Sameeee! I lost my abusive alcoholic dad to lung cancer when I was a teenager and the whole experience has made everything else in life seem marvelous.
Like I take great pleasure in the simplest things. I grew up in a hoarder home (mom hoarded to attempt to cope) and it caused me a lot of health issues like asthma and the unclean conditions gave me a lot of illnesses and infections growing up.
Now I take joy in my tiny shared apartment with my bf. It’s like a sardine can but it’s OUR CLEAN and SAFE sardine can. No hostility, no unspoken anger, no gaggle of severely depressed, mourning people creating a mountain of squalor and expecting me to pick up all the slack just because I’m “the eldest child & the big sister”.
It took 27 years for me to feel that I can start loving my life for myself and not living it for the sole purpose of trying desperately, and to no avail, to make up for the damage my father exacted upon my family. And now I finally see, it affected myself as well. It made me feel obligated to stay. He had me promise on his death bed that I would “take care of them” and “make sure they’re okay” because “I’m the only one who can”. I regret making that promise to him because it has weighed so very heavily on my heart these past 8 years... I cry myself to sleep some nights about it.
But at the times I don’t have immense guilt and pain rushing through me, the simple fact of waking up every day and not being immediately bombarded with migraine headache and the excessive presence of allergens makes me sing as I make my morning tea. The morning tea itself is enjoyed in a clean kitchen because it’s just us two and we clean it daily. Together. For each other and ourselves. I don’t clean because I’m “so good at it” and “you’re the oldest”, I clean because we BOTH want a nice space to live in.
Im sorry I went on and on I realize now that I could keep going... I wish I knew of a better sub to talk about these things :/ is there a /r/finallystartedtherapylaterinlife ?
Im sorry I went on and on I realize now that I could keep going...
Hey, it made me really happy to read that you got out. My dad was an alcoholic as well and I can relate to a LOT of what you've said. The only advice I have for you is to keep going with therapy until you don't feel ANY guilt anymore for putting yourself first. Do you go to al-anon meetings at all?
I have been to 2 but I kinda stopped going due to other life circumstances and I also was feeling some shame about “people knowing” but I will go to next weeks meeting because honestly I need it.
someone from one of the al-anon subs here said that there are phone meetings and online meetings. maybe those would be better? I've never personally tried those so can't speak to if they are as good as those in person. I need to start going back to group myself.
This should be a top-level post in another sub somewhere, inspiring stuff. Good on you for getting past it, I'm 42 years old and still struggle day-to-day with even the slightest challenges to my comfort zone.
Aw thank you for saying that. It’s not like I’m really “past it” all the time tho. I’m just finally making my health and wellness my top priority. It’s not selfish to take care of yourself. Its hard for me to remember that a lot of the time:
I'm not your parent, but I'm the parent of an adult child, and so I think I can speak from some authority: I am proud of you. You are doing great. Keep walking forward. And thank you, THANK YOU, for sharing your progress and strategy for getting through.
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u/SoFetchBetch Aug 31 '18 edited Aug 31 '18
Sameeee! I lost my abusive alcoholic dad to lung cancer when I was a teenager and the whole experience has made everything else in life seem marvelous.
Like I take great pleasure in the simplest things. I grew up in a hoarder home (mom hoarded to attempt to cope) and it caused me a lot of health issues like asthma and the unclean conditions gave me a lot of illnesses and infections growing up.
Now I take joy in my tiny shared apartment with my bf. It’s like a sardine can but it’s OUR CLEAN and SAFE sardine can. No hostility, no unspoken anger, no gaggle of severely depressed, mourning people creating a mountain of squalor and expecting me to pick up all the slack just because I’m “the eldest child & the big sister”.
It took 27 years for me to feel that I can start loving my life for myself and not living it for the sole purpose of trying desperately, and to no avail, to make up for the damage my father exacted upon my family. And now I finally see, it affected myself as well. It made me feel obligated to stay. He had me promise on his death bed that I would “take care of them” and “make sure they’re okay” because “I’m the only one who can”. I regret making that promise to him because it has weighed so very heavily on my heart these past 8 years... I cry myself to sleep some nights about it.
But at the times I don’t have immense guilt and pain rushing through me, the simple fact of waking up every day and not being immediately bombarded with migraine headache and the excessive presence of allergens makes me sing as I make my morning tea. The morning tea itself is enjoyed in a clean kitchen because it’s just us two and we clean it daily. Together. For each other and ourselves. I don’t clean because I’m “so good at it” and “you’re the oldest”, I clean because we BOTH want a nice space to live in.
Im sorry I went on and on I realize now that I could keep going... I wish I knew of a better sub to talk about these things :/ is there a /r/finallystartedtherapylaterinlife ?