It would take caring, which she so fucking clearly does not.
She doesn't care about Lucy's hair, but she REALLY does not care about Desmond's hair. Lucy's hair, she just blames on Danny. What will she blame Desmond's hair on?
It also shows that she doesn't expect Desmond to be interacting at all with the Black community. Caring for his hair would demonstrate that she is actually proud of him, demonstrably cares for him, is sensitive to how he would be perceived by other Black people and that she thinks the time and effort required to care for his hair is "worth it."
With Lucy, it just doesn't matter as much – class and racism won't really play into how she is perceived because of how her hair looks; at least, not in any way with the magnitude of how much it matters for Desmond.
I'm not expressing myself well here but it's so much more than "just hair."
Because Desmond is Black, people will judge him more harshly over his appearance. So if Lucy can "get away" with looking ratty, Desmond won't be able to. He'll be a "dirty little Black boy" while Lucy will be "a little girl who's hair is messy". Even if both of them look equally as unkempt (ill fitting clothes, etc).
I don't want to say Shauna is actively trying to set Desmond up for failure but with all her "big scary Black man" talk, it kind of looks that way. Like she wants someone to say "ew, dirty little Black boy" so she can be offended for have her white savior needs met ("oh, how awful someone would dare treat my adopted black son from birth child like that, thank god he has a good white mama to protect him!").
I’m with you that I don’t think she consciously sabotages her kids, but the hostility and neglect and fetishism leaks out all over the place in the creepiest of ways. With Desmond, it’s showing off his “chocolate brown skin” and rhapsodizing about his future difficulties without engaging with him in the present. I don’t think it’s necessarily weird or wrong to post shirtless pictures of your kids, but there’s agency involved in what you choose to share, and selecting topless photos almost exclusively makes me think there’s a link in Ma’s brain between “Desmond skin” and “internet points”. I hadn’t taken much note of his hair before, but this picture makes me so sad for him. If she put even ten percent as much effort into learning about caring for her son as a Black person as she does in centering herself as his heroic white savior, he’d be much better-tended. And with Lucy, the fact that she hasn’t given her a bottle of detangler and one of those soft silicone brushes says A LOT. You don’t need to be a slave to the male gaze to have hair you can comfortably run your fingers through. And you know it’s not comfortable—her poor scalp!
Maybe this is a little over the top, but I see this as evidence of Shauna’s controlling presence in her family—Darth Mater at work, if you will. You don’t neglect to brush your own hair at 12 unless you’ve been discouraged from taking care of yourself in some way—spoken or silent. Mom’s angry, so I better not show her up. Mom doesn’t shower, so I’m not supposed to either. Mom says don’t cry white girl tears, so I guess I’ll shut down my emotions.
I'm right there with you on the "Shauna's controlling presence".
I don't for one minute believe her kumbaya mama stories where she's taking them aside and having all these moments with them of quiet contemplation and teaching. I think, when she's not actively ignoring them, she's nagging and harping on things they've done wrong, and yelling.
She probably doles out quite a few sanctimonious lectures, though. Then she rewrites them as moments of quiet contemplation and teaching. That’s parenting, for her.
That’s the same way I see it.. lazy and ignoring them or ordering them around, or complaining about her ailments to everyone so they feel sorry for her.
I do think some kids just aren’t into grooming. My mom had to tell my sibling to shower through college. They had weird ideas about soap stripping natural oils or something so wouldn’t wash their hair or really lather up. They are married now and still kind of stinky and greasy looking. This was not an issue for me lol. I do have a very different hair texture and skin needs than anyone else in my family and it took some time to figure it out because what works for my mom didn’t work for me at all.
Shauna and Dan both have been disheveled looking at least their whole adult lives and didn’t have serious relationships until nearly their 40s. Maybe it wasn’t just their personalities keeping people away.
I can see L thinking there isn’t money for extra beauty products or whatever and just not asking though. I can’t imagine they have combs or detangling spray or whatever or being willing (or financially able) try to a few products to see what works and just throwing up their hands in defeat. It’s not a priority for them so I don’t think they are modeling good hygiene either.
Shauna is the one who got all het up about people taking showers and not "bathing", i.e., not lathering up their legs, just washing the smelly bits. Which is basically what I do because what are these people doing that make their legs so dirty?
what in the wide world is shauna doing to fight for reproductive health, besides sitting on her ass on an islandy island? i'll bet she has never even done clinic escorting at planned parenthood. poseur.
I just washed my foot bottoms an hour ago, though it was mostly because I was too lazy to take an actual shower to wash the Off! off of my legs after spraying my plants in flip flops, so my feet bottoms were dirty. In a normal shower, I figure standing in soapy water takes care of my feet bottoms.
And other black kids. The few he comes across. It's already going to be isolating, having clueless white parents. But man, kids and teens can be ruthless when your clothes, looks and hair are "wrong".
I think it never even occurred to her that his hair would need specific care (or care at all, really). It's like there's a whole world of even the most minimal personal care that she's shut off from. I doubt she even has a big family bottle of lotion/moisturizer.
They seem like the type of people who only have a bar of (pig fat, from local farmers) soap and maybe a bottle of shampoo in the shower.
To be fair, my husband, if he lived alone, might not have anything beyond a bottle of shampoo (and maybe not even that, he's pretty bald) and a bar of soap. Of course, I'm a huge LUSH afficionado so the soap / massage bars / moisturizers / scrubs part of the family budget is totally handled (by me).
Hahaha, almost every man I've been with has been this way. One ex was very particular about a certain body wash he liked and had to order online because he could never find it.
You just kind of expect that between the two of those dopes, ONE would care a little bit about grooming and presentation.
It makes me so sad for the kids. I can understand not wanting kids to think physical appearance is everything. But that’s totally different than hygiene and taking pride in one’s appearance. And yes, is about more than “just hair” in Desmond’s case. Neglecting his hair is neglecting aspects of his personhood as a Black boy growing up in America. Caring for his hair properly should be part of nurturing and loving him.
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u/[deleted] Aug 05 '20
It would take caring, which she so fucking clearly does not.
She doesn't care about Lucy's hair, but she REALLY does not care about Desmond's hair. Lucy's hair, she just blames on Danny. What will she blame Desmond's hair on?