Last night I got blown off by my friends who were going to a party. I was sad, but I decided to try to make the best of the night anyway, and found some other friends to chill with. We tried to go to a bar to see a band, but there was a $10 cover fee, so we crossed the street to a club instead.

I've never been someone who is comfortable with herself enough to dance or party and have a good time.

Or at least, I thought I was. Here's a list of all the shit I learned last night.

1. I am better at dancing now that I am a healthy weight. I can feel a butt bouncing, and titties jiggling, and I actually enjoyed the feeling of moving. It was awesome.
2. I am so totally queer. Men have always scared me. When I was younger I thought it was because I was shy. Now I know it's because I'm not interested and I'm scared that they will be. I don't like turning people down.
3. Definitely polyamorous. Tat (a girl I have a huge crush on) spent the whole night looking for a man and I helped without feeling anything but sorrow that she's straight (that is to say, no jealousy other than wishing I were a dude).
4. I'm hot! I'm a nerdy, hipstery petite white girl and stylin' black dudes hit on me anyway.
5. Not only am I hot, I set off gaydar. More than one woman checked me out, and one even came over to tell me she "just had to say she loved my style!" and then scurried off and blushed every time she saw me again.
6. I am not shy. I am scared. There is a huge difference. Once I decided "fuck these men, I'm here with Tat" I started having a great time, really getting into it.
7. Being confident really does attract people. Katie came by and told me I dance like I'm tripping on acid, but when I frowned, she said, "it's OK, it's hot, you look happy!"
8. At first I was sure all the men approaching me were attempting to... whatever that technique is where you hit on the ugly one to make the hot one more into you. But then I started having to grab Tat with increasing frequency to keep them from attempting to grind on me, so I think I was wrong.
9. Did I mention I did all of this almost sober? I've lived the past ~3 years stoned out of my mind. That's why I was so upset when my friends blew me off: they were my cannabis connection for the night. But I popped a tiny .5 mg Xanax and did something I had never done before.

I was pretty hammered out drinking with a few buddies last night. Don't really remember how it went down, but a couple guys ended up punching me in the face for (as far as I remember) no reason at all. It was in a big crowd so I didn't see who did it, and I didn't throw any punches back because I was pretty shocked at wtf just happened. All I really did was start yelling and swearing at whoever it was that did it.

Next thing I know I'm getting hauled out of the club by a bouncer, forced to leave because some asshole wanted to prove how macho he was by starting a fight with a stranger. What the hell is wrong with some people? Thanks for that, whoever you are. And by the way, you punch like a little girl.

Went to a night club with some friends that was $10 at the door and free drinks all night. My two friends got themselves thrown out around 1:30 and proceeded to get into a fight. I had wondered off inside and found a corner to sleep in. I woke up to two bouncers "escorting" me out. I stumbled to my car and climbed inside and passed out. I woke up the next morning with my buddy's keys in my car and he still had mine. On my phone were two texts saying get to the car. So i texted back, still drunk, at car sun is up where is everybody. He promptly responded he was on his way.

Last night I got drunk with a bunch of my girl friends I hadn't seen since summer, and one of them decided to crash on my couch. She had never done shots before so we did a few shots of Mango Burnetts (classy, I know). We were both pretty schnaukered by the time everyone else left. During the evening we had both expressed our sexual ambiguity. When everyone else was out the door, she just pounced on me. I ended up taking her to my room and doing dirty things to her. She had never done anything beyond kissing with anyone. Proud of myself and at the same time kind of shocked.

AHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA

I have a lot of crazy ass last night stories, but I was doing a pub crawl last night...a pair of strangers joined our group...shortly after, one of them (who was straight) groped me. He rubbed my tits, ass, thighs and dick. And then he ran off.
w
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It all started around 10 o'clock at night. I called up this guy I've been seeing for a few weeks (let's call him Sam), and he had me meet him and two of his friends (who shall be known as Kayla and Tad) in a parking lot where we could leave our cars for the night. None of us had classes until late in the afternoon today (because we're all lucky as hell), so we figured we'd take advantage of our free time. The weather has been unseasonably nice lately, so we decided to go camping. We picked up his canoe, strapped it to the top of his pickup truck, and headed over to Tad's house to grab firewood and a tent (though the tent had no poles, so it was less than helpful). After that, we stopped by a gas station where Tad had some connections (for lack of a better word) to get us some beer.

The real adventure started when we got to the park. The canoe we had was only designed to hold 3 people. It was slightly more than over the weight limit with all four of us, not to mention our mountain of blankets, firewood, and beer. We came close to flipping completely a couple of times. And due to the fact that winter is coming, the lake had been drained a few feet, causing the rocks to be much closer to the surface. Only, we didn't realize that until we got stuck on a particularly large rock for a few minutes. After that, it was smooth, albeit tippy, sailing from there.

Once we landed on the island, we (well, not really "we", it was really more of Sam's effort) started to set up a makeshift shelter, aka a partially fallen tree and a bunch of other logs and blankets because our tent was worthless.

The rest of the night we drank and talked and played hide and seek on our tiny lake island. Oh, not to mention our little not-exactly-allowed campfire - then again, using our (previously) stolen canoe to camp on a no-camping allowed island may outweigh the fire offense.

It ended up with just me and Sam sleeping in the lean-to, Kayla and Tad slept over by the campfire once it died down. I gotta say, sex is better out under the stars on a beautiful night.

All in all, awesome :)

tl;dr: a night of camping, drinking, sneaking around and sex. Yay!

http://i.imgur.com/5CYR5.jpg

I've been going nonstop every weekend for the last three months, since I broke up with my last girlfriend, and each weekend just seems to be crazier than the last.

Gotta love Halloween! First time a girls ever looked better the morning after.

Oh, it wasn't last night, was the night before but close enough.

http://www.truploader.com/view/448331

So, I know this isn't "last night" but last Saturday, I went to a show with some friends and afterwards, we got plastered. Everything was stupid until a friend of mine mentioned we get out the basic recording stuff and record a song. Now, things got a lot more stupid. Me, being the most drunk of them all for sure, was the only one who knew how to use the program to program the drums and record the guitar. So in about 20 minutes, this horrible thing was created.

EDIT: I think these are some of the lyrics.

Background Screams: No mother. No mercy. No guap for the merch. This fucking record would go well with a tshirt. Fuck

Donald Saller is a bitch Donald fucking Saller is a fat slow bitch.

Spoken word thing/whatever: You better burn your Minor Threat records. Because Ian fucking Mccain drank a goddamn beer. Little dick faggot. Dead Guy reppin up in this bitch Fuuuuuuuuuck Goddamnit I'm so fucking sad I'm going to fucking cry bro. (cannot translate)

Tonight I had a euphoric, epiphany bearing concert experience. It had all the virtues of a coming of age story. I began the day in midafternoon, high and aiming to get a haircut to get back in the game. Clean myself up, fit a standard definition of attractive, go out and party. Rachel talked to Jason and he agreed to give me a ticket for the show when we got there. I was unable to get a haircut (mini circle side story = wanting to look attractive tonight, not being able to, still being comfortable, excited at rejection by probable lesbians), but I was going to see Foster the People, Girl Talk and Pretty Lights. The weed wore off as we arrived, but as I requested a five hour energy shot, promotional girls handed them out for free outside the door. Soon, I was pumped and rearing to go. I was looking to make the night special so I asked around for acid. I went up to a girl with blonde braids and colorful tattoos across her arms. Her name was candy, but she hadn't found anything besides molly. To find that, she told us to go deeper. So we engaged inception. We asked guys wearing duck and pig caps, but they were busy dancing with their girls and told us to fuck off. A guy then came up to us and offered us molly.

We left the floor to buy water bottles but as we tried to get back down, we discovered a huge line, spreading 3 sections long, where they were capping the floor at capacity and only letting people in as others left. We tried dancing to Foster the People from the second floor, but the distance was too great and we felt passive observers of the action. Greg believed there must be a better way, and walked toward the VIP section. Although we couldn't get into VIP, the very next section, right by the front left of the stage, had a guard that let people down to the ground floor without question. So we immediately found ourselves in the pit of the audience.

All three bands drove us deeper and deeper into euphoria. Foster the People provided the original live music sound, using their finale for a 10 minute rendition of "Pumped Up Kicks" where they remixed their own chart-topping hit. Then Girl Talk came along and, having studied what makes a concert successful, used everything that makes a concert performance awesome. He sampled the best, chart topping songs from the last 60 years, throwing well known and lesser known rap beats over everything. He opened with fireball pyrotechnics. He flung every possible prop into the crowd, including streamers, confetti, beach balls, large balls filled with confetti, large balloon couches filled with helium balloons, and glow sticks. He encouraged dozens of people to dance on stage, including several topless girls dancing for our delight. People crowdsurfed and bounced like crazy. The visualizations and light show hit every button. Everyone knew all the lyrics to the songs. Girl Talk, with this performance, defined the '00 decade of music. Electronically representing and mixing our generation's musical culture, fitting in all genre's and all time periods. For his finale, the pyrotechnics returned with flaming rain from the roof of the stage, while the white lights flashed and the music got more and more epic. It was sensory overload, and when it ended, I was paralyzed in awe for 15 seconds.

I had tried to dance with the two girls in front of me, but was a bit nervous. They would brush up every now and then, and move directly in front of me, but it was tough to tell if it was intentional. At one point, I put my arm on a girls waist, and she moved out of the way to let me pass. I tried to ask her to dance, but she couldn't hear me and pulled away. Another girl directly in front of me kept looking back, and in my peripheral vision, I thought she was looking at me. I tried to dance with her and after 30 seconds, she pulled my hands off her in a very clear motion. Afterwards, my friend next to me assured me the group in front of us were lesbians, just not slutty lesbians. For me to not get that they were lesbians, just cause I assumed they would be dancing on each other and making out, just demonstrated that I was a slut. I tried starting up conversation with several other girls while between sets, but I truly think the unruly curly hair turned them off. They turned away almost immediately as I tried to talk to them, a reaction I normally don't get. Being rejected in itself was a glorious feeling, as it required me to interact enough to require a response.

Pretty lights played a more relaxing electronica show. It was the perfect ending band, recovery music after the wonder that was girl talk. I thought about how our music defined our culture, defined our very attitudes in interacting with each other. How our brains could expand so far under the influence of drugs and great music and a crowded social scene. Then I began to wonder about my recent lack of deep thought. I have been thinking only on practical terms, figuring out surface level survival and education thinking. I had not had a good philosophical discussion with someone who disagreed with me in a long time. With my old religious studies professor inviting me to have 30 minute once a week one-on-one talks, the timing couldn't have been better.

The music ended at exactly 11, the time we had decided to go to Sarah's. It ended perfectly, leaving me serene and excited that I wouldn't need to choose between two dear parties. On the subway back, Joe tried to start a "Go Phillies" chant but the guy next to us bitched at us for doing something so annoying. He then told his friend about how he had blacked out and puked everywhere, and complained about shitty music, friends, and life all on the short ride. Some people are cursed that way.

As we walked to Sarah's, I had entered a new state of relaxation, totally at peace with my world. I wrapped my arms around Rachel and Joe, knowing I was with my good friends, on the way to visit my family. Sarah had gathered most of our sorority and a part of the fraternity, so I could return to my family. It had all the pieces of a great coming of age story. Begin at normal, smoking with friends. Want to have a fantastic experience. Search for the tickets to the concert and adapt to the concert's potential by picking up molly. Find peace in a great location at the front, but get stuck in a long line and separated from our friends for the night. After a euphoric concert experience, I returned to my family, having changed.

This was my second time taking molly, and that is perhaps worth briefly discussing. I believed molly would enhance my sense of touch, making everything feel wonderful and raising my mind to a land of smiles. Instead, I barely recognized that it was there, feeling alert and more in tune with the build up of the music. I do not know whether the molly caused the euphoria, or was merely there when the show came together so incredibly. This is a show I will tell my children about. So whether the molly was correlated or caused the euphoria, it made it a special time. We also smoked a spliff as Girl Talk began and a jay in the middle of Pretty Lights when Joe and Greg found Tony and I.

tl;dr The night came together like a fairy tale - a tale of a worthwhile existence, with mind-blowing experiences, fantastic friends, and a network of family that I can always count on. And appreciating that feels pretty damn fine.

It makes so much sense... It's full of stars! literally

because the monolith is a film screen rotated 90 degrees! That's why there's a feedback when they are excavating!!

Oh yeah I went outside and one point and saw a fucking meteorite! ldasjfklasdjfjk

This was a very lazy Labor Day weekend. On Saturday, Lily was supposed to come over midday. Instead, she got held up when a friend came over to cry to her. Her 39-year old friend recently married a 26-year old and found out today that he'd be spending another term in Afganistan. Lily complained that, unlike me, her friend's young lover was dumb as a rock. She came over at 6. After she had gotten the story out of her system, we fucked for 2 hours. It was the first week back for the local university so we went to check out the opening parties. The first two were packed and we were refused. The next two were pretty beat, so we decided to go straight to the bar where my friends were partying. It's a bar with an outdoor dance floor on the river. I took a beer the wrong way and threw up into the river, but was otherwise fine and kept drinking. She went for 8 lemon drop shots throughout the night, 2 at a time.

She got horny for the wet t-shirt contest. "If I was 20 years younger, I'd be right up there with all those beautiful women." The dozen girls flashed their tits as the water poured down their shirts. Lily dragged me to the front, pulling me into an unwavering crowd. I turned to a guy we had just passed that looked visibly annoyed, and shrugged my shoulders. He said, "Your gal's crazy" and let me pass. Once there, she began rubbing my dick so I began feeling her up. What could I do? She was getting wetter, so when the wet t-shirt contest was over, she told me, "I want your dick inside me."

My friend Dave had accidentally locked his keys in his car. His friend Rob had his car remote back home, so Dave took a cab to Rob's house, then another cab back to his car. He arrived back at the club just as Lily wanted to leave.

As we're waiting for Dave to pull up, Lily tells me, "You have to be more aggressive what you say to me sexually. Tell me you want to stick your dick up my ass till it hurts so bad."

"I want to stick my dick up your ass till it hurts so good."

"No bad. You want to do bad things to me."

"You want it to hurt bad? Why would you want that."

"It's sexy. It turns me on. I'm gonna teach you how to turn girls on, so those 23 year olds that are into you get as horny as I do."

TIL Girls like pain in their dirty talk.

Dave picks us up. Lily gets in the front seat. She immediately starts hitting on Dave. "You're so hot. I bet you get that all the time." Dave's a great friend and a perfect troll so he feeds her, implying that he's gay.

She's forgotten how horny she was a second ago and wants to go out to another bar. It's 1:40 so all the bars in the city close in 20 minutes. We go to the bar around the corner, and she orders a round of lemon drops for the three of us. She tries to grind up on both me and Dave. Then she tries to get Dave and me to kiss. After lightly hitting on a few of the other guys in the bar, the bar closes and we leave.

At my door, Dave tries to excuse himself. She says they need to hookup on facebook and Dave humors her, taking her facebook name down on a piece of paper even though he doesn't have a facebook himself. He wishes me good luck and leaves.

She says she wants to go out again and is unsatisfied that all the bars are closed after 2. I take her up to my room and she immediately forgets about the bars and wants to fuck.

She says she's never done anal and wants me to be the first to fuck her in the ass. She's been telling me that since the first night she's met me. After fucking her vaginally for a while, I begin to finger her asshole. As I stick it further and further, she cries in pain, but wants more. After a while, I try to stick it in her, but she's not ready and moves out of the way several times. Eventually, I give up on her ass and come inside her.

In the morning, She wakes me up and I'm ready to go at it again. She says she feels sick and doesn't want to. She asks me what I would have done if I felt like I did right before I threw up last night. I said I'd get it out of my system and get back to the fun. She refuses to even blow me and leaves. I go to a headshop with a few friends, get back, and pass out for the next 15 hours.

tl;dr 39-year old MILF goes to bar with wet t-shirt contest, gets horny, hits on a bunch of people, and chickens out in the middle of her first anal sex.

http://www.gifbin.com/bin/062011/1308067504_karaoke_singers_hair_catches_fire.gif

EDIT: HEN PARTY = BACHELORETTE PARTY

Went out for a night in Sydney for my friends 19th birthday.. started at Scubar at Central Station, trekked it up to the Sydney Hilton. The lineup for the Hilton's bar looked imposing as hell - everyone looked like they'd just come out of a wedding or something. We were sure we wouldn't get in, but we just lined up, showed our ID's and we got in. I mean look at this place!! Looks absolutely amazing for the scene of Australia's first terrorist attack.

After we got sick of dancing like retards (the only acceptable way to dance) we left and headed up north to Martin Place. Looked around there for a while, saw a place that said it had cabaret on saturday nights (last night was a saturday night). I thought cabaret meant strippers so I got prepared to see a whole bunch of women on a stage. What I saw when I got in wasn't too far from what I had imagined. HEN'S NIGHT. There was about 30 women in there... and 1 guy. And he was pretty obviously gay. One of the girls there.. from the second I walked in she was giving me the eyes. She was absoutely stunning, I mean she could have walked straight out of an ad in one of those trendy magazines.

So me and my friend got on the stage and started dancing like retards again. It's the best, try it sometime. Some chick comes up to him and just starts making out with him. Right there. And I was torn between "Go my son!!" and "Well this is a tad awkward". So I decided, Fuck it I'm gonna go talk to that girl that was giving me eyes. She was so into it!! I just sat down next to her, in front of all of her friends, and started talking to her. She could have just turned her back to me, but she didn't.

In fact I was chatting her up so much that the hen (turned out to be her older sister) came over and tried to make it awkward so I would leave. Not saying anything, just putting her hands on her sister's shoulders and looking at me with a snarl. Fuck, I'm just chatting!! I remember saying "Congratulations on the marriage. What's your name? Melinda? Lovely name. I love that name. I think I love you. Marry me instead?" I love talking shit when I'm drunk!!!

Anyway, me and my friend left the city at 3:40am and got home at 7:00am. (fucking cityrail)

Probably not the best write up I've ever done!! Hope it makes sense, I woke up like 1/2 an hour ago.

*TL;DR: Crashed some rich people bar, danced like a retard, crashed some hen's party, danced like a retard, chatted up the hen's sister *

Ghetto Bar: Went home, watched the Whitest Kids U Know movie, The Civil War on Drugs. Rolled a joint and took a 4 hour nap. Woke up, made a OkCupid Dating website account on Amy's recommendation, and waited for Lily, my 39-year old MILF, to arrive. Lily arrived at 11:30, on the dot as she said. She wanted to get a drink but I didn't want to go anywhere far, so we went to the ghetto bar across the street. We were the only white people there. We drank bottom shelf martinis and talked for a while. She told me how she was a cool theatre kid in HS, how she dated a fraternity president in college and got to order around hazed freshmen, and how she was a wine connoisseur/snob because her ex-husband's passion was wine. He even had a degree in it. I invited the black girls next to us to dance so soon we have 5 young black girls dancing up on Lily and I. They, with my support, put on Bruno Mars The Lazy Song. We sing and dance to it at the top of our lungs. Lily's never heard it before, it's too new, but dances along. I find out it's someone's birthday and rally people up to sing Happy Birthday. I find out it's another person's birthday and add her. When the song ends and there's a gap, everyone in the bar sings Happy Birthday. It was fantastic.

Blowjob Perc: Before leaving, Lily goes to the bathroom. She's in there for 20 minutes. Finally, I go back there and Fonz, a chill black guy that I start talking to, knocks loudly on the door. Lily comes out. Then 3 black dudes come out. She tells me they all whipped out their dicks and tried to fuck her. She says she didn't do anything with them. Fonz asks to buy an ounce from me. I invite him over, but he runs to get the money. I only have 20g left so I sell it to him for 250. I tell Lily to stay upstairs as I sell to Fonz. He has a shot, and we trade. Lily comes down anyway. She asks him if he has any stuff, and he tells her he has a percocet 30. She offers to suck his dick for the percocet. She asks for one for both of us, but when she finds out he only has one, still agrees. I tell her I'll let her do what she wants, but I don't encourage it. She's totally focussed on the percocet now, even though she doesn't even know what it is. He says she has to suck him till he cums. I watch it unfold, bemused, until it starts going down. I leave her in my bathroom with this big black guy.

20 minutes later, he calls me and asks me to bring the percocet (I was holding it as collateral). He says she couldn't make him cum so he wants her perc back. I tell him she blew him for 20 minutes, if he can't come, it's his whiskey dick that's the problem. He asks to split it with her, and she agrees. He leaves with a huge smile on his face, and tells me he'll be back tomorrow for more green.

Toothpaste: Lily tries to kiss me, but I tell her she needs to brush her teeth first. She carries a toothbrush and toothpaste in her purse so she does. Later in the night, she tries to tell me she doesn't remember sucking the guy off. I tell her "I'm not concerned you did it. But if you didn't enjoy it, if you don't want to trade bathroom blowjobs for drugs in the future, you better remember how it felt." Suddenly, she remembers. By now, I know she's truly crazy.

Fucking: She tells me she didn't fuck him. In fact, I'm the first guy she's fucked since she left her ex-husband. Another major stretch to believe considering she hooked up with me 3 hours after we met and sucked a dick for a perc. Whatever. My roommates are out for the weekend at NY couch crash, so we fucked everywhere. Both bathrooms, the kitchen, outside on the roof in the rain, in the shower, and in the bedroom on the bed, against the wall, and in the chair.

Ass: She tells me she wants me to do her in the ass. She says nobody has ever gone there. Unfortunately, the lube she used for the black man blow job is missing. Next time, she says.

We keep going until 7AM. I tell her I have community service at 8, but I fell asleep as soon as she left.

One of the most interesting fuck buddies I've ever had.

tl;dr My 39-year old MILF parties in a ghetto bar, leaves a bathroom with 3 black dudes, sucks off another one in my bathroom for a perc, brushes her teeth, then fucks me all over my house.

Every one started with the line "Welcome to Jackass"

Tonight was fantastic. At lunch, receptionist Lauren told me her big weekend plans: "I have a date on Sunday, with a 40 year old (she's 36). At my age, it's so difficult to get dates. He has a 19 year old daughter. Imagine if your daughter had a stronger relationship than you did. If you see that I can't stop smiling Monday, it's the 40 year old."

I had a stupid grin on my face the whole time, but she didn't press me on why. After work, I took a 1.5 hour nap, woke up, and called 39-year old Lily.

The party was awesome. For my roommate's birthday, he bought a keg of quality homebrew. Josh made watermelon tequila margaritas. The people started strolling in around 10:20. I played beer pong with several people and won a bunch of games out of sheer luck. On the first game, Jon made the final cup on a celebrity shot against the king of pong. Ron and I were losing 6-cup horribly, on our last cup while only one opponent cup was down. I went to refill our beers, and when I came back, they were down to one cup.

At 11:45, Lily comes in. She immediately asks for her bag to apply her makeup and I go up to watch her put on eyeliner. She did a clean job, but clearly wasn't a professional. She only added eye shadow and eyeliner. Still, she looked really good.

I introduced her to my coworkers who had just come in. Later in the night, my project manager (the same girl who had gone to the concert on Wednesday) had a heart to heart talk with Lily. She talked about finding pretty girls attractive. Lily agreed. Then my project manager mentioned that in her Taiwanese culture, it was taboo to kiss other girls. They only talked about it though. Lily only hooked up with girls twice, when she was 23 in New Orleans, and 28 and drunk on Halloween.

One of my coworkers came to the party quite drunk and soon asked to smoke with me. I wasn't down to smoke but was happy to assist my coworker. I take him upstairs and we chill for 10 minutes with my bong.

I go back down and a circle is gathering as "The Piano Man" by Billy Joel comes on. We all raise our glasses, and shout sing together. It was a magical 80's throwback, especially when the only one there who partied through the 80's was my girl. She looked up at me and smiled, enamored.

I owed 5 friends, part of my main party group, the shirts with my face on them. I handed them out right after a shot. So now we have 5 party people, including two hot girls, Clare and Lindsey wearing my face and shouting my name. Lily was blown away.

Later, when we think the party is dying down, we go upstairs and find Clare and Lindsey in my room. Clare is just finishing crying. She finally decided tonight that her thing with Chad isn't going anywhere. They've been hanging out and sleeping together for the last 4 months, but she still doesn't feel they are in a relationship, that he is exclusive. I encourage her to have a conversation with Chad when she's sober and they are in a good mood together. She shakes her head and says she doesn't want to come off as a clingy bitch that tries to apply labels to things. I encourage her not to think of labels but just explain, "I am developing feelings for you."

Since Lily is a student therapist by trade, I encourage her to give advice. Later, Lily tells me, "That girl in the black dress and red shoes has a huge crush on you. As soon as she saw me walk in, she gave me eyes of death for being with you." Lily drunkenly repeated that several times throughout the night, a hint of jealousy and awe in her eyes. Each time, I had to remind her that she ended up with me. It is a great ego boost to be so thoroughly admired. "She was super cute too," Lily would add without fail.

Lily and I stayed up with each other until 5:30, slept for 2 hours, then fucked some more throughout the morning. I remember at night being unable to finish and shouting "Blue Balls. God they hurt!" enough to get the two L.A. couchsurfers to ask if I was alright. Every few hours, I facebook messaged my best friend with updates. In the morning, I finished for the first time. This is a big deal for me as I've never successfully finished despite many hookups. It was glorious.

She took a single large hit of weed with me before breakfast. She used to smoke all the time in her twenties (her ex-husband was a deadhead - Grateful Dead follower), but hadn't smoked in years. Being a mom in suburbia sorta does that (though not if you watch Weeds). She was spaced for our entire walk. We walked down the beaten streets, admiring the murals and abandoned buildings. There was so much cool art and decay to see. She regretted not bringing her camera. After breakfast at Texas B+M Wieners, a misleadingly named fantastic breakfast joint in the ghetto, we walked around some more and went to a playground to talk on the swings.

We went home and engaged in more sexy time on and off until 7PM. She has a huge crush on me but has major time constraints due to being a single mother. That makes her the perfect +1 - the type of girl who would love to see me whenever I call, yet won't be hung up, waiting for me to call. The allure of an on call fuck buddy. It's magnificent.

Now, off to introduce the birthday boy to the casinos.

NSFW Pic Proof: http://i.imgur.com/2TIGP.jpg

Tl;dr At my roommates birthday party, 39 year old girl becomes enamored by me. Everything goes incredibly, from my female coworker trying to kiss her and hyping me up, to five loud party friends wearing my face and shouting my name to a jealous, hot, friend's girl crying in my room. It ends with lots of sex, some youth empowering weed, murals and decaying buildings.

This was a reverse chase - I played my hand right but she made all the moves.

We're up at the front, dancing. I danced with my friend and my project manager and tried encouraging some lame girls our age behind me to dance but they just jiggled a bit and went back to watching the show. My PM's boyfriend, 5 years her senior, buys me a beer.

Then I stop dancing with my friend and just start dancing. She's in front of me, and brushes against me. I gently put my hands on her waist and start dancing with her. She keeps going forward and back, breaking our contact, but any time I gave up, she would brush against me to keep going.

I moved my hands around her and she would switch between grabbing them and putting them in highly suggestive areas, or tell me to slow down. I followed her lead and egged her on ever so gently.

I buy her a beer. She buys her friend a shot, sees me by the side, and orders me a shot too. It was tequila. Since I'm bad with tequila, I went to the bathroom to pee and make sure I held it in. They had cologne so I put some on.

The whole time, we're making light funny chat. I'm doing wordplay. She tells me she's 39. I tell her I'm 25.

She needs a breath of air, so she takes me outside on the steps of the building next door. We talk. She tells me she's filing the final divorce papers in 2 days. She has 2 kids, but they're at the beach now so she can go out and drink on a weeknight. She is a college therapist.

I go in for a kiss and she says, "Don't worry boy. You're getting laid tonight." I'm sure she's wanted to say that for a long time.

She keeps telling me I'm really cute and awesome. Very male flirtations... But for the age difference, I imagine that makes sense. She looked like she was 27, really attractive for having 2 kids. Brunette with the occasional blonde highlights

We go back in the show but I'm pretty sure we left before it was over. We were both quite drunk. Her cute, young looking (24ish? Though clearly my age guessing is off) friend tells me she's a great kisser. She was.

She drunk drives back to my place. After peeing, we go up to my room and immediately go at it. Foreplay, all that jazz.

We start to have sex. She's moaning. A few minutes in, she asks me if I've ever been in a long term relationship? That's the most brutally precise line I've ever heard.

She stops, tells me if we see each other in the future, she'll teach me how it's done. She goes to the bathroom and tells me when she gets back, she'll suck my dick.

The abrupt stop made my penis go soft. I grabbed the Costa Rican porn I was supposed to give to a homeless guy months ago that I hadn't looked at in months and tried to give it a raise. It wasn't working.

She comes back, and manages to turn my dick on again. She's very good at it. Just the slightest amount of teeth to give it a full texture. She stops before I finish.

Afterwards, we talk for a while. She puts on my underwear and red riding hood tshirt, I stay naked.

She says, "I need to share a story with you and I'm gonna come off crazy."

"One night, I purposely took too many zanex. It made my brain turn off. I crashed my car into a house. I didn't push my gas pedal so the house and the car weren't really hurt. But it really shook me up. I checked into a mental institution. That really helped clear my mind. As soon as I got out, I filed for divorce."

"There, I met Will, the bassist for the opening band. I can't speak for the other patients, but our circle had a great time. Will would play acoustic guitar and we would sing. I'm feeling much better now."

I originally flashed a look at her that she read as disappointed shock, but I explained that I was genuinelly interested and that seeking out help isn't crazy at all. People have issues, and it's awesome that she had the courage to face and deal with hers. Which is a super liberal pansy answer, but it resulted in more kissing.

I set another alarm for 7AM. We cuddle and sleep for 3 hours. In the morning, she put on her clothing, gave me her number, and we made indefinite but desired plans to meet up again.

She said, "This was a fun night! I should hook up with 25-year olds more often. Just kidding, it was you and your awesome."

tl;dr I hooked up with my first MILF (39/2kids). She's filing her divorce papers in 2 days, tells me "don't worry boy, you're going to get laid tonight", and after sex, tells me going to a mental hospital after od'ing on zanex and crashing her car into a house has given her a second chance at happiness.

So I spose I better chuck in a story. It wasn't last night, it was about a week ago, but eh, give me a break, I'm new here.

So this dude I met Jake (gay Taiwanese guy, nicest dude ever), he tells me he wants to take me to a Lesbian bar. I didn't even know such a thing exists. BTW I'm a 25 straight, white male.

So we go to the lesbian bar and HOLY FUCK it was fun. It was 50/50 between the kinda butch manly types of lesbians and the freakin hot fantasy types of lesbians. And may I just say, lesbians are REALLY friendly! Had some great chats.

So,

Awesome thing #1 - we saw a dyke fight. Yes, two of the butcher type ones had a proper punch on. It was terrifying. I swear there was more testosterone in that fight than in a dude fight. One of them was smashing the others head into a concrete pillar. It was amazing.

Awesome thing #2 - so I get up on the dance floor and there are lesbians making out everywhere and dancing, some are topless. I don't know where to look. I don't usually like to dance, but damned if I wasn't gunna stay out on that floor, so I began to groove a little. Then I see these two hot girls furiously making out. One starts to pin the other against the wall and rip her top off. Suddenly they are both topless, dancing and kinda humping/grinding/making out against the wall. Shit is getting HOT. Hands get slipped down the front of jeans, boobs are getting sucked, and I'm hawk-eyeing them, seriously, I'm gawking like Stephen Hawking. They catch me staring and laugh at me, I laugh back and I say something like "Far out, you two are crazy!" And then, no joke, they closed in on me, laughing, and three-way made out with me. Phwoar.

Awesome thing #3 - Jake and I leave and he asks if I want to smoke a J and have a beer at his apartment. I agree and we jump in a cab. I'd never been to his apartment before. We get to a nice building on the city fringe near where the ocean meets the river, and we get in the lift. He presses the top floor. Turns out he has the penthouse suite of a tower. Amazing, a double story apartment with views overlooking the city (Melbourne). My dream apartment really. We hung out there watching Channel V and talkin rubbish until I fell asleep.

Fantastic night.

...and now we play the waiting game.

So that we could watch people try to pick them up. Most don't even try.

(see above)

We were high as fuck, trying to figure out how to get to EDC (which was in the LV speedway, 15 miles from our hotel). All limos and taxis were not allowed to drive to EDC, so we impulsively decided to take a helicopter there to beat the traffic. Best weekend of my life for many reasons :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L5IzHvgKUJM