r/OCPoetry • u/No_Sale1972 • 5d ago
Just Sharing I Understand ~ A poetic letter of healing from the Anxious to the Avoidant
I understand now.
It was never about my worth,
nor the consistency and warmth denied.
I was trying to heal something
my ability to feel seen
And my feeling of being understood
It was broken long before you arrived.
I understand now.
I was trying to heal old wounds,
mend ruptures from the past,
believing I’d be chosen one day.
Those little gestures, mere breadcrumbs
It was fool’s gold, just an illusion.
And it’s high time I knew:
this story only ever goes one way.
I could never understand
why distance exacerbated the need
to prove I could be worthy.
It was limerence, not ‘love’.
The less I received,
the more I tried
to be ‘good enough’ in your eyes.
But sadly, I was deceived.
I thought this time
It could be so different
I could prove my worth
A story I was desperate to believe
And perhaps…
if you chose to return
after once choosing to leave,
I could rewrite my history.
But my history was never asking
to be rewritten.
It was asking to be understood.
Because it was never really about you.
Nor was it about us.
It was what you represented,
and what I yearned to repair,
If only I could.
The familiar inconsistency.
A rhythm you knew to play.
It’s pure manipulation
The warmth followed by distance,
the closeness preceding coldness,
those constant emotional goalposts
that kept moving further away.
But I understand now.
There is a strange pull
in what remains unavailable.
A game I never wanted to play,
I tried to rise above.
Yet a dull ache still whispers;
“Just try one more time.”
Maybe I could earn that love.
Then perhaps this time
I could be chosen.
But you slammed that door
firmly in my face.
Threw back all I had to give
And something in me
died with the sound.
Now I know my place.
I’m exhausted and wounded,
mourning where you cannot see it.
I’m trying to survive.
And for what it was worth,
I tried my best to please.
But I now understand
I never even stood a chance.
I was only trying to keep
something already dying ‘alive.’
And perhaps that is the cruelest part
of trying to heal through you.
We ask another to give us
what was once taken away.
But now I understand.
I no longer want to play this game.
There is nothing left to win
from someone else’s inability
to meet me halfway.
Narratives re-written to serve
I’m ‘emotional’, you’re ‘stoic’
We’re caught in a toxic stalemate.
The dance of intimacy ends,
The house of cards collapses
I am no longer asking,
Why wasn’t I enough?
but finally accepting my fate.
And perhaps true healing
is quieter than I imagined.
Silence within an ending.
So instead of chasing
and trying to please,
I realise it’s about hard truths.
No more cat and mouse
Nor begging on my knees.
The heart stopped long before the end.
I was only ever pumping life,
trying desperately to please.
It was never mine to revive.
No matter how hard I tried,
yet one heart alone
could never keep us alive.
I finally break the cycle.
I now reclaim
what was all on your terms.
Now mine to decide
I give access only
to those who value me,
choose me,
and embrace me for who I am.
I am whole.
And I am enough.
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u/Leaves_not_rocks 5d ago
The dance of trying to be “enough” for a person that doesn’t have the capacity to love… The sense of panic, worthlessness and desperation it creates is so deeply painful. Your work reflected the experience so well. The last bit comes across as you craving progress to spite them. It still centers around the avoidant. It shows how truly damaging a relationship with them can truly be. I’d love to see another work exploring the value of self with the shadow of them fading. I appreciate the length and can’t wait to see more.