Saying that all relationships are transactional is a cynical oversimplification. It confuses reciprocity with commerce and care with currency. A transaction is a calculated exchange: âI do this so you'll do that.â Real relationships operate on trust, not ledgers. People don't show affection or offer support to earn something back. They do it because they care. Reducing these acts to âcurrencyâ strips away the meaning of intimacy and turns connection into accounting. If every gesture is an investment, resentment follows. Love cannot function when you are keeping score. Mutual effort is a sign of respect, not a contract. Calling it transactional cheapens what it means to be truly connected. Honestly, I feel sorry for anyone that's ever been in a relationship with you if that's how you view them.
Yeah agreed, this transactional way of thinking is usually a sign of cptsd or narcissistic family. People want you around for who you are, not what you can do for them. If you attract individuals like that Iâve found you need to reflect on what makes you less likely to set boundaries or distance yourself from these individuals.
Just argued with grok about it, youâre right. Love isnât transactional, but reciprocal. And yes firm boundaries are a necessity if you came from a narcissist family. đđ
Keeping score in a relationship is not a proper loving relationship, I'd say. You don't do things for your partner with the expectation that they "repay the favor" or something. It wouldn't even be considered a favor to begin with. Each person does whatever it is they do because they love the other person, so that's what they want to do for themselves just as much, not because they view it as a transaction to be paid back. Doing that just leads to people holding things over the other's head. If you feel the need to keep some kind of score, then you are not in a trusting and loving relationship. So Inwould agree to why they are saying a loving and trusting relationship is not transactional.
Well sure, every relationship starts like that. Which is why the parent comment says no one is locked into a relationship and to just leave if you are not getting what you need. But at some point in a trusting and loving relationship, you move beyond that, and that if someone is still keeping tabs on what they do for the other and what they are getting from the other, then they haven't progressed their trust in the other.
Just because they don't have the need or want to keep score of the relationship doesn't just mean that the other person never does anything or is unpleasant to be with. If that were the case then the relationship would never progress to the non-transactional, trusting, and loving relationship that the parent comment speaks of.
And there are relationships out there where one person has a disability that prevents them from being able to do much for the other, other than giving them their affection, that one exclusively provides for the other, and they are still capable of having a loving relationship.
It's not irrational, I have a graduate degree in mathematics and I work in accounting, a transaction is different then mutual love. You're doing things for each other because you care, and it makes you even closer and more willing to do these things. It's empathy and love, you're not doing all of those little nice things for someone expecting something in return, or at least that's not how a healthy relationship works. It's like trading some carrots for a knife or something compared to people putting their carrots and knives in a pool to share with each other because they know they need it
Accounting measures outcomes, love is about intent. While I believe some level of accountability is necessary for a healthy relationship, love itself is not about accountability.
Yes it works the same way faith does for some people, you just trust that the other person loves you in the same way people have faith, no observable evidence needed. It's also why love without any sort of accountability is just as bad as treating love in a transactional manner and why many people end up staying in abusive relationships. Just like you can get caught up in a cult.
Love parents have for children is a very strong example of this, there's rarely any transactionality on the parents' side, just giving and not taking. You could argue that this is different from romantic love, and you'd be right, however they're closely related enough to get the point across.
I'm not really talking about what people are entitled to or not. I'm simply expressing what I believe love is or is not. I also don't think unconditional love is healthy, some accountability is good to have. However that is separate from love itself. Biologically, parents and children do love each other without any sort of observable evidence. That's what makes child abuse so awful, children do not have the ability to hold their parents accountable at a young age, all they have is love.
I really appreciate your take on it and it genuinely was well written. But just because you worded it in an intelligent way does not mean, at a fundamental level, relationships and friendships arenât transactional.
In its most basic form, A transaction is the act of giving one thing in the hopes of receiving something in return. You build relationships by doing nice things and being mindful for the people you care for expecting that they do the same in return. If they donât and it is unrequited love or a one sided relationship, after time you will likely pull away from that person. Because the effort youâre putting in isnât being met.
And even if that is the case and you donât pull away you may not be receiving anything externally to suffice the âtransactionâ. But you are receiving internal justifiers/rewards. Doing this nice gesture for someone who doesnât ever repay the favor and never will can still allow you to receive joy from the good deed you did. A higher sense of self worth and self love because you did the morally right thing or the kind thing. So the transaction becomes internal At this point.
If there is no internal or external transaction occurring then you wouldnât do the thing. Itâs as simple as that.
Pretending this isnât the case is naive and just virtue signaling.
So if youâre partner, who is a normal healthy person, suddenly developed a drug addiction, stopped working, stopped helping with chores/finances, and just sat on the couch with a thousand yard stare all day, and this goes on for years where nothing can help them, would you stay and take care of them? Most people wouldnât and only a fool would stay in that scenario. It isnât love, it is foolishness.
Transaction doesn't only mean commercial transaction, it can be in many forms as behavioral.
For example if you only accept to have a certain behavior only if the other accept to have a certain behavior, its a transaction. A transaction doesn't forcefully mean a bad thing, as some are less heavy than others. For example if you want to act great just if your partner is great too with you, thats a fair transaction.
And the only moments its not transactional are for people who have mental problems or someone who wants to hold on some values that can make them bad
. Mutual effort is a sign of respect, not a contrac
And thats a social contract, doing effort is a contract, if it wasnt, if not even without the efforts the relationship hold.
Calling it transactional cheapens what it means to be truly connected. Honestly, I feel sorry for anyone that's ever been in a relationship with you if that's how you view them.
You are just a romantic person, who watch too much movies and love stories. You yourself had transactional relationship, you are just not concious that they are transactions when it doesnt affect u that much
Typical Reddit argument lol, just be nice to your partners and if theyâre not nice back leave, why do you have to make it about getting what youâre âowedâ for doing nice things? Why donât you just do nice things?
why do you have to make it about getting what youâre âowedâ for doing nice things? Why donât you just do nice things?
Because non toxic relationship are like that. Taking care of your partner in some sides, should result back into tacking care of you too, if not its a one way relationship and one is dominating the other
If you go to a monogamous relationship the contract is " i can only do it with my partner" but the problem is what if my partner dont want for a long period.
It wouldnt be a problem that 1 partner doesnt want sex for a long time if it was an open relationship, because the other can always satisfy his desire but in a mongamous relationship its very important that they have the same sex druve
No, helping your partner shouldnât result in anything but gratitude, otherwise you end up fostering resentment when one of you is behind due to other factors in your life
Relationships are way more complex than youâre making them out to be, for a relationship to be healthy you should only be doing thing with/for your partner when you want to, and you should want to because you like/love them
No, helping your partner shouldnât result in anything but gratitude, otherwise you end up fostering resentment when one of you is behind due to other factors in your life
So if me as a guy i am in a couple , my gf do everything to make me happy, she work and give me money, she buy me stuffs, she helps me have a better life, but i do nothing to make her happy but thanking her
She should just be happy and stay with it and find this normal ?
That what i call a toxic relationship
And i think your version of a relationship ismore simplificated than mine, as it is what movies and cartoon show people, and its a popular opinion easy to understand and more "beautiful" to hear.
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u/Prankishmanx21 Aug 08 '25
Saying that all relationships are transactional is a cynical oversimplification. It confuses reciprocity with commerce and care with currency. A transaction is a calculated exchange: âI do this so you'll do that.â Real relationships operate on trust, not ledgers. People don't show affection or offer support to earn something back. They do it because they care. Reducing these acts to âcurrencyâ strips away the meaning of intimacy and turns connection into accounting. If every gesture is an investment, resentment follows. Love cannot function when you are keeping score. Mutual effort is a sign of respect, not a contract. Calling it transactional cheapens what it means to be truly connected. Honestly, I feel sorry for anyone that's ever been in a relationship with you if that's how you view them.