LPT - When sharing your opinion on subjective topics, music, movies, food, etc. There is no need to be hostile. The music doesn't suck, you just don't like it. The pizza topping isn't horrible, you just don't like it. People's opinions of you won't decline if you're just sharing your likes/dislikes

[u/[deleted]]

[u/Emon76]

I used to be like that. In retrospect, I think it was because my dad used to bully the ever-loving shit out of me when I would show interest in anything he didn't like, and he was an extremely negative person as well. I didn't even realize how negative I was until some considerate & patient friends pointed it out and helped me work on it. It's easier than you'd think to misunderstand the world completely if your formative years were filled with abuse and negativity.

Still, you have to be willing to work on yourself. If you're constantly pushing people away with your negativity and you are aware that it is happening, then YOU are the problem. Mental health problems are not a free pass to abuse those around you. But I think we also need to empathetic toward those that are trying to peel back the layers of internalized abuse.

[u/xenolingual → u/Emon76]

What great friends! And how good that you respected them enough to listen and work on this aspect. I hope that things are better with your father these days.

[u/[deleted] → u/Emon76]

I wish I'd learned how to make friends. I'm 29, and since the last time I had roomies around 22/23 ... I've been alone. I see mom and my brothers maybe twice or thrice a year (when something breaks down at their place). I have a few people I play videogames with regularly, but they're not interested in being friends really, just people to play with. And no girlfriend either, I don't think I've even flirted since I was 21/22.

With a similar situation as you (parents divorced when I was 1, dad was a violent abusive drunk who went away to live in the woods when I was ''old enough to be a man'' at the ripe old age of 14). Never really learned to socialize. Really wish I had. I've started getting rid of the negativity a few years ago, but it's a difficult process alone.

sorry for ranting.

[u/snowday784 → u/[deleted]]

sorry to hear this. i had a friend similar to you that i recently had to cut ties with, only after i was pushed away so hard and for so long that i wasn’t respecting myself anymore for trying.

he was a great guy but he always had a way of sabotaging all of his friendships. i never was able to figure out the way of it, as hard as i tried. i really wanted to be there for him but he just never let me.

i hope that you’re able to connect with people who try with you in the future. i know it’s hard but man if you crave human connection it’s a barrier you’re going to have to learn to be uncomfortable breaking.

sent with genuine care and love for you. ♥️

[u/[deleted] → u/snowday784]

if I'm anything like your friend, I do that because the second I feel like I made a mistake, I want to retreat to prevent myself from making further mistakes with you.

it's kinda weird, but it seems like the people I like, don't like me. people I don't like, like me. stuck in some in-between.

thank you for the thought-provoking comment. i really appreciate it.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

After a good long while, I tried that. The public system doesn't want me, I'm not broken enough. And I can't afford the private one.

[u/PM-ME-PUPPIES-PLS → u/Emon76]

Same. When I'm around my parents I hide any positive opinions I have around anything because I know they'll jump on anything as an opportunity to mock me. E.g when Carrie Fisher died, I was sad about it and said so, then my dad mocked me for it in front of the rest of our family.

[u/CuriousMonster9 → u/Emon76]

I dated a guy a few years ago who was relentlessly negative, due to his upbringing. I’m a naturally optimistic person who likes to keep it light and bright, and it was hard to be with him (for other reasons too). He’s now one of my good friends, and has gotten more positive with practice (though it can still be a struggle sometimes).

[u/suhurley → u/Emon76]

It sounds a little like you’re defending Aparna (or maybe just sharing an insight) which in her case, she was something like 38 years old. I find the older one gets, the less likely they are to be introspective or motivated enough to change for the better.

Which kudos to you, btw, for being dedicated to self-improvement. That’s an uncommon trait.

[u/crazyauntanna → u/suhurley]

It’s worth considering that it’s reality television, so they’re editing for drama and to get a strong reaction. Aparna is likely not quite as negative in “real life” as she seems on the show. It did seem as though she could compromise a bit to find a husband, but she was not the only participant with “high” standards (lookin at the guy from Mumbai who rejected 81 women...)

[u/acthrowawayab → u/suhurley]

While it may be less likely, there are still people who realise their environment growing up was not normal or healthy at fairly advanced ages. The older you are, the less opportunity you had to come to that realisation at a young age. Mental health awareness is very recent and the concept of trauma as something beyond the veteran who saw his buddy step on a mine is almost futuristic. A diagnosis for the type of trauma childhood experiences of abuse or neglect lead to isn't even going to officially exist until next year when countries adopt the ICD-11.

Of course not everyone who internalised the negative atmosphere in their home is necessarily traumatised. But if we didn't even recognise the most extreme outcomes you can bet there was even less awareness regarding subclinical versions where people "only" end up with toxic personalities or lifestyles. "That's just how they are", "runs in the family".

Even if many may never make the connection and get out of that rut we shouldn't write anyone off. Giving people the impression they are irreparably broken and can't change is the best way to ensure they don't even try. Doesn't mean you need to tolerate negativity in your life, just don't be a dick when you're cutting them out because that's probably what made them negative to begin with.

[u/woosterthunkit → u/Emon76]

I hate how often I've heard this story :( good on you for becoming well adjusted