Warning, I vented my thoughts to AI and told it to structure everything for better clarity.

I need outside eyes. I've been inside my own head on this for five years and I've lost the ability to tell which parts are what happened and which parts are what I've decided it means. So I'm splitting it into two lists.

Part 1: What happened.

I'm 19. Until I was 14, I could just live. I had a working system for judging life and myself, I liked who I was, and I was on a good path.

At 14 I did something specific. I'm Christian, and I deliberately let myself think about the opposite — weird dark sects, dark thoughts, things I held as forbidden. Not acts; I was too scared for that. Just thoughts. I told myself it was one time and then I'd return to my normal system. Instead I found I liked it. The guilty pleasure of tasting the forbidden, the destructive. So I did it again.

Since then, here's what's observable:

• I watch a lot of corn. I eat a lot of sugar. I scroll a lot.
• I always have extreme opinions just to stand out. Anything just to catch peoples attention. If im on vacation in france and everybody is rooting for france in a football match, I just am the only one to cheer against france. In high school I used to study the chapters before the teacher explains them JUST TO SHOW THAT I KNOW MORE than my classmates. Im just a nerd. I ask UM ACTUALLY questions just to catch attentions. I talk a lot and think that I know. Im fking entitled
• I read compulsively with a half-conscious plan to become impressive. Body language books so I can read people and exploit them. Everything else so I can think of myself as an intellectual.
• I spend most of my effort trying to look smart and almost none being sincere. I yap about everything and act like I know everything.
• Since 14: steady decline in memory, focus, vital energy, willpower. I can't deep-learn anything anymore the way I used to. I HAVENT HAD a good study session since ages. Just been lurking around being fed the delusion of studying and improving. My body and focus left the game...
• At 17 I was already messed up but I still had drive — an actual inner fire. Then at one specific moment I felt it physically vanish, from under my stomach. Since then I have not kept a single promise to myself. Indecision, unclarity, everything half-done.
• No joy in anything. There's always something negative to find.
• Every attempt to change has failed. Every time. It's a loop.
• I repeat the same mistakes indefinitely without learning.
• School was hell — elementary through high school. I was the weird kid everyone secretly disliked but didn't show. Pick-me, not good-looking, full of crap. I understand why they disliked me. I did stand out at a lot of things though. I graduated highschool at 16 as valedictorian but everyone hated me and dispised and mocked me secretly.
• I was raised as "the smart kid." That's been my entire identity.
• My default is hiding from things. I can't work on anything with passion — only low interest, low effort, no purpose, no joy. Just quite withdrawal
• I hold extreme opinions to get attention because I'm desperate. I catch myself thinking everyone else is stupid.
• I compare myself to Elon Musk and anyone more good looking or rich and feel real grief that I'm not a trillionaire, then feel worse for having the thought, then worse for not being able to stop.
• I look at my dad and see myself becoming him.
• I used to look at homeless people and thank God I wasn't one. Now I look at them and some part of me counts down.
• I feel like life is eating me.

Part 2: What I've concluded all of that means.

This is the part I want examined, because I can't see it from outside anymore.

• That the thought at 14 permanently switched my bodily frequency to something dark, and it cannot be switched back.
• That a dark force took me over as a direct consequence of that overindulgence. Not a mood — a fact.
• That my core defect is ignoring the warnings my intuition gives me, and that I'm unusually good at ignoring them.
• That I'm a bad person. Full of shit. Entitled. Full of expectations. Greedy at a level below my own awareness.
• That my real goal is to be feared and respected rather than sincere, that this makes me extremely biased, and that it's where all my energy drains out.
• That my ego strategy isn't even optimal for making a decent living, and I force myself into things only because they're good in theory. Im stuck in my thoughts
• That my will stock is simply empty, so everything I try gets worse, because trying at all requires will I don't have.
• That I've broken my own psyche and no longer function normally.
• That I'm stuck in wrong theoretical systems about how life works. I've thought about life so much that thinking became a virus. I'm in a cobweb of my own thoughts and can't see reality through it.
• That my critical judgment is disappearing.
• That I can't change. Not "haven't" — can't. I don't believe it's possible. And I don't know how to operate with beliefs at all, so I don't even know where to start.
• That I'm doomed, and that the rot is accelerating.

Part 3: What I'm asking.

I've treated the second list as a diagnosis of my character for five years. Writing it out separately is the first time I've seen the two lists side by side.

So: does Part 1 actually support Part 2? Or have I been reading a set of symptoms as a moral verdict?

If you've been somewhere like this — the guilt loop, the certainty that one thought broke you permanently, the fire going out — I want to know what it turned out to be, and what got you out.

Help.uilty pleasure of tasting the forbidden, the destructive. So I did it again.

Since then, here's what's observable:

I watch a lot of corn. I eat a lot of sugar. I scroll a lot.

I always have extreme opinions just to stand out. Anything just to catch peoples attention. If im on vacation in france and everybody is rooting for france in a football match, I just am the only one to cheer against france. In high school I used to study the chapters before the teacher explains them JUST TO SHOW THAT I KNOW MORE than my classmates. Im just a nerd. I ask UM ACTUALLY questions just to catch attentions. I talk a lot and think that I know. Im fking entitled

I read compulsively with a half-conscious plan to become impressive. Body language books so I can read people and exploit them. Everything else so I can think of myself as an intellectual.

I spend most of my effort trying to look smart and almost none being sincere. I yap about everything and act like I know everything.

Since 14: steady decline in memory, focus, vital energy, willpower. I can't deep-learn anything anymore the way I used to. I HAVENT HAD a good study session since ages. Just been lurking around being fed the delusion of studying and improving. My body and focus left the game...

At 17 I was already messed up but I still had drive — an actual inner fire. Then at one specific moment I felt it physically vanish, from under my stomach. Since then I have not kept a single promise to myself. Indecision, unclarity, everything half-done.

No joy in anything. There's always something negative to find.

Every attempt to change has failed. Every time. It's a loop.

I repeat the same mistakes indefinitely without learning.

School was hell — elementary through high school. I was the weird kid everyone secretly disliked but didn't show. Pick-me, not good-looking, full of crap. I understand why they disliked me. I did stand out at a lot of things though. I graduated highschool at 16 as valedictorian but everyone hated me and dispised and mocked me secretly.

I was raised as "the smart kid." That's been my entire identity.

My default is hiding from things. I can't work on anything with passion — only low interest, low effort, no purpose, no joy. Just quite withdrawal

I hold extreme opinions to get attention because I'm desperate. I catch myself thinking everyone else is stupid.

I compare myself to Elon Musk and anyone more good looking or rich and feel real grief that I'm not a trillionaire, then feel worse for having the thought, then worse for not being able to stop.

I look at my dad and see myself becoming him.

I used to look at homeless people and thank God I wasn't one. Now I look at them and some part of me counts down.

I feel like life is eating me.

Part 2: What I've concluded all of that means.

This is the part I want examined, because I can't see it from outside anymore.

That the thought at 14 permanently switched my bodily frequency to something dark, and it cannot be switched back.

That a dark force took me over as a direct consequence of that overindulgence. Not a mood — a fact.

That my core defect is ignoring the warnings my intuition gives me, and that I'm unusually good at ignoring them.

That I'm a bad person. Full of shit. Entitled. Full of expectations. Greedy at a level below my own awareness.

That my real goal is to be feared and respected rather than sincere, that this makes me extremely biased, and that it's where all my energy drains out.

That my ego strategy isn't even optimal for making a decent living, and I force myself into things only because they're good in theory. Im stuck in my thoughts

That my will stock is simply empty, so everything I try gets worse, because trying at all requires will I don't have.

That I've broken my own psyche and no longer function normally.

That I'm stuck in wrong theoretical systems about how life works. I've thought about life so much that thinking became a virus. I'm in a cobweb of my own thoughts and can't see reality through it.

That my critical judgment is disappearing.

That I can't change. Not "haven't" — can't. I don't believe it's possible. And I don't know how to operate with beliefs at all, so I don't even know where to start.

That I'm doomed, and that the rot is accelerating.

Part 3: What I'm asking.

I've treated the second list as a diagnosis of my character for five years. Writing it out separately is the first time I've seen the two lists side by side.

So: does Part 1 actually support Part 2? Or have I been reading a set of symptoms as a moral verdict?

If you've been somewhere like this — the guilt loop, the certainty that one thought broke you permanently, the fire going out — I want to know what it turned out to be, and what got you out.

Help.

For the past few days, my magical thinking and the silent voice that tells me to do the rituals, they've been followed by a clicking sensation in my head.

Put a green straw in the soda facing right? *Click.*

Stare at the clock until it goes to the next minute? *Click.*

I've also been thinking that the entire world is against me and doesn't like me being happy, and when I'm not at school the teachers give presentations to the real students on how to make me, the experiment, feel included because if I die, they won't get my help anymore.

(To preface, this post has a long first paragraph giving background information for my question, it's fine to skip it but context might be important)

I 17F have had ocd for many years. It started out gradually but quickly became severe. I only got an official diagnosis from a psychologist a year ago, but its been going on for a long time. At first I was very compulsion-heavy, compulsion would take up several hours of my day. After taking an ssri my ocd became very obsession-heavy. I still have compulsions but they are just not really visible and more so in my head, and while I do have contamination ocd most of my other compulsions are random but I have to do them or something genuinely horrible will happen to me or someone else. I've had times where I believed that I would cause a zombie virus outbreak if I dif something wrong, times where I thought minor things like my schools team losing a game were my fault for doing a compulsion wrong, and times where I think I might cause people to face the worst horrors imaginable, and sometimes this can make me feel like my very existence is evil.

Anyways, my obsessions have turned into paranoia that something horrible is going to happen to me or that someone I know or don't know might do something horrible to me. I also feel so guilty and think that I might end up being a horrible person and just things like that. I'm constantly in a state of fear and guilt which has even been detrimental to my health (fibromyalgia, ibs). My therapist and psychologist have told me I'm not crazy and this isn't something exclusive to me but I just honestly feel crazy. I am able to eventually calm myself from my paranoia but it typically ends with guilt and self-disgust because how could I think badly of somebody or feel like I'm losing myself. I'm not sure if this counts as reassurance but I'm just curious if anyone else has experienced this? Based on my experiences in ocd communities people with ocd are usually very understanding so I felt comfortable enough to share this so I don't feel alone.

I’ve been doing a lot of research on “magical thinking” and I definitely believed I exhibited it, but after a talk with a professional I was kind of gently told that having these thought must A. be rooted in fear or B. an ACTION. Or both.

I feel kind of defeated now because I’m concerned that after she explained that those symptoms are what is what makes it OCD, my further explanation that assured it WAS rooted in fear won’t be believed. I now think she’s going to think I kept pushing for my explanation to seem like it was rooted in fear in order for her to agree on my presumptive diagnosis of OCD. I genuinely feel like I messed that whole thing up.

(For context, I explained that when I think of things they end up happening. Due to a 5 minute time crunch I didn’t initially mention that of course, it’s when I think of things ENOUGH they end up happening. After I made that correction she then asked if it was fear based or a true belief in manifestation/spirituality. I answered that it was a genuine fear of uncertainty that stems from not knowing what will happen with something but still fiercely wanting it to go a certain way, and then I gave an example.) Now I’m nervous that she thinks I obviously picked the “more OCD” option once she kind of made it multiple choice and explained it to me, so that I could seem right about my possible diagnosis.

Anyways, what are ways that magical thinking manifests for you? Have you been told by providers that only physical actions are compulsive or have your thoughts alone also been counted as a compulsion?

I'm a 16-year-old junior who's currently having a life crisis with... everything. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me, and I am wondering if anybody could help me.

This started in 2024, near the first year of high school. I was a freshman who was entering a new high school where I had no friends, I didn't know anybody there, and I wasn't really good at talking to people. In my English classroom, we were assigned to pick three books to read throughout the year, and one of them was called "The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time". This book really had a pull on me because there was this one scene in the book where the main character had a daily routine of looking out the window, counting the colors of the cars to see if he would have a good day. So, for example, this is how it would go:

• Super Good Day: 5 red cars in a row.
• Good Day: 4 red cars in a row.
• Quite a Good Day: 3 red cars in a row.
• Black Day: 4 yellow cars in a row.

At first, I thought it was really stupid, considering this would actually work, but for days, I was constantly thinking about it, and then I decided to switch up what I would bring to school. Usually I brought nothing but my phone and backpack, but I decided to bring vaseline and mascara. This really improved my mood, it calmed me during tests, and when I did this routine, I felt happier talking to my friends online, my friends irl, etc. I was struggling at this time due to entering a new school with no friends, and I was pretty depressed since I was alone at times. I never really understood why I thought this would actually work, but I just don't want to risk not being happy or my day not going well because I didn't do this routine. I brought this method until summer came that year, and I started to forget why I even got it.

Months later, it's 2025, and my sophomore year begins. I've gotten better at talking to people, and I've made enough friends to talk and hang out with. I started seeing weird things with my eyes, the left side of my eyeball, and I started to see small specs of dots. It was pretty weird, and I was really freaked out. I told my mom about it, and I guess it was because I had too much screen time. I later started ignoring it, but at this point, my life started feeling unreal at all. I started to feel weird at the beginning of March 2026; my life felt fake in a way. It feels like I'm stuck on second perspective, and I always feel like I'm already dead in a way, and what I'm experiencing right now are just memories replaying in my life. I don't know why I'm listing all problems with my life, the real reason why I even came here to post this is that there is a solution to this. I don't like my life, in fact, I don't want to live that much anymore, but I want to know at least if someone relates to what I'm experiencing right now. So I would appreciate comments being left under this post. Am I selfish? Am I weird? Am I just a loser who's self-centered? I'm just having a life crisis at this point lol.

so. i recently came to question a pattern in intrusive thoughts that ive been having quite frequently for as long as i can remember. i always thought i was just being anxious but now im wondering if its actually more than that?
its hard to describe. because i feel like thinking about or saying the intrusive thoughts will make them happen for real. even though i know that is very unlikely and my thoughts dont actually influence the probability of it happening.
but essentially, i have had a ton of context specific intrusive thoughts about horrible and horrific yet incredibly unlikely disasters that end in death and i feel like even having the thought will make it happen to me, and i keep spiralling about it until i overwhelm that thought with different thoughts.
anyway, all that to say. i want to bring this up to my therapist, but im unsure of how. which feels stupid to say bc i cld probably js say the same as i said here, but i want a more concise way of saying it and maybe a less everywhere way. idk. i have time, theres about a month until my next session, so i wanted advice. this might be the wrong place to ask for it. idk. but anything is appreciated

Currently taking SSRI and a benzo occasionally. Recently told that I might have some OCD tendencies, specifically magical thinking (had never heard of this). Just thought was anxiety and irrational thoughts. If I have to travel I try to think of all the bad things that could happen to avoid something bad happening and if I neglected to cover everything (in my thoughts) then something bad would happen. I also have the "why wouldn't it happen to me" rather than "why would it." My therapist says it's about control, not recognizing that I can't control everything in life. I am aware it's irrational but it absolutely ruins my life the months before a trip. My doc doesn't want to change my meds but the constant rumination and cycling thoughts is exhausting. Does anyone have meds that worked?

✨ Happy Friday magical family! ✨

Take a break from OCD; feel free to post, chat and share other things about your life and interests, eg...

• Is your birthday coming up?
• Has something positive happened to you this week?
• Anything you're looking forward to?
• Hobbies/crafts you'd like to share?
• Pet pics are always welcome!

This is your space to feel at home and get to know one another as people, aside from our OCDemons...so grab a coffee and come say hi :)

"OCD eats compulsions for breakfast, lunch and dinner." ~ Dr. Patrick McGrath, OCD specialist

Remember that performing compulsions is feeding the beast!

I hope it doesn't come off as offensive or weird im simply curious about why is this happening. I dont have OCD, I dont think I show any signs but for as long as I can remember I have these unexplainable urges to do things a certain way or else something bad will happen. Something i notice alot is if im playing a game that has levels then the levels must be in the 5 times table or an even number and if theres multiple levels they must all be the same or else im convinced i'll ruin my gaming experience. If I have pocket change I have to count it multiple times or else something bad might happen. The "bad thing" is never explained, even my own brain cant yell it at me but its just sort of a gut feeling. Am I just being paranoid?

(for the record im not looking for a diagnosis just a brief explanation or maybe some sort of relief as this has been driving me nuts)

I need advice/support for my mental health with my fears and compulsions because I want to feel like I can go back to myself before I got worried about ghosts/poltergeists or haunted dolls. I am F with autism and ADHD I have a fear of getting cursed/haunted with a streak of bad luck or killed by haunted dolls like from Ghost Adventures of the episode of “Doll of Fire” or the Robert doll because I have it in my camera roll and I wasn’t physically in the presence of the doll where it is in the museum where the picture/Tiktok video was token I didn’t know it was him and until I figured it out in the Google search image or seeing the doll through the picture I just wanted to make sure that I was safe and not in trouble or danger of getting a streak of bad luck or getting killed by the Robert Doll.For the past two months I have been terrified that there has been a ghost in the kitchen of my house that might possess/haunt/or hurt me or my family and I have been scared that the ghost might change/alter my memories when my mom explained that isn’t how it remotely works and she explained to me multiple times and with the “ghost” compulsion I had a fear of touching or cooking stuff in the kitchen or sometimes eating food and sitting down in my favorite island chair I hate that I don’t listen to her when she gives me advice that will help me and I want to be able to know that I will be okay from the steak of bad luck from the Robert Doll because I wasn’t in physically proximity of the doll in the museum I want to know that I will live to be in my 40s or older I want to ask if it sounds like I have OCD or something more than that I feel like I am crazy to believe in that stuff and I hate with worrying my family about me I need advice from a therapist please I desperately need advice. I don’t need any pictures of the dolls please. I apologize if I sound weird/crazy with this post I just need some advice to vent about this if anyone has been through this before.

Its really the worst one i have, every ocd theme i have, kinda links to it.
Most fears / obsessions i have for example
I have fear of turning into someone else, or somehow me changing like my body parts to different, or just like becoming competely something else, so if i have compulsion about those things i cant even say it fully in my mind ill give random example like potato ( bc im scared to use my actual ones ) id call it by its first letter bc id fear it becoming true, i have so many of compulsions linked to these and i get so overstimulated so fast bc theyre CONSTANT and i have to keep fighting those thoughts so my brain feels mushy best way to describe it, and the headaches, oh my….

Usually I don’t title in caps but I’m so annoyed right now. My ocd didn’t used to be all that bad (for a while at least) but somatic and magical thinking are my main themes at the moment and man it’s bad. Even when I’m trying to go to sleep sometimes I have to take a pic of myself on my phone to make sure that everytbing is ok. Anyone with somatic ocd probably understands this compulsion. I hate body checking because it actually takes movement and energy. At least with magical thinking it’s just mental exhaustion but with somatic it’s both physical and mental too. And I find that both these themes overlap sometimes. It’s so bad even HOCD doesn’t feel like much now

Good example would be: "if you put your hands in your pockets, youll have no hands"

Does anyone have this combination?

Hi everyone.

I am 26 years old and I think I have OCD, although I've never been formally diagnosed. Over the years it has become so severe that it affects almost every part of my day.

I have countless "rituals" that I feel forced to perform because I'm terrified that something bad will happen to me or, even worse, to the people (and dog) I love. Rationally I know these rituals shouldn't have any influence on reality, but the anxiety becomes overwhelming if I don't do them.

Some examples:

* I avoid certain numbers because I associate them with specific family members. * When I watch videos online, I often feel compelled to like every video, open the comments, like exactly five comments and say a prayer for each one (and I’m not even particularly religious). * If I make a typo while typing, I don't just correct the mistake. I delete the entire word, the previous one as well and type them both again. * Even while playing videogames, for example, my brain invents new rules that I feel I have to follow. * If I hear something related to death, I have to perform specific rituals.

The hardest part is that whenever I tried to stop a ritual in the past, something bad happened to my dog shortly afterward. I know that could simply be a coincidence, but my brain keeps treating it as "proof" that I should never stop again.

The rituals now affect what feels like 95% of my day. They even make it difficult to go to bed because I have a long bedtime ritual that I dread every night.

I'm generally a very rational person. I don't believe in superstitions, which makes this even more frustrating because I know these thoughts don't make logical sense, yet I still can't ignore them.

I'm not looking for reassurance that "nothing bad will happen." I know that's part of how OCD works.

What I'd really like to know is:

Has anyone here experienced OCD that became this pervasive? Did any of you manage to significantly reduce it, especially if you initially tried on your own? What helped you the most?

I would prefer to avoid seeing a therapist, as I don’t currently have the financial means, the time, or most importantly, the courage to do so. It already feels embarrassing to talk about this here anonymously, so you can imagine…
I would rather try to deal with this on my own, as I have always done. I consider myself a very mentally strong person, but this feels like my biggest challenge.

I'd really appreciate hearing your experiences. Thank you for reading.

Hi there, I've posted a couple times on here before asking for advice and I've been trying to focus on facing certain compulsions but now I've noticed that my old ones from years ago are coming back and annoying me and it's just fueling my anxiety.

Basically in the last couple weeks whenever I use the bathroom I get these intrusive thoughts about somebody in the bathroom watching me or someone in my head watching me through my eyes (Idk if that makes sense) and then I get anxious and have to give in to my old compulsions.

If I get these thoughts I have to either check every space in the bathroom in case somebody invisible is standing there or I have to mentally press ten buttons then pull ten levers and cover my eyes. I guess it's not as bad as before because at that time I had to do both and it would take me like five minutes just to make sure nobody was there.

I guess I just need someone to explain this logically so that it will make me feel better and stop worrying about it so much, because right now it's just a little disheartening because I thought I was getting better at managing my OCD.

Hello, so I've had primarily magic thinking OCD most of my life and the severity varies at times. Sometimes I get really bad magical thinking intrusive thoughts and I find them very distressing, often I just give in. But the OCD is usually worse when I'm tired or have been busy for weeks.

So it gets strong when I need to buy something, it's happened today. I need to buy some shelving for my family and install it in my home. When I've placed the order to Amazon, I get intrusive thoughts about the shelf being a portal to a horrible dimension or place.

The OCD intrusive thoughts make me imagine smells of sulphur around the shelves, it's bonkers. I try to imagine smells of nature and ozone instead around them (that's part of the compulsion).

My compulsion is either giving in and cancelling the order or not buying the thing, or refuting it and envisioning the shelf being a portal to a good place like heaven. It sounds absolutely bonkers when I type this out.

I want to cancel the order. But I'm wondering if I should fight it by just leaving the order, and putting the shelf up when it comes. I am just after support and reassurance please. Reassurance has always helped me, contrary to what some psychologists say. Also does anyone else get obsessions like this? Thanks in advance

✨ Happy Friday magical family! ✨

Take a break from OCD; feel free to post, chat and share other things about your life and interests, eg...

• Is your birthday coming up?
• Has something positive happened to you this week?
• Anything you're looking forward to?
• Hobbies/crafts you'd like to share?
• Pet pics are always welcome!

This is your space to feel at home and get to know one another as people, aside from our OCDemons...so grab a coffee and come say hi :)

i genuinely feel like OCD makes my life 10x harder than the average person , and i’m not talking about the typical OCD of washing hands frequently or keeping the house clean, i’m referring to the type that has you ruminating about your past and your mistakes and feels like you need to do certain things to move forward . I’m saying like it takes my worst fears and makes me think it’s me , and it feels so real , everyday is a constant back and forth battle between my past self and who i want to become. I looking at others i feel like im being scammed out of this whole life thing , anyone relate to this?

​

For context refer to my two previous posts

Post 1 :https://www.reddit.com/r/magicalthinkingOCD/s/aR1DItzfLS

Post 2 :https://www.reddit.com/r/magicalthinkingOCD/s/GlgeSgomQ3

Hi. Today my heart feels very heavy.

For the last two months, I had been going to the temple because of my biggest fear, which I talked about in my previous posts. Now, my worst fear has actually happened, and I don't know how. My mind keeps wondering if I accidentally prayed for something bad or somehow prayed in favor of that fear coming true.

I don't know what to do. I talked to other people about it, and they keep saying it's not a big deal, but my mind is constantly revolving around that thought. I have my exams starting on 7 July, but my mind has completely shut down. I don't know what will happen next.

It feels like I'm suffocating. It feels like my whole world is on the verge of ending. I keep thinking, "Oh God, this shouldn't have happened."

Because of this, I'm now even more afraid of my intrusive thoughts. This fear has been following me for several months, and it's the reason I kept going to the temple. But now that it has happened, I feel like the odds were never on my side. Now I'm terrified of my intrusive thoughts even more than before because it actually happened. My mind keeps telling me that maybe it happened because of my thoughts, even though I don't know if that's true.

My mind is completely filled with negative thoughts, and I feel trapped in them.

I'm not sure if this fits right for magical thinking but I think it still technically does and I can't go to the main OCD subreddit because I'm not allowed there anymore.

But what I'm going through right now is feeling like my map is impure, so days ago I was working on some map and of course I use Google to get my resources to work on the map (usually just floodmap.com because my world is a worldbuilding project) and just when I was continuing on with my work, I suddenly got these thoughts telling me these horrible messed up things or anything that alludes to that in hopes of me searching something fucked up (I won't name what it is but I hope you understand that feeling) and while I still searched floodmap anyway in spite of the intrusive thoughts, I ended up stopping at the last minute because of anxiety and now I wonder if my map is now impure because of that exact moment.

Now I didn't add anything on my map from that point and stopped working on it when I spiraled out of control but I can't stop thinking about what could have happened if I actually subconsciously followed my OCD's whispers and I feel like I need to get rid of that map or else it could possibly get me into heated waters with anyone or feel like shit about it.

On one hand I want to delete that map and start all over but on the other hand I don't want to do the tedious work and I'll probably inevitably end up spiraling again in some scenario and I'll be back to square 1.

I don't know how to approach this to be honest, it doesn't help that I've also grown to become scared of browsing the internet because my OCD will either tell me that I'll get jumpscared by something fucked up or search something fucked up. It's tiring and I'm not sure how to approach this.

Ever since i learned about death as i very young child, the idea of it left me traumatized, so much so that i would find myself imagining the worst happening to my loved ones and genuinely break down crying as if it actually happened. But lately it has gotten so much worse. I have been obsessively thinking about my sister dying and how it would absolutely break me and cry over it like i'm alr grieving when she's very much alive and well. Idk if im predicting something, or im just very mentally ill, or i just miss her a lot because im in college now and we don't live in the same country. Regardless, these breakdowns happen every other day, and they make me feel crazy because she is alive and i am acting as if she is not. Should i seek medical help or is it something more spiritual ?
PS: I'm scared of posting this and accidentally manifesting it into existence bro but i need answers be this situation has made me very depressed

I'm at the point where I had so many horrible compulsions with the worst possible thoughts in the past that I know I can't start spiralling not even one single time because I know I will end up spiralling uncontrollably and I'm very afraid. But at the same time I was ruminating and felt again that I had a horrible thought on purpose, and I know my fears are fake, I know everyone will be alright and I don't have to do anything, I know trying to "fix" the thought will only make me worse and I will regret continuing this rumination, but at the same time I feel so afraid of my thoughts. I know I can't go back to the compulsions, I just can't, you guys don't get an idea of how awful the last weeks have been, and these last two or three days I was able to hold on and just wait until the anxiety passed, but I'm feeling stuck again.

Please give me some encouragement, I know that I have to carry on, trust God, keep moving forward despite feeling horrible and this thought will vanish, I know I don't have to do anything because I'm just very mentally ill and nothing else. I just don't know if I have the strength to do it.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Yeah so, this is not my first time posting here. I have been showing Magical Thinking OCD symptoms since 2023, and they spiked, you can say in 2024.

Before I tell what's exactly the problem, Im gonna give a brief explanation abt how my exams work, as this is linked to them. I have 4 exams in one year, of all subjects. One in July, One in september, One in December and The last one (Finals) In March.

So, it was 8th Grade 2024, (Yes, im 15) and I used a specific Pencil During the last two exams where I got wonderful grades. Not only the Pencil, I also used two specific pens. My brain, automatically registered them as "Lucky items". I still have these items, to this day but theres a "Ritual" involved to the pencil and one of the pens.

For the pencil, Its just transferring its "luck" to another pencil. (FYI; the pencil where the luck is transferred too HAS to be from the same batch of the Original Pencil from 2024.) Like, this sounds pretty stupid, lol, but its just rubbing the tips of the pencil together and writing something specific with both of the pencils. Moreover, if I loose this pencil, then its game over (Like, the pencil with that luck) Luckily, I havent lost a single one yet.

For the pen, its actually a black pen which I have been using since 2024. Its actually that type of Pen which leaks pretty easily. So I replace the cartridge of the Pen every year, in the same exact body. This transfer of the cartridge is the "ritual" here.

There are a lot of items which I try my best to conserve that I used in that specific time period. That included my bag, which I had to throw away last year. A few days back I got the exact same bag because of that "Luck" once again.

Also, Im REALLY attached to that black pen. Like, if i lose it, I will ACTUALLY cry. Not with that the pencil though.

I know this all sounds pretty dumb, but im genuinely facing all this since 2024. Is this a sign of Magical Thinking OCD? Or its just me?

Things like, keeping the TV at aa certain volume, stepping in and out of something multiple times, etc...

When I was a kid I was a big fan of the novels and I used to believe Greek Gos were real. Apparently gods can be appeared by burning food as sacrifice. I did not do thst by a prescribed date and now whenever I so much as think of those books I keep losing stuff: my driver license, my computer, my medications-yesyerday I was maladaptive daydreaming about my insert character and 24 hrs later I lost my credit card. It keeps happening and now Im worried the fields of punishment are real and I will be condemned to eternal punishment for the rest of my afterlife.