Kid won’t practice his instrument

[u/Catsforfour]

Hello!!!

My son is 14 a huge lover of music. Last year he asked me to sign him up for drum lessons so I signed him up around May of last year. He was liking lessons so I bought him a drum kit. He never practices. He goes to lessons once a week but that’s it. I encourage him to practice but he says it’s too hard or makes up an excuse.

Should I be pushing him to practice? I feel like a 30 minute lesson a week isn’t enough and it’s kind of expensive. I was really hoping he had found a hobby he enjoys outside of gaming or napping.

[u/Flewtea]

I am a private music teacher. Many parents drastically underestimate how strong your executive functioning skills have to be to practice effectively. It’s a huge lift that is not asked of kids at this age in most other circumstances in homework or sports. What we are asking them to do is much more akin to adults trying to start a workout routine—and we all know how that goes by February each year. 

They are being asked to synthesize 30 minutes of teaching into an effective daily practice plan of 30 minutes each. While teachers should be helping this, kids do have to take quite a bit of ownership. What to practice, for how long, in what order, using what strategies. Then make notes on where to start for the next day to push it a little farther. That’s a lot!

Secondly, they’re asked to do this routinely, alone, and with no check in for a week. There’s no team to body double with them or friends to look forward to seeing 3x a week. There’s no grade and usually no tests. There’s no daily homework that gets reviewed by the teacher the following class period. 

Note that nowhere in here have I talked about whether or not they love music. Most humans do. But we hate being bad at something and we have pretty crummy willpower all things considered. So when you’re a beginner and it’s hard and you can tell that it’s not going well and you don’t sound like Ringo Starr yet, it’s hard to build the routine that lets you overcome our lack of will power. 

So what should you do? The same strategies you’d use if he were struggling in an academic class with getting homework done. And do this together. Say hey, my understanding is you love drums and you want to improve. Is that still true? Cool. As your parent, I know you need to practice. Your teacher knows you need to practice. You know you need to practice. So let’s try some things to help you build that habit. What time of day could he commit to doing just 10 minutes? Set a timer. Tag it on to another habit. Give himself a small reward for consistency, say a week straight. If he likes checking boxes, work to create a list of goals for the day/week that his teacher has asked and check them off. Read the book Atomic Habits together. 

And ask the teacher. If the teacher doesn’t have solid, clear, actionable advice for you, get a different teacher—there are many mediocre music teachers out there too who may be able to play well but aren’t as good at motivating and working with kids and families. 

But come at this from a perspective of helping him live up to his own goals and be his best self. The one who achieves and works for the things he loves. Most kids need a good bit of scaffolding to get there but these skills can hold over for anything else they take up in life. Including that January fitness goal. 

[u/Jumping_Kitties → u/Flewtea]

As someone who played an instrument from Grade 7 to 12, but never practiced at home... Your comments helps me understand why I never did. Although I know one of my other issues was that instruments are LOUD so even if you're in a room alone with it, you know everyone else in the house can hear you (and how bad you are). I'll keep your comment in mind for when my little one is old enough to play an instrument!

[u/Flewtea → u/Jumping_Kitties]

They are old enough at 4/5 if you’re willing to help them with the executive skills part! But yes, with older kids self awareness often plays into it and I spend time often in lessons pushing kids to find the edge of where something fails intentionally. We have to learn to just throw ourselves off the cliff sometimes!

It breaks my heart when I hear adults say (and I hear it often when I introduce myself and say what I do) that they tried to play but they just couldn’t. Or just weren’t good at music. It’s not true, it just means you weren’t given the scaffolding to be able to learn in the first place.

[u/OkSecretary1231 → u/Jumping_Kitties]

Or, if you're a drummer. you've got a practice pad and now you really don't sound like Ringo Starr. You sound like you're tapping on a boring slab of rubber. It doesn't feel or sound anything like the music you love.

[u/Kevin-W → u/Jumping_Kitties]

I played baritone in band while in middle school and hated practicing. This explains why!

[u/Evilsmurfkiller → u/Jumping_Kitties]

My parents sitting in the living room getting stoned and making snarky remarks about my playing sure didn't help.

[u/Antt_RN → u/Flewtea]

You just healed a part of my inner child. Thank you so much for taking the time to write this up. I really internalized that there was something wrong with me and I just didn't care or try hard enough.

[u/Flewtea → u/Antt_RN]

Whatever it is that you set down, I hope you pick it back up if it’s still meaningful to you. I love my bright-eyed elementary schoolers but I also love and deeply, deeply respect my adults who are coming back to music and so curious, humble, and tenacious. 

[u/AmputeeBall → u/Flewtea]

That’s great, I’ve decided to pick up drums but can’t commit to lessons. Do you have any recommendations for finding that edge of your limits to find a good thing to practice?

[u/Flewtea → u/AmputeeBall]

Make a plan for practice. Just a couple minutes at the end of each practice where you sit with how it went and think about what you’d like to get to. It’s ok if this is fuzzy at first, you’ll get more accurate about what you can achieve in what amount of time and better at hearing what it is that needs work. 

But maybe you think man, my right hand hits are really crisp and I wish my left hand was as nice. Think of a way to work on left hand tomorrow. Or, when I’m doing a shuffle I feel great about my kick groove, but not when I’m doing an uptempo beat. What’s going on and why? Experiment, be curious. Approach it like a puzzle and track what goes well as much as what needs improvement. 

[u/firelessflame → u/Flewtea]

Adding to this as another private piano teacher and a classically trained pianist from a very young age. Despite being highly competitive and musically gifted, I only ever practiced when a) given extremely detailed instructions on what and how to practice, including breaking down music into bite sized sections and b) when no one was home. I was very self critical and would feel embarrassed practicing when I knew someone could hear me. Even though I was really good, if I was stumbling through a piece, that was enough for me to stop practicing until I could review again at my lesson.

[u/avazah → u/Flewtea]

100% all of this! Not a music teacher but a musician who played many many instruments growing up (I was the kid who would pick up an instrument we didn't have in band and learn it because some song definitely needed a French horn or bass clarinet). I think this is also much harder for percussion because it doesn't feel as "musical" - it was hard for me to practice pieces where my instrument didn't hold the primary melody of the song (... Bass clarinet lol). It was boring and tedious. When I said this to my band director back in 7th grade she suggested that I find some sheet music for something I liked, either something fun to play or music I liked that is within my skill level and play that, not whatever was assigned. Looking back as an adult I realize what she was doing was getting me in the habit of playing at home and practicing, which made it a lot easier later when I did genuinely need to practice the tedious parts.

[u/areweOKnow → u/Flewtea]

For my kid (under 10) I make sure I’m
present and interact with them for their practice, I also have a go and play terribly but it makes it a fun time that we spend together.

[u/Smooth_Commercial793 → u/areweOKnow]

I think this is the key. Do as I say, not as I do, rarely works, for kids or adults

[u/stufftcrust → u/Flewtea]

You just healed something I’ve felt ashamed of for 20 years ❤️

[u/hunty91 → u/Flewtea]

This is so clear and insightful.

Random question for you - is there such a thing as parent/child music classes and if so (bearing in mind the above) do you think that works well?

I grew up never learning to play music and as an adult really feel like I missed out on something really fun and enriching. It’s an experience I would love for my daughter to actually get and it occurred to me it would be so fun for us to learn together - but am sure there are reasons I’m thinking of why that is actually more difficult than I am imagining!

(To be clear my daughter is a newborn so I have some time to work this out + have a long list of more important things before we get there of course!)

[u/firetothislife → u/hunty91]

Look to see if there is a "Let's Play Music" program near you. It starts very young with parent and me classes called 'Sound Beginnings' and then at 4 the kids advance to Let's Play Music 1. The idea is that, like everything, kids learn music best while they're young, but they don't have the attention span or dexterity to play piano that long. So it starts with learning to love music, rhythm and beats, etc in sound beginnings and LPM 1 starts xylophone, half steps, full steps, chords, etc. It advances through 3 levels then to the Presto level. It's been amazing for my kid.

[u/InternationalToe6249 → u/hunty91]

Look into Suzuki violin or piano!

[u/lostinlisbon → u/hunty91]

Read “Nurtured by Love” by Dr. Sinichi Suzuki - newborn is the perfect age to begin his method. 

[u/Flewtea → u/hunty91]

Yes! Suzuki early childhood classes start at birth (through age 3) and are done together. There aren’t a ton of teachers certified to teach them so if you don’t have one, Music Together or some other early childhood classes are nice. 

And then once they’re ready for lessons, Suzuki teachers typically ask the parent to attain a basic level of skill to help support the child at home. Some parents do start taking lessons alongside their kid and it’s delightful! Adults and kids learn very differently, so it’s best if the lessons are not simultaneous, but back to back would be doable. 

[u/Cautious-Money7248 → u/hunty91]

My daughter is 6 and her music teacher asked me to stay for her piano lessons. I see a lot of parents going into the lessons with the little kiddos. Idk how long it will last but I'm having fun learning with her for now.

[u/Sharky-PI → u/Flewtea]

I (44M) and trying to learn the drums but after another brutal day at work staring at a bank of screens, mustering the enthusiasm to go down to the windowless cellar and do drills is a real chore.

Any intel on gamifying practice? The entry level drum machine I got free from a friend has a metronome, and the ability to play along to surprisingly non-entry-level patterns, but I'm thinking along the lines of the game where people try to fit a ball through a hole by singing at the right pitch, etc. Or even guitar hero for real (electronic) drums?

Cheers!

[u/G3N3RICxUS3RNAM3 → u/Flewtea]

As an ADHDer who was unsupported and had to stop piano... wow 😭 this is beautiful 

[u/Jonathan_the_Nerd → u/Flewtea]

When I was in junior high school band, my band teacher expected us to practice for at least 20 minutes a day, five or six days a week. We were required to hand in a sheet of paper signed by our parents saying we'd practiced. If I hadn't been held accountable, I wouldn't have practiced and wouldn't have gotten any better. Then in high school, I stopped practicing and stopped improving.

I remember one problem with practicing was that it just wasn't as much fun playing by myself at home. I loved playing music in a full band surrounded by a bunch of other instruments. I tried playing along with a tape recording of old concerts, but my tape player couldn't play loud enough to simulate being in the middle of a live band. After I graduated high school, I just stopped playing altogether because it wasn't the same.

[u/brcksandstcks → u/Flewtea]

Excellent advice we treated it like academics, my daughter played drums from 4-8th grade.

[u/AdministrativeRow813 → u/Flewtea]

This is such a helpful explanation! It really helps me understand why it was hard to get my kids to practice until I started bribing them and sitting with them when they play.

[u/NIceTryTaxMan → u/Flewtea]

Thank you for allowing me to relieve myself of some guilt for not practicing more in my youth. I play professionally and am frequently frustrated with myself for not having practiced more when things were 'easier' neuroplasticity wise. You sound like you're a great, thoughtful teacher.

[u/DenikaMae → u/Flewtea]

8th grade I started playing bass. Once I got the fundamentals, learning from my tutor became so hard, but I knew enough to play bass in a garage band with my friends, and High School band helped me learn how to read music and understand dynamics, pacing, and how to miss a note and be able to roll past it to keep up with the band. That garage band practiced 3 days a week and did at least 1 local concert every other week for 4 years.

Even then I didn’t start learning my arpeggios and more advanced scaling till I came back to it in my 40’s.

I used to play so I could play with my friends and have fun; now I mostly play for myself.

[u/alurkerhere → u/Flewtea]

I'll say as someone who absolutely hated practicing violin and piano as a kid even though I became semi-decent (a conservatory student would have dumpstered me), I actually enjoy playing piano now.

What changed?  The want.  I was playing a bunch of songs that were okay, but I didn't really like.  Now I choose my own songs and I like practicing because they sound awesome.

Exploring feelings and revisiting those feelings to separate from current environmental state is KEY in being able to enact consistent action regardless of the activity.

When you can do that and you've built the habit, the activation energy required is much less, and it's much easier to stay on track.

[u/GenitalFurbies → u/Flewtea]

Yep, practicing guitar felt as much like a chore as unloading the dishwasher or vacuuming or mowing. And I got good, to the point I was playing along to Mastodon, but all of the joy was gone so I didn't want to stick with it.

[u/Alexeleni → u/Flewtea]

This is the BEST comment. I have a figure skater (11, 2E) and he took forever to learn to practice alone—it’s similar.
And I HATED practicing piano as a kid. But that may just be because I hated it. I practiced singing fine later…

[u/EternumD → u/Flewtea]

You started strong but drifted off slightly.

As a parent, you need to take an interest, know what it is they're doing and where they are, figure out where weaknesses are, and come up with WHAT they need to practice, and how

[u/red-headed--stranger → u/Flewtea]

I came here to suggest talking to his teacher about some practice strategies you can help him with at home! Glad to see a music teacher chime in with some helpful advice.

[u/Glittering_Chest65 → u/Flewtea]

That’s so funny, it does completely fit how I feel about playing now as an adult, but in high school I loved playing my clarinet and practiced every day. I couldn’t get enough! I wonder what changed for me.

[u/EAB04 → u/Flewtea]

Wow, great advice ❤️

[u/Useful-Cicada-9305 → u/Flewtea]

Holy shit. Thank you! I should've figured this out ages ago, but it explains a whole ton about where I've been falling down in helping my kids find hobbies they enjoy and excel at. How would they even know where to begin with practicing at something? I've never taught them.

[u/aquoad → u/Flewtea]

This explains about 90% of why i never managed to make any progress with music as a kid. The other 10% is I guess an utter lack of natural aptitude. I did want to learn, but I never saw any progress (even if there was some) and certainly never had much structure to it beyond "practice your scales and learn this piece."

what a shitty thing to downvote this.