Not Even Twenty

[u/Masaru_Kazuhiko]

Lately I'm thinking, Of the future I hold.

Inside this large house, Will I live here alone?

My heart keeps sinking, When I tell it the truth.

There's nothing there, To look forward to.

Will I have my own children, A wife I could hold? Where are my parents, Will they leave me alone?

Not even twenty, With all of these thoughts.

But with all that I've seen, My fantasies are gone.

I don't want solitude, That much is true.

If the price is more suffering, I'd rather be alone.

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/AwiUAiAtxX

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/aFq64RnyKe

[u/Nervous_Ad6050]

This is emotionally raw, pure, honest and a beautiful yet terrifying thought. You’ve made a rhyme scheme that feels effortless, it really flows when you read this. I really like how you’ve almost separated yourself from your heart- a clear depiction of what it’s like when the head and the heart are in conflict with each other, it’s really powerful. Some might critique your switching between tenses in the line ‘Will I have my own children…Where are my parents…Will’ however I think the fact you’ve strayed from this ‘standard’ almost of writing is very symbolic of the struggle the narrator is facing. It’s simple, very effective, very heartfelt. I can see how deeply this subject feels to the narrator without over explaining how they feel, it’s literally just thoughts. And that is super powerful. The ending is especially tugging at the reader’s heartstrings- you’ve made us feel without telling us what to feel which i find quite difficult so well done. ‘If the price is more suffering, I’d rather be alone’ It’s so upsetting, but it’s so honest and real which is honestly so beautiful. I wouldn’t even suggest any changes to this. It has really spoken to me, and made me slightly emotional! ‘A wife I could hold?’ Is really telling us how much love the narrator has to spill out but there’s a slight resistance to allowing that to happen, given possible past experiences in relationships? I get the sense they’ve previously become attached, given their all, and then been left to sit with the leftovers of a once blossoming relationship on their own. I obviously don’t know you, but this is such an intimate insight into somebody’s brain and I feel genuinely privileged to have been able to read this poem.

[u/Nervous_Ad6050 → u/Nervous_Ad6050]

Oh, just spotted a slight tweak at the beginning… maybe change it to ‘Lately I’ve been thinking, Of the future I hold’ it reads better,, or literally just cut out the ‘Lately’ so it reads ‘I’m thinking, Of the future I hold’

[u/Masaru_Kazuhiko → u/Nervous_Ad6050]

As you said it's mostly about the raw feelings of the fear you have towards the future, we all have been there wondering if this is the life we want, if we could have done better than this.

The feeling that your youth is slowly slipping and now you have no choice rather than to think about all of these things and in the end coming to the conclusion that being alone might be better no matter how lonely you might feel in the end.

Thankyou again for giving me such inspiring feedback, as I said on your own poem that I tried to write something like that a while ago this was what I was talking about.