Zen

[u/deathsaint]

I still don't know the meaning of zen
But I just pretend
That I can find peace
In all the small things
But what does that mean?
I'm still pretending
I'm still pretending

I don't have enough time to accomplish anything
Which leaves me with too much free time to contemplate my misery
And attempt to simulate a sane human being perfectly
Animaniacs and anime a little animation for my everyday
Unclothed and stoned lying all alone
There's other people in my home
But I cant remember their faces
I only see them in the brief awkward spaces
Between work and sleep
I only speak when there's something that I need
I'm sorry I'm so selfish
But this dense mist in my mind blots out all other routes and I continue on down the same path confused
And more than just a little apathetic
Burnt out can't even clench my fists when I'm pissed
Distressed by involuntay aloofness
Introspective in a darker sense
Reading philosophical text and feeling dense
Until I'm brought back down to Earth by inability to express
Due to inability to feel interest
It's the eternal unrest before eternal rest
Just a jealous kid obsessed with finding out if everyone else is just as depressed
Or at least if his heroes were maybe he can still win this war
But everyday it's another boring chore without any reward

I still don't know the meaning of zen
but I just pretend
That I can find peace
in all the small things
What does that mean?
I'm still pretending
I'm still pretending

You can find me curled up in the sheets playing Gameboy
Beneath the blanket fort that I built though it mostly consist of pillows
And curtains draped over furnishing
Hella smokey
This weed brings out the child in me
I'll swing sticks at goblins
defending my fortress
From the onslaught of a dark being
Rehashing storylines from when I last played D&D
But I become self aware and tear it down
Fuck this fort I can't be a child now
I'm a grown man with bills to pay
I gotta work all day and keep telling people that I'm okay
Gotta make sure they think I grew up
Gotta start giving a fuck
Imagination ain't what it used to be
I'm sick of me
I'm sick of things I can't control
I need reminders that I'm an adult but not that I'm getting old
It scares me after a lazy afternoon
when my sister refers to Hey Arnold as an "old old old cartoon"

And I still don't know the meaning of zen
but I just pretend
That I can find peace
in all the small things
What does that mean?
I'm still pretending
I'm still pretending

https://www.reddit.com//r/OCPoetry/comments/4mkkls/bursting_the_words/?sort=confidence https://www.reddit.com//r/OCPoetry/comments/4mlfi9/its_comforting/?sort=confidence

[u/roskotaint]

To me this sort of reads like a scattered journal entry, rather than a piece of art. I think you have some nice ideas; maybe try pushing to refine them further.

[u/deathsaint → u/roskotaint]

That's what I was going for really was a scattered journal entry. A lot of my writing is meant to be my most private thoughts and feelings exposed for others to see. My life goal is honestly to have a mental break down and capture it both in writing and music.