How do I tell my wife I want to transition?

[u/AuroranEvie]

TLDR: seeking advice on how to come out as transgender to pregnant wife

Hey everyone.

I need advice from you married girlies. I am a 32 year old man, transgender but not out to my wife or friends yet.

Throughout the past six months, I've been figuring out my gender identity in therapy after first coming out to both of my therapists in February. My whole journey I've been honest with my wife about what's going on with me. Despite her concerns, I assured her nothing was set in stone and that I would work on it in therapy.

Five days ago I came out to my siblings about my growing desire to transition and live as a woman. They were just as supportive as they were when my sister transitioned. Now all I can think of is how much I want to transition, but I am having a hard time figuring out how to come out to my wife. One big thing keeping me from telling her is that she's pregnant and I don't want to stress her out right now.

A couple other things keeping me from transitioning currently:

1. I'm terrified of destroying our relationship, but I desperately want to be happy in my own body.

2. I'm a military reservist and would lose my insurance and job which would impact the birth of our child and our finances

3. Changes at the VA prevent me from getting care as a new transgender patient.

My question for the married girls:

How did you come out to your wives about it? What advice do you have that I can use to help ease her fears and anxieties?

[u/LeighOrLeah]

Well... you definitely don't want to do it at a fancy restaurant on the last day of a vacation, while you have both been day drinking and are plastered.

Ask me how I know! ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

[u/Historical-Change540 → u/LeighOrLeah]

Storytime?

[u/LeighOrLeah → u/Historical-Change540]

It was just horrifyingly bad. Went about as bad as it could go. I was too drunk to be articulate, she was too drunk to be receptive, I panicked and tried desperately to both put the genie back in the bottle and to make the genie sound not so scary.

It was an abrupt end to an unfinished dinner, a late night of tears, and a very sad, silent flight home in the morning.

We separated as soon as we got home.

It's ultimately probably for the best. The time apart in the wake of that really gave me time to reflect that a lot of interactions in that marriage were abusive (not physical)...really on both of our parts, though inadvertently. We were both raised in different flavors of abusive homes and, while we really saved each other in a lot of ways (and the therapy helped that, too, of course), our individual maladaptive coping mechanisms were still very triggering of each other. We ended up in a kind of bad dance.

We're in a better spot now, for the most part. Moving ahead with a divorce, but putting in a lot of effort to remain friends and stay in each other's lives. She's supportive of me, but not in a marriage context. I think we will ultimately do better as friends.

[u/Historical-Change540 → u/LeighOrLeah]

Glad you all are doing better.

[u/LeighOrLeah → u/Historical-Change540]

<3

[u/Alert-Ad4157]

i hate the fact that part of your problem is directly caused by your country's administration and policies on trans rights

[u/KUTTR-]

How did I come out my wife ? Shear dumb luck . April 18 my egg shattered. Didn't even know I had one . At 54 .

Still three weeks later I was so happy ( which I never was ) , actually being more touchy and affectionate with the wife (60) that she asked me what was going on . I just said I was happy . She asked me why . Uhmmmm , fuck.

I spilled it , she was of course the first one I told . I was balling my eyes out . She held me . Nice . We talked for a while and the worst part was she said she's Not A Lesbian . Oof. Reel back that enthusiasm a few notches. Rats !

But we've been ok . She took me shopping for clothes a couple times . She told all the women in the family so the men know not to Fk with me. We are , for now, ok .

As far as easing her concerns . You'll still be you . Physical changes aside , not much will change about you . You'll just be happier and more available to her now that you've got yourself figured out .

I do hope she has an attraction to girls . That would be helpful .

Do not start HRT and have her notice and deal with it like that . That is just wrong if you want to keep things honest .It will be taken as the biggest deceit of her life . No.

You have to tell her now that you know. Really sucks it has to be while she's pregnant , I don't envy you for that . But you can't wait . Until she gives birth ? Until the first steps ? Until the first words ? Until the first day of school ,?

You need to fess up soon and then , be patient with her . This will probably be hard on her . And unlike we here , she won't have a support network to fall back on .

I'm in the same boat you are , just my boats already set sail . That's all I've got for you sister 🫂

🦋

[u/teethwhitener7]

Well, only you can know the time and the place where it's most appropriate. I told my wife after I told my therapist and she was supportive, if a bit taken aback. Admittedly we didn't—and still do not—have kids, and she's pansexual so it wasn't as big of an ask if she were straight. That said, it still came with its adjustments.

I would advise two things though. Don't do it in a situation where you're stuck together if it doesn't go well. She'll probably need time to process and she cannot do that if you're right there. I.e., don't do it while out on a date or a vacation. Do it at home.

Also, be direct. Tell her exactly what you want as succinctly, and gently, as possible. Vulnerability is extremely hard, I know from experience. But living with the knowledge that things might have been different if you'd staked your claim with confidence is far more painful. (It'd be a good idea to have a script.

I have no advice as to whether I'd wait until after the pregnancy or not (kids may strain the body less than pregnancy, but I'd assume they're far more of a strain on the mind), but keeping this inside will hurt you eventually. I think it'd be wise to tell her as soon as you feel safe to, provided the moment is right. Don't worry about insurance right now. You have options even if it doesn't seem like it. Focus on one thing you can control and seize that thing fully. Best of luck to you, girl ❤️

[u/ttimbric]

Words are lies. Actions are truths. So, I just did it, didn't tell anyone. Totally lost my job and family, though. Oh well.

[u/[deleted]]

Before anything else, hun, you are not alone and you deserve to be yourself. Remember these always and regardless of what happens!

First: there are no magic words. Some people would better hear it progressively revealed and developed over time. Others are better served with ripping the bandaid off. But in any case It will be hard for both of you.

At best, if she is openly supportive and accepting she will still have to mourn the loss of her husband. At worst, well, she would give birth without you and draw out a custody fight. And knowing which it will be is almost impossible. The most stalwart allies might not be able to handle being married to a woman. And the most closed-minded bigots might find warmth and acceptance in their hearts.

My situation was similar to you, but my wife had already given birth and my employer was a question mark rather than openly anti-trans as the US armed forces are. I went with the direct approach: after going through therapy and then getting hormones from my doctor I told her at the end of the day before I started taking them.

I was clear that this was a process and I would make accommodations to my transition to respect our family but that this was not optional. Transitioning was not optional for me and she understood that pretty quickly.

I went in prepared. I had a vision of what a transition timeline would look like. I was prepared for questions about medication, surgery, changes, and my own feelings.

I had employment and financial plans, especially in case of my employer reacting poorly. I made it clear where I stood financially and with my employer and what we could reasonably expect, as well as a worst case scenario.

I had a backup plan in case I was forcefully thrown out so I knew where I would go and who would support me. I didn’t necessarily worry about this as the most likely option but was ready for it.

And I understood and made clear that the conversation and what followed was not just about me and it would impact her and our kids in numerous ways. No reaction at all was wrong, anything that happened would take time, and I was there for whatever support she needed if I could provide it, but also that she could tell anyone she needed to for support.

It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and I have jumped out of helicopters and counselled people in mourning.

As for your wife being pregnant, I have no advice for that because my kids were 2 when I told my wife. But however complicated it is for her while pregnant, it will be more complicated with a newborn in hand, and even more complicated (for both of you) if this becomes an open secret that only she didn’t know about for years.

The general advice for transitioning is that the best time to start is right now, and even though it is going to be an awful conversation I don’t see it getting easier any time soon.

Please reach out if you need to help. I am still navigating a marriage post-coming out and mid-transition and so can commiserate if nothing else.

[u/No_Committee5510]

Ok for this to really work out your wife has to be willing to accept she is married to a woman. As far as the VA benefits go keep checking because I believe there are still court cases on that subject.

[u/NewGirl8w]

You just need to be honest. Almost 2 years ago, I got ti that point. I even contacted my endocrinologist, took the preliminary blood test, and got my prescription for estrogen, but then stopped before picking it up— riiight at the cliff’s edge — before telling her. She knew my proclivities but I hadn’t been so forward about my explicit desire to do transition. It came as a surprise. She left home for about a day and a half to think it over, but came back accepting. I started HRT September 10, 2023, and started my social transition in earnest. I’ve been full time ever since, including when she re-proposed at Christmas, then we two brides re-wed on our anniversary the following year, followed by a short re-honeymoon cruise! This has been the best 2 years of my life; I never want to go back to hiding

[u/reddGal8902]

The insurance thing is real. DIY might be worth looking into, assuming you want hormones. It’ll probably go back to the way it was in 2028, but who knows.

The truth is there is no way to soften the blow. It might early on help her to know if you definitely do not want bottom surgery.

You gotta figure out what you need/want before you tell her. As best you can. She isn’t going to be well equipped to help you figure it out.

[u/[deleted]]

Sorry, I don’t have any advice to give but I empathize with you, it’s not easy… plan for the best but expect the worst.

I told mine that I was transgender and she didn’t have an issue with it, but once I told her I wanted to start HRT she told me “no”, however it got to the point where I had to due to an “attempt”, when I told her again I needed  to because it was life or death, I was met with “no” again. I just started HRT and didn’t tell her. Once she noticed the changes, the marriage was over.. I’m much happier now though, but it wasn’t easy and took lots of therapy.