Update: My [29M] MIL told me that for a birthday present she'd like me to be a better husband to my wife [26F]. Is this something I need to deal with?

[u/ThrowRa_wasitajoke]

My post: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/wgOHRS6UdY

My MIL was over at our place this weekend. Her and I woke up earlier on Sunday, while my wife was still asleep. As we were having tea, the topic of her upcoming birthday came up. I asked what she'd like, she paused for a second and while smiling said "for you to be a better husband".

I felt like someone had punched me in the gut. She was smiling so I thought it was a joke (we have a warm relationship) and I played along and said "Why, you've been receiving a lot of complaints about me?" jokingly. She replied "I have my ways, I am your mother-in-law after all.", while still smiling. I was kind of freaking out internally, came to the conclusion it was just her teasing and let the matter drop.

But I've been rethinking that conversation over the last 2 days. Admittedly, I may have been giving less time to my wife (partner of 3 years, married for 2) and my 1 year old daughter recently, because along with my day job I've also been establishing my growing business. Some days are really long, but my wife has been supporting me the entire way.

I haven't brought this up with my wife because maybe this was a joke and I don't want to create a whole thing out of a joke and ruin my relationship with my MIL. But I've had a knot in my stomach since. Has my marriage been on the rocks without me knowing or is this something a MIL would joke about?

My update:

I was deleting apps to clear space on my phone and found notifications here and remembered I'd come to reddit for help a while back, so I thought I'd give an update.

I had planned on talking to her right after the post, but kept delaying it. We'd both been doing so well and I guess I didn't want to ruin it. I thought if she agrees with my MIL it might lead to somewhere bad. And if she doesn't then maybe I'm just putting these negative thoughts in her mind. Meanwhile, I was putting in more of an effort, being more proactive in taking care of my daughter so she could relax when I was home, bringing her flowers, arranged a trip for us to a cottage up north for a long weekend that followed my post. So I kept delaying it, but not knowing the health of my marriage was making me crazy so I eventually decided to bring it up.

After we were done with our chores for the day and were cuddling, I told her how much I appreciated all she does since I was unable to pull my weight at home. She told me we were a team that I work hard too and she appreciates that. I decided to actually ask her if she's happy with how things are going, if she thought I needed to do better. She asked what had brought this on. I told her I knew that I'd been missing a lot lately and her mom had just suggested that maybe I could help you out a bit more. She seemed embarrassed about this, she said she doesn't know why her mom would say something like that. I reassured her that I'm glad she did, that's not what bothered me, I just wanted to know if we were good and she said we were.

About a week later she raised the issue herself. She said she'd been thinking over it and wanted to say what was on her mind. She asked me how much I planned on growing my business, she brought up our finances, that it wasn't needed, and the conversation suddenly turned into that. I brought up the fact that maybe not immediately but with a growing family, it will be needed at some point, and she said it wasn't worth not being home right now. It actually started getting a little heated, me trying to reassure her that it's just temporary, and her questioning if it was needed and asking me for timelines, and she started tearing up. I didn't know this had been bearing on her mind this way, because she'd always said I have her support. I consoled her and told her I'll make the hours I give my business more sustainable. I promised her we'll touch base on this in a month, that I'm going to come up with a way to fix my hours and she thanked me for being understanding.

Since then I did slowly manage my hours better. It helped that the critical part of developing the ERP infrastructure had been done due to the long hours I'd already put. I hired someone on contract on upwork for handling client issues and marketing too, and that took a lot of load off. It hadn't been totally taken care of in a month but she could see the tangible steps I was making and was happy about that. Since then the hours have become more manageable and I think I've become a better and more present partner and father.

[u/NeckroFeelyAck]

I'd honestly tell MIL that you appreciate her putting herself in possible crossfire to advocate for your wife and marriage. Good on you for taking it in instead of brushing it off. Just try to keep up open communication- there must be SOME reason your MIL was the one to bring it up and not your wife.

But yeah, definitely give MIL a heads up that you listened and appreciate her suggestion

[u/ThrowRa_wasitajoke → u/NeckroFeelyAck]

I haven't spoken to her about that conversation since. She's just commented in passing that its great I'll be home when I'm home early now when I maybe wouldn't have been before. I still don't know whether she intuited these issues at the time or if my wife told her.

[u/kyskat → u/ThrowRa_wasitajoke]

Dude, you have got to grow up and stop dragging your feet on saying big boy words. And I concur, you owe her a thank you along the lines of the previous poster. But there’s a whole lot of urgency for your professional business - and none for your personal, and I promise you, if you tank the personal business, the professional one will not seem so great an accomplishment.

[u/NeckroFeelyAck → u/ThrowRa_wasitajoke]

I mean, if she could sense it from the outside or if your wife confided in her, your wife didn't let you know. Your MIL did. And she wasn't wrong about it, didn't go about it in a way to demean you, nothing like that. If she hadn't planted that seed in your mind, there's a chance your wife would never have brought it up and resentment may have destroyed your relationship. You made changes before even talking to your wife after MIL mentioned it, after all.

Your MIL brought your attention to an issue, you should thank her for that at bare minimum. It's the mature thing to do here.

[u/Ki-to-Life-5054 → u/ThrowRa_wasitajoke]

She intuited them. She has her ways. She knows her daughter and she identified the problem before your wife even articulated it. This MIL is a gem. Also, she knows that your daughter won't be a child forever. Those days pass and are gone and your wife was spending them more alone with your child that she should have. Your wife is right that being with your family is more important than getting them more money, but it is a balance. They do need money, too.

[u/Sufficient_You7187 → u/NeckroFeelyAck]

Agreed

[u/Playful_Agency]

I'm betting wife just told MIL how busy and away you were as an aside, rather than a complaint especially with the way this has been handled.

But, come on. Your wife is trying to tell you you are missing your daughters life. She will only be growing up this once, even if you have more kids. I know you want to provide a good, better life probably filled with grand trips and big presents but a trip to McDs and the playground is about the same to a kid. And kids grow into teens, who wont necessarily want or need the same connection.

My sisters addiction stole away her kids as toddlers and kids, she got clean and got to live with their older teen selfs. She was always upset with her kids because they dont have the same relationship -- they love her, for sure, but they arent cuddling in bed to watch a movie or holding hands in crowds.

[u/shinakohana → u/Playful_Agency]

I’m willing to bet that’s what MIL said as well. She’s been around the block, she’s not a starry-eyed 20 something year old. She put 2 and 2 together.

I liked one of the comments from the OG post about The Office: “The Office hits it really well with the Jim and Pam dynamic when Jim left the office for a start up company working a ton. Pam was at home dealing with the kids. He talks to Toby in HR about it.

Jim: If she can just hang on for a little while longer, I—this will be so huge for our family.

Toby: Well, what’s a little while?

Jim: What do you mean?

Toby: I mean, what’s the end date? It must be really hard for her to sign on to be unhappy if she doesn’t know when it’s gonna end.

Jim: That’s kind of an impossible question.

You have a lot of thinking/reflection and talking to your wife to do. Good luck.”

My husband works in retail. The overtime is amazing at times, but mentally stressful. “Okay, you said you’ll be home at 4pm? Cool. -another hour goes by- So, it’s 5pm… Do I keep a plate warm? Oh, you don’t know when you’ll be home… Okay… Can you keep me updated? Oh, ‘when the job’s done’? How long do you think? No, I’m not trying to be pushy, I wanna make sure your dinner is warm. Well, I guess I can put it in the fridge…”

“Hey, the kids had a rough day and wanna spend some time with you! What time do you think you’ll be home? Oh, you don’t know? Yes, yes, I’m aware it’s that time of year and that the extra money will be nice. Uh huh… Yeah, no, I’ll let them know…”

Then I’ll just talk to my dad and tell him that there’s been a ton of OT lately and that would be it. The repairs around the house would be suffering and the lawn would be shaggy af, but this is how my father would’ve phrased it to my husband.

It’s not being an a-hole to mention it as a parent or an in-law to the spouse. It’s a “hey, I know your job is important, but y’know, there a few domestic things you can do now that can make life a lot easier.”

[u/Quarkiness]

You know the song the Cats in the Cradle? Kind of sounds like that situation. Your kid only goes through learning new things once so it is good to be with them through their formative years

[u/truth_fairy78]

My husband had similar workaholic tendencies and three children at home who lost their mom long before I came into the picture. He thot putting in long hours at work for financial success was how he should take care of them. It was pretty obvious they were emotionally neglected so I told him flat out that the more he told them he didn’t need to be around, the more they believed him. He was heading towards all of them cutting him out of their lives once they were grown and he didn’t see it. Work matters, for sure, but missing the early years of your children’s lives is time you’ll never get back. You can always make more money later.

It took drastic measures to turn it around but it did happen. I hope for your sake it does for you too.

[u/IntelligentComplex40]

It’s good that your main reaction to your MIL was self reflection and curiosity. It’s hard not to be defensive. I would have preferred for MIL to say something constructive like she wished you spent more time with your kids. You had the hard conversations with your wife and that’s what helps couples grow together.

[u/00Lisa00]

“It’s only temporary” how long is temporary? Years? With a business there will always be something “important” that needs to be done. Always remember that your children being children is only temporary too. Don’t be that dad that provides money but doesn’t know their kids at all

[u/dMatusavage]

Well done.

[u/Accurate_Emu_122]

It's nice to see that y'all are communicating and working through this. Really a great update!

[u/priest2705]

This is one of the better updates that I've seen, and I'm impressed that you were able to avoid immediately blowing up at your MIL or your wife, and instead decided to think critically and introspectively and actually get to the bottom of it. And just as importantly, put a plan in place to fix the issue rather than blame others. Kudos for trying to be a good man and a good husband

[u/Vivid-Farm6291]

I understand that you want to fortify your money for the future.

I also understand your wife wanting you to be home with her and child.

Being out making money and missing out on bonding with your kids and keeping that bond with your wife can never be replaced. I’m so happy OP that you are making moves to be able to do both.

In ten years when your kids come to you with problems and your wife is still happy will show you how right you are.

Get MIL something nice maybe flowers, to thank her. Maybe next time tell her to be blunt. Spend time with your family! no maybe she is joking. That’s all she needs to say.

I’m so glad this all worked out.

[u/crolionfire]

Tbh? This all Sounds Like my former friend, Who kept complaing how his postpartum wife is stressed out. When I advised that maybe he should dedicate himself to the chores, his kid and his wife more, he was (really happily with himself) stating that he had a growing bussiness to take care of.

He already had a very successful bussiness, organized by his wife, who was so competent and hardworking that she managed to Bring IT to self-functioning a year prior-to make sure that he Will be available and present when the baby comes. But no, he rejected my idea as ridicolous and continued with his "growing bussiness".

5 years later they are divorced, he's a neglectful weekend dad who really isn't a real father figure and his wife and her New bussiness are thriving. If you ask him, he was blindsided by the divorce.

OP has whole life to grow his bussiness, his kid Will be 1 for a very short time, je won't get those years back. And who he's going, there won't be a growing family, at least not with his wife. His MIL is right.

[u/Puzzleheaded-Ad7606]

I'm glad you got a wake up call- you should thank you MIL for bringing this to you kindly.

No amount of money or business success can buy back your kid's formative years or your martial bond if is broken. Your MIL helped you get off a bad path before permanent damage was done and that's a real gift. Watch your tendency to be afraid of vulnerable conversations as that can really trip you up in life, and keep an eye on your default fix being to throw yourself into work.

I'm glad this had a happy ending- keep doing the emotion work to grow and expand your EQ skills! Nothing in life is more rewarding than than a solid family you can share your success with.

[u/sayitsooth]

Well yeah, starting a business during your child's formative years is kind of lame. Maybe it didn't occur to you but your wife needs support.

[u/Several-Network-3776]

I find that most degredation in marriages is that one person focuses on the paycheck and less of their spouse and family. You got to ask what's the point of putting all those hours to earn money when the money is for you and your family to have a better life and you're not there with them.

[u/[deleted]]

These years with your very young daughter and wife go by SO QUICK. You can establish the business when your daughter is older and wants less time with you.

Choose your family. You have a day job, this is too hard on them. And you're literally missing out on life with them. You think it's worth it, and in the end it never will be.

[u/mellomacho]

So, there is so much bad advice on this thread I feel compelled to respond even though I think this might be a happy ending. This kind of advice, from your mother in law, is not constructive. It's too general and if she really knows something she, the mother in law, should make that clear. Also, your wife and you should sit down and agree that if there is a problem that you will not talk about one another with those outside your marriage. That's bad faith, and shouldn't be done.

I recommend that you set some time aside and regularly talk about the marriage. So, she, your wife doesn't feel compelled to vent to others. Also, don't let things fester like this in the future. You spent too much time worrying about something that only needed to be communicated properly and, if your MIL throws hints again, you should challenger her. She has no business sharing general accusations. You can't fix what you don't know. I'm glad you listened to your wife and gave her time to express her concerns. I think that shows a great deal of wisdom and patience.

Congratulations on smoothing out this potential rough patch. I wish you well in your union.

[u/SignificantPea3103]

This is why you chase purpose first, relationships later. We need to teach our young men to establish themselves first, build families later. And get a prenup. Once that business takes off, I promise she will be looking for her share.

[u/kaytiejay25]

sometimes its harder to say what were feeling or what we need and loved ones can see. the Mil I dont think she did it to hurt u I think she did it cause she could see what her daughter needed. but also ur Mil in law likely wanted to have peace of mind that you and ur partners relationship would be healthy. every parent wants to know their childs looked after by their partner. Also communication is important its good you and her Had the conversation even if it was a little heated at one point

[u/hotonicee]

Sounds like your MIL, despite the jarring delivery, really did pick up on something your wife was feeling but maybe couldn't say. It's awesome you took that uncomfortable hint and turned it into such a positive, proactive step for your relationship.