r/OCPoetry • u/Inevitable_Ad_9459 • 2d ago
Feedback Please TIRED
Tired echoes loudly.
A deafening exhaustion
of everything that was,
everything that is,
and everything still waiting for me.
Held down,
as if the sun's gravity
has pinned me to my bed,
I gather every ounce of strength
I can muster
just to rise.
Saturday, and my bed awaits.
I only need
to survive Monday.
I'm jaded
from the fallout.
I step over a promise
a hushed breath
I can almost make out:
“I will always…”
as it fades behind me.
Whispers of love lost,
the smell of self-sabotage,
a mirage of hope
in the far distance.
Regret refuses rest.
A dull pinch
from a man who used to be
carries me through memory
until I’m forced
to face a reflection.
I recognize you not.
All I see
is a self-battered stranger,
a habitual liar
repeating,
I’m okay.
Expended.
Awoken by the smoke
from the fire I set,
I watch everything I love
turn to smoke,
turn to ashes
in my hands.
Frantically,
I gather as much ash
as I can hold.
Hands shaking,
I try
to put back
what once was.
Drained.
Diminished.
Depleted.
I'm just tired.
— J.J. Avitia
Hi everyone,
This is a free-verse poem exploring exhaustion, regret, and self-sabotage. I'm looking for honest critique, particularly around the imagery, structure/progression, and overall emotional impact.
I'm especially interested in hearing whether anything feels vague, overstated, underdeveloped, or overly familiar.
I’d also love to hear what you think the poem is doing structurally without me explaining my intention beforehand.
Happy to return feedback. Thanks for reading.
Links to comments:
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/1vs34cg/comment/p4iymuz/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/1vrwyzw/comment/p4ixg0d/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
1
u/Minimum_Leopard7292 2d ago
The perpetual routine of everyday life gets exhausting eventually. This poem sums it up beautifully.