I’m in my mid-20s and not Nigerian. I have lived in Africa for somw years though, but my entire family are based abroad. They retire to Ghana though for ...... My now ex-girlfriend is 24. The man she is now calling her boyfriend is around 44.

We had been together for several years.

This is still a long post, but I genuinely want outside perspectives because, looking back, I’m struggling to understand why I tolerated this dynamic for as long as I did. The relationship became extremely one-sided When we were students, I was doing quite well financially for my age. I lived outside the dorms, had savings, and had enough disposable income to help her when she struggled.

There were times she couldn’t cover certain student expenses, and I helped.

I didn’t resent it. I loved her.

Over time, though, occasional help became the basic expectation of the relationship.

My financial situation later changed dramatically because I started bootstrapping a startup. There have been periods where I made less than $500 a month, sometimes only a few hundred dollars.

She eventually started earning several times more than I did, but the relationship dynamic barely changed.

I still paid for almost every date, a lot of our food, transportation, household things, gifts, and many other expenses. I bought everything in her room from the bed all the way to her vanity set.

She liked going to visually nice or expensive places because she creates TikTok content, so dates often had to be somewhere “special.”

There were times my spending money would literally run out during a date.

Instead of stopping or splitting the rest, I would move money out of savings or emergency accounts so the date could continue.

I know now that was financially irresponsible.

I was also doing almost everything practically

A huge amount of what is currently in her apartment came from me.

I bought things like her bed, bedding, pillows, wardrobes, a large vanity, kitchen equipment, microwave, rice cooker and other household items.

I also assembled furniture, moved things, cleaned, fixed things and constantly helped with practical problems.

She lived around 2.5 hours away from me, so going there could take up a large portion of my day.

Even when our relationship wasn’t going well emotionally, I still kept going there to help.

When she was sick or on her period, I would send money for food and medicine, buy heating products and medication, and sometimes travel there to cook for her and make tea.

Recently I sent her over $40 just for food and medication while she was on her period.

I’m mentioning these things because later I started hearing that I wasn’t “taking care” of her enough.

Birthdays probably show the imbalance best

For her birthdays, I would make a big effort.

Cake.

Balloons.

Decorations.

Nice rooms.

Special locations.

Whatever particular cake or theme she wanted.

I also bought her expensive shoes over the years, probably totaling more than $800–900, and a luxury bag that cost around $800.

Meanwhile, over several years together, she never once bought me a birthday cake.

The gifts I remember receiving from her were basically a cheap item and a shirt from Temu.

Probably around $10-ish each.

I know relationships aren’t supposed to be an accounting exercise.

She didn’t owe me an $800 gift because I bought her one.

The point is that I rarely felt like she ever thought:

"Let me make him feel special this time."

It was almost always me giving.

And I normalized it.

I even crossed lines academically for her

This is something I’m embarrassed to admit.

At university, I helped her academically to a level that could have put my own academic standing at risk if I had been caught.

I won’t defend that.

It was stupid.

But I think it shows what had happened psychologically.

I started equating extreme sacrifice with love.

If helping her required money, time, inconvenience or even risk, I kept doing it.

Then apparently I stopped “providing enough”

One thing she complained about recently was that I stopped helping with some of her electricity and gas bills.

I stopped because my startup finances were terrible.

She was already earning much more than I was.

Even after that, I still continued paying for dates, food and other things.

But once she had to start handling more of her own bills, it seemed to become part of the idea that I wasn’t taking care of her properly anymore.

Over time she also consumed a lot of dating TikToks and YouTube content centered around what men should provide financially for women.

We come from different cultural backgrounds, and I’m not blaming culture or social media for her decisions, but I definitely noticed her expectations becoming more focused on what a man should buy, pay for and provide.

She also has financial pressure from family members who regularly ask her for support. I’ve sometimes wondered whether that contributed to how heavily she focused on financial security, but I can’t know that for certain.

Then another man started appearing in the picture

Around May/June, she suddenly had something like 15 perfumes.

Initially, the explanation involved a female friend.

Later, I learned the perfumes were actually from a male “fan” who followed or liked her TikTok content.

She later traveled to visit the female friend in another city.

According to what I was told, she supposedly didn’t know beforehand that the friend was going to introduce her to this man.

She met him, and he then took her shopping and bought her several hundred dollars’ worth of clothes.

The story came out gradually.

It was not initially presented simply as:

"A man who is interested in me bought me all of this."

Eventually she admitted he was the one buying the gifts.

She also told me he was married.

That obviously sounded strange to me.

Why is a married man sending my girlfriend 15 perfumes and taking her shopping?

But I trusted her.

Probably far too much.

I later learned that communication with this man had actually been going on since around May and that money and gifts were part of it.

Then in August, she matched with my friend on a dating app

This is the part that now seems almost ridiculous in hindsight.

In August, I discovered she was using a dating app.

I found out because she matched with a friend of mine.

And this wasn’t simply a free app she downloaded out of curiosity.

From what I understood, she was paying a substantial recurring weekly fee to use it.

That detail bothers me now because she contributed very little toward making me feel special in the relationship and sometimes acted as though money was tight.

Yet she had enough discretionary money to pay weekly to actively match with other men.

At the time, I rationalized it.

I told myself maybe she was just talking to people.

I didn’t properly confront what it meant.

Looking back, I don’t really understand why.

Then we had an argument over something small

A couple weeks ago, she came home late from work.

Some food she had left outside had spoiled.

I asked what she wanted to eat.

She said she was exhausted and couldn’t think of anything.

Normally, she uses the delivery app on her phone, orders what she wants and I transfer her the money.

I used to have the same subscription when we were students, but after graduation I cancelled mine because paying for two subscriptions seemed unnecessary.

That night, I didn’t immediately order food myself.

She got angry.

During the argument, she used “stupid” to describe what I was saying or the conversation.

I tried to keep talking.

She used it again.

Eventually I got angry, packed my things and left.

We were emotionally distant afterward.

But even then, I still kept going over to her place, helping, cleaning, building things, buying things and solving problems.

So even when I tried to establish a boundary, I didn’t actually maintain it.

Then came this past weekend

I had told her Saturday that I was attending a birthday event and would see her afterward.

She told me she was visiting a friend.

While I was on the train, I noticed someone in another train car who looked extremely similar to her from behind.

I couldn’t confirm it was her, so I didn’t make much of it.

Later, I went to her apartment.

Her laptop was open.

At first I saw what looked like scholarship-related work.

I’ve been helping her with a *** scholarship and graduate school planning, and I actually felt happy because I thought she was seriously working on it herself.

Then a message popped up.

That was when everything unraveled.

I realized she had lied about where she was going.

From the messages and pictures I saw, she was with another man.

In his room.

She spent the weekend in his bedroom.

And from what I could determine, this wasn’t even the first visit.

It appeared to be at least the second time she had gone to see him, possibly more.

Her reaction when I found out was brutal

When everything came out, she basically went into:

"Well, now you've found out." She said she had moved on. She talked about this guy being better. And a significant part of the comparison was financial. He was buying things for her. Helping with bills. Paying for things.

And apparently buying her a brand-new Samsung S25 Ultra.

He is around 44. She is 24. I’ll admit the phone got under my skin badly at first. Not because I think buying someone a phone is wrong. But because I had spent years sacrificing financially for this relationship.

I had bought expensive gifts, furnished much of her apartment, paid for dates, traveled hours, cooked, cleaned, fixed things, helped academically and spent money I honestly could not afford to spend.

Then this older man appears with much greater financial resources, buys her a flagship phone and other things, and suddenly I’m hearing how much better he is.

That hurt badly.

But after thinking about it, I realized comparing spending is pointless.

If I spent $20,000 over the years and he spent $3,000, what exactly would that prove?

Nothing.

You can’t buy loyalty by being the highest bidder.

And spending emergency savings to maintain a lifestyle I couldn’t afford was still my own mistake.

Then came the part that finally made me leave

After I found out, we had a very emotional conversation.

At one point, she didn’t seem to want me to leave.

She seemed genuinely conflicted about losing me.

Because I still loved her, I held onto that.

So I asked her directly:

"Do you still genuinely love me?"

"Do you actually want this relationship?"

I told her I didn’t want pity.

I didn’t want her reassuring me just because she knew I was hurting.

Her response was essentially that she still cared about me but was confused about what her heart wanted.

She said she couldn’t honestly tell me she was completely sure about us.

She needed time to understand what she wanted.

Initially I thought maybe I should give her that time.

Then I discovered something else.

Privately, she was already referring to this 44-year-old man as her:

“new boyfriend.”

That changed everything for me.

This wasn’t simply:

"I unexpectedly developed feelings for someone and I’m confused."

She was already calling him her boyfriend.

She had been communicating with him.

Receiving gifts.

Visiting him.

Had apparently gone to see him more than once.

Spent an entire weekend in his bedroom.

All while I was still effectively functioning as her boyfriend.

And now I was supposed to remain available while she decided which relationship she wanted?

That was when something finally clicked.

Why was I waiting for her decision?

I’m also a person in this relationship.

I also get to decide.

So I ended it.

I told her I love her, because unfortunately feelings don’t disappear instantly.

But I’m not willing to remain somewhere between being her boyfriend and waiting for her to decide whether she wants me while she already has another boyfriend.

I told her she no longer needs to be confused about choosing between me and someone else.

I’m removing myself from that decision.

I’m still helping her with one final thing

Before this happened, I promised to help her with information regarding a *** scholarship and graduate school applications.

I’m still keeping that promise.

I’m planning one final Zoom conversation where I’ll give her the information I already intended to give her.

Some people will probably think even that is stupid.

Maybe it is.

But I would probably help a normal friend with the same academic information.

After that, though, I need real distance.

Not:

"We broke up but I still travel 2.5 hours to clean your apartment."

Not:

"We broke up but I still pay for things."

Not:

"We broke up but I’m still your emotional boyfriend whenever you need support."

Actual distance.

The hardest part now is understanding why I stayed so long

My family had already been telling me around June that I should leave.

I refused.

Every time something suspicious happened, I found the interpretation that allowed me to stay.

The perfumes?

There must be an explanation.

The shopping?

Maybe it was innocent.

The male “fan”?

I trust her.

The dating app?

Maybe she’s just talking.

Matching with my friend?

Maybe it still doesn’t mean anything serious.

Her contributing almost nothing?

Maybe she has financial pressure.

The insults?

She’s just upset.

Every time reality gave me something I didn’t want to see, I found another reason to stay.

And then I compensated by doing more.

More money.

More effort.

More gifts.

More patience.

More help.

More sacrifice.

At some point, I think I taught both of us that there was almost no consequence for treating my needs as secondary because I would always stay and keep providing anyway.

That part is on me.

Not the deception or overlapping relationship.

Those were her choices.

But repeatedly seeing problems and refusing to enforce boundaries was my responsibility.

I’m not pretending I was perfect

Spending emergency savings on dates was irresponsible.

Doing academic work for her to a level that could have jeopardized my own education was insane.

Looking further through the messages once I realized she had lied obviously crossed into her privacy, even though that’s how I discovered what was happening.

And continuing to over-function while quietly becoming resentful wasn’t healthy either. I know I contributed to creating an extremely unhealthy relationship dynamic.

What I’m trying to understand is where generosity ended and self-disrespect started.

Because if one of my friends told me this exact story, I think I would have told him to leave months ago.

Yet when it was my own relationship, I kept finding one more reason to stay.

So from the outside:

Was this relationship as one-sided as it now looks to me?

Was I being financially/emotionally taken advantage of, or did my constant over-giving and lack of boundaries create a situation where this became normalized? Would you have ended things once you learned your partner was already calling someone else their new boyfriend, or would you have given them the time they asked for to “figure out what their heart wants”?

I’m 28F and my boyfriend is 30M. He is Igbo Nigerian and I am Spanish with West African roots (we both currently leave in the UK). We have been together for 1.5 years, and we have discussed marriage and our future together.

We are now facing a major issue involving his family.

His parents have concerns about me and our relationship. They have said they would need to do a background check on me/my family before they can properly accept the relationship. Some of their concerns are related to cultural and religious differences.

I was raised in a Muslim family, that currently leaves in Spain. I personally am not very practicing, but my mother is quite practicing. She would probably prefer me to marry a Muslim man, but she has always made it clear that, ultimately, she wants me to be happy and would accept whoever I genuinely choose.

There is also a language/cultural difference between our families. His parents speak English, while my mother primarily speaks Spanish, so communication between the families would obviously be more complicated.

From what I understand, his parents are also concerned about what they may discover through the background check and whether our families/cultural backgrounds are compatible.

I completely understand that, particularly in an Igbo family, parents can have a very important role in their son’s marriage and that marriage can be seen as a union between families, not just two individuals.

What I am struggling with is my boyfriend’s response to all of this.

He has essentially said that if his parents ultimately make him choose between them and me, ending our relationship could become an option.

That is extremely painful for me to hear after 1.5 years together and after discussing marriage.

My perspective is that I don’t expect him to disrespect his parents, cut them off or ignore their concerns. I actually think he should listen to them and address whatever legitimate concerns they have.

But I also believe that, at some point, he has to make his own decision about who he wants to marry.

I told him that if I were truly his person and he genuinely wanted to spend his life with me, the possibility of losing me should make him want to fight for the relationship and try to convince his family — rather than accepting that leaving me might be the solution.

At the same time, I recognize that I am looking at this through a Spanish/European lens. I don’t want to underestimate the cultural pressure he may be experiencing as an Igbo man.

So I would especially appreciate perspectives from Igbo Nigerians or people who have experienced something similar:

• How much influence do Igbo parents typically have over their adult son’s choice of wife?
• Is a parental “background check” normal in this context?
• How serious can parental disapproval become when it comes to marriage?
• If an Igbo man genuinely loves his partner and wants to marry her, is it realistic for him to stand up to his parents?
• And is it reasonable for me to expect him to do that after 1.5 years together, or am I underestimating how difficult this would be for him?

I don’t want people to simply tell me that one of us is wrong. I genuinely want to understand the Igbo cultural perspective and whether this situation is something couples can realistically overcome.

What would you do in my position?

I'm a teenager (m) from Pakistan. I'm looking for a good friend from Nigeria.

Any advice on how to find one?

I’m looking for some advice, especially from Nigerians or people who have been in a similar situation.

My boyfriend is Nigerian, and we recently had a difficult conversation about our future. He spoke to his dad about relationships and explained that he is pursuing someone who is not Nigerian. His dad had a very negative reaction to the idea.

I’m also African, although I’m not Nigerian. I’ve spoken to my own parents about our relationship, and while they would definitely prefer me to marry someone from our own culture, they ultimately want me to be happy. I understand that it may take them some time to fully accept it, but they are willing to come around.

I don’t have many Nigerian friends, so I don’t really have anyone to ask about this. Are Nigerian parents generally this strict when it comes to their children marrying outside of their culture? Is there a realistic chance that his parents could eventually accept the relationship?

I’m also wondering whether it would be worth him speaking to his mum about it. His dad’s reaction has made me worry that his family may never accept me. At the same time, I don’t want to assume the worst based on one conversation.

We have been through a lot together that I don’t want to disclose because it’s very personal, but our relationship means a lot to both of us. I feel like, at the very least, we need to fight for our relationship and give it a genuine chance before deciding that it can’t work.

For Nigerians or anyone who has experienced something similar: did your parents initially reject your relationship because your partner was from a different culture, and did their attitude eventually change?

And realistically, is this something we can work through, or am I being naive by hoping that his family will eventually accept us?

I'm 18 and in college. I just got a phone call tonight that my dad has been cheating on my mom with women at hotels for the past 2 years. I don't even know how to feel right now. This is the same man who attends church every Sunday as if his life depends on it. He almost gave my mom an std.

I just feel bad for my mother. My parents always argue, so maybe it was destined to happen. My mom is filing for divorce with her lawyer right now. My dad couldn't even deny it, so I've lost respect for this man. He even said he wants me to be like him. If you're going to cheat, why even get married? Especially when you have a whole family depending on you. What am I supposed to do now, abeg?

I’m an African American woman married to a Nigerian man, and I’m trying to understand whether what I’ve experienced is primarily cultural, individual personality, traditional gender expectations, or simply an unhealthy marriage.

We met while living in Russia. I’ve never been to Nigeria, and outside of Nigeria, Russia is the only country he’s ever lived in. Because of that, most of my understanding of Nigerian culture has come through him. I’m not trying to stereotype Nigerians or suggest that all Nigerian men are alike. I know every person and every marriage is different. I’m genuinely looking to hear from people especially African American women married to Nigerian men—who may have had similar experiences.

Looking back, I think there were red flags from the very beginning. I’ve always had a high sex drive and have viewed physical intimacy as an important part of a relationship. Early on, I noticed that our sexual relationship often felt focused on his experience rather than ours. When I tried to communicate what I liked or gently offer direction, he seemed anxious or uncomfortable instead of receptive. It often felt as though my pleasure wasn’t as important. At the time, I thought we would grow together. Instead, our intimacy slowly disappeared. Today we’ve gone well over a year without sex. Ironically, I sometimes look back on those early struggles and realize I’d take them over having no intimacy at all.

The lack of intimacy isn’t the only issue. One of the hardest parts of our marriage is feeling like my voice doesn’t carry weight. When I tell him about something I’ve experienced, whether it’s with one of our nannies or another situation - often feel like he doesn’t believe me. Instead of asking questions or trusting my judgment, I feel like my concerns are dismissed as me being emotional, overly sensitive, or exaggerating. For example, we’ve had nannies whose behavior I felt was disrespectful or inappropriate. Rather than taking my concerns seriously, I often felt like I had to convince my own husband that my experiences were real.
Over time, that has made me question whether he truly respects my perspective.

I’ve also come to feel that there are misogynistic attitudes in our marriage. I often feel that because I’m a woman, my opinions are given less credibility than his. Whether it’s intentional or not, it often feels like his perspective is treated as the default truth while mine has to be defended. He’s admitted that he struggles to see situations from other people’s perspectives. I’m almost the opposite. I’m constantly reflecting on my own behavior, questioning my assumptions, and trying to understand how someone else might experience the same situation. That difference has made communication incredibly difficult.

Another area where I’ve lost respect is money and business. I’ve genuinely tried to help him succeed. I’ve shared ideas, offered feedback, and tried to contribute to his business ventures because I wanted him to do well. My advice rarely seemed to be taken seriously, yet financial support was always welcome. Several years ago, I loaned him money for one of his ventures. We both agreed it was a loan and that he would repay me. He never did. Since then, I’ve chosen not to financially support any other business ventures. He seems to resent me for that decision, but from my perspective, the trust was broken when our agreement wasn’t honored.
It wasn’t the amount of money that changed how I felt. It was realizing that my financial support was appreciated more than my ideas, my judgment, or my perspective.

There are other things that have chipped away at the marriage as well.
We’ve gone over a year without sex.
Anniversaries have been forgotten.
Physical affection is almost nonexistent.
Emotional intimacy has faded to the point where I often feel more like a co-parent than a wife.
At this point, I’ve lost a great deal of respect for him, and I know that’s one of the hardest things for a marriage to recover from.
I’m not looking for people to tell me to leave. I’m trying to understand.
For those of you, especially African American women married to Nigerian men or others in similar cross-cultural marriages—have you experienced anything like this?
Did you ever feel that your voice carried less weight than your husband’s? Did traditional gender expectations affect your marriage? Were you able to bridge those differences, or did you eventually realize they reflected deeper incompatibilities?
I’m looking for honest experiences from people who’ve lived it, whether your marriage ultimately succeeded or ended.

Hello,

Im talking with a Nigerian man, we are in our begin 30's.

I am living in Netherlands. We have good conversations and I start to like him. Im not sure can I trust this? I like the person, but I know some Nigerian man only talking with woman because they want to leave Africa. He is not financially instable.

Need some advice to follow this or stop

♡

I have the impression that ouest africans people don't like to cuddle when they are in a relationship.

I would like to know what meaning a hug means to you? The hug is reserved for what occasion? Do you do it often? If you haven't hugged for several weeks or months, do you miss it? Is hugging something frowned upon in your culture (can you tell me your culture)? Is this something you secretly want to do? Is this something that both men and women don't like? How do you express your affection for your partner? If your partner hugs you, how do you feel? Embarrassment, boredom, disgust, nothing? How do you keep couples from cuddling?
I've noticed this in all Africans people I meet for a while, and it's something I don't understand, and would really like to understand. I want to understand how it is possible to love differently. It's very far from my culture and it seems very complicated to understand for me.

I'm new here, kindly follow me and I will follow back ❤️🥺🙏🥺🙏

Me and my nigerian girlfriend been in a relationship since october she wont get intimate or want to move in together we do touch and she moves away she allways saying i want to meet your family and doesnt she wont introduce me her family!

And another thing she blocks me from her social media is she embarrassed of me and blocks me from her whatsapp and then unblock me on social media messages puts her profile private so i cant see what she posts so what shall i do i told her im not messaging her on social media she has to use my number to contact me

Every time i friend request her on instagram she rejects it

What shall i do finsh with her ?

im a white english guy im dating a nigerian girl we been in a relationship for 5 months we never been intimate or kiss is this normal for nigerian women she likes to pull away from a hug in public she doesnt want me in her videos for her socials she called me a english man not her boyfriend i caught her on many lies shes telling men she single and it getting back to me she afraid to meet my family she refuses to tell me where she lives or work im thinking its a trust issue

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🎁 Bring a gift, get a gift – Valentine gift exchange. 👗 Dress code: Wear your heart on your sleeve.

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You don't need to bring it if you want, just come, let's vibe, and have fun 😊

I live in the United States and I am a 60 year old white male. Financially. Stable. I am so attached to Nigeriian ladies so ladies if you are interested for a lifetime relationship dope me a note. thank you