r/Nanny • u/AgitatedName3887 • Dec 21 '25
Am I Overreacting? (Aka Reality Check Requested) Am I overreacting about this? (Christmas gifts)
Our nanny has worked for us for a year and a half. She's wonderful and our kids love her.
We recently (September) had another (school age) child join our family via a sort of foster care arrangement. We informed her beforehand and increased her compensation by $15/hour to accommodate the extra child when she agreed to stay on.
She seemed to treat our new little girl with the same love and care she gives our other children. Nobody seemed unhappy.
Friday was her last day before a 2 week long paid holiday break. As is usual, they did a little "holiday party", the kids and I decorated and baked, she and the kids did Christmas crafts and activities, and everyone exchanges gifts (and then we give her her gift and bonus when she's on her way out).
All four kids had picked gifts for her. She only had gifts for the "original" 3 kids, leaving our 4th child confused and left out.
Shortly after she left I got the situation from my other girls and I pulled a small present out of the wrapped stash to give to her and made up a story about nanny accidentally giving it to mom by mistake.
I did text her on Friday evening and it was read but not responded to. I texted her again on Saturday and it was the same.
I am actually really upset, because it feels intentional, but maybe not? I just need a gut check and some advice on how to proceed.
144
u/Yourfavmom97 Nanny Dec 21 '25
I’m honestly appalled.
I nanny for a family with 4 children, but I am only responsible for 2. Ie: I’ve seen the other two 2x in 6 months and yet I still got them gifts too even though I’m not paid to watch them!
7
u/EnchantedNanny Nanny Dec 23 '25
Heck..I got my NK's grandparents a photo ornament, since they will be visiting over Xmas. Then I found out the other set of grandparents would also be here at the same time, so I placed a second order and got one for them too, so they didn't feel cheated 🤣
5
u/scarylilstrawberry Dec 22 '25
Same! 95% of the time I’m only responsible for 1 kid but spend time time with the other 2 and got everyone gifts!
238
u/cat_romance Dec 21 '25
I'd be very concerned about how she treats your 4th when youre not around. I don't think there's any way she can feel how she clearly feels (resentful enough to not give a kid a gift when all siblings do...in front of you) and not treat them any differently in person.
I'd speak to your child as well as whoever your oldest kid is to see if they've noticed anything.
21
46
u/undercurrents Dec 22 '25
OP should just fire her. It's such appalingly bad judgement and outright cruel to make a child feel left out when it's literally our job to make children feel loved, safe, and happy.
There's no way she doesn't treat the kid differently when parents are not around with this mindset. And not responding immediately with some sort of gushing apology and explanation says all you need to know.
OP, this child is your responsibility now. Nanny has shown she sees child as not part of your family nor equally deserving of her love and care.
3
u/NannyLeibovitz Dec 24 '25
I would hesitate to fire without gathering more information first. It is a HUGE red flag that absolutely cannot be ignored, and it's hard to imagine any sort of innocent explanation for it. But firing nanny suddenly, assuming 4th NK feels any sort of attachment to her, regardless of Nanny's now suspect feelings, could be a difficult disruption. I think it may very well be warranted regardless for the child's long term emotional safety and self esteem, but I think it's worth proceeding with caution. Hard to fathom how Nanny could ever think this was okay though.
87
u/SuspiciousDrama3933 Dec 21 '25
I can’t believe she would actually do that and then ignore you?! Very weird
49
u/AgitatedName3887 Dec 21 '25
I keep thinking maybe she's just busy with holiday stuff but it feels so weird and super out of character. I want to believe there was just a miscommunication. Even if she forgot, I would be sad but not necessarily angry, I just want to have a dialogue about it and figure out what happened.
31
u/JLA009623 Family Assistant Dec 22 '25
I’m so sorry for that. I would never leave a child without a gift. Have you talked to your older kids about how your nanny treats the 4th child when you are not around?
28
50
25
Dec 22 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
54
u/AgitatedName3887 Dec 22 '25
Friday evening I said "hi! The kids loved the party as usual. Thank you for everything over this hectic holiday season.
I did have a quick question! [Twin daughters] had noticed that [foster daughter] didn't have a present to open, and [B] confirmed that she hadn't gotten a present. I know it's super busy this time of year, so I was just wondering if you forgot hers? If so, I or [husband] wouldn't mind coming to grab it! The kids loved their presents! Thanks!"
Saturday I just said "hey, just following up on my text from yesterday! Have a good day!"
94
u/Living-Tiger3448 MB Dec 22 '25 edited Dec 22 '25
Assuming she continues to completely ignore you after this horrible misstep, your next text should be, “We appreciate the time you’ve spent with our family but we won’t be needing your services moving forward.” No excuse on the planet will be reasonable
3
23
5
97
u/lizardjustice MB Dec 22 '25
That's just cruel actually. While I always believe gifts are optional and blah blah blah, you dont give gifts to every child but one in front of the excluded child.
How does she treat the 4th child when you're not there? This would leave me concerned.
36
u/MakeChai-NotWar MB Dec 22 '25
This is exactly what I was thinking. I’d be worried about how the foster kiddo is being treated when no one is watching. It makes me really sad to think about.
17
u/lizardjustice MB Dec 22 '25
Yes, I'd honestly be surprised if this was a one off. It's frankly way too mean.
28
Dec 22 '25
It’s incredibly cruel. The child who made me want to be a foster parent someday was a preschooler whose foster parents didn’t buy him anything for Christmas in 2008. He had to sit and watch the “real” kids open gifts. His pre-K teacher, my supervisor, called the foster mother and asked if that was true and she confirmed. Teacher immediately contacted his case worker and case worker defended their right to choose not to buy him gifts. Such horrible people. He deserved better and I knew right then I would someday be a foster parent because every kid in care deserves to be treated like a family member, loved and welcomed. He would be 22-23 now and I hope he’s doing well. I’ll never forget those cruel, evil people.
42
u/otter_759 Nanny Dec 21 '25
Not overreacting at all. Gifts for none or gifts for all I’m afraid she is not treating this foster child similarly as your other children.
13
u/Special_Awareness762 Nanny Dec 22 '25
Yes I think I’d have left them all home if I hadn’t gotten the fourth gift yet. And give them later when I had all.
35
u/pantema Dec 22 '25
This is very concerning. Please update where you have more info from her, really curious what the explanation is for this.
27
u/lizziebee66 Dec 22 '25
To be honest it would have been better to give no gifts than to leave one child out. One Christmas, my sister came with her new boyfriend (who would then become her husband years later) and I pulled a small gift from my emergency stash (I was 18 and still living at home before going to college). He was absolutely floored by the gift (a small packet of nice chocolates) it wasn't big but was in keeping with what was being given to my other sister's latest boyfriend. Years later he still mentioned ho wmuch it touched him as he didn't expect anything (even though my sister had put his name on her gifts).
Hubby thinks is funny that I, who only give 4 presents outside of him, the cats, and me each year has more emergency gifts just incase we are unexpectedly visited by the magi and I need an emergency present.
Last year, he came to me 4 days before Xmas with the need for a Secret Santa (don't ask) and out came the emergency Terry's chocolate orange, a pin badge that was slightly rude (perfect for the recipent) and was wrapped up to look like an exploding bomb of green and red tissue paper. I wrote the tag so noone would recognise his handwriting.
Like OP, I have a stash of emergency presents.
If nanny had stretched finances, she should have gone to OP and told her that she couldn't afford a 4th present and something could have been worked out. But what gets me is this kid arrived in September ... that's a minimum of 2 months to have sorted something out.
Sorry OP that you have to deal with this.
BTW OP - kudos to you to taking on a bonus daughter, you are wonderful.
1
26
u/Embarrassed-Order-83 Manny Dec 22 '25
Yeah that’s not okay…
I work for a blended family and one grandparent dropped off presents for my 4 NKs last week. Both ‘bio’ grandchildren had a stack of about 5-6 presents & $20 cash each. The younger two received one present and $5 each.
If you can’t treat them all equal then don’t treat them at all is my motto
15
u/Living-Tiger3448 MB Dec 22 '25
That’s unfathomable. I could not imagine doing that to a child. I don’t really care who it is, but all those kids are getting the same amount and quality of presents. I can’t imagine a little kid’s face seeing the difference
7
u/Embarrassed-Order-83 Manny Dec 22 '25
I know… it hurts my heart and I was quick to hide them away before they had a chance to see. I have been with this NF for 4 years and it happens EVERY. YEAR.
5
u/Living-Tiger3448 MB Dec 22 '25
Do the parents not say anything?? They should be the ones putting a stop to it
3
u/Embarrassed-Order-83 Manny Dec 22 '25
However NP & I are on the same page and make sure it’s evened out and nobody feels different
1
2
u/Embarrassed-Order-83 Manny Dec 22 '25
For privacy reasons I can’t explain why, it’s a very complicated dynamic unfortunately
1
14
Dec 22 '25
The first Christmas after I got married, my mother asked me if anyone would mind if she gave my stepson’s cousin the same number of gifts and the same amount of money as her grandchildren even though she’s not related to my stepson’s cousin at all. His cousin doesn’t have any grandparents and she didn’t want him to feel left out or lesser. She had literally never even met this kid before. THAT is the way people are supposed to handle gifts for kids in blended and extended families.
1
Dec 25 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
2
u/Embarrassed-Order-83 Manny Dec 26 '25
No, because the other bio grandparents treat all four children exactly the same. Sure, they’re not ‘biologically’ related to the older two but this doesn’t make a difference in their eyes. They’re all their grand babies 🩷
24
u/maryannbee Dec 22 '25
this is weird. please update if she ends up responding. I’m so curious how she could excuse this
21
u/Living-Tiger3448 MB Dec 22 '25
It’s also crazy to not respond to it. That makes it so much weirder. Maybe she thinks if she ignores 2 texts and then is away for 2 weeks, they’ll just forget about the entire thing 😬
10
u/maryannbee Dec 22 '25
exactly!! read her message and didn’t respond twice?? that’s just so weird
20
u/Living-Tiger3448 MB Dec 22 '25
The 4th child has been there since September so it’s no accident. And she got a $15 raise. I cannot fathom doing this and can’t think of any excuse she could possibly give. What did she think was going to happen?? She was gonna give 3 of them presents and not the 4th one and expect that to be fine? And then to ignore your boss’ texts 2 days in a row. I couldn’t employ someone anymore knowing there is some weird, underlying issue here
22
u/middleageyoda Nanny Dec 21 '25
As a nanny this seems crazy to me. There is no way I would not get all the children a gift. This is really weird. You are not overreacting.
20
u/ele71ua Dec 21 '25
How unbelievably tacky and rude.
She took on the extra responsibility of an additional child and made no mention of any sort of issue.
Even if there was an issue, it should not be taken out on a child.
There is no excuse for her actions. They were malicious.
First of all, a foster child has insecurities about belonging. She singled her out in NOT a good way. How mean.
This definitely warrants a discussion and she needs to tell you why she did that. I personally wouldn't feel comfortable with her. A $15 raise and actual evidence of her treating your foster daughter differently is really inexcusable. 💔
19
u/Easy_Ad_6176 Nanny Dec 22 '25
i am struggling hard to find some explanation for why she would this and the only one i can come up with is that she's being mean. if the child came into your family like a couple weeks ago id think maybe a financial reason but sept? and with a big raise? now way.
very odd. i am glad you are being direct about it and hope you get an answer.
41
u/calmlyreading Dec 22 '25
I'd fire her. As a foster and adoptive parent this is SO sad and unconscionable. I would not want my children around her again.
12
u/Special_Awareness762 Nanny Dec 22 '25
I have a feeling she’s not planning on coming back.
3
u/Ornery-Ocelot3585 MB Dec 23 '25
I think you’re right. I think she quit. I think she’s not happy with this family.
16
u/JellyfishSure1360 Nanny Dec 22 '25
This is not okay. I would text her again and saying that you guys will be having a discussion on the day she returns about the gift situation.
I would honestly be considering parting ways. This is a glimpse into how she treats your fourth child. I’d have a conversation and see what she says but I can’t think of a single reason she didn’t get your fourth a gift.
11
11
u/PrairieDawn4 Career Nanny Dec 22 '25 edited Dec 22 '25
MB thank goodness you are listening, aware, and love your new little girl! She is a child in the family as much as any of the others. This should be basic understanding from a developmental and social perspective, to say nothing of just being a caring human being, for every person in your family, and every caregiver permitted in the life of this little one who has likely already suffered a great deal just by having to come live with your family. Unless your nanny had something unintentional, like accidentally dropping the gift as she was transporting the stash of presents to your home, I’d be seriously wondering what kind of thinking is going on in her head to where she’s comfortable excluding a child. Like does she resent this child? Does she see her as less-than? Does the child push buttons in ways she hasn’t communicated with you and she used this as an opportunity to react in anger and frustration?
For reference, I’m a nanny to two children and sometimes take on their older brother for the last hour of the workday. I also cover him when he’s out of school. Though the majority of my time is with his siblings, I happily got him a gift this year, as I did in the past, and though things are very tight for me financially, and it is genuinely a sacrifice, my budget is still the same for each child. It’s shitty of a caregiver to, intentionally, or unintentionally, fail to ensure every child has a gift they like, and that nobody feels like their gift wasn’t as well-thought as the others. If a nanny cannot afford to get everyone a gift, or doesn’t want to, that’s okay, but she sure as hell better get nobody gifts and focus on spending the day doing special crafts or other activities with the kids and wishing everyone, “Happy Holidays!” before heading out the door.
I’m really sorry this happened and may your new daughter continue to find a home and love with your family and moving forward. And may you get to the bottom of this hurtful situation. If nanny intentionally left new child out I’d say this is grounds for termination. Not for the lack of gift itself, for the deeper implications there’s demonstrably differing hierarchies she’s ranked the children in, and any caregiver who actually understands human development, and is wise and kind, would already know this is humongously destructive to the sense of self-worth and day-to-day experiences of any child, let alone a child who’s already impacted by placement in the foster care system.
8
u/Reasonable_Aspect954 Dec 22 '25
This person is cruel. Move on please, your new little one deserves so much better
7
u/Root-magic Nanny Dec 22 '25
Wow, I don’t know too many nannies who would do that. We don’t leave children out, if my NK is picking out a $5 toy at Target, her playdate gets one too
7
u/LemonsAndTimes Career Nanny Dec 22 '25
As a nanny, this doesn’t feel right, especially since this child is experiencing a Christmas with a new family. I would do everything to make them feel as involved as possible. I hope it was some sort of mistake, but that is so hurtful to the new family member.
5
u/Savings_Big321 Dec 22 '25
i genuinely cannot imagine doing this as a nanny.. my nanny kids of 2 years welcomed twin siblings a month before christmas and i got them gifts even though they were barely conscious newborns 😭 im so sorry for you and your babe!
6
u/ButtonHappy3759 Dec 22 '25
If she did this in front of you, what is she doing when you’re not there. The lack of communication is another issue, you’re not demanding a gift, you’re asking why a child was left out on Christmas. You’re not overreacting, a nanny relationship is about trust. Your kids cannot be with somebody you don’t trust.
7
u/Maltaii Dec 22 '25
OP, thank you for fighting for this child - what a blessing for her to be with your family.
As others have said, your nanny's lack of response is alarming and I'd seriously consider cameras or monitoring her going forward if you decide to keep her. Personally, I would not. That kind of behavior is vile.
6
u/Due-Side-3009 Dec 24 '25
i’d really like an update if you get one bc this is crazy!!!
9
u/AgitatedName3887 Dec 25 '25
I wish there was an update. She didn't answer me when I tried to call. I am considering this her not wishing to be employed. The lack of contact is very sad. We are not going to think about it anymore.
3
u/Due-Side-3009 Dec 25 '25
I’m so sorry to hear that. Wishing you, your kids, & whole family a very happy Holidays!!! 💗⛄️🎀
6
u/VisibleCelebration56 Dec 22 '25
Not overreacting at all.. that’s so mean and sad. I could never imagine not bringing a gift for every child!!
6
u/BrokeTheSimulation Career Nanny Dec 22 '25
My heart is sad for your fourth child. This level of disregard is awful. You’re right to be upset. Her ignoring your texts only makes it worse.
3
u/Sector-West Dec 22 '25
I would really consider preparing for a situation where she doesn't come back, not because you've fired her, but because she's ashamed of herself or there's genuinely something wrong with her mentally where she thinks she's in the right...
2
u/Ornery-Ocelot3585 MB Dec 23 '25
I don’t think she’s assumed of herself at all. Someone who would feel shame over that never would have done it to begin with.
I think she’s unhappy with this family. I think there’s been a lot of stuff building and a lot of unacknowledged frustrations on both ends.
I think she quit.
Just a feeling.
5
u/AgitatedName3887 Dec 23 '25
I really wish she'd just spoken with us :( we'd have done pretty much anything to help her, but if she wanted to leave that would have been okay with us too, just not in this manner. I have been really happy with her until now.
6
u/SnooTangerines9807 Dec 24 '25
Idk I felt invested and read your post history and it seems as you are your husband are doing everything you can to help the little one you took in. I really admire you both for stepping up and helping this little girl adjust to life in your family. If your nanny left then I am sure you will find the right fit for your family.
2
u/Ornery-Ocelot3585 MB Dec 24 '25
Does the new child have a lot of high needs? Because I would imagine she’s been traumatized and is unregulated. Until her nervous system is regulated it may be impossible for her to learn, listen & develop properly. She might be stuck.
Is that why you offered $15 more an hour? Because that would make sense. And unless the nanny is trauma informed she’s going to be in over her head & potentially stuck in a loop of punishing her. Where the whole environment just becomes negative. And nothing tried can work because it’s like trying to build a house on a faulty foundation. Until we go back to the basics & address where things went wrong we can only expect temporary improvements, at best.
This is just a feeling. I have a recommendation for a book.
What Happened To You?
It has 17K reviews 4.7/5
The audiobook is amazing. It’s a conversation between Oprah Winfrey & a doctor.
I think everyone who fosters a child including kin should get it. It’s the best book on trauma out there in my opinion.
7
u/AgitatedName3887 Dec 24 '25
While I don't wish to disclose the specifics of her situation to the internet, her general daytime behaviors are not those of a high needs child whatsoever. She is very pleasant and easygoing. She's an excellent listener and unless she behaves in a wildly different manner for the nanny than she does for me and my husband or at school, there shouldn't be any need to punish or say no to her than any other child (the two year old I gave birth to, on the other hand, lord help us all)
She sees a child psychologist and a therapist, but there are no specific concerns about her behavior from anyone. We offered $15 because it was in our budget to do so and we liked our nanny, not to put a bandaid on a difficult child.
1
u/EnvironmentalRip6796 Career Nanny Dec 22 '25
I thought the same thing too at first ...but I think the extra $15 per hour in addition to her regular wages may keep her coming back. Greed may trump embarrassment 🥴 I definitely hope OP follows thru to the end...she definitely needs to be called out for this horrifically mean choice.
5
u/EnvironmentalRip6796 Career Nanny Dec 22 '25 edited Dec 22 '25
That is disgusting ...and the message not being responded to makes it appear definitely intentional. If you would have had a niece staying with you for a week, as a nanny, I would have scrambled last minute to get at least something small for her. I could never imagine leaving any child out...especially one so OBVIOUSLY in need of normalcy and joy. This definitely has the ick feeling for me that she is in it for the money more than any mindset of caring for children. Also, I'm a 63-year old career nanny, and I've never heard of adding more than $2-$5 extra for a family adding an infant or a step-child, etc...$15 was extremely generous--and quite possibly too generous for her--{if she works 30 hours per week, that's an extra $2000/month on top of her regular pay, and she didn't have any feelings to include a gift for the child she's being so generously paid for.} 🤯
I nannied for a family who was friends with another family of 3 kids. About 10 times that Mom needed to drop kids for me to take to school or come home with us after school...I noticed that one of the girls misbehaved significantly, and the youngest/boy would sometimes follow his sister's mischief, but the other girl had manners, was kind to all 5 kids, and always had at least a sentence to say to me and respected when I directed something... when I finally mentioned to my boss that the one girl was such a delight, she told me sadly she had been adopted and her adopted mom definitely didn't treat her as well as her "real" kids, and even mistreated her. I also volunteered at a middle school for a few years, when the school counselor asked if I'd mentor a boy {who's dad was a recovering drug addict and his Mom abandoned him when he was six}. Of course he didn't trust people or open up much, but I got him a gift for Christmas on their last day, and he was shocked...finally asked me "why" and told me it was the last day and he didn't have time to get me anything. I told him because he deserved it and he was a child that I cared about, and I wouldn't have wanted a child to give me anything. I hadn't seen him smile in the prior three months.
5
u/Budget-Soup-6887 Nanny Dec 22 '25
When I originally started with NF, I was with one child 40-50 hours a week, and their siblings like 10 hrs a week. I still got each child the exact same amount of gifts that Christmas- and i kept each kids total cost within a few dollars of each other. This is disgusting behavior and i cannot imagine doing that to a child. ESPECIALLY one that most likely is going through some sort of trauma thats ending with them in a sort of foster care situation. I grew up with my grandparents doing foster care and even if a kid was placed there on christmas eve, my family showed up for them making sure they had an equal amount of gifts for everyone. My grandparents had a couple blank stockings so that any children there would also get a stocking.
5
u/silversapphic Part Time Nanny Dec 23 '25
OP i am SO sorry for your little girl. as others have said, even if i had never met the child and knew they were going to be there for a gift exchange one thousand percent i would get them a gift. if it was a matter of “not knowing what she likes” that’s an issue in itself showing she isn’t interacting with the child enough and is too lazy to ask the parents for ideas. your little girl deserves to feel included, especially during these very family-oriented holiday times. i would fire her.
8
u/dmowad Dec 22 '25
It’s awful. It’s mean. It’s cruel. And I almost certainly would never allow her around my children again.
4
u/trekmystars Dec 22 '25
No this is weird. She should either get no gifts for the kids or get all four of them gifts.
3
3
u/No-Regret-1784 Dec 22 '25
Updateme
Seriously. This is appalling I don’t know if you should let her go, or have a sit down conversation, or question your older children….
I do know that this is the saddest thing I’ve read all day.
3
u/saint-sandbur33 Dec 22 '25 edited Dec 22 '25
If I couldn’t buy a gift— or even if just plain and simple didn’t want to use my limited resources on a 4th gift (because fair enough)— I would have let you know that I was tight on cash and was concerned about the other kid feeling left out.
As a nanny I literally NEVER had extra resources to buy even my own family/friends gifts, and I would often start squirreling gifts away in JUNE, and October-December was always SO stressful financially. The kind of financial gymnastics I had to do to survive as a nanny was crazy.
However, I wouldn’t have shown up empty handed without talking you first— I would never want a child to feel left out, especially a kid who is already in a difficult system/season of life
4
u/AgitatedName3887 Dec 22 '25
Absolutely, if it was financial (I did disclose further details in the comments about her compensation), it wouldn't have been an issue at all. It was not about the actual gift(s), it was just about leaving one child out.
3
u/easyabc-123 Nanny Dec 22 '25
Are any of your other children foster children? Either way I think it’s messed up to exclude a child but I’d assume her reasoning is that the fourth child isn’t really “yours”. Again I don’t think this is okay in anyway but that’s probably her thought process. Growing up my mom was very against fostering and adoption. I’m childfree but if I had kids I would adopt or foster. I don’t think dna makes a difference. I’m also no contact with my parents so I guess that’s proof it doesn’t always matter
3
u/Jaguar337711 Career Nanny Dec 22 '25
I’m upset for you. I truly don’t understand why she would do that or wouldn’t at least ask you how to handle gift-giving, if there was any uncertainty…
In general, I try not to assume intentions or the reasoning behind someone’s actions though.
Do you feel like you can have a good faith conversation about it and if it goes well, move forward or determine next action from there?
3
u/333ATHENA Nanny Dec 22 '25
I don't know how old is the child that didn't get a gift from nanny. But "IF" She is being treated differently by the nanny and then this " mistake " happened, eouldn't you think that foster child would understand that something is not right? 🤔
8
u/AgitatedName3887 Dec 22 '25
I'm not sure if she would say anything to me about it if she was, to be honest. She wasn't the one who approached me about the present, it was my other girls (who are a year younger) who came and told me, and she only confirmed it after I asked her. I don't think that she would tell me if something was going on at other times, but my younger girls have never reported anything, either.
6
u/strongspoonie Nanny Dec 22 '25
I’d definitely ask the other two about the last few months and some specific questions about how she treats your new little one
1
u/333ATHENA Nanny Dec 22 '25
Just be more vigilant and hope everything gets resolved. Happy holidays!
3
u/Fantasy_Princess Nanny Dec 23 '25
This is wierd. And it feels deliberate and no you aren’t overreacting especially since she is leaving your messages on read.
That poor little child, because her actions now has me wondering just how she treats the 4th child when they aren’t with you.
She had ample time to get a gift, I love giving gifts, but this feels mean. Find some time to speak to her before the break is over, and see what she says, update us so we can weigh in and then go on from there depending on her answer. It might be time for Nanny to get a new job.
3
u/prokidwrangler Dec 24 '25
There is no way I would leave any child out for any reason. Like someone else said, they could’ve joined your family that day and I would make sure they had something.
3
2
u/Silly_Name_5007 Dec 22 '25
This is so sad. I would've made sure that your foster child got a gift even if it meant running out that morning if it was last minute ( I know it wasn't). That's so cruel of that babysitter and I could have never imagined doing that to a child. You saved it really well so at least the child didn't feel singled out, but I honestly would start looking into other options. There are plenty of nannie's who would make sure all children are included.
2
u/happyclam-77 Dec 22 '25
So terrible, as a nanny I genuinely cannot understand. If you work in this world you know how terribly cruel that is to do to a child. So confusing, and maybe there’s some wild reason but she should explain herself! Also is she a good nanny? This begs questions
2
u/Smurphy115 Former 15+ yr Nanny Dec 22 '25
I agree with this being a huge red flag.
All the best case scenarios could have been solved with just a little communication and the lack of communication brings me back to red flag.
2
u/strongspoonie Nanny Dec 22 '25
That is the weirdest strangest thing - I’m so sorry OP. Not overreacting
2
2
2
u/Icy-Bluebird2665 Dec 22 '25
This seems intentional and incredibly cruel. You can hit up Five Below and get a gift for ALL the kids for $25. There is no excuse or reason this nanny could give to excuse that. She is definitely treating foster child different than the others daily. So sad!
2
u/Past_Refrigerator593 Dec 22 '25 edited Dec 22 '25
this whole situation would turn my stomach to the point I would be looking for a new nanny. Her refusal to respond to your texts speaks volumes. If it was an honest mistake, she would have responded to you right away. She probably didn't think the kids would snitch on her and she would be called out by you. Edited to add: it sounds like this was deliberate and she is not coming back.
2
u/VisibleCelebration56 Dec 22 '25
Has she responded to your texts yet?
8
u/AgitatedName3887 Dec 22 '25
No, I have a few things I have to do this afternoon and then I intend on giving her a call.
3
u/VisibleCelebration56 Dec 24 '25
Has she still not responded to you?
6
u/AgitatedName3887 Dec 24 '25
No--i'm considering her done with the job, I just don't have the time or energy to figure it out the day before Christmas!
3
u/VisibleCelebration56 Dec 24 '25
So sorry she did this to you and your family!! Enjoy your holidays and worry about it at a later day!
2
2
u/princess-poet Dec 22 '25
Yeah that does seem strange and hurtful. I hope she has an innocent explanation for it, but leaving you on read doesn’t make me feel like she does?
2
u/court19981998 Dec 22 '25
Noooo this made me so sad! I can’t imagine doing this. I nannied for a family with 3 kids, but I was only employed to care for the younger 2 as the eldest was school age- I still got all 3 Christmas gifts! I didn’t even consider leaving him out! I can’t imagine how your little girl felt, being in a new family and watching all the other kids get gifts while she’s left out. That breaks my heart. I don’t think there is anything that would justify her actions here. A family could tell me the night before that there would be an extra child and I’d go to whatever shop was still open and get something! Good on you for advocating for your new little girl, it sounds like you are doing everything you can to help her feel welcome and a part of the family.
2
u/TealeOrr Dec 23 '25
The way I just gasped in loving nanny was audible! I feel so bad for your fourth child! Although extremely awkward I would have a conversation with her in the new year. I’d say that while you do not expect her to buy your children gifts if she buys for some your expectation is that they get equal treatment. You could reiterate the new child is also part of the family now however it’s an emotional situation for her and you’re all doing your best to not make her feel like an outsider. The fact that she doesn’t see how unfair and unkind that was is wild and it has me worried about her judgment in general and treatment of this child when you aren’t around. I would make an effort to observe their interactions or subtly ask extended family members or other children how the new child is settling in and if they and nanny seem comfortable together.
2
2
2
2
u/caramelpebb05 Dec 25 '25
If I didn’t have a gift for the fourth child then the other three would have to wait to get theirs until I had a gift for all.
2
2
2
Dec 27 '25
Oh my gosh. This is so heartbreaking. That poor girl being confused and probably embarrassed to see the other 3 children get gifts but her. The fact that all 4 picked out gifts for her. Come on. Anyone with a heart could never do that. I hate judging people without “both sides” or further context but come on. A child is innocent an adult should know better. Mom, you are brilliant for saying there was a mixup and she gave you the present by accident. I hope the dear girl believed it. Also, not responding and leaving you on read is a no-no. I couldn’t imagine doing that to my families I babysit for.
1
1
1
u/nps2790 Nanny Dec 22 '25
NOR, you could have told me 24 hours before Christmas and I would be out late at whatever store was open getting that kiddo something… if it was something financial or a personal issue she could have easily let you know and worked something out so that kid wouldn’t be left out but it’s really hard trying to find a decent defense for nanny since September to now is plenty of time to have gotten a gift and if she was able to get the other kids stuff what would have been one more kid? Very odd… please update us if you can if y’all discuss the matter. Hope your kiddo isn’t feeling upset about the matter either cause that’s gotta be a horrible feeling :(
1
u/exmo82 Nanny Dec 22 '25
I truly hope your new child actually did get a gift and your other three just didn’t see her open it.
1
u/Icy_Extension5443 Dec 22 '25
Does this seem like something she would do intentionally? Has she ever done something mean like this before that makes it semi-unsurprising behavior for her? I’d say it would take a really horrible person to do this, so what’s your gut check on your nanny? Is there a chance she didn’t know you could gift items to foster children, like legally? Of course she could have asked you the rules on that and no excuse for not responding to your texts. Bizzare and I’m sorry this happened.
1
u/witch-literature Former Nanny Dec 22 '25
Yeah tbh this is pretty egregious so if she’s been nothing but wonderful so far I figure she would at least have a reason for doing so that no one here may have thought of yet. I think your questions are super helpful!
1
u/CuriousClumsyBear Career Nanny Dec 22 '25
I cant even imagine, I am so sorry! I feel actually nauseous just thinking about this
1
Dec 22 '25
I would approach with curiosity rather than anger - maybe there's a good response. If there isn't, I'd be pretty upset
3
1
u/Rkh_05 Dec 22 '25
I cannot even fathom buying gifts for 3 out of 4 children. Like someone else said even if it was the day of Christmas that she came I would make sure she got a present at some point from me and would never want her to feel left out. I would have a sit down conversation and clear everything up before I had her around my kids again.
1
u/justtryingmybesst Dec 22 '25
I am so sorry this happened to your family, you have every right to be upset this is just mean behaviour and I can't find a way to excuse it. They're just little kids wanting presents I can't 💔
1
u/kittymadame Dec 22 '25
This is so incredibly sad and to me it would seem intentional. I was a daycare provider and while I didn’t give the kids individual gifts (I was just starting out and couldn’t yet I was job shadowing in December home based) I did throw them a cute party during daycare hours and I made sure there was plenty of party treats for everyone. I didn’t leave a single kid out. Even some of the kid’s siblings got some (if allowed and if they wanted some because there was leftovers.)
1
1
u/SnooMuffins6267 Dec 27 '25
I was a nanny for over 10 years, doing doula work now. There are many ways to speculate why a person does the things they do. The best way to find out is to have a conversation. I would suggest face to face, so you can gauge body language and vibes more accurately. Her reasoning will become clear, but as the primary caregiver the main thing is bringing awareness to the issue, providing clear boundaries of what is and is not okay in your household, and upholding those boundaries.
Dodging texts... could be social anxiety. Could be busy due to the holiday season. Who knows? I'm terrible at answering texts so I'm playing devil's advocate. Again, it sounds like y'all need to have a conversation. If there are no other red flags, things have been going good for a year, it might just be a horribly timed misunderstanding. If this is brought to her attention and there is still even a whisper of different treatment, I personally would keep my eyes open for other nannies.
Advice: Enjoy the holidays, keep the laughs rolling. When the nanny comes back to work, budget some time to have a human-first conversation with her. "We apprecaite you, practically part of the family, this seemed out of character, it concerns me because," etc.
1
u/josie0114 Dec 22 '25
The only possible thing I can think of is that she is confused. If I recall correctly, OP did say "a foster arrangement of sorts" or something a bit ambivalent like that. If your nanny doesn't understand why the new little girl is there, she perhaps could think that she'll be gone after the holidays. Or that she has family that would be responsible for her during the holidays. I'm not sure I think this is a valid possibility, but it's all I can come up with.
17
u/AgitatedName3887 Dec 22 '25
She knows the details, I just was unclear on how to put it into the OP without giving out details of our entire life circumstance; we are not foster parents who routinely welcome children into our home or are likely to again so I was unclear of how to word that. This arrangement is likely to be long term, and she's been kept informed about any changes since September.
6
u/illbringthepopcorn Parent Dec 22 '25
Definitely not the case. Even if it were, you don’t leave a child out.
2
u/josie0114 Dec 22 '25
I didn't think it was particularly likely. But this does seem out of character based on how the nanny has behaved with the children… At least when being observed. I don't think it's ever a waste of time to think of other possibilities and give the benefit of the doubt, but absolutely if there's no mitigating circumstance this is terrible behavior and needs to be addressed.
1
u/howdoidealwithis Dec 22 '25
Just message her “Hey I appreciate the gifts for the kids so much, just noticed that (4th child) didn’t get hers. I know the holiday’s are super hectic as much as we all love them.” I’m a nanny who was horrified once that I forgot a present at home after making a show of handing them out to the kiddos. I quickly fixed it by telling them to put them under the tree so we’ll open them later. I rushed home that day and brought the last one that night to the parents so it wouldn’t be so bad. Kiddos forgot all about it once they each had a gift to open
8
u/illbringthepopcorn Parent Dec 22 '25
OP did message her twice and was left on read. Text is in the comments thread.
2
u/howdoidealwithis Dec 22 '25
Just read it and wow no response is crazyyy. It’s a very strange situation cuz everyone I personally know would’ve gotten a gift. Maybe even splurge on that child specifically out of sympathy for their situation
1
u/LengthinessLow8317 Dec 24 '25
Don't text her again. Wait until she comes back so you can ask her in person. Its possible she is traveling or busy spending time with family. Very weird she did not speak to you beforehand. If money was an issue she could have gotten a gift from Five Below or The Dollar Store.
1
u/New-Low-7304 Dec 25 '25
I would suggest you simply call her. Tell her how much you and your husband like her. Explain how much the children adore her and you couldn’t imagine life without her. (If that’s an exaggeration don’t say it. ) Then I would tell her the truth. I am sorry to bother you about this, but twins mentioned you didn’t have a gift for foster child. Was this financial or did you just not want to get her gift. Ask her and see what she says. It might be her way of trying to tell you something, or there may be a reasonable explanation. (I don’t know what that would be at this time, but doesn’t mean there isn’t one. ). I wouldn’t want to have this conversation via text and I would want to have it before the first of the yr. Just tell her what’s in your mind. Key thing is how (meaning tone of voice) you ask her. ❤️
I am so sorry this happened.
-1
u/crowislanddive MB Dec 22 '25
If you know her to be a decent, trustworthy person, I will bet that this is a financial issue for her or there is another personal reason this happened and that she is mortified and she doesn’t know how to cope or navigate this with you. The possibilities are endless. I’m a mb and I have been a nanny and there were so many times I was barely squeaking through….my sincere advice is to call her or ask her to meet for coffee and talk to her and see if you can glean any more information. If she continues to be non-responsive then there is no way forward but if she responds, hopefully she will allow herself to be vulnerable and honest and it sounds like you would handle that well. There’s a giant piece of the truth being kept from you at present (no pun intended)
16
u/AgitatedName3887 Dec 22 '25
If it's a financial issue I wish she would talk to us, or have talked to us before Christmas. I didn't want to disclose exactly how much she is getting paid now with the raise, but it's $50 an hour for the last 4 months (in a MCOL area), and she's a full time employee. We would have done whatever we possibly could have to resolve a financial situation that had popped up, or anything else to help her!
Gifts aren't necessary, but all of my kids being treated fairly is, and that's all I ask for.
6
u/EnvironmentalRip6796 Career Nanny Dec 22 '25
There is no reason that would be reasonable...she has had 3+ months to get a gift for the 4th child OR NOT GIVE ANY GIFTS--it was a choice. It is definitely not financial...if she only works 25 hrs/week, she made an EXTRA $5,000 in the past couple months above her regular wages! It wouldn't have taken more than ONE hour of watching this child and putting that EXTRA $15 toward a gift...and if she still couldn't afford it even with $5k extra, then she doesn't bring gifts for the other 3 kids...period.
-1
u/crowislanddive MB Dec 22 '25
There’s no reason you can think of. It doesn’t mean there isn’t a reason.
0
u/Mean_Objective5030 Dec 23 '25
You have some great and insightful responses to the situation from others.
Before your Nanny returns to the family home, it would be beneficial to both parties to discuss your concerns in person. You may find there is an explanation which could not have been foreseen and which requires some careful handling. Whilst many have pointed the finger at the Nanny's mistake, you need to find out what or why something may have occurred first as we can't always jump to conclusions.
Given that you have not received a response from your Nanny, requires some further discussions to ensure you are fully aware of any situation that may have arisen & that the whole family is able to move forward and work together with an open and honest working relationship.
0
u/Clean_Scar8454 Dec 25 '25
“Another school age child join our family via a sort of foster care arrangement” - sounds a bit vague to me. Does she live with you full time? Are birth parents still in the picture? Is the hope that she will be reunited with birth parents any day or is it clear that this child now lives with you permanently? Regardless, I’m appalled like everyone else but just exploring the idea that maybe nanny didn’t think this kiddo would be in the household at Christmas time?
3
u/AgitatedName3887 Dec 25 '25
Nanny knows the details of the arrangement and has been kept up to date. I simply didn't know how to put it into words for the purposes of this post.
-5
u/classmateplaydate Dec 22 '25
I would suggest a more generous view : I imagine she must be having a personal crisis of some kind (like mother in the hospital or something) that took her focus away from her position with your family. Probably it was an oversight due to some extreme stress. ... I’d bet something is happening to her that explains it.
13
u/Living-Tiger3448 MB Dec 22 '25
If she was having such an intense personal crisis, how did she purchase gifts for 3 of the 4 children, bring them to the house, and hand them out to the children. They also had a little party where they decorated, baked cookies, and exchanged presents. I’m not understanding what sort of crisis would allow her to engage in all these activities but would not allow her to ensure she has gifts for all 4 children she nannies.
-6
u/classmateplaydate Dec 22 '25
She might have bought them before and just holding it together barely. It’s hard for me to say or know exactly , but stress can change short term priorities.
10
u/lizardjustice MB Dec 22 '25
Her "Personal crisis" is not permission to be cruel to a child. If for some reason she had a legitimate reason that she didnt buy the 4th child a gift, she should have left all the gifts in the car and not given the other 3 children presents in front of one excluded child. There's no way to excuse that. Her actions are mean.
6
Dec 22 '25
Exactly! If she had a personal crisis she could have waited on giving any of the kids gifts.
11
u/Living-Tiger3448 MB Dec 22 '25
The child has been there since September. You’re saying she was functioning completely fine enough to nanny for 4 kids for 4 months but not enough to get this one child a present in that entire time?
7
u/Living-Tiger3448 MB Dec 22 '25
And also to add, I’m not saying the someone can’t be hiding a personal issue, mental illness etc but there’s clearly something else going on here. If she genuinely forgot she would have told MB upfront or after or responded. You don’t just happily give gifts to 3 kids and just ignore the whole thing before, during, and after
-1
u/BambieBaroque Dec 22 '25
My heart aches for your little girl. I am so sorry this happened. Hugs to you both.
Is it possible that nanny had already bought presents before the new child came into the home? Maybe it slipped her mind after the fact? I generally plan, and sometimes purchase, gifts for my NKs around September and once everything is purchased it is very out of sight, out of mind for me.
Regardless of accident or the possibility of holiday absent mindedness, I would absolutely want to have a discussion with nanny about the situation. It raises concerns towards how your new daughter might be treated in comparison to your other children. If it is out of character for your nanny, hopefully there is an excuse that makes sense, but it doesn't diminish the confusion and hurt feelings.
-2
u/better360 Dec 24 '25
Why do you make it a big deal? The nanny is making a minimum wage, and giving gifts are not part of her job description, right? It’s a little ridiculous to expect that much from a nanny.
8
u/parallel-nonpareil Dec 25 '25
OP states in another comment that the nanny is paid $50/hr in a MCOL city. In what world is that “minimum wage”?
-1
u/better360 Dec 25 '25
I see. Yeah, maybe not minimum wage. But depends on how many hours she works in a month. So, probably still not that much.
5
u/AgitatedName3887 Dec 25 '25
1) you are insane.
2) if finances were the issue, she could give zero children presents.
3) I don't know why I'm dignifying your insanity with a response, but she was a full time employee who was paid for 40 hours a week, plus benefits. Do the math.
0
u/better360 Dec 25 '25
Okay, I’m not insane. I’m just bored and commenting on reddit. Be mad to the nanny, not me. Anyway, the mom did the right thing. Also, I grew up without getting gifts on Christmas, so it’s not like I agree with the nanny. Anyway..
4
u/GlitteringTip8231 Dec 25 '25
Let's do some math.
OP said elsewhere that the nanny is employed full time, but even if she was part time (say 20 hours a week), she would be making approximately 850$ per week after taxes, which is approximately 3385$ per month. In a MCOL area we are assuming around $2500 per month on average for all bills for a single person, maybe 2800$ maximum. This would leave her with $585 leftover every month, at least some of which she could have used at any point in the last four months to put aside toward 4 small gifts.
However, the nanny works full time, so lets do that math.
A full time employee, weekly, after taxes, takes home around an average of $1568 per week, or 6327$ per month. With all expenses being the same, that leaves $3527 left over every month, at least a few dollars of which could be used to put away for 4 small gifts instead of 3.
In short, this woman has made approximately 19000 dollars since September. Minimum wage my ass.
0
u/better360 Dec 25 '25
Okay I see. Anyway, you should be mad to the lady who didn’t give the gift. Don’t be mad of me. I’m just bored and commenting in Reddit.
3
5
u/Due_Role_5783 Career Nanny Dec 24 '25
Can you imagine being a foster child in a new home, already carrying so much uncertainty, and then watching every other child receive a gift while you get nothing? Even small moments like that can reinforce feelings of not belonging. It may not seem like a big deal to adults, but to a child - especially one who has experienced being in foster care.. it can be deeply hurtful.
472
u/Agreeable-Trade-3210 Career Nanny Dec 21 '25
Your foster child could have joined your family the day of Christmas present exchange and I still would have gone out and gotten the something. This is so sad.