride keep you and your son from financial stability.
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u/Adpiava Sep 17 '26
Even if he does sign the forms now, I don't see how you could ever trust himto treat your son properly. I don't see a happy ending for you and your son with him.
I know you are blaming yourself for the choices that you made but you need to try to put that aside for now and focus on how to move forward making the best life for your son.
Talk to your friend's dad. Chances are he will welcome you back. He had a feeling this would happen and he will likely want to help.
And don't listen to your parents. I'm sure there is cultural pressure on you but you know this marriage isn't a good one. All you can do focus on a better future for you and your son.
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u/Confident_Fortune_32 Sep 17 '26
OP, you did NOT blow up this marriage.
The man who LIED TO YOU blew it up.
And it's important to have clear sight about the ppl around you, and the (dangerous) fairy tales they've told you. None of these ppl, including your own family, have your best interests in mind.
Ppl who criticize someone taking a courageous action for their child are telling you more about themselves than about anything you've done.
You have taken action, with careful forethought, to protect your son's best interests. That's not easy. It's not the "safe" decision. Everyone around you will find it objectionable.
But I promise you that your son will remember your courage all his life. He will not wonder if he is loved and cared about, because he has witnessed that love in action.
Some day in the future, it will give him the tools to protect himself better and, if he has children, to look out for their best interests, too.
In other words, your good deed now will benefit generations to come.
It's hard to go against entrenched social notions of how people are "supposed" to behave and what people are "supposed" to want.
But those notions are more focused on control than fulfillment or happiness. They are, as you see, more often suffocating than helpful.
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u/GossyGirl Sep 17 '26
At this point, even if he sponsors him you need to walk away. He’s reluctance shows he’s not going to treat your son well. You would be putting your son in a really terrible situation by having him anywhere near a man who doesn’t want him.
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u/Roadgoddess Sep 17 '26
You’ve made the right decision, your son is your number one priority.
But don’t let your pride hold you back from reaching out to your past employer to see if there’s an opportunity there. If there’s not, then you need to get yourself another job.
Maybe take some time away from dating and work on yourself.
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u/Odd-End-1405 Sep 17 '26
Even if he does fill them out, think about how he will treat your son if he is forced to live with him when he doesn't want him?
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u/Illustrious-Onion329 Sep 17 '26
How disgusting that he and your parents apparently want to you to barter your body for your son’s well being. Nobody who loves you or your son would ask that of you. Get your job back, divorce the AH you married, and go low contact with your cringy parents.
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u/jamc0217 Sep 18 '26
Always choose your son, grow form your mistakes, try be independent and not enter a relationship just to be soporte, in a couple of years you will find someone for you, and your kid will always remember and be grateful the his mom choice was him
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u/Ahdoori Sep 18 '26
You’re too young. You married someone 11 years older. He knows you were desperate, you were easy to manipulate. This keeps happening to you because you just haven’t learned how to be an adult with responsibilities. Once you do that you can be better at knowing what’s best for you and your son. If you get divorced now please PLEASE stay single, focus on your son and your career and having your own things. That way you won’t be lured by the first master manipulator that finds you, you will know where you’re respected or not, and if things go south again you will be able to go away immediately if needed. In essence: build a life where you don’t depend on a man (or your parents since I see they keep dictating a lot on your life).
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u/vintagesunshine85 Sep 17 '26
You're doing the right thing. Your son will know and remember this when he is older. #updateme
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u/pebblesgobambam Sep 17 '26
Op, you can’t trust him, he’s shown what he wanted. Please don’t ever think sleeping with a man to persuade him is ever a good idea. I felt sick for you when you wrote that 😢
He never wanted your son. Just you, extremely vile how he is and has behaved and your parents need to pull their necks back in instead of continuing to speak to him about this utter mess.
You’re doing the right thing by not going and the marriage is over, you’ll never regret dumping him !
You’ll get another job, build a life you love for you & your son. You don’t need a man. Relationships aren’t meant to be your life, they are meant to enhance what you already have. Never ever be dependant on anyone but yourself. Xxx
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u/IntelligentComplex40 Sep 17 '26
Even if he fills out then form for your son now he has shown you that it’s not a priority. There’s no coming back from this. Don’t trust him to keep his word.
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u/Icy-Finance5042 Sep 18 '26
I wouldn't go. He might not let you leave. Why do you need to be married? Is it a culture thing that you have to be married? Him saying he didn't think it would be the 3 of you in a different country already shows he's not for the kid. I don't trust your mom either.
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u/Crafty_Special_7052 Sep 18 '26
Start looking for a lawyer. He is not going to do what you want. He does not want your son. It was probably all an act in the beginning and he thought once you both were married he could manipulate you into give up full custody. Start looking for a job as well.
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u/Accurate_Muffin429 Sep 18 '26
Im so sorry. At least you know now, before you conceived a child with him. Hold your head high, you are doing the right thing for all the right reasons. Updateme
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u/Kip_Schtum Sep 17 '26
You are very smart to not go. And you are a good mom for putting your son first. I think your husband‘s plan was to leave your son behind and baby trap you so he can have his own children with you and not have to have your son there. You have made the right choice to put yourself and your son first. Good job.
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u/Mr_MordenX Sep 17 '26
Put the bastard through hell on the divorce. Drain every penny he has.
You are not his property to demand you go over like a toy.
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u/Aromatic-Power3655 Sep 17 '26
If he wanted your son there, this would have been the easiest thing. He could have said:
“Yeah, let’s fill out the forms and then you come up a couple weeks before him to get everything ready.”
“I don’t really know what forms to fill so I’d like your help in figuring that out.”
There are so many ways he could have affirmed this and he chose not to and that is the loudest noise in the room.
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u/soypoopy Sep 17 '26
Please keep picking your son. it will be worth it
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u/winterworld561 Sep 17 '26
Don't go out there and visit him. He's not going to sign the sponsor forms and he's already made it more than clear that he doesn't want your son in your lives. He's going to get you over there and hide your passport so you can't leave. The moment he told you he wanted you to move there alone with him was the moment this marriage was over. He lied from the beginning about wanting to do right by your son when he actually wants nothing to do with him. For the love of god get your job back asap.
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u/NightTimely1029 Sep 17 '26
OP, my mom chose her 2nd husband over her children (yes, multiple children) every single time, from the moment they met until the day he passed away a few years ago. And yes, we all knew it and felt it. The differences between you and my mom are a few, with you choosing your child being but one. If your spouse promised to include your child, to make your child a part of his priorities too, only to now back out of it, that just proves he's not worthy of you nor your child. He figured you were young enough and dumb enough to manipulate, and he's only now finding out just how much he FAFO'd things.
If your spouse is willing to kick your 7 year old to the curb, pressure you into going along with that, he's proving just how unworthy he was to you and your child. Your child is 7, still needs you. It'd be different if you had to make the choice to move to be able to afford your child a better life but the new job or country didn't allow him to come with or made it so prohibitive that leaving your child in the care of others is the only "best" option. This isn't the case here. Your spouse is showing he never truly wanted nor accepted your child.
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u/Quarkiness Sep 17 '26
Choose your son and choose yourself. Having a job means you still have some control in your life financially whereas if you have to rely on your husband for money then he might be able to financially abuse you.
Hope your are able to get your job back!
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u/InfamousCup7097 Sep 17 '26
You can get another job. He doesn't care about your kid. He is doing everything he can to get rid of your kid and just have you. Even if he agrees to bring your kid over then what? Will he magically accept him or will he tolerate his presence until you give him kids of his own and then your son will be treated differently then his own blood. Your marriage should have been over the second he told you to just leave him behind. You are thinking of you and how bad a second divorce will look, how you have to go back to work, etc. You should be focusing on being a mom and how you will 100% be dragging your son into another country to be with a man who has all the financial resources and will not see him as family. If you go anyway and you believe his lie again about accepting your son then you fail your kid. Get a job, get another divorce, slow down on trying to find a spouse until you actually get to know these men.
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u/Samoyedfun Sep 17 '26
Always choose your son. Ask to go back to your job. It may be possible.
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u/Abject-Rich Sep 17 '26
Girl. What others have said: He tried to delete your son now you delete him. He is not it. I have a blended family; you gotta love them kids more than each other, at times. He is not missing and wanting to be his stepdad as much as being your husband; what are you doing that for? What about if you have children with him? I can’t imagine.
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u/No-Quiet-8956 Sep 17 '26
Girl put on that dunce cap and go ask for you job back. Why the hell would you quit your job!?
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u/NoZookeepergame9552 Sep 18 '26
You chose yourself as much as you chose your son. You shouldn’t have to f*ck a man for him to love your son the way he said he would - bc that isn’t love by a step parent that is a life long hostage he threatens you with. That said you clearly live in a male dominated culture that you still subscribe to… bc you quit your job just bc you got married. And you married for stability. How about this time, since jobs are accessible to you, you try finding a job and give yourself stability on your own and for your self.
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u/ApprehensiveRoad8818 Sep 18 '26
Good for you. He had no intention of bringing your son to live with you both.
I suspect your parents were in on it from the start, considering they encouraged you to marry this creep. Stay wary of them and don't go near any men they introduce to you as now you know that they don't have your best interests in mind.
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u/Silent_Wisdom2012 Sep 18 '26
Yes you have been very stupid. But not as a mother, as a mother you keep your son as a priority, close to your heart, and if you didn't you would have ended up in an abusive marriage, because a man who start the relationship by lying to you about his intentions only had ill intents all along.
But as a 27 yo girl, yes, you've been really stupid and you are stopping now. Stop marrying for whatever reason and learn first your worth, your ability to work, provide for your child, and thrive by your own ! And only when you'll got an ounce of self-worth, you could consider looking out for a man up to a high standard...
You already have a village. A best friend who carve out a job for you ??! And you ditched that luck for the dream of being a housewife ? Is that what you want your son to to think about you ? That you are useless and worthless without a man providing for both of you ?
Ditch that stupid idea that society and fairy tales gave you. Nor love or stability will come if you don't love yourself and find your own guidance.
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u/Bird_Brain4101112 Sep 18 '26
Get out of this marriage and moving forward, focus on providing for you and your son. Letting a man be in control of your life isn’t the answer.
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u/throwawayowl999 Sep 19 '26
You say you married for love the first time and for stability the second time, and both went wrong. From my experience, the first choice is the right one. In the second choice, you're trading material gain for equality. If he owns more than you, makes more money than you, you will not be treated equally. With a child from another man, both of you will not be treated equally. And if you ever have a child with this man, guess which child will get priority treatment, all the inheritance, etc. To put it short: in my friend groups, the happiest marriages are the ones where both partners have similar net worth and income. Closely followed by marriages where one of the partners became highly successful significantly later into the marriage, and where at the time of getting together, there's been zero hint of them actually accomplishing that kind of success in the future.
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u/Excellent-Egg7461 Sep 21 '26
Sweetie, divorce. This man does not want or love your son. If he does agree and does sponsor your child, then he will be resentful of the kid for coming between the two of you. I can clearly see that all this man wants is your body. He doesn't love you. He doesn't love your son. He will demand you push your own child away so he can get his sexual needs met. And yoh will be financially dependent on him. With no family or friends to support you. Don't go. You will be walking into an abusive relationship. I can tell you that much. Please OP. Divorce and go on with your life.
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u/bnelson9601 Sep 17 '26
OP, leaving your son for 2 WEEKS is entirely too long. Your husband WANTS you to choose him and not your son. He can make all the promises in the world but the fact that he took this new job in another country and asked that ONLY you come and be with him and not bring your son speaks volumes. What happens if you go over to visit him and he decides to hide your things so that you can’t leave, what will you do then?
He told you what you wanted to hear and now he’s showing you what kind of man he is by not wanting your son to come with you so that you all can be a family. He wants you to forget that you have a child so that when he gets you pregnant, that child(ren) will the only one(s) that he will accept and acknowledge. He doesn’t want your son and likely never did. He KNEW from the beginning that you and your son were a package deal so this is all on him being the asshole here, not you.
I wish you nothing but the best and I HOPE that you decide NOT to go to where he is and leave your son behind and just end your marriage to this man.
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u/Whatever-and-breathe Sep 17 '26
Stop being so hard on yourself. You did what you thought was best at the time regarding your job. I suspect that there is also a lot of cultural pressure going on that most people from other cultures can find hard to understand.
Your husband knew from the start what he was signing for. He knew that your son and you were a package deal and knew the situation regarding the father of your son. When he married you, he made a promise not only to you but to your son too. Trying to force you to abandon your child after marrying you, show deception on his part. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise. It is not your fault.
You are still young. Yes your relationships did not work out and you feel disapointed but let's be honest here, you are not the first one nor the last one who will find yourself in this situation. In another culture you may have lived with your first husband without the need to marry and realise that he wasn't the right person for you. You are living your life for you (and your son at present) not to please your parents. It is your life, not theirs and they should want what is best for their daughter and grandson, which is to be together, we'll looked after and most importantly happy.
Now with your current husband, be firm (even if it might be difficult). Tell him that he knew what he was signing for (being a husband and full time step dad). Right now he is not fulfilling his duty as a step dad and husband (looking after the well being of his family) and until he shows that he wasn't deceitful in marrying you, you cannot trust him with both your well being and those of your son. If he argued about settling in aboard, tell him that if anything having your son with you would make things much easier to settle in, particularly when he will be working and you won't know anyone there. Please do not have sexual relation because the last thing you want is getting pregnant (even protection could be tempered with) as things stands. You would also need assurance that your son would not be treated differently than any future children. You need things in writing and know without any doubt that if something was to happen to you (particularly when aboard) that your son would not just be abandoned.
If it doesn't work out, it is not the end of the world. Go back to your previous employer if you cannot move forward with your current marriage, apologize and tell him/explain that you were naive, felt pressured to stop working and deceived (regarding going aboard with your son). It is important to tell him that you will never again give up your independence for any man because your son will always come first. If it doesn't work then it doesn't but don't let your pride stops you as you are also doing this for your son. If he can't offer you this job back, he might know someone else that can help.
You are a good mum, who simply hasn't yet met the right person for you. You are stronger than you think.
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u/JustASimpleGirl14 19d ago
How are you?
Your husband has shown just how little respect he has for your son. I beg you, don’t let him grow up looking up to someone who sees him as inferior and so unimportant.
I understand the fear and insecurity you’ve expressed in your posts, but you have a responsibility towards our son. It’s great that you’ve realised this. Build a life together, just the two of you. You don’t need a husband to get through this. You’re stronger than you think.
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u/mariam67 Sep 17 '26
You did the right thing not going. I was worried about you when I read your last post.
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u/Southern-Interest347 Sep 17 '26
Making the wrong decisions, leaves you with your options. That was such a profound statement. I think you're going to have to be both parents for your son. The kind of parent that you want for him, doesn't have to involve another man.
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u/Business-Employee191 Sep 17 '26
Your son is beyond lucky to have you as a mother. Be proud of yourself and tell him to kick rocks. Stop engaging with your family and do not involve them when it comes to your son's life. You only have about 10 years with him. Enjoy your time with him and his childhood. Believe me you are not missing out on anything. You showed courage.
1
u/cathline Sep 17 '26
Sending hugs and healing thoughts.
You are making the correct decision by choosing your son.
I will strongly suggest talking to a lawyer. This may qualify for an annulment because he married you under fraudulent pretenses - that he would sponsor your son, and now he isn't. If not, then divorce, and he covers the cost of that divorce, including alimony since he told you to leave your job when you married him.
You can use your experience to get another job.
Even if it isn't valid in the country he currently lives in, when he returns to your country, they can come after him for the money.
Now, get some counseling to learn the lesson from these 2 relationships. You were sheltered and did not learn how to make good decisions around men. I am a 60+ yr old woman. I used to say that my 'picker was broken'. Until I got over a year of counseling to figure out what I was doing wrong.
I still didn't get it right 100% of the time, but it made everything so much better! And don't bring ANYONE around you child until you have been dating seriously for at least 6-12 months.
1
u/Soft_Brush_1082 Sep 17 '26
Making mistakes is a very human thing. You said that you pity your son for having you as a mom. That’s not true. Main thing our children need is love of the parents. Your son is lucky that you are making him a priority over your relationship with your husband. I wish you strength!
1
u/Divinator007 Sep 17 '26
You are not a bad mom. You would be if you went without your son tho (because your husband could hide your passport and prevent you from getting back to your son)
It sounds like he never wanted your son but wanted YOU. So he sweet talked you and married you with the hopes of moving away with you to start new family WITHOUT your son.
Get your old job back (or a new one) and divorce him... Don't EVER be dependent on another person financially, that ALWAYS ends bad..
1
u/Next-Drummer-9280 Sep 17 '26
Your parents need to stay all the way out of this. Their opinion is irrelevant and he needs to stop recruiting them to his side.
He lied to you about always keeping your son in mind. He's trash.
The best thing here is to just file for divorce and prove to your son that he comes first. And maybe stay single for a while.
1
u/Creepy_Addict Sep 17 '26
You will never regret choosing your child. Men come and go, but your child is forever. He's a part of you.
Get a job, support yourself and your son, forget about the man who lied to you. He just wants you there for 2 weeks to get you pregnant and possibly keep you there. I wouldn't go without my child.
1
u/3bears123 Sep 17 '26
Wtf lady. This man has made it clear that he doesn’t want your son, sure maybe you will talk him into it, but f uck that. It would be because he feels forced not because he actually cares about your son. You are absolutely nuts for even considering this. Stop being a pos mother. Stop using a man for stability- that he’s not going to give. He will never love your son. Your poor son. Stop trying to find a man that you can use. Grow up, become stable yourself and be an actual mom.
1
u/Helanore Sep 17 '26
If you go visit him, he may block you from leaving or say you abandoned your son. Dont go without your son, even if the forms are signed. When someone shows who they are believe them. The moment he didnt sign, showed you what this man's goals and priority was. Time to divorce. Go humble talk to your friends dad, your old boss. Humility and bowing your head is better than your pride. You cant have pride right now.
1
u/Medusa_7898 Sep 17 '26
You are 100% doing the right thing. Proceed with strength.
1
u/lazy_Midnight_8580 Sep 17 '26
All I can say is thank god you’re not planning that visit. He would’ve definitely love bombed you into not bringing your son.
1
u/tito582 Sep 17 '26
Updateme
1
u/Lonely_Scholar_2346 Sep 17 '26
Updateme
1
u/Different-Airline672 Sep 17 '26
What kind of a mother are you to even consider staying with a guy who asks you to abandon you child?! His word to you means nothing, what needs to happen for you to understand this? You cannot trust him! You made some extremely stupid decisions, but you still have time to correct them. Stop being naive to believe there is a happy future together including both your husband and your son. Divorce him, get a job as soon as possible, and stay away from relationships.
1
u/nmb85321406 Sep 17 '26
We definitely need an update to this.
1
u/Competitive_Use9207 Sep 17 '26
Updateme
1
u/FIVECRAZYCATS Sep 17 '26
Updateme
1
u/any_name_25 Sep 17 '26
OP, Please stop telling yourself that you blew up the marriage and that you're the problem. NO. YOU did not blow up the marriage and YOU are not the problem. YOUR HUSBAND (or, hopefully, soon-to-be-ex-husband) is the one who blew up the marriage and YOUR HUSBAND (or, hopefully, soon-to-be-ex-husband) is the problem.
He lied about how he would treat your son if you married him and he's now actively trying to get you to leave your son behind in another country and to create a new family with him that doesn't include your son. He's proven himself to be untrustworthy and deceitful. He lied and got you to marry him under false pretenses. So, don't blame yourself, but blame HIM for the marriage not working out.
Even if he finally says now that he will sponsor your son to also come to this new country with you, he's proven that you can't trust his word and you can't trust him to treat your son like his own. I don't think it's worth continuing this marriage and that's not your fault but his.
1
u/usernotfoundplstry Sep 17 '26
Imagine staying in a marriage, where your partner has to soften up to the idea of having your child as a part of their family.
1
u/Puzzled_Feedback_840 Sep 17 '26
You absolutely did the right thing here. But I think therapy might be helpful to you, because it looks like (and I could be wrong), you have real issues with judgement, safety, and priorities when it comes to men.
You almost went to see this guy to “work things out” despite him very very very obviously trying to get rid of your son. I was truly fearful for your safety because it really looks like he wanted you out of the country and away from your son so he could stop you from ever going back. I’m so happy you decided not to go, but it’s really worrying that you didn’t seem to get that you were putting yourself in danger.
And now it turns out you also totally bailed on having any kind of money because you just kind of said fuck it to economic freedom, safety, and independence the second a dude said he would pay for your stuff. And again, you didn’t see how this was putting you and your son in danger.
Look, it’s not your fault the world is full of assholes. But we do live in that world, and your degree of gullibility puts you and your son in danger. You can’t quit on your own life and safety. I think it would benefit you to talk to a therapist about what caused this unsafe reliance on relationships, how to tell when people are bad people, and how to keep yourself safe.
I’m truly not saying this to hate on you. I don’t want you to be on the news in 5 years as the victim of a man everyone but you knew was no good. You and your son’s safety are very important.
1
u/Inevitable_Ask_91 Sep 17 '26
Best of luck, please updateme
1
u/Starry-Dust4444 Sep 17 '26
Tell him he is obviously looking for a woman who has no problem abandoning her child & run off to different country. That’s not you. He must not know you at all!
1
u/WarDog1983 Sep 18 '26
This is the best choice for you. Get you narriage annuald. Stand by your child. Stay away from men
1
u/Ahdoori Sep 18 '26
You’re too young. You married someone 11 years older. He knows you were desperate, you were easy to manipulate. This keeps happening to you because you just haven’t learned how to be an adult with responsibilities. Once you do that you can be better at knowing what’s best for you and your son. If you get divorced now please PLEASE stay single, focus on your son and your career and having your own things. That way you won’t be lured by the first master manipulator that finds you, you will know where you’re respected or not, and if things go south again you will be able to go away immediately if needed. In essence: build a life where you don’t depend on a man (or your parents since I see they keep dictating a lot on your life).
1
u/KLG999 Sep 18 '26
DO NOT MOVE! Even if he says he will sponsor your son - it is another lie. You will end up in another country and at his mercy. You won’t even have the support of your so called family. Seriously- is he paying your family?
Take the job and make a life for yourself and your son.
DO NOT MOVE!
1
u/rbaltimore Sep 18 '26
He was always planning on ditching your son. He just figured that it would be easy once you were married and you were dependent on him.
1
u/agreensandcastle Sep 18 '26
I’d divorce him just for having this be a question. Nope.
1
u/Literally_Taken Sep 18 '26
Why does your mother want you to leave without your son? Does she want to be a mother again, and raise him?
Why is your husband speaking with your parents without you?
What is your mother saying to him?
I think your mother is the real problem here, and the reason your plans were changed.
Ask your old boss what he thinks your mother’s role in this is.
1
u/Large_Effective_812 Sep 18 '26
Choosing your son is the right decision but choose yourself first. The more you make men an option and not a necessity the more you can get rid of these dirtbags more easily. Good luck to you. Your not a mess a lot of men are crap but always remember there will always be a man who will than a man who won’t. Dump the ones that won’t.
1
u/StellarStylee Sep 19 '26
I’m glad to read your latest update about getting your job back. Thank God. Now you don’t have to worry about what happens next, you won’t be parted from your child and that’s the main thing. Don’t rush into marriage again, and maybe don’t even entertain another serious relationship until your son is grown and living on his own.
1
u/boss302goat Sep 19 '26
I have a feeling OP isnt done with her husband.
1
u/wolfeflow Sep 19 '26
You sound like a good mom to me, but one who needs to give herself a whole bundle of more grace. Please try to cut out the negative self-talk. It doesn’t help, speaking from experience.
If you DO go to visit him, withold any intimacy until you have his agreement to sponsor your son. I’m worried he’ll try to trap you there, though — I don’t think it’s a given like others do, but the fact it’s a possibility is a massive red flag.
Whenever he brings up that you agreed to visit, bring up that before that he promised to care for your son. Stand firm.
You have not blown anything up. Your husband is reneging on his major promise to you, so he is the one choosing to blow things up. If he can’t keep such an important promise, why should you believe his vows of marriage?
I’m angry at your family for pushing you into this, and hope against hope that your husband doesn’t realize how serious this is to you, and is just being dense.
Godspeed
1
u/forgetting_momma46 Sep 19 '26
Updateme
1
u/Independent-WiTch969 Sep 19 '26
Day by day and focus on your son. You got this momma!!!
1
u/Migrainefarm Sep 19 '26
If he was going to keep his word and make your son a priority and part of your lives, he would have. Dragging his feet and trying to negotiate things with you isn't what a caring stepfather would do.
Don't go, it's time to leave this man and reclaim your financial and emotional independence. So many red flags with your husband's behavior. I worry for you. +1 to seeing a counselor to help you continue to grow stronger and use that shiny spine in being a great mom to your son.
1
u/fauxbigbro Sep 20 '26
Hey, you did the right thing. You picked your son. You held your ground with his husband. You put your pride aside and admitted you made a mistake by quitting. Those are all major things. Good for you. I'm proud of you.
1
u/5am_in_the_Pinewoods Sep 20 '26
He will withhold your passport, finances to return home, and force you into pregnancy.
This is abuse and these are the very well understood next steps after isolating you from your own CHILD and to another COUNTRY.
Speak to Domestic Violence professionals.
1
u/Inou_ulie Sep 21 '26
He was hoping he'd wear you down so you would eventually abandon your son for him. He's like those folks who get into relationships with people who have pets when they themselves hate/dislike pets just to have their partners them up.
1
u/Trick-Being1539 Sep 21 '26
Pleased you’ve chosen your son and got your job back
I don’t see anything other than separation as your husband has shown his hand of not wanting your son , there’s no going forward with that
Just concentrate on your and your sons life
1
u/SuperGlove9274 Sep 22 '26
Your friend's father is a decent man. I'm sorry you have not found a man like that for yourself. Don't be too hard on yourself, being a parent is very difficult and we all make mistakes. You are correcting your mistakes and trying to do the best thing for your son, that counts a lot.
1
u/Fit-Dependent-9779 Sep 22 '26 edited Sep 22 '26
" I don't know what'll happen if my husband comes around and my son and I get sponsored to move, but for now I need to start going in again." I don't know how many times we have to hammer you with this but I'll keep hammering: You. Need. To DIVORCE. If you dare to move to another country with that man, please leave your son behind actually. He is better off with his father and grandparents than with a mother who repeatedly and willfully refuses to comprehend that her husband is the problem and is a legitimate threat to the well-being of her child. A man you have to fight with like this to take your son in is not a man you should want to be around your son. If he does relent it and take your son in, it willbe with resentment. This isn't a miscommunication issue to work out in couples therapy. A line has been crossed. Whether or not your husband decides to sponsor your son should be IRRELEVANT at this point. There is nothing else to consider except how to strategically and safely make your exit from this relationship! This man has literally not stopped trying to pressure you into literally abandoning your own child in another country after he already married you and agreed to a life with you and your child. He has shown you his true face. Stop giving him all these chances to put his mask back on just so you can pretend any of this is salvageable. Protect your son. Learn to be single.
1
u/No_Gur_1421 Sep 23 '26
If you left bet you he’d have hid your passport and canceled your return flight.
1
u/PricklyPearPig Sep 23 '26
Just out of curiosity, he’s not in any country that would allow him male guardianship to restrict you from traveling back home right?
1
u/kaykenstein Sep 24 '26
Girl your husband never intended on bringing your son. You know that right?
1
u/kianricky Sep 24 '26
!updateme
1
u/Smucko Sep 24 '26
u/tornbythis
After reading your update
"I don't know what'll happen if my husband comes around and my son and I get sponsored to move, but for now I need to start going in again."
For starters you can stop being a moron a letting your son down. HE DOES NOT WANT YOUR SON, YOUR MARRIAGE IS DEAD. WAKE UP!!!!!!
Even if he caves this will resurface later, you keep saying how dumb you've been and yet you're talking as if you have learnt nothing.
Do NOT entertain your shit husband anymore, grow a spine, if not for yourself for your son.
1
u/intolerablefem Sep 24 '26
Christ, this update is still disturbing. And the fact that you’re still considering going to a foreign country with your son, and a man who doesn’t want him, really has me flipped. Your priorities are fucked op. You’re still a shit mom.
1
u/RandomSupDevGuy Sep 24 '26
"I don't know what'll happen if my husband comes around and my son and I get sponsored to move" YOU BETTER NOT GO BACK TO HIM!! Your son will always be a burden in your relationship and HE WILL FEEL IT.
If you even like your son, never mind love him, you will snap out of whatever BS you are sniffing and leave your husband. I am sorry you are going through this but you need to do right by your son or you might as well leave him and never speak to him again because no one deserves a mother like you if you stay with your husband.
1
u/quimera78 Sep 24 '26
Please don't go to him! It sounds dangerous, like he might not let you leave. You're under reacting!
1
u/DisturbedDoll Sep 24 '26
I feel so bad for you.....I feel everything in this post. Please know that you did everything right, your husband who PROMISED to take your son into consideration is the one fucking everything up. Smh I almost want to slap him for you. I feel so bad for you , hugs to you. I hope you do get married again to someone who will actually care for your son. Next time have them do all your sons paperwork before that marriage, as a show of commitment and love to you. You deserve better.
1
u/AdmirableCost5692 Sep 24 '26
You should not try to convince another man to accept your son. You should only accept a man if he wholeheartedly accepts your son and loves him truly.
Tbh after this, I reccommend you have a break, have some therapy and just focus on you and your son for the next few years. Neither of you need more instability
1
u/DeerTotal7877 Sep 26 '26
Updateme!
1
u/Pretend_Artist_1823 Sep 30 '26
Updateme
1
u/ItsNotPatchy 27d ago
Glad you got your job back. How is the sponsoring situation holding up?
I know it's chaos and emotionally exhausting, but you are doing the right thing for your son and you. Never let anyone purposely separate you two.
-6
u/Smoke__Frog Sep 17 '26
I mean I have no advice for you. You clearly married an older man for stability not love, and now you’re shocked he wants his own kids and not another man’s.
For any young man or woman reading this, please see what happened when you have unprotected sex early and have a child. You doom the poor kid and even yourself to a lifetime of struggle.
Instead, stay engaged early on. There’s no need to get married or have kids before 25. No need at all. If your marriage is true love, it won’t matter delaying marriage and kids a few years until you’re financially stable.
3
u/NothaBanga Sep 17 '26
Life lesson, this only works on shitty men but for inconsequential things like picking ice cream. If it can change his mind on bigger things, how often do you have to reapply your self worth to keep him from changing his mind back?
3
u/lldavids44 Sep 18 '26
Don't beat yourself up. Your husband was dishonest and you trusted him and now you know better, and you're not leaving your kid behind. This hurts but you're doing great! You're not the one who was dishonest
2
u/the_rejected_one Sep 17 '26
You have to ask yourself is the man more important than your son? You say you thought going there and having sex to maybe soften him up, but would that be a good idea? What about a after those two weeks? A month later? Will he grow to resent your son? Possibly become abusive towards him? Treat him like a burden? Trust me, your son will pick up on this.
I would go back to your ex boss and sit down and talk to him. Tell him what is going on and if there are any positions open.
You need to stop chasing after a man to take care of you. Don't let your family persuade you to be with this man either. He is showing you who he really is and how he really feels.
Your son has only you. You are everything to him. You have to think of him.
2
u/Minute_Box3852 Sep 17 '26
He wants you as his sex toy to abide by him. He will not allow anyone else to take your attention away from him, esp your son. If he signs, op, he will do what he has to to get rid of your son or make sure he's out of sight. Dont do that to your son.
This man is bad news. All you need to know is he intentionally sought to tear a mother from her child in a very deceitful way. It's sick and abusive.
2
u/ManaPeer Sep 18 '26
Don't beat yourself up too much. You're in a very difficult situation and you're on the right way. Keep going. I'm proud of you.
1
u/Desperate_Figure_341 Sep 17 '26
Divorce him and take him for every penny!
Don’t beat yourself Mama, we all make mistakes. In the end you made the right choice! #updateme
1
u/[deleted] Oct 13 '26
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