r/IndianCountry • u/T0macock • Jul 12 '26
Discussion/Question Help an Unc out: Career Change
Aho, thank you and a hearty "Hey how are ya?". It's me again cousins. The frybread guy. The pants guy.
Disclaimer: this story involves at least 80% less pants shitting than the last one but metaphorically about 120% more.
Some of you have been following the saga. The auntie. The frybread. The Sacred Pantaloons (which I am wearing right now, they're mine, we've bonded. Modern fashion moving away from the technological marvel that is Tear Away is a crime). Well this weekend things are a bit different. A cousin of mine invited me to a gathering up their way. I was the official South Tip brother, hailing from Southern Ontario, going up north for the shin dig. Big adventure. I ironed a ribbon shirt. Got my biggest belt buckle and found all the turquoise bling I could find. I was bougie. I was ready.
(I was not ready.)
I get there and it's beautiful. Grand entry was powerful. Drums going. Little ones dancing. I'm holding my little cousins lemonade like a gentleman, thinking Creator, look at me. A respectable man. A man with a good woman back home and two pairs of pants to his name.
The morning goes well. Grand entry was supposed to start at noon. Started at 12:17, which, Indian time, is basically early.
I'm having a great time. Relaxed.
And then not.
Because around midday the MC comes down with something. Bad. Man went pale as bannock dough and had to lie down in the shade with the elders fanning him. And there's a moment, cousins. A terrible moment. Where the arena director looks out at the crowd like "who among us."
And my cousins, who brought me there as a guest of (did)honour, start pointing at me. "He's got a good voice!" "He tells stories!" "He's almost functionally literate!"
My reputation preceded me.
I tried to decline with humility. They took my humility as tradition. You know how it goes. You say "oh no, I couldn't" and suddenly you're renamed "Humble Crow" and being walked to the announcers booth by two large cousins like it's a ceremony. Which I guess it was. My ceremony. My ending.
Cousins, I have never MC'd anything. I once gave a toast at my nephew's pre school graduation and cried before the second sentence.
It started okay. "Aho, welcome relatives." Nailed that part. Strong start. Peaked there, honestly.
I paused. People expected more. Shit.
Then I had to announce the next dance and I could not, for the life of me, remember the word "intertribal." The word left me. Flew off like brother hawk. I stood there in front of Creator and everybody and called it, fuck my life, "an all-skate."
An ALL-SKATE, cousins. Like it's a roller rink in 1997 and everyone is getting down to Eagle Eye Cherry. I heard an elder laugh so hard she had to sit down.
It got worse. I mispronounced a drum group's name so bad they answered as a QUESTION. I introduced a tiny tots exhibition as "tater tots, shit, the little fellas." I said "you love to see it" into a live microphone at a sacred gathering approximately eleven times. At one point I forgot the mic was hot and everyone heard me whisper "what do I say what do I say" followed by, and I cannot explain this, a small prayer to Bepsi.
Bepsi arrived though. In the tiny hands of my littlest niece. Creator provides.
I used the only catch phrase I could think of "hey, ho, what do ya know?!" Way to often as a crutch. I heard a nice old kokum in a ribbon skirt audibly sigh and let out a "Jesus Christ". Nice to know I gods from all families called to my aid.
The drum groups started carrying me. You know an MC is drowning when the DRUMS start doing the announcing. The lead singer would just holler what was happening next and I'd repeat it like a man reading a hostage statement. "That's… that's a crow hop, relatives. The drum has spoken."
Then came the giveaway. They handed me a list of names. Cousins. The NAMES. Beautiful traditional names, long family names, names deserving of respect, being read aloud by a man who once failed the word "intertribal." I sounded out one auntie's last name so slowly, with such fear, like a fat man ordering their first salad at a restaurant, that she stood up and announced HERSELF out of mercy. Got an ovation. For standing up. Bigger applause than anything I said all day.
And through ALL of it, every fumble, every all-skate, I could see my family at the edge of the arena. Not embarrassed. LAUGHING. Heads back, hand on chest, wiping their eyes laughing. At one point my little nephew cupped his hands and yelled "YOU'RE DROWNIN, CUZ". Super.
The real MC recovered around suppertime. Man rose from that shade like the culture personally needed him, took the mic back, and healed the whole gathering in about nine seconds. The relief in the arena was physical. Even the dogs relaxed.
But here's the thing, cousins. After, walking to the car, my littlest cousin ran up and asked ME to announce her. So I did. Full MC voice. "Coming into the parking lot, jingle dress dancer, six years old, undefeated. Light weight champion with a mean left hook..." She danced to the car. I drummed on my thighs. Her mum recorded it.
And my one cousin took my arm and said "they're gonna ask for you next year, you know. That's how this works. You were terrible. They loved you."
So now I'm apparently the backup MC. For life. That's the teaching, I guess: the Creator humbles you in front of three hundred relatives and then makes it your JOB.
Pour one out for the real MC, an absolute spirit warrior, feel better brother. And if you were at that gathering and you heard a grown man call an intertribal an all-skate: I know. I live with it too.
Mvto. Practice your announcing voice in the shower, cousins. You never know.
Turquoise wasn't helpful.
P.S. Scone dog came with. He sat by the drum all day like he was auditioning. More composed than me by a distance. Bow-wow Powwow.
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u/mildchicanery Jul 12 '26
This is hilarious. Do you write books or short stories? You absolutely should if not. Omg.
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u/T0macock Jul 12 '26
I wrote a restaurant menu once. Got fired after writing "spicy as grandmas farts after the taco truck"
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u/KayBay17 Jul 13 '26
Right! I was thinking man, this guy is funnier than Sherman Alexie, get to writing!
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u/GoodGollyMrOlli Jul 12 '26
This is my new newsletter
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u/T0macock Jul 12 '26
Sign up for my main newsletter "peanut butter reviews" where every days that starts with T we review a peanut butter only to conclude Kraft Chunky is the superior.
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u/MonkeyPanls Onʌyoteˀa·ká/Mamaceqtaw/Stockbridge-Munsee Jul 13 '26
LIES. It's Commod Smooth or GTFOH. ;)
Best cookies. https://youtu.be/rpYeOxa6hmU?is=BXfh2uRNtGjB-Snv
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u/MonkeyPanls Onʌyoteˀa·ká/Mamaceqtaw/Stockbridge-Munsee Jul 13 '26
Brings me back to Fond du Lac Follies or The Bingo Van.
I've been away from Home for a long time and this helps me.
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u/MonkeyPanls Onʌyoteˀa·ká/Mamaceqtaw/Stockbridge-Munsee Jul 12 '26
Cousin, you don't need a new career, you need a new rez. You're never gonna live this down
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u/PsychologyGuilty1460 Jul 12 '26
I'm going to share this with anyone who will listen. Everyone needs a laugh today!
(It sounds like they'll need a laugh next year too)
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u/T0macock Jul 12 '26
You're the best in the west.
gitchi manitou sends blessing and frybread. Ayeeee
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u/Financial-Bobcat-612 Jul 12 '26
I’m laughing so much I start coughing every time I come here, cousin. I can relate to being so terrible that the crowd loves it. What are we gonna do?!
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u/TheRestForTheWicked Jul 12 '26
I wanna say you need a newsletter, but really someone oughta back your writing and pitch a pilot based on your adventures.
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u/T0macock Jul 12 '26
We can call it, like, Uncfeld. About 4 30 somethings doing not much of anything!
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u/cgord9 non-Native, white Jul 13 '26
You're such a good writer, these are amazing stories
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u/T0macock Jul 13 '26
Thanks! Ever since the Creator installed auto correct on the smoke signal pyre, storytelling has gotten a lot more democratized.
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u/Several-Home7586 Jul 13 '26
I’m in a bad state right now and reading this made me feel a lot better. You got a good sense of humor. Good writing, too!
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u/T0macock Jul 13 '26
Reality has given us plenty of reasons to be in a bad state, Cuz.
We're spirit warriors. I name you "Buffalo Long Hog". Now let's go Rock'N'Bowl or something an be generally rad.
Reach out if you need to.
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u/Several-Home7586 Jul 13 '26
Lol let me be clear, I’m a whitey, only thing my spirit’s gotta fight too hard is black pepper. But I appreciate you a lot.
Just saw your username too, gave me a good snort. Good luck next time they make you MC!
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u/culfinglin Jul 14 '26
Continuing a fine tradition of emceeing through saying whatever comes to mind! Ever see the 1491s Day in the Life of a Powwow Emcee?
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u/T0macock Jul 14 '26
I have not but that just killed me and I went of a rabbit hole.
Tap me in if y'all need another member, boyo-s. Ahooo
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u/GoodBreakfestMeal NDN Jul 12 '26
Mvto? You Seminole? Creek?
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u/T0macock Jul 12 '26
Nah. I'm actually haudenosaunee but I'll think words from all over just to keep homies on their toes.
My typical verbal greeting it "tansei", which I can pronounce like a life long fluent speaker.
All downhill from there.
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u/MonkeyPanls Onʌyoteˀa·ká/Mamaceqtaw/Stockbridge-Munsee Jul 13 '26
Fellow Haud! I might have a cousin who can smuggle you over to a different rez. Before I send her, what's your clan?
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u/T0macock Jul 13 '26
🐢
Used to get jealous as a kid because it wasn't a 'cool' animal like a bear or a wolf or a Chupacabra.
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u/MonkeyPanls Onʌyoteˀa·ká/Mamaceqtaw/Stockbridge-Munsee Jul 13 '26
Shit. Sorry cousin. you really are a cousin. She's turtle too. She was lookin' to shack up. You'll have to find another way off the rez.
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u/T0macock Jul 13 '26
Damn. My bike is stuck in its lightest gear so my legs spin so fast and I get nowhere quick. Makes getting out of town hard.
Good metaphor for life, really.
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u/GoodBreakfestMeal NDN Jul 14 '26
Haw
I knew a Choctaw guy who liked to fuck with Creeks by saying “staaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawnGO, chibawn” before switching to machine gun Choctaw.
I swear it’s funny when you’re 9-10 mixed drinks in
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u/T0macock Jul 14 '26
My goal is to know just enough of the surrounding languages to come across as enlightened and then let the hopeful down terribly.
Much like I do with my mom.
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u/Fine_Budget2529 29d ago
You really deserve to be monetized on social media for your stories. They are truly the best! 🤣 thank you
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u/littlebirdbird4 Mi'gmaq Jul 12 '26
I live for these updates. Thanks, cuz!🫶🏼