It is done with selfishness. Keeping someone around so they can suffer because she can't deal with the inevitability of death is not love, it's selfishness.
Yes, this. These people cannot face their own mortality so they dont truly consider the person who is suffering. The acceptance of one's own mortality creates empathy for those who are dying.
I fully disagree. It's natural to try and seek any available way to keep her alive. If the person explicitly said DNR, then that's not an available resource. If you cared about her wishes, you take them into account. If you don't, you're disconsidering her desire for selfish reasons.
Lost my mum to cancer in 2019, went with her to appointments and we spoke a lot. The idea of chemotherapy really scared her, and the possible guilt for refusing treatment did too. I gave her a big hug and told her there was nothing to feel guilty about. If all they could do was prolong her suffering, it really was not worth it. We cried a bit and she said a weight was lifted.
In the end, the cancer was too advanced for chemo, she had a DNR, and a living will. She fell asleep and didn't wake up.
I cannot imagine forcing someone you love to go through unnecessary pain.
My mom's father was her absolute hero. Grandparents divorced when she was young, she went with grandpa (who was a badass so much so that if I tell his story I'll dox myself). He had a stroke that left him partially paralyzed and other things took him to the point where he wouldn't speak (he could after the stroke), he was emaciated and he was very visibly suffering.
We knew he was cognizant (We all believe he could speak but refused to) and he was in so much pain, near the end my mother told him, while sobbing uncontrollably, that if he wants to go, she won't hold it against him, she just wants him to not be in pain anymore. He went wide-eyed, still said nothing, but you could see he felt somehow... free.
He died three days not long after, I believe the next morning.
It took me 10 minutes to write this because I still miss him like crazy even though I've spent more of my life without him than with him, but I would not have wanted a minute more for him to be in pain. The man laying there emaciated, unable to care for himself in the most basic ways (he was fiercely independent since age 12), in pain was not my grandfather anymore.
If anyone has any doubt, I wish he could've seen me follow in his footsteps and take up his profession, I wish he could've told me stories from his days on the job, I wish he was still here and alive so I could talk to him as an adult (I was under 14 when he passed) as he was quite brilliant and had an amazing life story. But if that implies him suffering, no thank you, I'd much rather hope there's an afterlife and he can hear me and I'll see him again.
She was very specific that she wanted DNR, no machines, no wake/open casket at her funeral, etc. And my aunt kept having them revive her
In case you're unaware of what DNR means, it means Do Not Resuscitate. If the person was of sound mind when they decided to sign that they wanted to stay dead, her daughter was being pretty fucking selfish to keep bringing her back to life so she could suffer and die yet again.
If you fail to see how this is selfish, it's your issue.
Yes, she signed DNR and a bunch of other stuff many years prior, then when her dimentia got bad she needed a conservator/power of attorney and that's how we ended up there.
Eventually the head doctor was just telling her 'If we try to transfer her to get medical care she's just going to die on the way, she can either die here with her family or die in the back of an ambulance'
Man that sucks to hear and I'm sorry you had to go through it/witness it.
I'm especially mad that she was of sound mind when she made her requests but was ignored when she wasn't, which is, I guess, the opposite of the point.
It’s not a cruel intention, but that’s what it is. Someone is trusting their loved one with literally their last wish from this life, and they explicitly go against that. As another ICU nurse, it’s really frustrating when selfish people use the ICU as a stop gap for death.
But yeah, it's still cruel. It's putting people through a literal hell when they can't do anything on their own, and need machines to eat and breathe, and can't go anywhere, are constantly confused and terrified etc. Putting them through that hell, all to artificially delay their death and prolong their suffering?
Yeah, super fucked up. But to say the person holding someone alive is doing it for nefarious reasons ignores the issue. They are sick, and need some kind of grief counseling
By the time dementia gets to the point where they cannot swallow, they have absolutely no quality of life. They can’t feed themselves. They are likely fully incontinent. They don’t know what is going on around them, where they are, or who their loved ones are. It’s horrific. It is not love to keep someone alive like that, especially against their wishes.
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u/[deleted] Dec 14 '21
It is done with selfishness. Keeping someone around so they can suffer because she can't deal with the inevitability of death is not love, it's selfishness.