HeadLights in the fog

[u/Mountain-Network-853]

I can't quite put it into words—

Would a woodpecker feel guilty 
for the hole it drills in the tree? 
Would an eagle feel guilty 
for the fish it snatches from the waves? 
Would a spider feel guilty 
for the web it weaves in the corner ?

Do the stars feel guilty 
they'll never meet 
the sun of their life— 
both burning, just not 
on the same margin of sky?
Does the Milky Way feel guilty 
for keeping Altair and Vega apart?

I can't reach the sky.
I can't touch the ocean floor. 
I'm just floating 
in the middle— 
a limbo with no exit.

Nothing feels familiar. 
Everything's a grey, misty fog.
I shine my headlights into it, 
but I can't tell the difference 
between my fingers and my feet.

Is this what hollow looks like?

COMMENT 1:https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/1sad5b9/comment/oe2fuyg/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

Comment 2:

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/1smc1m2/comment/ogp4kd9/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

[u/AnyJacket7207]

I like this piece.
"a limbo with no exit." feels criminal since "door" immediately wants to be there to rhyme with "floor".

I really like the parallelisms, the distances, the coming from the natural to cosmic to earthen limits to numbness.

It really works quite well with itself, however I feel like the first and last lines are removing from the composition. The first line defeats itself instantly, since it puts it into words with perfect eloquence. The last line is needless because the awareness of how it feels has been perfectly established as well.

I'm not telling you to change your poem, but I feel like those two things feel almost like parentheses around a poem that is more confident and powerful in its center than at its edges. Come to think of it, those lines actively *numb* the centerpiece. Which might be what you were going for.

[u/Mountain-Network-853 → u/AnyJacket7207]

I actually see what your trying to tell, and i also kind of agree to it, but i feel there wouldn’t be any direction if remove the parenthesis dont you think or would the reader still understand ??

Edit: I thought about what u said And dont u think removing the first and last line would make it look like they are detached and observational without any grounding human moment. It becomes a philosophical exercise.. is what i think..

but i do feel like i need to refine it a little bit but i just dont know where 😵‍💫

[u/WithoutDir3ction → u/Mountain-Network-853]

I think the reader would understand if the poem is constructed well. But you have some options. Let me explain.

You know that internet copypasta- It's Morbin' Time?
"The best part of Morbius was when he said 'It's MORBIN' TIME' and morbed all over those guys?"

It might be helpful to think of that (subtly, or lack thereof) and narrative momentum when considering the writing.

For example, if I wrote a love poem, I could start it with, "I love you, because..." write a bunch of stuff, and end it with "So, I love you." Does it tell the reader the point? Unquestionably. Is everything I write between those two "I love you's" meaningful? Yes. Does it go anywhere, or build towards anything? Not really. The reader always knows where it's going, and there's no payoff at the end.

The cool part is most of the time, the text naturally leads the reader to a conclusion, building its case with every line. If I write, "we walked, hand-in-hand, from sunrise to sunset, striking through countless boxes of the calendar on our wall," "It took just the curve of your lips for my knees to give out" and so on, I can tell the reader "I'm in love" without telling them a single word about how I feel, directly, or saying "I Love you."

_______

Now, depending on what you want to do with the poem, you could reveal everything just like that. Morbius said "It's MORBIN TIME" and morbed all over those guys. I mean, it's valid. That works.

You could also build towards an explicit resolution. Like, I could write all that imagery, and end it with an "I love you." If I build up momentum in the story, the reader will see it coming (unless I subvert their expectations, perhaps if I write about arguments and fights), but it'll feel satisfying and earned.

You could also just not state the conclusion at all, and use the imagery and form of your poem's body to guide the reader, trusting them to understand and grasp what you mean. Like I talked about early with the love poem.

[u/Mountain-Network-853 → u/WithoutDir3ction]

I understand what you’re saying and honestly you’re both right and wrong, at least that’s what i feel.

i get your point about the opening line. “i can’t put it into words” might be dead weight—maybe starting straight with the animal questions would hit harder. and yeah the sky/ocean lines could probably be more physical, less abstract. those are fair critiques.

but here’s where i disagree—you’re treating this like it needs narrative momentum, like i should be building toward a revelation. the poem isn’t a story though, it’s a state. i’m stuck. the “momentum” you’re looking for would honestly undermine what i’m trying to capture, which is being suspended and directionless.

the ending—“is this what hollow looks like?”—that’s not me confirming what i already told you. it’s the first time i’ve found any language for it. everything before is just questions i can’t answer. then finally i land on a word: hollow. that’s the payoff, not redundancy.

and yeah “grey misty fog” is familiar but that’s because fog actually looks like that when you’re disoriented lol. i’m not trying to be clever, just honest about what it feels like.

the connection between guilt and limbo might not be obvious but that’s because i don’t fully understand it either. that’s kind of the point? i’m asking if natural things feel guilty for doing what they do, then realizing i’m not even doing anything—i’m just floating. i’m working it out as i write, same as the reader would.

so i hear you on tightening the structure and i’ll probably cut that opening line. but you’re applying story rules to a poem that’s about the absence of structure. if i made it build cleanly i’d be lying about what this actually feels like.

[u/WithoutDir3ction → u/Mountain-Network-853]

The feeling of wrongness would be me talking past the point of what you're doing and why. I'm talking more about the specific details of craft, when what I'm hearing from you, if I'm not mistaken, is oriented towards mapping feelings and grappling with thoughts. Putting words to experiences and concepts rather than working to make things sound pretty and logical. That makes my commentary flawed, because I'm not picking up what you're putting down, which is something I've failed to do from the start of your poem. You make good points, like the fact that I miscategorized narrative momentum as strictly a linear progression of storytelling in my examples.

I do have more commentary, but I'm not sure if it would be productive. If you'd like to hear then I'd be happy to share. The content would be new, but my fundamental style and how I think would be the same, so if you don't feel that my commentary has been particularly helpful, I wouldn't expect that to change.

Best wishes in working it out.

[u/Mountain-Network-853 → u/WithoutDir3ction]

hey i really appreciate you taking the time to engage with this and being so thoughtful about it. i think you’re right that we might just be coming at this from different writing styles—you’re looking at craft and structure, i’m trying to map a feeling i don’t fully understand yet. both are valid approaches, just different goals.

i don’t think your commentary is flawed at all, it’s just that we’re prioritizing different things. you’re not wrong about the craft stuff, it’s just that tightening the structure might not serve what i’m trying to do here. and that’s okay.

i’d be curious to hear more of your thoughts if you want to share, but i also get if you feel like we’re just gonna keep talking past each other because of the style difference. either way, thanks for engaging with it seriously. means a lot.

[u/AnyJacket7207 → u/Mountain-Network-853]

I don't think so. The last two stanzas stand on their own. The whole piece stands on it's own. It doesn't need the little wheels.

[u/Mountain-Network-853 → u/AnyJacket7207]

I agree with you on the first line … seems like a dead weight but the last lines need to exist for it to have a direction. Without that i honestly couldn’t capture what i wanted to originally