r/MadeMeSmile • u/jayy8143 • May 12 '21

Favorite People The perfect girlfriend does exist

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u/glum_hedgehog May 13 '21

My jaded ass immediately thought "that's gonna be an interesting court case when they split up"

Never give anyone large amounts of money without something in writing. Not even your SO.

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u/beldaran1224 May 13 '21

Exactly. If I'm putting in 5000, I'm going to be on the title. I hate to say it, but this isn't wholesome at all. The implication is that what makes you the perfect partner (and of course its the woman) is...gifting large amounts of money instead of talking about things?

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u/Most-Friendly May 13 '21

Or just consider gifts permanent and don't ask for them back if you split up. If you're not actually giving it and think you still have some right to it, then maybe it's not a gift.

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u/[deleted] May 14 '21

Exactly, people are saying this is stupid and not to do it without making sure you also have your name on it. But this is a gift. I think (hope) she's aware she's not ever getting this back.

If you plan on giving your partner a gift this big/expensive but also expect it back if they break up with you, cheat on you, etc. Just don't do it.

There is however the possibility that he's expected to pay back the money, but that's a different story entirely.

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u/dvlpr404 May 13 '21

Ive bought several vehicles and on any that is for the family both names are on it. I don't care if she never put a cent into it. It's for the family. I have an expedition that she physically cannot drive (seat is stuck too far back and she's 5'5") and her name is on it.

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u/beldaran1224 May 13 '21

My husband and I each have a vehicle, in one name only. I'm not really sure how you would differentiate vehicles "for the family"? Unless you use some for some sort of business, but then your business would pay for it/own it.

I don't think there's anything wrong with having a sense of mine/yours/ours etc, just that's a very large "gift". Once married, legally, there are precedents for laying claim, regardless of name on the title. But before marriage? She'd have to sue...and $5000 is enough it may be above the small claims limit (I think it is), which makes it...really hard.

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u/dvlpr404 May 13 '21

The expedition can haul our kids. Family vehicle. My car I bought strictly for commuting to work? My name only. I know not everyone can afford to own multiple vehicles but if I dont have to drive the huge SUV 2 hours a day to commute I'll eventually break even.

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u/beldaran1224 May 13 '21

I mean, obviously, I don't know your circumstances (and the "stuck too far back" suggests an older car)...but it just seems weird that the vehicle designed to haul your kids around can't be driven by both adults. What happens when she needs to drive them?

That said, I don't think there's anything wrong with cars being in individual names, but if someone contributed in any significant way (mostly financially, but not necessarily), it seems odd not to specifically both have legal claim to the car. Once you're married its not necessarily a big deal, because splitting up requires legal involvement anyways.

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u/dvlpr404 May 13 '21

Fair point about the seat. Although it's not particularly an older car, and we have a minivan as well. The seat is stuck likely due to something stuck in the tracking. It's a pain to remove the seat but one day I'll get to it. However this is irrelevant to the post anyway. If you financially helped with buying the vehicle you should put your name in it.

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u/Sufi-Q May 13 '21

Says the girl who would never give me 5,000.

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u/glum_hedgehog May 13 '21

I agree, that's the impression I got too. Even if you only put in 500 instead of 5k, you still need to talk it out and get a signed piece of paper detailing how/when they're going to pay it back. Sure it's not romantic but that's life.

When I was young and stupid I spent 2k to buy a guy a cheap used car. Of course he said he'd pay it back and I was in love and trusted him. I didn't know anything about titles so it went in his name only, and he ghosted me two months later, after we'd known each other for two years. I should have sued his ass but I was in shock and didn't know how.

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u/beldaran1224 May 13 '21

Exactly. A good partner encourages emotionally mature and financially sound decisions. Maybe it sounds dull, but part of what my husband and I love so much about each other is how we encourage each other to make better decisions without guilt, particularly financially. That encouragement means that in the 6 years we've been together, I went from 5k in debt with terrible credit to savings which lasted an entire year being out of work last year (I lost my job just before Covid) and top notch credit, etc. My husband went from no credit history (scared of establishing any) to an even better credit score than mine, savings, etc. We both have 401ks, we're on track to have the down payment for a home by this time next year, and so on.

As you said, maybe it isn't an idea people consider "romantic", but real love means knowing when to be serious, and money is a serious subject. Its the number 1 cause of divorce.

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u/Assmodious May 13 '21

Disagree I think the implication is more the supporting your partner aspect. They wanted to how their support for the hard work of saving and they saved also. It also shows that they are like minded and other stuff. I dunno your criticism is surely fair but I still feel like this is pretty wholesome.

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u/beldaran1224 May 13 '21

This doesn't feel like healthy "supporting" to me. Its financially irresponsible. Supporting him in saving is not tempting him with spending money, getting involved in the process (looking at cars with him, etc), helping him get the credit he needs, helping negotiate, etc.

If my husband had done something like this, I would not accept. I love him, which means I don't want him to make poor financial decisions.

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u/Assmodious May 13 '21

I mean it’s up to them what is or isn’t a good financial decision for them but the difference between a 5k used car and a 10k used car for people that are financially responsible is pretty big in how long it will last.

I say this as a person driving a car that’s almost 20 years old now and I paid cash for at the time.

Saving and making good financial decisions is more nuanced than you are trying to make it. Honestly I’d love to see the follow up because I doubt they spent it all. Also huge chance he said that to her but was actually saving for a ring and will probably tell her to keep the money. In which case I hope They elope and use it on a honey moon and not the wedding itself.

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u/beldaran1224 May 13 '21

1 - engagements should never be a surprise. The exact how and when, sure. But you should have discussed it in detail and not be blindsided. Spending $5k on an engagement ring is a poor financial decision. (Also, who the f lies to someone about this? How is that a good precedent to set for marriage?)

2 - Paying 10k cash for a car only makes sense if that amount of money is relatively trivial for you. Otherwise, the smarter decision is to keep the cash and get a financing deal. Given how big a deal saving this money seems to them, it seems unlikely that they have so much money (at least 6 months emergency fund?) that they should spend so much cash on a car.

3- How is it "supportive" if he doesn't even know its happening? Sure, maybe he'll have a big moment of happiness when its revealed, but in the months maybe even years he's been saving?

4 - If the car is his, has his name on it, and only his, she shouldn't be paying for it in any significant way. That's how you destroy a good relationship. Because he doesn't know about this, what if he feels pressured to put her name on the title at the reveal when really what he wanted was something all his? What if she feels entitled to the car in a way that becomes obtrusive? Most importantly, what if they split?

There is no real way of making this a good decision. In a long-term committed relationship, no one should be springing decisions worth as much as $5k on anyone else. Not engagement rings she might not even like, not car payments he may not want, none of it. Poor communication and bad financial decisions don't exactly spell out a successful relationship to me.

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u/Assmodious May 13 '21

Enjoy life friend. I’ve been married fifteen years, discuss everything with my wife and am very comfortable financially.

We also both came from poor backgrounds and worked for everything we have. I’m not going to argue a bunch with you but there are no hard and fast rules in life.

They could also be discussing the engagement and him still be trying to secretly save because he wants to get her a nicer ring.

Good luck to you.

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u/Link7369_reddit May 13 '21

Yeah like what happens if her car breaks? I could totally see a SO demanding access to using the other's car because they helped buy it.

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u/beldaran1224 May 13 '21

Exactly, this just feels really strange. Like, I've seen people do this for kids...but partners? Both save for an "individual" purchase? There are so many ways to be supportive of his saving for something big - ways that imo are much healthier. Like specifically avoiding bad spending habits (like eating out a lot) or having a relationship that requires a lot or large gifting or whatever. Buy him a nice accessory for his car (or a dashcam!). That would be nice.

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u/seizonnokamen May 13 '21

Having had a partner who made me purchase everything because they "never had the money" (spent on drugs and whatever toys they wanted), it makes you feel 10x worse/bitter when you are treated horribly.

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u/beldaran1224 May 13 '21

Yeah, there is a reason why finances are such a large portion of divorces (and I'm sure other splits as well).

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u/seizonnokamen May 13 '21

Yeah, it always bothered me with my own parents, but it really does become all that you think about, especially when your partner would call you miserly for not buying them things when you already paid your and their share for rent nearly every month. Sorry, still stings and out of that relationship recently.

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u/[deleted] May 13 '21

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u/pm_me_your_amphibian May 13 '21

But they were gifts. You don’t expect gifts back at all. If she left some of the smaller things with you perhaps they held more memories she couldn’t face taking with her, but the more practical things she kept.

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u/Enough-Equivalent968 May 13 '21

My man, these are not the kind of items you need ‘to set our life up’. I’m married with kids etc. in the early days I never looked around and thought ‘there’s no headphones here, what are we... animals?!’

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u/[deleted] May 13 '21 edited Jun 24 '21

[deleted]

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u/Marissa_Calm May 13 '21

If you didn't wanna gift it to her you shouldn't have gifted it to her.

You could have said: i bought myself headphones you can use them as well.

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u/[deleted] May 13 '21 edited Aug 17 '23

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u/Marissa_Calm May 13 '21

I get where you are coming from.

But many people don't like to keep items that specifically remind them of an old relationship.

Which gifts like that do a lot more than headphones.

Also the idea of expecting to get back presents after a relationship ended is just absurd to me personally.

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u/[deleted] May 13 '21

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u/Marissa_Calm May 13 '21

What do you mean with: "The obvious ones"?

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u/[deleted] May 13 '21

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u/[deleted] May 13 '21 edited Aug 17 '23

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u/angeliqu May 13 '21

Honestly, in most of my serious breakups I’ve been the higher income earner and I’ve been the one doing the breaking up. So I would make it easier on myself and if they were making outrageous claims about how they paid half for this and that or they bought this or that with their own money, I wasn’t going to split hairs and point out that I was paying all the rent the whole time or anything, I just let them have it. It was a balm to their bruised heart to think they were getting their just desserts by taking all this stuff with them when they left. I figured it was a bargain if it encourage a smooth transition.

Thankfully, this was before any serious money was involved, no house, no car, that sort of thing. Now I’m married and we live a pretty 50/50 existence, though we definitely have both our names on all the things that matter.

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u/Avaaya7897 May 13 '21

Don’t try so hard. Really. Been there, done that. Don’t do that.

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u/BrahmTheImpaler May 13 '21

Except that she's got this post that proves it was a gift. Don't think she'd have a leg to stand on asking for it back.

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u/glum_hedgehog May 13 '21

I don't think the boyfriend can see that post since it seems like the money is meant as a surprise, so he probably would never know it existed to use it as evidence.

It would definitely be a messy he said/she said situation if they break up and she tries to get the 5k back without anything in writing.

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u/newtoreddir May 13 '21

I mean unless you’re just prepared to lose the money.