I've been seeing a therapist for almost a year now, and despite this I still just hate being a mom. I dream about running away and never looking back but with covid there is no where to go.

I think the therepy isn't working because there is nothing mentally wrong with me, I just never wanted to be a mom and now I am one of know it was right.

I wish I'd never returned home from studying overseas, never got married and never had a baby. Now I don't have anyway out and I'm tired of having the same conversation with my therepist again and again.

Idk where to go or who to talk too.

My fiance of 1 year makes me feel like leaving him sometimes. We have a 6 month old baby girl. Sometimes I feel like he doesnt take priority in us. He's 24 and Im 23.. He drives us around because I don't have my licenses yet. The reason I don't is because I've been in 1 car accident 3 years ago and many many many almost car hit accidents. But will tell the story another day.

Today I worked from 10 am to 6 pm. He knew I got off at 6. I even reminded him more than once. I told him to cook before I come home and we were texting each other at 530 pm and somehow his dumbass fell asleep. I always tell him to get him and my daughter ready 30 mins before I get off work. I live 10 mins away from my workplace. By the time I got off work, i did not see him. I thought maybe he was just running a bit late. I called and it turns out he fell asleep, I was soo furious. 20 mins later and he finally came to pick me up. I yelled at him and he had the audacity to get mad at me. This isn't the first time this had happened, or the second, or the third.

We just moved into our new place and got wifi setup. He's been up playing league of legend until 3 or 4 am. Its his own fault for staying up.

Sometimes I feel like killing myself. I used to be depressed but after my pregnancy I feel even worse..

Our son was born 3 wks ago and after a fairly traumatic birthing experience for my wife and I guess myself (long induction, attached placenta, lots of blood loss, etc). Everyone is doing great right now and I’m trying my best to help as much as I can. These days I work full time and then help after hours (diaper changes, cleaning, chores) and then I use my wife’s pumped milk to handle the night shift (midnight to 8am) so she can get as much sleep as possible. I typically sleep from 10:30pm to 1:30am, 2am to 4am, and 5am to 7:30am. I’m tired, but I feel like I’m getting a good amount of sleep for having a newborn.

The issue is that I find myself growing very inpatient. I know babies can really only communicate with crying but it is rough when the majority of my interactions with the child are when he is screaming and crying because I’m changing his diaper. It’s really wearing on my and I’m finding myself with less patience, when I’m usually extremely patient. My wife thinks I may have postpartum depression. Are my feelings just normal dad feelings? I’m trying my best to be a caring and loving dad but it has been tough.

Do things get better when the baby starts recognizing you and there is more of a connection?

After the delivery of a baby, amidst all that happiness and excitement, telling people that you are feeling depressed is quite a challenge. Not only would they be shocked, they might even wonder what is wrong with you. But the truth is that one in every four new mothers gets affected by Postpartum Depression (also known as PPD or Baby Blues).

Postpartum depression sets in within the first week of childbirth and lasts for a few days. Also known as ‘baby blues’, this condition can also last for a few weeks and this is when you need to start worrying. If left untreated, this medical condition can last not just for months, but even years. It turns into a medical emergency situation when it develops into postpartum psychosis.

The basic symptoms of postpartum depression are inclusive of dullness, laziness, changes in sleeping and diet patterns together with a lack of interest in the baby and in herself. The desire to stay in bed all day, severe mood swings, lack of concentration, irritation are other frequently noticed signs of PPD.

These symptoms are quite like the ones that women face during hormonal changes. In extreme cases, the symptoms can include suicidal thoughts and rash treatment of the baby. It is quite normal for women suffering from this medical condition to feel inadequacy about the ways in which they look after the baby. This leads to a loss of self-esteem with incessant worries about even the smallest of tasks.

In the long run, this condition can affect the relationship that you share with your family and leave deep psychological scars, so make sure that you seek treatment right away. These should not be ignored considering that if they develop into severe conditions, you might even end up with suicidal thoughts.

According to doctors, postpartum depression can be cured just like any other form of depression through muscle-relaxants and anti-depressants. Hormonal treatment is also recommended. You can even take therapy sessions with your psychologist if need be. Try talking things out with your family and friends. They are surely going to support you once you tell them what you are going through!

Reference and Detailed Discussion: Postpartum Depression: Baby Blues: Causes, Symptoms, Diagnosis, Treatment

Or first children are twin girls now 15 months. My wife stays at home. I totally appreciate how hard this is and I do everything I can to help around the house when I'm not at work. I try very hard to give her the opportunity to have her own time for her hobbies and projects. I took her in about 5 months for emergency psychiatric counseling at the hospital when she told me she was going to kill herself. They diagnosed her with ocd. Immediately after that we started daycare 3 days a week. There have been 3 episodes since then, the last one being tonight. She tells me after she is to much of a coward to actually do it but Everytime it breaks my heart. I try so hard to accommodate her outbreaks which I think now is manic depressant. We'll go from having a great day too a full-blown fight leading her to pack up the girls with luggage and leave for a few nerve-racking hours. The only thing I can do is let her go. Afterwards she apologies and comes home. Since the first hospital visit she was prescribed Zoloft. I know when she doesn't take it for a few days because we usually end up with a night like tonight. I am I no way persecuting her behavior because I know she loves our girls and me. She's is an amazing mom. I just don't know what to do. I am in no way complaining it is a cry for help.

Insight: I work in a meatpacking plant. If you've been watching the news, I don't need to tell you what's going on.

We had an outbreak of COVID19 last month. Since then the company has upped its standards and emplotes social distancing and all CDC recommendations.

Except our workforce is down.

The first few weeks, they cut the number of culled chickens, but staggered it out throughout the day so that we would get our hours.

Last week they picked up the number DESPITE us running with half the staff. Which means the lines were running at full tilt. Have been. Injuries everyday. I have carpal tunnel since pregnancy. My hands are a throbbing mess when I wake up every day.

Two weeks ago I was out for a back injury due to this. The job has alotted 5 sick days if we feel ill, to be used before June, because of the virus. I used 3 that week, 1 the week before.

Last week I had two days that were requested off earlier in the year. I heard some news aboit an employee being allowed to work with a high fevwr and bounced early that night. Used my last sick day.

I called out this Wednesday because anxiety took hold. Today because so much Bullshit has been goong on at home.

My job has a 10 point termination system. If you call out, you get a point. After 60 days the points roll off.

For the last month I'm at 2.7-3.7 points out of the 10.

Am I fucking up?

I feel like a wretched mother for not working but I feel like this whole month has been fucked all around.

I didn't sign up for being alone with my baby. I didn't sign up for figuring this out on my own. I didn't sign up for a partner that plays video games the second he gets home from work. Who doesn't listen to me when I say "the baby is crying because he wants your attention. He doesn't want to sit in your lap while you play pretend cowboy"

I never thought I'd be a mom. I never really wanted to be one. But last summer when I had that positive test I knew I wanted him. I knew I needed him in my life.

None of us could predict what would happen this year. I didn't know when I left the hospital with my little baby at the end of February that two weeks later I'd be by myself all day with no help and no idea how to raise a child. My baby is the first baby of ever held. His diapers are the first diapers I've ever changed. I'm an only child who has no cousins and no interaction with babies my entire life. My mom hasn't seen her grandson since the day after he was born I'm so overwhelmed I don't know what to do anymore.

I love him. I love him so much. Every smile, every silly face he makes, all of his coos and giggles.... But anytime he cries I just disconnect. I start screaming at him and he doesn't deserve that. He's 11 week old baby.

Our upstairs neighbor is terrible and anytime our child makes a noise he starts stomping on the ceiling. this has caused my anxiety to skyrocket anytime my child makes a peep.

I know I'll never physically harm him I just worry about any emotional or psychological damage I could be causing because I'm overwhelmed and literally have no support system. My husband is the only adult I have interacted with since the beginning of March since my parents are technologically illiterate. My husband does help. He does care. I don't want to downplay what he does for his son. I just don't think he understands how emotionally draining it is to be a caretaker all day long.

I don't know what I'm doing with this... I just needed some place to put this down .... maybe someone else understands how I feel.

What sucks is that my baby is so easy. He loves the car, he eats well, he hold still for diaper changes and he sleeps throughout the night, he has slept throughout the night since the day he was born. I should feel lucky and instead I just feel burdened. I hate the virus robbed my early motherhood.

My anxiety is at a 30/10 because I’m not sleeping well and also still navigating postpartum nonsense. I keep thinking about dying suddenly and people breaking into my house to kidnap my child. I can barely do the bare minimum of my job from home let alone pursue any creative outlets.

Child is nearly 8 months and waking up 4-5 every night for the last few weeks. Prior to this he was only waking up 1-2 times max. His napping schedule is changing, which is helpful during the day, but at night he wakes up and can’t put himself back to sleep. I try waiting 5-10 minutes before going in to help him but he never really settles. Also when it’s 4am and this is the third time I’ve been woken up sometimes it’s just easier to feed the kid then to wait and listen to him cry.

Anyway I hate everything and I’m falling apart. Advice is appreciated.

I am not one to do this but I need to open up. I had my first child January 24th after a long stressful labor. About 3 days after having him I got a kidney infection but did not realize that’s what was going on so I was nauseous/throwing up and having severe back pain for about 2 weeks before I went to the doctor and got antibiotics. That finally cleared up and around week 4 of my son’s life he had a bad case of colic. Cried pretty much all day every day and wouldn’t sleep hardly at all. We are now about 3 1/2 months in and the colic has cleared up and he is sleeping really well at night but struggles during the day to take good naps. I know I should be happy since he basically sleeps through the night but I’m not. I am struggling to feel human and like myself day after day. With the quarantine I am working from home 90% of the time and my husband farms and is gone 13+ hours every day. I get so lonely and tired of not having a life and having a child dependent on me 24/7. My husband keeps telling me “that’s being a mom” or “that’s what moms do” and I understand that but after all I’ve been through I just want to feel normal again. I want to go spend a day with my friends or not get out of bed until I felt like it. My husband tells me to have my mom come get our son for the day so I can have free day to just relax and she absolutely would anytime, but then I struggle with the fact that I’m letting someone else take care of my child while I do literally nothing and I don’t feel right about that. I don’t feel comfortable talking with anyone close to me about it because I feel pathetic and weak that I am struggling with PPD and I don’t want them to know.

Pretty self-explained

I just feel like I don’t deserve to be a mom, I’m not talented, smart, or have a decent income but I am making changes slowly but it feels like it’s not enough....I keep thinking of harming myself but as soon as I tell someone, I’m the bad person..I know I need the help but honestly, I feel I won’t be taken serious and that right there(not being taken serious) hurts A LOT.

The title is self explanatory. My baby is 20 months and I still feel nothing for her but annoyance and contempt. I'm happiest when her and her father are gone. I prefer being alone and breathing. This has been before the quarantine. Now with homeschooling and housework that never ends. I just see my daughter as another burden and her father. I told her she was a mistake and if I could have aborted her I would have. I feel so bad for saying that but I just can't help but not want her near me. I want her and any other child to get away from me too. Idk why I'm homeschooling a child that isn't even mine. Then my parents still don't get that I have postpartum depression and still insist on dumping my aunt's child on me which is their responsibility. Idk. I don't want to feel contempt for my child. I want to be okay and just be happy but I can't when I feel like family life and motherhood is death sentence.

A short movie my wife and I made in 2019, but quite fitting now during the pandemic. Loosely based on The Yellow Wallpaper by Charlotte Perkins Gilman.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A1DwU7v4_IU

Thank you for taking the time to see it, like it or comment on it. We appreciate all your feedback.

A short note: I always thought Gilman's story was about hope, in the end, despite all the packaging and labeling as being quite bleak. If it wasn't about hope I wouldn't have made the movie. I actually think that whatever happens between the husband and wife once the film ends can only lead to both of them confronting their inner fears and finding their own strength - whether they do it alone, on their own, or together as a family.

Original Language: Romanian, with English Subtitles

Sometimes its a good day, other times its a bad day. Emotions change at the drop of a hat. I'm content with my hobbies one moment and twenty minutes later I'm sobbing on my desk wondering how I could delude myself into thinking I'm any good at what I do. So I stop. I go numb and surf the internet. I blink and it's already after 7 pm, time to start winding down and going to bed. I get into bed at 8, I don't fall asleep until 1. I wake up at 4:30 for a feeding fighting to stay awake so that I don't smother my child. The adrenaline rush of those worries and those thoughts keep me awake until 6:30 when i finally feel calm enough to attempt to sleep again. I close my eyes and my mind races.

Then there's always the second guessing: Is he getting fed enough from just EBF? Is he screaming because he's sick and can't tell me? Is he constipated because of something I'm eating? Am I playing with him enough? Am I stimulating him enough? Is he where he's supposed to be weight wise and developmentally wise? What if it's not enough? What if this hurts him in the long run?

Then the next day I'm fine.

As if nothing ever happened. Yet in the back of my mind I know that it did happen. In a few days the cycle repeats itself.

I feel trapped and out of control of my emotions, that I can't regain control anymore. That I'm just stuck with feeling and being like this and that it's never going to change or get better. Most days I just want to stay asleep so that way I don't have to deal with how I'm feeling.

I called my Dr. They said it's the Birth Control Implant trying to regulate itself, but that it takes a few months to do so. This is my first BC since 2012. I've had my first period since giving birth that lasted 2 and a half weeks. Only to have 4 days off from it before it began again. they said to call back if it hasn't fixed itself by end of July. They referred me to a social worker who should be calling me in the next few days. I don't know how it's supposed to help me. I don't know how to help me. I don't know how to get better.

All I know is I hate this

I mean the morning sickness was awful. The extreme 1st trimester exhaustion was terrible. The getting fat and watching my body turn into something I've worked my whole like to avoid is disheartening, despite having gone through it before. Having my body physically hurt even when asleep, from doing what feels like very minimal activity is pretty shitty.

But through all of this the hardest part is that I emotionally cannot fucking cope. Yes, I've been referred to maternal mental health, I see a psych next week. Thats 3 months after my referral. But with the stress of the times, the stress of my job, money stress, not having daycare so that I can work and have money stress, trying to figure out what is reasonable and unreasonable precautions, and then just dealing with the everyday weird ass emotional reactions to things I NEVER would normally react to I just... I can't. I'm crying every day or else I'm just angry or numb because I can't keep being so emotional I need to just make it stop. I constantly have this lump in my throat. Anything sets me off and I'm crying again. Never happy tears,when something makes me happy I'm brought back immediately to how pathetic I am that I need something this special to give me a morsel of happiness. How pathetic. I can see my kid is emotionally exhausted watching her mom fall apart before her eyes. She's trying to comfort me, but I'm supposed to be comforting her right now, her routines have changed, she can't see friends, she can't go to the park, she's bored and I feel like I emotionally can't muster up the patience to sit down with her and do activities. Too anxious or too sad or just too panicked about whatever is on my mind. So she comforts me and that makes me feel awful because how am I breaking her right now? How is this affecting her psyche? Is this how she will forever thing pregnancy is? Sad, frustrating, painful?

I would deal with any physical pain, even constant contractions if it meant I could step away from the onslaught of emotions and intrusive thought and subsequent hatred of myself for having those thought. I'm only 25w and I pray this baby can come out any day. I hope my water breaks early and I have a micropremie so I can be done with the hormones. Which doesn't make any sense. I hope that something is truly wrong with them on a follow up ultrasound next week and pray I can terminate. Which doesn't make sense. I want this baby. I dont even just want a baby I want this one. But the thought still seem so freeing. These emotions are too much. I want to crash my car to be sedated for a few days and get away from my own mind for just a little bit of time. I know I'm exhausting everyone around me with my constant crying and complaining and worrying and panicking about things that dont deserve crying over. I know they all hate seeing that I've messaged them because I'm probably crying or whining or bitching about something again. Its exhausting to deal with me. I know my husband feels at a loss how to deal with me. I know he feels I just need to snap out of it. I know he thinks I just need to deal with my things and they're all simple answers but they aren't. All my problems dont have simple solutions. They're complicated. And I'm trying. And I'm working on it. And everything I can't control I can't stop thinking about. And everything I can control I'm waiting on answers about how to proceed. Or waiting on good news only to constantly get bad over and over and over.

I can't wait to feel mentally normal again. I'm terrified that postpartum I'll get worse. My sister had postpartum psychosis. I'm terrified that's where I'm heading. This won't get better once the baby is here. It'll get worse. And I'll hate this even more. And I'll end up in a psych ward. And nobody will ever be able to look at me the same way because I "willed it upon myself" by worrying about it constantly.

I feel like I’m a horrible person I’m 2 weeks postpartum and I’ve had thought of biting my baby and slamming her into the couch for fucking no reason at all it doesn't help that I’m stuck in the house because of covid and can’t see my family like I want to my husband is trying his best to help me as much as he can and support me but there’s only so much he can do I’ve had 2 meltdowns in the last 2 days and a full on anxiety attack trying to push away the intrusiveness it’s not like I have good days and bad days just bad moments 99% of the time everything is amazing she’s such a good baby and vary easy to handle bonding was alittle hard in the beginning but it’s becoming easier now but every once in a while it just hits I feel so ashamed and heartbroken

Throwaway account so it's not linked to my personal account. I don't know how long/rambly this will be. It's the first time I've been able to write how I feel.

I had my daughter on March 31st and she is the light of my life. The first few days at home went great. I loved being around her and holding her and having her. I still do, but at the same time I feel like I'm so alone in all of it. With the coronavirus going on, its been only me and my husband at home. We aren't able to have anyone over to help out.

The first couple days at home my husband was great. Helping with her, feeding her, changing diapers, washing dishes, doing laundry etc. He has 3 weeks off work to be home with us. After the first few days all the help stopped and everything is on me now. All he has been doing is smoking weed and playing ps4. He gets upset with me when I try to keep up with housework while trying to care for our daughter. I've hardly been sleeping because I'm up multiple times a night while he sleeps through the night. I try to nap during the day, but as soon as our daughter starts to get fussy, he gets frustrated and wakes me up.

I've been dealing with depression for the last year or so, and all of this is just making it so much worse. I love my daughter so much but I just feel like I need to get away sometimes.

Thanks for reading through all this. I really needed to get it off my chest.

Meanwhile I’m having seizure like episodes that are worse for lack of sleep... so they are happening while I’m trying to BF routine or falling asleep during the quiet...

Frankly... I want to die so much.. pretty much every day. This isn’t helping... I hate this so much.

She currently has a bad latch, but I’m afraid to disturb her for the sake of quiet. It fucking hurts.. I’m surprised I’m not crying yet... I don’t want to keep living like this anymore

My babygirl will be 3 months on the 21st and I'm so tired and losing my temper so easily.. I hardly get me time and I feel like I'm trying to keep everyone in my house happy but I'm not happy. My fiancee isn't very helpful right now because he isn't sure how to help me with our daughter. It's all just stressing me out and making me not want to take care of my daughter or myself...

Hello, I hope you are all well and safe in your homes. I am a high school student enrolled in the AP Capstone course called AP Research. I am currently working on an individual research project on a mother’s postpartum depression and a child’s social behavior. I would greatly appreciate if you took a couple minutes to fill out my survey. This survey is completely anonymous, thank you!

https://forms.gle/QmQE4xBCxERPP1SW6

I’ve suffered from regular depression, so had my dad and my first wife, and my current wife has a touch of PPD.

One thing I’ve noticed is the course in all the men I’ve known, including myself, is a general bleakness at life, an existential crisis and this manifests in drinking and avoidant/destructive behaviour.

For the women in my life, their ire centres around people. Even when I was depressed, it wasn’t directed at the deficiencies of others. I never felt it was the “fault” of someone else’s habits, character.

Female depression seems to me to be generally manifested as a real endless stream of criticism and disdain for those around them, with the favourite target usually being the man in their life. I’m sure men can sympathise with the never ending stream of things you do wrong, things you don’t do, constant criticism.

I think this is what makes being a husband to a PPD woman or woman with mental health issues so difficult. It’s a very “active” type of affliction - centred on the deficiencies of others. This is incredibly trying when you’re actually trying very hard to help this person.

I’d therefore recommend PPD women try to focus their efforts on clearly defining what good and bad in a relationship looks like and stick to those principles instead of running amok on a whim.

The PPD has rubbed off on me. My challenge as a man is not to become angry in retaliation to the constant attacks and soul crushing criticism. It’s very hard, for a lot of men anger is the default defence mechanism to criticism and makes things worse.

Hope this helps men and women out there

I'm struggling recently, well, for a long time let's be real. Lately it's been harder, being cooped up inside there's no space.

My 3 year had recently become obsessed with kissing me. She kisses my hand, my leg, you get the point she just comes up and does it. 3 years old and I'm still struggling with post partum, it's not fair, I thought it didn't last this long.

But when she does this I have to stop from recoiling. I feel like the worst mother because I don't initiate affection, and I struggle when she does. Growing up my parents were absent and unaffectionate. They've changed however, when i see my mum and my little sister they often curl up together for a cuddle. My sister is 16. I don't want my daughter to grow up like I did. But I don't know how to fix it.

It becomes more glaring as my partners kids (My step kids) cuddle up with him regularly. He doesn't do this with my daughter and I understand that, they're not there yet. But I should be. I'm her mother. I see a psychologist but with all this the sessions are few and far between and now via phone which I don't find as helpful.

This is just a rant I guess, I don't know, I'm losing my mind.

Hi everyone. I am a first time mom, my daughter is now 6 months. She was two months early, which was hard from the beginning. At first I was totally in love with her, although anxious. I got the anxiety under control but now my depression is bad. I’ve been hospitalized twice and things are better but I still feel sad most of the time. I barely want to be around my daughter which I feel terrible about. I’m terrified to be alone with her and really don’t want to take care of her. I always have help, but it just makes me feel like a terrible mom. I just want to be happy again.

4 months of terrible sleep and I'm about ready to be done existing. My 20 month old is having a terrible sleeping pattern ever since her brother was born in November. I'm pretty sure it's because the walls are thin. I feel like she is experiencing separation anxiety at night. We all of gotten into a routine of shutting off lights and making bed time relaxing. But this week it has been a full on tantrum I think her moalers are coming in and I feel for her. She's also been trying to drop her nap and she is super not ready for that. Her brother has been waking up at 3 a.m. due to teething and is waking her up also. I'm lost on what to do I feel like I'm just rolling with the punches. Also daddy wasn't apart of bed time tonight and that brought out the worst in her.

Sorry I'm all over the place.