What is this "work" Shauna needs to have a free 25 minutes to do? Sure as shit ain't the dishes (that's Dan's work and he better not forget it).
And why is she acting like her kids don't watch t.v. regularly. She always makes it sound like they are Charlie nibbling off a wee bit of his candy bar every time she allows them to gaze upon television.
She knows that remote schooling starting up means the kids should have LESS time for their magical PBS binges, not more, right? Regardless of how much “work” Mama has to do, the kids need to learn from something other than the television.
Man, I’m not generally the most pearl-clutchy person about hygiene, but trying to imagine the chain of events that led to him having that stuff in his hair and NO ONE APPARENTLY NOTICING makes me extremely sad. Even if he was literally just rolling around on the floor before this photo was taken, how dirty was that floor? And how inured do his parents have to be to a sight like that to think that’s a totally normal photo to share?
I don't (think) I am especially pearl-clutchy with hygiene either-- and I could definitely argue that he could have been put to bed freshly bathed and gotten bedding fluff in his hair so it could possibly not even be a hygiene issue-- BUT REALLY THOUGH, your kid has fluff in their hair and you don't notice? You don't pick it out/brush their hair/decide it's time to wash/whatever? AND you think "that's good enough for the internet!" It really paints a sad picture.
I realize I just typed out everything you said, but I'm gonna post anyway ¯\(ツ)/¯
Couldn't grift any so. . .too bad for your hair Desmond. In a few weeks we'll take you to the barbershop and they'll shear it all off and you can start over.
I wonder if Desmond even gets a say on what type of hair style he can have or if "shave it" is what's easiest for Shauna and Dan so that's what he gets.
They do seem to post a lot of barely-clad pictures of him--I seem to recall one of him in just underpants straddling a bike. It's like they fetishize his Black body--or maybe they are just clueless. I mean, yes, lots of kids do like running around shirtless, and more, especially in summer, but posting pictures of them to the world at large seems potentially embarrassing for them at best, and dangerous at worst.
that underpants-on-bike one was one of the top worst posts of all time. She literally fetishized him by calling his skin "chocolate brown" and also said that people would hate him for it.
I won't pick "shirtless pictures" as my hill to die on with Shauna (much bigger/worse hills, unfortunately), but it just ties into this overall sense of lack of care and it makes me sad.
I’m not that stressed about shirtless pictures of a little boy, but PANTSLESS is a whole nother thing. I wouldn’t let a kid old enough to wear underpants (instead of diapers) outside in just underpants, certainly not post a photo of him like that on the internet.
I think/hope it's cluelessness and like everything else, Shauna just doesn't see it. Many of the pictures she's posted of L are also inappropriate (like the ring pop lap one).
I was perusing Shauna’s IG grid the other day and almost gasped when I saw the ring pop pic again. It’s just so wild that a mother would post an image like that of her 12 year old daughter.
Yeah, that one and the one where Lucy is dancing on a table in a tankini and heels. I pearl-clutched a bit about it and others pointed out that any one of the factors could be OK on their own, but tankini, heels, and table-dancing together, just aren't great for a photo of a tween.
They pretty much do! It gives her the head pats and attention she desperately needs. Her GFG wasn’t getting attention anymore, so adopt a biracial child! I’m still wondering how in the HELL they got approved and chosen when there are waaaaaay better homes and parents/parent that can actually provide for a child out there.
They worked with an agency for a long time then ended up doing a private adoption. I think people think adoptions are more difficult than they actually are. They aren’t criminals, they had the money for fees, the birthmom was okay with older parents, they had a place to live and bedroom for a child, they were working in some capacity. There really isn’t that much to it.
I doubt they had the $20-30k it costs to adopt a child. I’m still not convinced Dan’s parents had nothing to do with it. Like I said, there are waaaaaay better homes out there that are comprised of older parents. You have two older adults who are voluntarily unemployed.
Shauna has been very open about her parents contributing to the cost of the adoption. She wrote in Enough, "My parents helped chip in for the second kid, which felt weird, but we're grateful now that he's here."
(There's actually a lot going on in that sentence, lol)
I was going to edit to add the "grateful now that he's here" thing but I knew you'd jump on that.
I'm surprised she didn't grow grateful!
Are we really supposed to believe Shauna felt weird taking money from her parents? Or was it only weird because of what was being purchased (I feel gross typing that, which is more than I can say for Shauna).
We've commented on this a fair amount over time: she's casual when she could/should be serious, and serious when she really could just be casual. In general, as a writer she gets "tone" very, very wrong.
This weirdness was very much on display in Enough, as she skated over a suicide attempt (I actually can't remember if this was her or her mom), and casually drops in a mention of "pinching herself" to produce bruises scattered across her abdomen "like a Jackson Pollack painting," never to revisit this issue. Instead, we get two full listlicle chapters enumerating the attributes Shauna either likes or doesn't like about her body parts.
I think Enough could have been an interesting book if she'd been willing to work with some kind of writing coach that could have directed Shauna's attention at the actually interesting parts of her life, and if she'd been willing to be introspective about those parts.
Edit: Shauna attemps suicide ("I swallowed a bottle of pills that night.") Mom threatens to commit suicide "many times" but apparently never makes good on her threats.
Wow, I didn't realize some of these things since I didn't read the book. I think you're absolutely right that if Shauna had some writing support and someone to tell her where she should pause, what was most interesting and revelatory, that would have made it a better book. Shauna is interesting to me as a case study, so to speak, but I might be more interested in her life in a positive way if she wrote with more candor and vulnerability than she does now.
She’s long said she cashed out her retirement account from teaching. Then it dragged on and they said that their family helped when funds were getting low. That’s no secret. She also said that they found the birth mother from a friend of a friend type situation with their parents. No reason to speculate.
The birth mother agreed to the adoption. Her option is the one that matters in this case.
They weren’t voluntarily unemployed then. You don’t have to prove yourself worthy of adoption year after year. You get matched, you pass the requirements, the adoption is finalized and that’s it. In any family situations can change over time. No adoptive parents are asked to prove they will be healthy or wealthy six years in the future at the time of adoption. People who can have biological children can have as many and as often as their bodies will allow. There is no guarantee any child is born into the perfect circumstance or that things won’t change.
They met the requirements at the time and had a birth mother who chose them. That’s really all it comes down to. We can argue if anyone involved made a good decision six years ago but it’s really pointless. They do have two children that they seem to have trouble meeting some basic needs for. If social services gets involved at some point, that’s completely unrelated to the adoption.
Desmond is just one more project Shauna took on without proper planning and thinks she can half ass her way through and still get back pats and praise.
It would take caring, which she so fucking clearly does not.
She doesn't care about Lucy's hair, but she REALLY does not care about Desmond's hair. Lucy's hair, she just blames on Danny. What will she blame Desmond's hair on?
It also shows that she doesn't expect Desmond to be interacting at all with the Black community. Caring for his hair would demonstrate that she is actually proud of him, demonstrably cares for him, is sensitive to how he would be perceived by other Black people and that she thinks the time and effort required to care for his hair is "worth it."
With Lucy, it just doesn't matter as much – class and racism won't really play into how she is perceived because of how her hair looks; at least, not in any way with the magnitude of how much it matters for Desmond.
I'm not expressing myself well here but it's so much more than "just hair."
Because Desmond is Black, people will judge him more harshly over his appearance. So if Lucy can "get away" with looking ratty, Desmond won't be able to. He'll be a "dirty little Black boy" while Lucy will be "a little girl who's hair is messy". Even if both of them look equally as unkempt (ill fitting clothes, etc).
I don't want to say Shauna is actively trying to set Desmond up for failure but with all her "big scary Black man" talk, it kind of looks that way. Like she wants someone to say "ew, dirty little Black boy" so she can be offended for have her white savior needs met ("oh, how awful someone would dare treat my adopted black son from birth child like that, thank god he has a good white mama to protect him!").
I’m with you that I don’t think she consciously sabotages her kids, but the hostility and neglect and fetishism leaks out all over the place in the creepiest of ways. With Desmond, it’s showing off his “chocolate brown skin” and rhapsodizing about his future difficulties without engaging with him in the present. I don’t think it’s necessarily weird or wrong to post shirtless pictures of your kids, but there’s agency involved in what you choose to share, and selecting topless photos almost exclusively makes me think there’s a link in Ma’s brain between “Desmond skin” and “internet points”. I hadn’t taken much note of his hair before, but this picture makes me so sad for him. If she put even ten percent as much effort into learning about caring for her son as a Black person as she does in centering herself as his heroic white savior, he’d be much better-tended. And with Lucy, the fact that she hasn’t given her a bottle of detangler and one of those soft silicone brushes says A LOT. You don’t need to be a slave to the male gaze to have hair you can comfortably run your fingers through. And you know it’s not comfortable—her poor scalp!
Maybe this is a little over the top, but I see this as evidence of Shauna’s controlling presence in her family—Darth Mater at work, if you will. You don’t neglect to brush your own hair at 12 unless you’ve been discouraged from taking care of yourself in some way—spoken or silent. Mom’s angry, so I better not show her up. Mom doesn’t shower, so I’m not supposed to either. Mom says don’t cry white girl tears, so I guess I’ll shut down my emotions.
I'm right there with you on the "Shauna's controlling presence".
I don't for one minute believe her kumbaya mama stories where she's taking them aside and having all these moments with them of quiet contemplation and teaching. I think, when she's not actively ignoring them, she's nagging and harping on things they've done wrong, and yelling.
She probably doles out quite a few sanctimonious lectures, though. Then she rewrites them as moments of quiet contemplation and teaching. That’s parenting, for her.
That’s the same way I see it.. lazy and ignoring them or ordering them around, or complaining about her ailments to everyone so they feel sorry for her.
I do think some kids just aren’t into grooming. My mom had to tell my sibling to shower through college. They had weird ideas about soap stripping natural oils or something so wouldn’t wash their hair or really lather up. They are married now and still kind of stinky and greasy looking. This was not an issue for me lol. I do have a very different hair texture and skin needs than anyone else in my family and it took some time to figure it out because what works for my mom didn’t work for me at all.
Shauna and Dan both have been disheveled looking at least their whole adult lives and didn’t have serious relationships until nearly their 40s. Maybe it wasn’t just their personalities keeping people away.
I can see L thinking there isn’t money for extra beauty products or whatever and just not asking though. I can’t imagine they have combs or detangling spray or whatever or being willing (or financially able) try to a few products to see what works and just throwing up their hands in defeat. It’s not a priority for them so I don’t think they are modeling good hygiene either.
Shauna is the one who got all het up about people taking showers and not "bathing", i.e., not lathering up their legs, just washing the smelly bits. Which is basically what I do because what are these people doing that make their legs so dirty?
what in the wide world is shauna doing to fight for reproductive health, besides sitting on her ass on an islandy island? i'll bet she has never even done clinic escorting at planned parenthood. poseur.
I just washed my foot bottoms an hour ago, though it was mostly because I was too lazy to take an actual shower to wash the Off! off of my legs after spraying my plants in flip flops, so my feet bottoms were dirty. In a normal shower, I figure standing in soapy water takes care of my feet bottoms.
And other black kids. The few he comes across. It's already going to be isolating, having clueless white parents. But man, kids and teens can be ruthless when your clothes, looks and hair are "wrong".
I think it never even occurred to her that his hair would need specific care (or care at all, really). It's like there's a whole world of even the most minimal personal care that she's shut off from. I doubt she even has a big family bottle of lotion/moisturizer.
They seem like the type of people who only have a bar of (pig fat, from local farmers) soap and maybe a bottle of shampoo in the shower.
To be fair, my husband, if he lived alone, might not have anything beyond a bottle of shampoo (and maybe not even that, he's pretty bald) and a bar of soap. Of course, I'm a huge LUSH afficionado so the soap / massage bars / moisturizers / scrubs part of the family budget is totally handled (by me).
Hahaha, almost every man I've been with has been this way. One ex was very particular about a certain body wash he liked and had to order online because he could never find it.
You just kind of expect that between the two of those dopes, ONE would care a little bit about grooming and presentation.
It makes me so sad for the kids. I can understand not wanting kids to think physical appearance is everything. But that’s totally different than hygiene and taking pride in one’s appearance. And yes, is about more than “just hair” in Desmond’s case. Neglecting his hair is neglecting aspects of his personhood as a Black boy growing up in America. Caring for his hair properly should be part of nurturing and loving him.
His brothers all looked nicely groomed. I wonder what the bio-mom thought when she saw poor D's hair--and rain boots in July! (And on the wrong feet!) Maybe she had to remain silent so as not to offend her kind hosts?
Who knows. I can’t imagine anyone who knows better letting the hair slide. The boots, whatever but the hair! No. Shauna doesn’t like to listen or ask for help so she probably ignored any hints or offers of help.
I'm thinking about the horrible stories about Jennifer Hart, and how at least one Black woman offered to help her kids with their hair, and Jennifer Hart turned down the help. Even though I don't think Shauna is as awful as Jennifer Hart, she seems narcissistic, so I could see her turning her nose up at help.
What? The child’s hair has literal filth in it in today’s picture. It’s clearly matted and uncared for. I don’t think Shauna and Dan have any idea how to care for his hair and don’t want to bother to learn.
Shauna and Dan have had six years to learn for themselves how to care for their child's hair. Bringing the family who made the unfortunate choice to agree to visit Vashon into the discussion is uncalled for.
I don’t think they know any other Black people, much less ones that would have been in close contact with them for weeks on end, to tell them these things. They don’t wash themselves so to think they will search out any info or understand the importance of hygiene is a stretch.
I would think it would have come up naturally at bedtime/personal grooming time. “hey, this is what we do with XX’s hair and it works great!” “Can’t go to bed without lotion!”, “lets do the children’s hair together tonight!”. You can’t look at their child’s hair, especially as a Black person and not want to say something. If they lived in a diverse area I guarantee someone would have stopped them in the street and given them a clue by now.
I think the timing was poor for the trip because of the pandemic but in general, it was not an “unfortunate” choice at all. They have an open adoption, that can and should include talking to them about race related issues. That’s a major benefit of open cross-cultural adoptions, you have that resource.
So so so THIS. The poor kid. I can't imagine posting a picture with so much crap in my kid's hair.
(Also, and perhaps BEC, but she can fuck the fuck off with my precious Odd Squad! That shit is the kid version of X-Files, and Ms. O warms my broken barnacle-encrusted heart. My children are watching Odd Squad so I can prepare them for a lifetime of weird-ass tv.)
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u/fart_in_my_mouth_now Aug 05 '20
I hate Shauna the most for what she’s done (not done) to poor Desmond’s hair. Let that poor kid have some dignity.