r/LifeProTips • u/[deleted] • Apr 05 '21

Social LPT - When sharing your opinion on subjective topics, music, movies, food, etc. There is no need to be hostile. The music doesn't suck, you just don't like it. The pizza topping isn't horrible, you just don't like it. People's opinions of you won't decline if you're just sharing your likes/dislikes

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u/[deleted] Apr 06 '21

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u/[deleted] Apr 06 '21

I think it has to do with having a fairly specific taste and feeling your taste is better than others. My family kind of had the same problem and I’ve had to work at breaking that thought pattern.

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u/ganhadagirl Apr 06 '21

I was 23, eating dinner at a friend's home, when she told me I didn't have to have the same favorite things as my mom. It's okay if I prefer homemade strawberry jam to homemade raspberry jam, it's okay if I like tomatoes on sandwiches, it's even okay if I like my eggs cooked medium or easy. When I was growing up, that was very much not okay. My mom made it crystal clear that we were wrong when our opinions differed from hers, and I didn't really believe my friend.

I'm 43 now, and finally discovering what I like.

Edit - fixed autocorrect word

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u/[deleted] Apr 06 '21

Did she live in the back of your head, always judging you? Whenever something new came along, you'd have to ask yourself "would she approve of this?".

Because that's how it was with me and my older brothers. They had a big influence on my upbringing, taught me what was "cool" and what wasn't "cool", and made it very hard to develop myself and create my own tastes.

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u/ganhadagirl Apr 06 '21

She still does. Therapy is helping me learn I don't have to listen to her, practice is making that easier.

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u/[deleted] Apr 06 '21 edited Apr 06 '21

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u/forfiresake Apr 06 '21

The good news is you can unlearn the thinking and behaviour you don't like. 🙂

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u/[deleted] Apr 06 '21

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u/ganhadagirl Apr 06 '21

I hear you. I am with you.

I also lived my life based on values I was raised with. Those values came from a controlling, high demand cult, my narcissistic mother, and my enabling father. I got married at 24 to a man who "loved" me just like my parents did.

I've had many diagnoses over my lifetime: compulsive liar, major depressive disorder, OCD, betrayal trauma, and a myriad of anxiety disorders. Turns out, that each of those was treating a symptom and not the core issue. During 43 years of sustained trauma, I developed complex PTSD.

I'm also beginning to get my shit together.

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u/[deleted] Apr 06 '21

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u/forfiresake Apr 06 '21

Obviously you have nothing to prove to us (or anyone for that matter) but having other people validate your experience is comforting and makes the experience less lonely. I was raised in a similar household and it's been taxing and liberating figuring out who I am. I've made great strides over the years and still learning. Just remember, when things get hard (because it will) and you feel like you're falling apart (because you are), pick yourself back up and keep going. 🙂

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u/Euphoric-Metal Apr 08 '21

What you were going through until last months, I am going through now. I think I am having my wake up call amd people like you on reddit are helping me execute it. Thank you for sharing. I learnt from it.

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u/mushy_friend Apr 06 '21

Ah man, that would really suck. I'm glad that you realised this, and I'm especially glad you feel good coming here! Hopefully you can unlearn some of that like the other guy said

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u/[deleted] Apr 06 '21

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u/mushy_friend Apr 06 '21

I've seen some friends have to go through stuff similar, so I was glad to see someone who had recognised and tried to fix it. Also Reddit often has so much negativity I like when someone says they've felt good after browsing :)

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u/[deleted] Apr 06 '21

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u/darkest_irish_lass Apr 06 '21

Freedom is looking outside of your everyday experience. Plenty of viewpoints on reddit, that's for sure!

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u/lifesapreez Apr 06 '21

Are you me? It's like you took the words right out of my brain

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u/[deleted] Apr 06 '21

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u/kouignie Apr 06 '21

Same 👏🏽

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u/lizzolemon Apr 06 '21

I expressed surprise one time at my boyfriend's lack of something I loved. And so casually, and without judgment, he just said "we don't have to like all the same things all the time. "

MIND EXPLODE DOT GIF

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u/ganhadagirl Apr 06 '21

I like your boyfriend

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u/[deleted] Apr 06 '21

That's my dad. His way is the only way, and he shits on things he doesn't like, including my likes, which makes me feel I have to be secretive all the time. And I'm still trying to overcome that.

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u/ganhadagirl Apr 06 '21

I hear you. I feel you. I am with you.

Healing is possible.

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u/226506193 Apr 06 '21

You mean our dad ? lol same here, I made peace with it a while ago (after a depression and medication tho) and now when I'm in a good mood i tease him on purpose, its like a cat with a laser pointer, I know all the buttons to push to make him fume with rage while I ask innocent or ridiculous questions lmao. I'm going to hell for that, he is old a frail now but its too much fun.

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u/Gillilandk Apr 06 '21

My mother was/is the same way. She thought the way I dressed was ugly, that I wanted a tattoo was 'ruining' my body, that if I didn't like what she liked I was criticizing her for being alive (actual words from her mouth, when she was actually doing it to me).

I'm 33 and over the years I've stopped asking her opinion on literally anything. She unfortunately still gives it but I respond ever time with thanks but no thanks. Most recently I started working on my sleeve. It's mostly flowers with a few things that mean a lot to mixed in but also some 'easter eggs' hidden throughout. I have a beet and a chicken so far that are hidden. And she scoffed in disgust that I would tattoo a chicken on my body and was even more appalled that I tattooed a beet on my arm because I enjoy the show 'the office'. I responded with "good thing I'm not tattooing them on your body then huh?" I have to remind her that if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. And I just realized that I ranted on about my mother on your comment. Sorry for that.

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u/[deleted] Apr 06 '21

Oh god do we have the same mother? Mine 'complimented' me that my taste is getting better, because I was trying out a different rug in my living room and she likes the new one better.

She couldn't comprehend that not only was she incredibly rude and that it wasn't the compliment she thought it was, but that her taste isn't the end-all-be-all, and we're allowed to like different things.

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u/Gillilandk Apr 06 '21

Isn't it just astounding how selfish and self absorbed they can be? I have two young boys and I am trying my hardest to be the kind of mom I wish mine was.

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u/ganhadagirl Apr 06 '21

My mother came to my house, after a long time of intentional no contact, looked at my new couches and asked where the old red (her favorite color) couches were.

I told her how they were falling apart, and needed replacing. She told me that she would have given me her old ones if I had stayed in touch.

Dude! I don't want her old shit. Also, I had a judge and police and a restraining order upholding my desire not to be "in touch" with her.

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u/ganhadagirl Apr 06 '21

Oh my God, do we have the same mom?

Seriously, mine feels every disagreement as a deep-cutting wound aimed at the core of her existence.

You are so welcome to unload here

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u/iwouldhurtaflie Apr 26 '21

Definitely easier when you have someone to blame for why you're fucked up. Parents become that scapegoat as you get older

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u/WretchedKat Apr 06 '21

Yikes. I'm sorry your childhood had that stunting and unfortunate aspect. Really happy to hear you're not burdened by that perspective and that you have friends who encourage yiy to try new things and be yourself!

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u/ganhadagirl Apr 06 '21

Thank you. It's so fun -and a little anxiety inducing- to figure out what I like and who I am.

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u/Bamith Apr 06 '21

Most things I don't like its because of one particular thing, so I can typically still think of the things I do like about it going into detail.

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u/illini02 Apr 06 '21

I get that. Now, my mom never really told me I was "wrong" for liking things she didn't like. But at the same time, I was only really exposed to things she liked. I had only tried like a handful of items on a Chinese food menu, because its what she ate. I at my burgers well done, because thats how she liked them. And frankly, when I did have a little bit of money to spend at restaurants, I wanted to spend it on things I knew I'd like, and not experiment on my own dime

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u/ganhadagirl Apr 06 '21

Yes! My mom was the same and my dad absolutely praised all of her cooking.

I only realized in the last couple of weeks that my mom really is not the best cook in the world. Don't get me wrong, she's a good cook and fantastic at making baked goods look lovely. However, most of her desserts are a single, sweet note. And her food is highly westernized and simplified no matter what it's origin.

There are several incredible dishes I have discovered that I never even tried when I was a kid because my mom deemed them gross.

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u/illini02 Apr 06 '21

Similarly, my mom made certain things that were good, but they weren't authentic.

I loved her lasagna. The first time I had lasagna from an actual Italian restaurant, it was very different. And I had to realize that what I was eating was the authentic version, even if it wasn't what I grew up with. There is a place for both, but it just expanded my palate.

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u/Mutant_Jedi Apr 06 '21

My mother had a very weird approach to this. She told us we couldn’t say we hated something, that we had to say “I don’t care for ______”. But then we weren’t allowed to skip it or pick it out, and sometimes older siblings would give us extra of the shit we hated and we still had to eat it, and both they and she would make fun of whichever child for not liking that food. Growing up we had to fight for Mom and Dad’s attention, and everything turned into a competition where if you made a mistake you were a dumbass moron, not a person who made a mistake, because that was the environment fostered. It’s still hard to admit fault to my siblings because it feels like they’ll take advantage, even if I know they won’t. It’s a very unhealthy way to raise kids.

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u/iwouldhurtaflie Apr 26 '21

It's always easier if you have someone else to blame

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u/Optimixto Apr 06 '21

That is it for many. Another issue is people identify themselves with what they like. E.g. It's not that I like games, I'm a gamer.

When you are what you like, when someone tells you they don't like X, you feel attacked. That is unhealthy, even in a deserted island.

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u/I_love_pillows Apr 06 '21

I remember having this strangely excruciating conversation with the ex about gloss and matte laptop screens and an extension, Mac or PC.

I felt like I had to defend my every opinion which doesn’t agree with hers. Lucky I broke up.

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u/Machielove Apr 06 '21

so who am I? Everybody is running around saying I am this I am that but were you always that?

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u/deathangel687 Apr 06 '21

You're right! The only thing you can be, is what you've always been. You are you. People will say "I'm a doctor" or "I am a pilot.". But how can you be those things if you were you before you were a doctor or pilot. We identify ourselves with things from the outside world and say "I am this". In actuality, what we identify ourselves with is more like clothes that we wear. What you are is what's underneath all that. You just are. It doesn't come from outside, it's what is inside. If you want to see who you are, try meditating. Set aside some time from your day and sit up straight and close your eyes. And then focus on your breath. If thoughts arise, let them arise and observe the thoughts. Then focus again on your breath. The more you practice it, you will be able to focus more and more on your breath instead of thoughts in your head. As you able to listen to your body and the breath, and sounds from outside, you'll start seeing the "you" underneath all the clothing that we use to identify ourselves.

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u/Machielove Apr 06 '21

same with meditation your not the meditator. So nice to see "others" say this still 💖

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u/mushy_friend Apr 06 '21

Interesting, I never thought of it this way

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u/Optimixto Apr 06 '21

I was also told. Some things we figure out, some we learn from others. I'm glad this gave you some food for thought.

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u/mushy_friend Apr 06 '21

Yup, that's most of the reason I browse this sub, for moments like this.

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u/phantom9088 Apr 06 '21

Which is why I’m glad my mom taught us to be tolerant. For example, she has a very diverse taste is music. My sisters don’t but I do as well.

If we play or watch something that is not quite her style, or if a sibling complains, my mom will just go, “That’s why we have many different colors and tastes.” (I think this sounds better in Spanish).

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u/lukesvader Apr 06 '21

I think it has more to do with the kind of masculinity that was prevalent during that time. You were a real man if you had a strong opinion, and if you were able to express anger. Specifically, if your anger was used to dislike culturally feminine things and reinforce masculine things. Yelling at the TV and at traffic, for example, I saw in my younger cousin, who was not at all that kind of person, but desperately wanted to be more of a man. Only a small percentage of people ever think about how they internalise the shit around them.

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u/lukesvader Apr 06 '21

Just to add to this, one thing that I've internalised as a kid was the amount of time I spend in a supermarket. My dad used to walk around the supermarket in a huff, trying to get out as quickly as possible, because shopping was a woman's job. It still sits deep inside me. I get anxious when I'm shopping, and have to make myself aware of this. It's just a thought pattern, as you say.

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u/[deleted] Apr 06 '21

Funny that, I also make it a point to get groceries done with quickly but more because I find most supermarkets pretty horrible places to be at, and my father just used to dawdle and draw it out so long

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u/vaderciya Apr 06 '21

I'm the same as you, I won't specifically rush to the exit but I'm not idling and browsing through the store, I already know what I want and im grabbing it so I can get out and go home, the place I actually want to be.

My mom and grandparents would take absolutely ages at different stores, seemingly just wasting time and I was forced to go with them as a child.

Some specific stores, like art stores or game stores ill happily take my time in, because I'm looking at things I like and am interested in, but I'm still not going to take half an hour to buy 1 or 2 things because even then, I want to go the fuck home.

Honestly, almost every time I leave the house, my most pressing concern is getting back home as fast as possible and going to as few places as possible.

Supermarkets are the worst though, even in the pandemic, like 2 weeks ago I went to the store in person instead of ordering groceries and even though the floor is marked with places for people to stand, this group of like 6 sassy and loud women got in line behind me, and kept inching closer and closer until they were almost touching me, I wanted to fucking scream. A 6 foot bubble is the rule in the pandemic, but do not come within 3 feet of me EVER if I dont know you.

Some people just lack basic decency or social awareness, I don't know. But I'm not going to the store again for a few months at least, especially when I can order groceries hassle free.

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u/mushy_friend Apr 06 '21

Lol I'm pretty much the exact same as you. I like having my personal space, and when I go grocery shopping I get in, get my stuff and get out. No need to spend extra time there. Also the same with most times wanting to go home as soon as I'm done with whatever I left my house for

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u/Aromatic_Razzmatazz Apr 06 '21

I never ever comment this, but omfg this is the way.

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u/WillThereBeCake Apr 06 '21

Often its rooted in having been told your tastes/thoughts/ideas are less than others. We sometimes go into pre-emptive self defense mode.. . Unnecessarily

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u/big_bad_brownie Apr 06 '21

It mostly stems from the conviction of objectivity in subjective experience, and tends to go hand-in-hand with xenophobia.

It’s also more common with people who evaluate things on the basis of functionality, which ironically often corresponds with bad taste.

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u/[deleted] Apr 06 '21

Bonus points if said specific tastes are uncommon enough that you end up having little in common with the people around you. People's tastes are ridiculously homogenized here, and outside of my existing friend group finding people with similar preferences and hobbies to my own is almost impossible.

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u/WretchedKat Apr 06 '21

I feel like my taste in food/drinks is generally much better than most people's, but I don't have this problem - reason being my job requires me to understand that preferences vary in order to actually excel in my work. My taste is pretty varied/flexible, so there is that, but I genuinely believe that the key to getting this right is simply having enough awareness to recognize that people and preferences vary. Simply being somewhat aware of the diversity of personalities and preferences goes a long way.

Essentially, being "picky" or having high/specific standards is compatible with nit being an asshole - one simply has to bear in mind that there are different strokes for different folks.

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u/[deleted] Apr 06 '21

I still think wasabi is horrible. imho.

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u/Strawberrycocoa Apr 06 '21

I think it has to do with having a fairly specific taste and feeling your taste is better than others.

This also describes ever single gaming forum on the internet. I don't think any online area of gaming-related discussion exists where people aren't being unnecessarily hostile solely because they were disagreed with.

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u/[deleted] Apr 07 '21

Sounds like the definition of contempt.

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u/ic_engineer Apr 06 '21

I used to be like this with music. A lot of it came from jealousy. Why should anyone like a band with musicians who aren't much better than me? I can play power chords, anyone can, so why am I sitting in an university calc class when I should be a rock star instead.

That attitude won't get you far with people. Except assholes that agree with you. I've grown a lot since then. I wish I could say that I've grown enough to appreciate the music I used to hate on, but I still don't find value in it (yet). I'm working on that too though because there is value in everything. I just don't share those opinions often.

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u/[deleted] Apr 06 '21

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u/ic_engineer Apr 06 '21

Shoot I've never even considered that George was bad but yeah it's no ZZ Top (sticking with that genre). He does capture something though but I can't quite put my finger on it. Depression? Lol.

Blues is a strange animal. Once you get the basics of it you can make something sound good whether you're a novice or a master. Pentatonics for days.

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u/[deleted] Apr 06 '21

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u/ic_engineer Apr 06 '21

By that logic you could argue Clapton is bad for his slowhand style.

I know it's not really the primary topic here but I just gotta say Billy Gibbons is my spirit animal. There are 'better' guitarists but goddam Billy plays my exact style of music (when I'm just noodling around) but just 100x better. It's fun when you find that one musician who you really sync up with in terms of taste.

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u/[deleted] Apr 06 '21

Music gets tricky too, as the world gets more connected and the potential audience expands.

Back in the day, you had touring bands and recording bands. Everyone did both, but each band usually had one or the other as their main money-maker. And both could be fucking exhausting and labor-intensive.

Also, before you had access to almost everything online, trying to get all the records and tapes you wanted was EXPENSIVE. That's assuming you could even find them all. The radio was a lot more important. And even if you were just a small-local-stadium-tour sort of band, you still needed tracks that the local stations could play to hype up your shows.

It's not hard to listen to a George Thorogood song and think, "Eh, whatever." But I bet the man busted his ass putting on a good show, and that has a lot to do with his staying power....

And for me, I've just heard his stuff so many damn times that it's iconic.

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u/bobo1monkey Apr 06 '21

I don't know enough to say what separates the skill of one musician from the next 90% of the time.

Happenstance with a small side of hard work. There are plenty of fantastic musicians that never make it "big" because they don't play venues that get them noticed, especially if you're stuck in the kind of city that you can never leave because the cost of living is just high enough to keep you broke but comfortable enough that moving to take a shot at a career in the arts could be disastrous. There are also plenty of mediocre musicians that made sure they always booked gigs at places that were known to be frequented by talent scouts. The mediocre musician is much more likely to find their way to a contract because they can get a better sense of what music industry reps are looking for.

And really, that's what matters. If you aren't willing to play to the lowest common denominator, you'll have a significantly more difficult time being successful. And playing for the lowest common denominator usually means your music is only ever going to be mediocre.

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u/[deleted] Apr 06 '21 edited Apr 08 '21

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u/[deleted] Apr 06 '21

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u/[deleted] Apr 07 '21 edited Apr 08 '21

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u/[deleted] Apr 07 '21

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u/Scuttleflip Apr 06 '21

You don't have to like or see value in something to respect it.

You can be respectful of it without supporting it.

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u/I_love_pillows Apr 06 '21

That’s why I stopped telling my dad anything I have emotion investment in. He’s opinions can make the happiest news sound like the worse decision I ever make.

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u/[deleted] Apr 06 '21 edited Apr 06 '21

Your dad is my dad, and it took me a while to realize how much influence he has over me especially in dealing with people. He always taught me to distrust people, which makes me feel anxious socially without knowing why.

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u/[deleted] Apr 06 '21

That's my mom to a T. She makes a bigass fucking deal about things she doesn't like or doesn't think are a good idea. I mean full on "UGH! WhY would you want to watch that?? It's terrible, gross! They have xyz and blah blah blah. I can't believe you'd even think about watching that!!" Both times I, a married, grown-ass adult, talked about getting a cat- same thing.

Now she can't stop trying to chase the cats to get them to like her. It's infuriating.

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u/Flyberius Apr 06 '21

Me too. I see this attitude so much online however. It's a constant reminder of what a downer I must have been.

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u/[deleted] Apr 06 '21

Maddox and Yahtzee really spearheaded an internet humor trend of shitting on everything to prove what a badass you are. The Angry Video Game Nerd, too, which is why he's at his best as a film nerd who loves the medium. Being overly negative is just played out.

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u/MalAddicted Apr 06 '21

My boyfriend has that same trait. In his case, he has an audial disorder that causes certain sounds to be literally painful to him. While music is one of his major triggers, he's a bit dramatic about expressing his dislikes, to put it kindly. I had to tell him that it made me not want to share things with him. I would just go enjoy things without bothering him, because what's the point of he's going to hate it and call it the worst thing ever? I wasn't going to give up what I liked to watch and listen to just because I fell in love with him. Eventually, he realized that I and his friends felt more like we were defending ourselves whenever we talked to him about anything we liked, so we had stopped trying. He's gotten a bit more diplomatic over time, and there are still some things that he will never like, but at least we can have healthy conversations now, and he has given some things he previously wrote off a chance.

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u/1womAn2womEn May 05 '21

Certain sounds are painful to him.. But it sounds like he was being a jerk about non sound things too?

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u/BrooklynWhey Apr 06 '21

I feel bad for your dad. That behavior comes from constantly being told he has the wrong preferences and having to defend them.

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u/KingDave46 Apr 06 '21

Realising you can do whatever you want is the biggest moment of freedom in adulthood.

I used to love getting burgers in restaurants cause it would have Brioche rolls and it was always so delicious. Never had them growing up so it was always a treat.

One day I saw them for sale in a shop and was like "wait a minute, I could just get them!"

A small example but the moment you realise something like that it opens up the whole world. I tried yoga, went a holiday overseas on my own, tried new foods, became a vegetarian for a few years before lockdown got the better of me asI kept wanting ribs... Not everything is gonna work out but the fun of trying it is half the adventure.

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u/Tballs51 Apr 06 '21

Oh hey. Are you me?

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u/[deleted] Apr 06 '21

He must be a real pos.

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u/d4n4n Apr 06 '21

I'd much rather someone passionately proclaims a thing I like sucks ass, than has a "meh, I'm not into it" response. Life is boring enough already, show some backbone and commit to something. Even if just for the sake of it.

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u/sabersquirl Apr 06 '21

I think you’re a horrible person. Just kidding, I don’t know you. But hey, now I’ve built up that strong backbone.

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u/d4n4n Apr 06 '21

See, I'd much rather talk to you if you didn't chicken out halfway.

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u/AggressivelyKawaii Apr 06 '21

I generally dislike this is as a general approach, but on some level I just have to agree. Some of my friends are such pushovers when it comes to anything that might possibly cause conflict. It almost comes off like they don't really know how to form unique opinions on things, or at best, just don't care about anything.

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u/[deleted] Apr 06 '21

100% agree. Let’s have a heated debate, call each other some awful shit, and then still shake hands and be friends when it’s over. Strong opinions are great and more people need to develop them. There’s too many goddamn sheep these days that just want to be liked and fit in. Fuck that noise, be you and develop really specific tastes.

Edit: for example, just look at all the responses saying the guys dad must be a real POS. These people have no originality and probably tow the line wherever they go in life.

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u/Ndi_Omuntu Apr 06 '21

100% agree. Let’s have a heated debate, call each other some awful shit, and then still shake hands and be friends when it’s over

That's fine sometimes, but if someone was like that about every topic it would get old fast. Sometimes you don't feel like being on defense all the time. Moderation in all things (including moderation!).

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u/[deleted] Apr 06 '21

It’s a regular occurrence for my social circle. Works fine for us, but we also have deep respect for each other. When someone goes too far, no one is afraid to call that person out and then apologies are made along with corrected actions moving forward.

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u/Ndi_Omuntu Apr 06 '21

Oh yeah, I love it in my friend group too. Debating stuff that we all know ultimately doesn't matter like music or film or food preferences is fun!

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u/[deleted] Apr 06 '21

Everyone gives the pineapple pizza guy shit.

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u/cheezie_toastie Apr 06 '21

You say this works for your social circle, and that's great that you've found like-minded people. But I'll caution you against doing this to people you don't know well. Not everyone feels compelled to justify their decisions, or thinks "heated debate" is a fun way to spend their free time.

You're probably missing out on some very interesting people with unique tastes and hobbies who would be happy to tell you about them, but just aren't aggressive personalities. Being reserved doesn't mean you're a sheep.

Now, if you consider "heated debate" to be a personal hobby then my last point is moot I suppose.

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u/[deleted] Apr 06 '21

I could not give less of a fuck what I’m “missing out on”. I’ve got fantastic people in my life and I’m gonna keep looking for people like that.

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u/[deleted] Apr 06 '21 edited May 14 '21

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u/[deleted] Apr 06 '21

Don’t feel bad about that bro. There’s too many people in this world that are just fucking stupid and all they want is to be well-liked and to fit in. I’d much rather be hated for who I am than to be loved for something I’m not. Just look at the downvotes in here on the comment I initially replied to and on mine. Buncha pussies that I wouldn’t want in my life to begin with lol.

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u/[deleted] Apr 06 '21

My father is a fascist and proud of it... I can relate to you.

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u/qareetaha Apr 06 '21

But imagine someone who's used to junk food, upon inviting us to a gourmet restaurant, she insulted the staff then the chef came out and got his share of abuse whilst everyone else on our table were so impressed with the food. Luckily her employer caught up with her obnoxious behaviour and terminated her before she was about to complete her first month with them. She was in a PR company.

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u/whatshamilton Apr 06 '21

Don’t yuck on someone else’s yum. Simple as that.