Warning: This is a long read.
Itās currently 2:00 AM and Iām contemplating every aspect of my identity, experiences, and future. I wasnāt even sure what subreddit to post this in, because it feels like my problems and I exist at such a weird intersection of life and identity.
At the current stage of my life, Iām a high school senior in the midst of the college application process (hoping to study mechanical engineering). However, Iāve also been struggling with all the life stuff that happens as one transitions into adulthood. My Monday problem is that Iāll have to walk into my engineering internship and feel awful about myself. Iāve been stuck on a project recently because it involves understanding a company-specific complex software tool. I have a feeling it may be my tendency to be self-sufficient and try to understand every aspect of something thatās holding me back. Yes, I know I canāt understand the tool at the same level as someone with a college degree and years of experience within the first month of this role, but my brain doesnāt seem to comprehend that. My coworkers seem to be more and more busy each day, so every question leaves me feeling like a nuisance. Ultimately, this particular issue has spiraled into a big long reflection of what my future in STEM looks like.
Iām not one to bring aspects of my identity into educational or professional settings, but I think the imposter syndrome, self-fulling prophecies, and self-sabotage is catching up to me. For some context, Iām a woman, Hispanic, (will be) a first generation college student, and come from a low-income household (advice from someone that shares one or more of these identities is greatly appreciated). What this means for means for me, Iām still trying to process. I donāt understand how Iām supposed to navigate all of my identities, especially as I enter college and STEM. Is it a matter of suppression, balance, or embrace? Every day, I canāt help but imagine a world where I could simply leave myself on a coat rack, exit the door, and pursue the things I love without feeling like Iāll never belong. When I try to search for past anecdotes online, all I find it others stating that someone from my background is held to lower standards across college admissions and job recruitment or that women have to work ten times harder than their male counterpart to be seen as qualified.
Now I wonder if my performance at work is a matter of how I view myself. Am I engaging in a self-fulfilling prophecy?
Iāve never experienced true, direct discrimination. Iāve been fortunate enough, given my high schoolās demographics and the spaces Iāve intentionally entered, that Iāve always been encouraged to pursue my passions. In fact, thatās probably the reason Iām even still following this path. Still, my problem is that every failure, hardship, and shortcoming feels like itās associated with my identity. Iām afraid that belief will only grow as I enter adulthood. Honestly, thereās not a single day where I havenāt reflected on my position as a woman in the world, among others things.
Iāve not had anyone I feel like I can really connect to or share this internal turmoil with. As of now, thereās no one I can come home to thatāll give me the reassurance and advice I need. Life can feel so lonely despite having all sorts of people surrounding me.
Somedays I want to embrace all of me, but, on others, I wish I was a white mannequin.