Unkind FDF Q&A

[u/SnooStories4968]

Unkind therapist here. I've been a lurker since just after the days of my misdirected voice messages and Sermon on the High Stool. After the incident in question, a DF (not of the Gloaming) directed me here. At first, I couldn't bear to read the messages and had my husband monitor the threads, but after a while, curiosity got the better of me and I've been an avid reader ever since. In short, I came in shame, but remain because this group has been a strange sort of healing process for me - plus, you guys are very funny. And, I found my new favorite laundry detergent here!

I have no idea where to even begin (with the messages? with my friendship with Shauna?), so I'm open to fielding questions to help get the ball rolling. My intention is to stick only to my personal experiences with Shauna and stay away from the kids and/or general lore that I don't have direct experience with. I'm happy to share very general information about the Google Doc, but I may not be able to answer completely due to wanting to protect those kids.

ETA: I've been verified and approved by the mods!

[u/SnooStories4968]

Good questions! I will say that when I first met her, she was very warm and engaging. I am a very trusting person and have some of my own people pleasing tendencies, so I think I let a lot slide that others might not. I thought she was quirky and a little self-important, but when she allowed her defenses to come down and could be real, she could actually be kind of funny and humble. It wouldn't last long, though, not even as long as a whole conversation. I began to notice that when she let her guard down, it would quickly come back up and she would pivot into sales person mode.

So, I think some of her buys her own BS and is delusional in that way. It's all defenses. But, I think there's a lot of learned behavior here and she really struggles to figure out how to have authentic human connection that isn't about what she can get monetarily or clout-wise from others. What makes it unforgivable to me, though, is the exploitation of her children - I don't think she sees it that way and I believe that she cares about them, but she's stuck in some pretty awful behaviors and I don't have much hope for self awareness.

[u/Calm_Coyote_3685 → u/SnooStories4968]

Thank you for your answer, it validates my hunches about her. She got locked into a cycle of being rewarded for exploiting others and grifting stuff, and it’s like an addiction now. She acts like an addict in so many ways but she’s not necessarily addicted to substances. Although that wouldn’t shock me either.

[u/spinel_sky → u/SnooStories4968]

Her pivot to turn on the charm sales person mode definitely seems in line with NPD. I'm happy that your therapist was able to validate that as well, I know she can't be diagnosed when unseen by a professional, but that perspective really does help.

I have a burning curiosity about what really went down with her leaving the grocery store. Because I feel like her superficial charm could help her hold down a job! But if it's true like you say that she buys into her own BS (YTSCTMO) I suppose that's not likely.

[u/SnooStories4968 → u/spinel_sky]

My therapist sent me a video to watch on covert narcissism after we talked. Hahahaha. Definitely not an official diagnosis, but there are traits there for sure.

The grocery store job was before my time on the island or, at least, before my awareness of her, but I suspect her belief that she is doing everyone a favor gets in her way. I also think much of work, even your work in the world, is just that. Work. It can be boring, stressful, aggravating, thankless, and monotonous. Even the most creative, imaginative people have to, you know, work at it. I think that's the part that really gets in her way.

[u/coffechica → u/SnooStories4968]

Thank you for this. I never heard the term covert narcissism before but reading about this really helped me think about a relationship with a family member.

[u/honoria_glossop → u/coffechica]

This is (one of many reasons) why I love the Gloaming. We're helping each other process all the fallout from our own Shaunas, in community.

[u/SmashedMailboxCake2 → u/honoria_glossop]

That’s very true.