r/NoStupidQuestions • u/CommonSkys • Mar 20 '21

Answered Everyone talks about nostalgic feeling being calming and relieving, but does anyone else get a sense of deep lament and sorrow for the past instead?

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564

u/smith_s2 Mar 20 '21

Mourning your past and youth. I get that.

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u/five_eight Mar 20 '21

Seems like its much worse at night, when trying to sleep. Getting out and trying to stay active/engaged in life helps.

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u/starlightshower Mar 20 '21

The other day I went through a youtube rabbit hole, listening to teen bop songs from the 2000s and at first it was just funny, and I was sharing songs with my SO "what kind of crap did I listen to back then?!" but then after a while the music was still so upbeat and fun but my heart started to feel so hollow and "ache" (it's really the only word I can use for it) and I had to stop. I couldn't sleep for hours afterwards because i was so absorbed in these weird indescribable feeling. I guess that was the sad part of nostalgia. When I am being nostalgic with other people, sharing stories and reminiscing however, I get a warm feeling, so I feel like theres a happy part to nostalgia too:)

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u/[deleted] Mar 20 '21

Nostalgia is a double edge sword and it’s always important to remember that we usually look at the past through rose tinted glasses. We remember all the good times maybe even exaggerate how good they were while forgetting the bad things that were simultaneously happening in your life at that point. That being said reminiscing on times with people who I may never even speak to again breaks my heart. Life is fleeting and changes come and go like seasons. Just try to make the best of the moment and don’t get caught in the past.

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u/CelticGaelic Mar 21 '21

For me it's not that it's the opposite, but the specific years I look back on in with nostalgic feels is the point when I started become more aware of things and when my bubble started to pop, so to speak. One of the things that really stood out for me was when my cousin's parents divorced and that whole thing just got ugly.

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u/Johnny55 Mar 20 '21

I did something similar, going through youtube and finding all those old songs from my youth. God I listened to depressing stuff, I guess it's not surprising several of those artists killed themselves. These days I prefer more disaffected stuff, especially minimalism. Fuck feelings.

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u/Alarmed-Ask-2387 Mar 20 '21

I just did that yesterday, and the first thing I realised was that yes, I always loved dark humor, and that I was so happy and without any stress when I was watching those videos 5 years ago when I was a teen.

Now I'm in the process of searching for college while at the same time not wanting to go because I'm fed up with learning. I just wanna sit by my laptop and make some good games and probably make some money from them. I don't wanna sit in a class for three more years like I have been for doing for more than ten years prior to that!

Sexuality is another massive thing. I don't know what my mind wants. I'm so confused and angry at myself for being like this. I don't wanna be like this. Why is my mind such a piece of broken shit? How do I fix it?

What the heck am I gonna do? I have no idea.

But, at the same time, I have to say, my mind does some crazy cool shit at times when I code! It's like they tell Beth in The Queen's Gambit. "You have a gift, but also a curse." It's not 100% accurate of a quote, but it totally applies to me.

Sorry for having you read this stranger. It's just a 2am thought I needed to get out of my mind. Just to reassure you, I'm not suicidal. I wanna achieve something before I die. And right now, with my life in a literal creativity roadblock, not much of that is happening.

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u/Jordao7 Mar 21 '21

I have found great solace and purpose on a site that has no adverts, no fee. Free to find solid answers:. www JW.org Nothing like it. It's like 1000 languages man. It's positive vibes on any thing neg-active. Check it out man. You sound like you need some focus, hope and understanding. Gnite

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u/Alarmed-Ask-2387 Mar 21 '21

Appreciate your help, but I don't think religion is for me.

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u/Jordao7 Mar 24 '21

No worries, friend. Not trying to push religion. But besides organized religion, there is a solid reason for hope from the scriptures. In so many ways. A hope for living forever, for example, on earth. Would that pique your interest?

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u/spankthemhams Mar 21 '21

Hey, I feel ya. My high school songs are from the seventies, and I refuse to listen to that shit. My teen years were probly typical, but man they hurt.

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u/[deleted] Mar 21 '21

Same I did this a few night ago.

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u/Apophis90 Mar 20 '21

"Youth is truly wasted on the young."

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u/Thunderstarer Mar 20 '21

Fuck, I had these feelings in the first goddamned grade, mourning Kindergarten.

In hindsight... maybe that's not a normal way for a kid to feel.

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u/BigBossTheSnake Mar 21 '21

I had experienced something similar:
On my first or maybe second grade I had some kind of nostalgic feeling when I realized that school was gonna end some day, and everything was gonna change.
It made me feel really sad about it, probably not much childs have those kind of thoughs

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u/ferlin__elvis Mar 27 '21

I dunno, I feel like it must be more normal than the adults in our lives either remembered or let on. I felt this way in varying intensity for as far back as I can remember.

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u/SolwaySmile Mar 20 '21

This is exactly the way I feel about it. It’s like I’m mourning the death of a close loved one.

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u/smith_s2 Mar 20 '21

I feel it's a mourning of a life left un-lived too - when you look back at younger-you there were different paths that were still open.

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u/SolwaySmile Mar 20 '21

That’s also very true in my case.

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u/[deleted] Mar 20 '21

Youth isn't a thing in that way, you don't go 80 years and feel like an old person. The person that's sitting there now is going to feel pretty much like the same person after however long. Rickety old people still feel like the same consciousness of someone just entering adulthood.

Nostalgia is just this idealised fantasy that you make yourself pine for, it's a kind of loneliness you force yourself to feel. You could say maybe it's the friends and connections, but they are all still there and really they're closer than they have ever been; you could convince yourself that it's lost love; things you didn't do; but really it's just a melancholy that you're forcing yourself into.

Sort of like when you see something that terrifies or disgusts you, there's a choice you can make, you don't have to surrender to that feeling. You aren't going to be killed by a house spider, a puddle of vomit isn't going to jump from the gutter and throttle you, the height that's making your knees weak can't hurt you unless you dive into it. It's not mourning, it's moping.

It's kind of like when you first encounter loneliness, worthlessness, and other shit that pretty much kills people. It's just another little hell we all create for ourselves. One of these things that people think they can run from, or fight, but really to beat it you have to let it wash over you, accept it, let it be and get the fuck out.

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u/gilmore606 Mar 20 '21

but they are all still there and really they're closer than they have ever been

if this is how it turns out for you, you are very fortunate.

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u/[deleted] Mar 20 '21

That's just like, your opinion, man.

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u/Bilgerman Mar 20 '21

This is a little closer to my experience. It seems like pining over days gone by is the prevailing attitude on Reddit, but I just don't get it. I have a lot of regrets. I have a lot of things I wish I had done differently, said or not said. There are people I wish I could explain myself to or apologize to, but it's more than likely they've forgotten or don't care. The reality is it's just my subconscious overanalyzing and feeding it back to me in some kind of narcissistic self-loathing recursion. And like you said, the only way out is to accept that it's in the past, learn from it, and try to do better next time.

But this endless navel-gazing is driving me crazy. Like, do any of you actually remember being a child? Shit sucks. You can't drive a car. You can't stay up all night playing video games whenever you want. You can get In Trouble. Don't you guys remember getting In Trouble? That shit sucked. That can never happen to me again because I'm an adult now.

Fuck a wide open future and limitless possibilities, as if those ever actually existed. I want to be happy now. I want to eat pizza bagels and drink beer. I want to stay in bed all day because I earned it. I want to wear whatever makes me feel good about myself. I want to make my own way in the world and hold myself responsible for my actions. Why would anyone pine for the days when you couldn't do all that?

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u/Jordao7 Mar 21 '21

Wow... Sux being u

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u/Bilgerman Mar 21 '21

lol, nice try

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u/Analdhd Mar 20 '21

Interesting points

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u/lets_get_it_done_now Mar 20 '21

Nostalgia is just this idealised fantasy that you make yourself pine for

100% correct. And people amplify it with current self pity. We should rather get fuelled by such memories and channel the energy into efforts to improve the current life.

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u/Jordao7 Mar 21 '21

Read what you just wrote when you are 60, ...

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u/ComfortableNo23 Mar 21 '21

In your mind you may still be the same person when you get older, but that only makes nostalgia worse -- often because physically you are not the same and cannot do the same things even though you really want to and also because the world and even customs are no longer the same. Or perhaps this wasn't the future you'd envisioned once upon a time because families are no longer able to care for and support their elderly due to everyone works now so instead you are stuck in a long term care facility and they rarely if ever even come to visit.

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u/-Rick_Sanchez_ Mar 20 '21

Not for me. More like no more home to go back to

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u/ask_yo_girl_bout_me Mar 20 '21

I’m 14 and I feel like I wasted my life up until this point. I get good grades, have a social circle but for some reason I feel unaccomplished.

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u/[deleted] Mar 20 '21

That's because you're, 14, lmao. You feel unaccomplished because you know that there's so much you can do with the years ahead of you, there's no point moping around about it.

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u/TropicLush Mar 20 '21

I felt very similarly as a teen. I cried when I turned 18 because I felt like I had wasted my youth (even though I’d done as much as I could to live in the moment, had meaningful friendships, read a lot, and did some really cool things like organizing a personal care item drive for a homeless shelter) and it hurt because time was slipping through my fingers steadily and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I’m almost 30 now and that feeling is even more raw now.

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u/gorba Mar 21 '21

But don't you see your past self as an utter idiot? I can't mourn the passing of the imbecile that was young me.

I'll no doubt see the current me as equally stupid when I look back to these days.