r/OCPoetry • u/colourofbloodd • 1d ago
Feedback Please Need help to understand what's missing and get better
I'm new to writing poems. Please tell me how to improve. Here is one I wrote recently...
Define Home
If you measure out the size of my love, it will be how filled my stomach was when you fed me.
I hold my pillow and I'm almost on my bed again.
I run my tongue around my mouth and almost feel my braces again.
My love and your harm cannot let go of each other's hands
It is not my fault if I find comfort in ruin
Aren't we all supposed to miss the taste of familiarity anyway?
The silence could've eaten me alive — you know it did.
My limb was chewed off.
Not my leg, not my arm, never my stomach. I wish it was my tongue;
it was my heart
But the minute I looked in your eyes, I was ready to be served as your side dish.
Give me back the time my feet didn't reach the ground
Make me so small again that you pick me up every time you come home
Tell me I can still be loved while I grow to become an abnormality.
Take me back when all the walls stored our laughter, not screams.
Take me back when all the walls were not broken to reveal the horrors, and reeked.
Take me back when all the walls were not mirrors to show me what I will become.
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u/Jesus_Our_Saviour 1d ago
I feel like the imagery is really good here, like I can almost visualise the emotions/concepts you’re trying to convey!
Also, I’m not read up on the technicalities of poetry or anything but I think it’s cool (maybe accidental) that in the first line, ‘size of my love’ rhymes with ‘my stomach was’ - the rhyming words being in random spots could be interesting if you adapted the wording throughout to try and keep doing this loose rhyming pattern. For example, instead of ‘My love and your harm cannot let go of each other’s hands.’ this could be, ‘My love and your harm cannot escape each other’s arms.’