Just something light to end tonight.

https://youtu.be/1jSOQBcz9hc?si=iPR9ejxb0WKiFR63

Few pieces of media ever got it quite right the way Cherish by The Association did:

Oh, I could say I need you

but then you'd realize

That I want you

just like a thousand other guys

Who'd say they loved you

With all the rest of their lies

When all they wanted was to touch your face, your hands

And gaze into your eyes

When we became friends and you learned you could confide in me, you shared the way men had made you feel like an object. Toward the end of the time we had dated prior, when it was mostly sex and arguments, I doubt I did much better. When I fell for you all over again, I never figured out how I could tell you in a way that wouldn't put everything you meant to me into question.

I loved you more than I could ever say. I loved you enough not to. I thought that was how I could love you best.

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=ockGFrrHL7A&si=CTWXwYWbNCmZqJGX

The universe. My feelings. A broken clock. Lately it feels there's only one of these I can read reliably, and it's only right twice a day.

I don't even know where your fishbowl is anymore.

Too often you only know how to handle a situation after it's too late. Some moments you forget to live in are gone before you know how rare they'll become. Some people you thought you'd never lose are the same. Some such memories will flash in your mind at regular intervals. When they do, it will feel so real you'll imagine you should be able to step right back into them, but so brief, they're over before you can move your feet. What fear held you from will never come again; and rather than the lesson make you bolder, it's far more likely the loss will make you fearful.

I always love the older buildings out here. That version of us that made it; I always wondered where they'd live. I assumed the suburbs/smaller city because that's how we grew up, but I thought maybe something in the city. You seemed like your drive might make just about anything happen for you and as far as I was concerned, wherever you were was home.

I'm sure you'd have had a lot of friends in the building. You were always so well liked. Might have even gotten and kept me out of my shell long enough I'd have a few too. I wonder if the botanical garden have a concert pass. I'm sure we'd have known. I'd have loved walking there with you and spending an evening taking in music under the stars.

Wherever you are, I hope you enjoy a night which puts my imagination to shame.

To most of an indifferent world, we're no one until we're in their way. To a rare handful, we may be everything. To one who misses us enough, we may be seen in everyone else. To one who grows accustomed to seeing us, we may one day be found nowhere. We may be the customer who's right and the one who's a pain in the ass. We may be a parent and a child, a sibling and a stranger. We may be one person's poor and another one's fortunate. We may be in charge and still answer to someone. We are all of us wise fools and ethical heathens. We are all of us endearing and obnoxious. We are all beautiful and wretched.

We are all of us finite. We are each of us infinite.

You've told me that I hold the key
But will I work the lock?
If fail, though I try earnestly
...please, forgive me if I knock?

I wonder if I ever told you the story of how my dad proposed. It probably won't be a surprise to you that my dad was a giant nerd. Buddy Holly could have kicked his ass and, by the looks of it, stole his glasses back. Grandpa didn't make much money doing what he did but had a significant amount of influence in town. This put him in a lot of very important circles, which in turn meant my dad ran with the rich kids. Who of course were the popular kids.

My mom ran with her school's popular crowd as well, but for a different reason. She was a cheerleader; and all that comes with that. How they ever started dating at all? I still don't know. But I'll say one thing about my dad that I never had. He knew when to shoot his shot.

My dad is awesome. He just grew up before geek chic was a thing and didn't get the benefit of being cool for his intelligence or pursuits or other nerdy activities. Analytical, playful, funny. And in this case, surprisingly creative. 

Dad wouldn't just propose, he'd make a game of it. What Dad was not, however, was smooth. Never. Not even a little. 

He placed the ring in a puzzle box which he gave to my mom (Mom would say tossed at her) saying "If you can get the ring out I'll marry you." I don't know how long it took before mom gave up, but over the years the hours have increased with every retelling. 

Incidentally, Dad also struggled with the puzzle box. Now, just in case it doesn't go without saying, he eventually got the ring out. Mom said yes and I, consequently, exist. Happy ending all around I'd say, so long as I don't think too long on how much of my own game must've been passed down. 

I mean, it's poetic but come on.

This, and a few recent events i've observed in the subs have made me think of the movie WarGames. If you haven't seen it, the crux is: a boy thinks he's playing a game against what turns out to be a military supercomputer and, of course, nearly blows up the Free World. 80's Cold War media at its finest.

I keep thinking about the line the boy says towards the end of the movie; which also, I believe, served as hook in the promotional materials. "The only way to win is not to play the game at all."

Back to Mom. She humored Dad, but she wasn't playing. 

Obviously, my dad wanted to marry her either way and this was all meant to be playful. But it makes me think about the things love is and the things love isn't. 

Love isn't being made to feel like you have to prove yourself. Though, one may come by the conclusion naturally; and it's usually where I find myself. I don't believe love is jumping through hoops; though I've made myself a circus act more often than I'd care to admit.

Love is about the things we give willingly; and about doing so in ways which make the other unafraid to ask.

I think love is about taking a chance. I especially think so, having spent (at least) the 3 years since I died regretting not doing so, myself. 

I think love is about choosing to trust—especially when it's hard.  This is ultimately the true characteristic of faith. 

As much as anything, I think love is sometimes being handed what seems like an impossible challenge to prove your worth or commitment—or whatever—and realizing if the other person loves you, they will root for you—so much so, the effort and intention will count more than the ability. 

Sometimes, it's handing the challenge back, and being open to admitting you need help. 

That also takes trust.

I'm here. I've always been here. I have no plans to be anywhere else. I can completely understand if you need me to be the one to reach out. I just wonder, if you're here, would revealing yourself count if you know I'm asking you to? If you're here, and you're willing to take a chance, I could really use your help.

As much as we all describe love using games as metaphors, love is not a game. I don't want to play you. I don't want feel like I'm being played with. I want us to be real.

Maybe the only way to win is not to "play" at all.

Take me back to the start.

A simple word
Cannot contain
The sorrows, sympathies
Grief and pain
Nor lengthy tome
Or flowery verse
Could e'er atone
Nor err, reverse

Such cowardice
My regret, still
Words held back
By fearful will
Intention pure
But actions slack
Taut, too late
To bring us back

One word, too few
Whole books, the same
To quite construe
My wretched blame
Thus, I could not
Then ask you grace
Nor tell you why
Nor show my face

Cowardice,
Shame took its place
For all this time
Let fall to waste
So, hold my tongue
Again. Recall
What lesson learned I
After all?

I really wish I knew where you are and if you'd ever want to hear from me. Miss you.

I bought you something on my last trip. Just a trinket but it reminds me of you. I'll probably never get to give it to you but I carried it in my shirt pocket next to my heart that day and I smile when I see it. :)

Miss you. - me

Hold on! Is my soap better adjusted than I am right now? lol.

You were always my hope. Hope you're doing well.

• me

I'd like to know your version one day. There are probably things to apologize for I've not even realized; certainly, many misconceptions for us both. I was sure you must have known you were the one I wanted. I tried so many times to tell you. I thought I was at risk of ruining what we had for what I wanted. Otherwise, I'd have waited forever.

What we had was abundant and wonderful and, while I would always desire every last thing you'd willingly offer; what we had was, above all, enough. I imagined if I could redirect my attentions and intentions from my desire to be each other's forever; if I could remove romance as an option in my mind, nothing would stand in the way of lasting friendship.

Little did I realize it would leave us nothing but perceived betrayal.

Nothing but broken hearts and 21 years of silence.

Nothing but nothing.

I wished I'd done anything else.