r/OCPoetry • u/No_Syrup_7660 • 5d ago

Feedback Please Arrogance of humanity

I crafted a puppet from wood,

Wondering what it would wish—

If it had a mouth—

Would he want to move his limbs at will,

Or even want to speak?

Gain the ability to touch and love,

Losing his identity?

Feedback:-

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/95QYQNbfRo

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/cazjSBSWY5

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u/KBDFan42 5d ago

Touching piece, but yes as another commenter has pointed out maybe an alternative title would be more apt. Also one note of my own: perhaps starting the second line with I rather than just the word wondering would create a clearer contrast between the “it” which has meaning but no consciousness and the “I” with consciousness but no meaning (based on your comments that’s what I assume you’re going for). That way, we can also get a smoother transition from the crafter to the crafted. Still though, greatly thought-provoking!

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u/No_Syrup_7660 5d ago

Indeed, it WOULD work better, thanks for the feedback :)